I'm in an unhappy marriage and don't know which way to turn

[jemmie]

I've been married for nearly 11 years. My husband had a few health problems when we met but they have got worse over the years with him enduring hours of surgery last year that he was lucky to get through. This hasn't helped his mental state. He gets short tempered and depressed very easily. We do very little together as he constantly feels ill and tired. I do my best to support him but its very hard at times. I try to switch off from it all with hobbies and I work full time. Lately things have got much worse between us and I just don't know which way to turn to make things better. I have tried talking to him, encouraging us to do things together and getting him out and about. My efforts have failed and I come home from work to a depressed and grumpy husband who is shutting himself away in our office more and more and spending more time on the computer.

 

We have a mutual interest of dog breeding and dog showing and run a hobby kennel. I have been finding that harder and harder to enjoy and we have just rehomed two dogs to make things easier. We still have some dogs which are my passion but lately I'm losing interest in them. I have tried to involve my husband in the day to day running of the kennel and the future planning of shows. He's leaving it to me to make decisions and when I do, he's not happy. I have been enjoying showing and obedience training but he just complains when I want to go to a show and he stopped me from going to obedience training because the trainer deleted him off facebook and wouldn't accept another friend request. I was doing really well at training, something I felt I was good and it got me out amongst people at but I gave in to his demands to me stopping to avoid rows.

 

I just feel controlled and my self esteem and confidence has taken a nose dive as result. He knows he is not being fair and not meeting me half way but does nothing to make amends. When I go shopping he complains at the amount of money I have spent. I'm not a big spender, I buy clothes in the sales etc and other than the dogs I don't go out to socialise and only drink occasionally in the house.

 

I want to make a better life for myself and still enjoy my hobby even if this is with a couple of dogs instead of the six we own between us but I don't know which way to turn. I have suggested counselling in the past but he refuses to go. I have had counselling and it helped me to a point.

 

I just don't want to get to the point where I resent him. His health issues are not his fault. Please help.

[bathtub-row]

If it were me, I would not be able to leave someone who was chronically ill unless they were truly abusive, or if there were other extenuating circumstances that I can't think of at this time. Constant illness can play on a person's mental well-being, as well as physical. I'm sure your husband is just plain pissed off that he never feels good and I think all of that is understandable.

 

However..., this does not mean he gets the chance to run your life and you need to make that clear to him. If he expects you to get into the middle of his perceived battles with others - as in the facebook incident - then that's the time where you need to say to him, "That's between you and so-and-so. It has nothing to do with me."

 

One thing a lot of people don't understand is the stress that a person goes through when they have a spouse who's chronically ill. My dad went through this with my mother. He was continually stressed out by my mother's illness and it eventually affected his health, too. You need to take care of yourself and make sure you have outlets that make you happy. Being around someone who's sick all the time can be a downer for the healthy person, and you need to do something to keep yourself balanced out.

 

Your husband needs to understand that while you sympathize with his physical condition, it doesn't mean that your life should come to a screeching halt. If he can spend a ton of time on the computer ignoring you, then you can go out and do the things you want to do. You shouldn't be sentenced to prison because of his attitude and illness.

 

I would, however, stop trying to get him to do things. My guess is that this is putting pressure on him and making him feel less than the husband you want him to be, when he probably doesn't feel well enough to get out and deal with the complications of the world around him. I'm not saying that what he's doing is healthy, I'm just saying that he simply may not be up to it. None of us handle illness very well but men in particular take it pretty hard. I think he needs you to be happy with whatever he chooses to do, and he needs to know that while you will be there for him, it doesn't mean that you're going to put your life on hold for him.

 

Don't let things turn into a fight. Just let him know where you stand and then end the conversation if it escalates. Leave the house, if necessary. But don't give in to guilt. This is a very bad position for you to allow yourself to be put in.

 

You have my sincerest sympathies. This is not an easy situation to deal with.

[loveboid]

Resentment. That feeling is up to you. Your actions define how you feel. Don't want to feel resentment? Don't do things that cause you to feel injured by his behavior. Keep your hobbies. Do whatever brings you joy.

 

He is probably feeling stressed out with your complaints. I would stop complaining and trying to change him. If he does something you like, compliment him--maybe he'll do it more. That's it.

 

Likely you are both stressed out. Medical problems do that. From my own experience with medical problems, it can be a time of great suffering that bears fruit of great gratitude. This could turn out to be a life affirming journey for the both of you if it hasn't already.

[Arieswoman]

jemmie,

I am sorry you are in his situation.

 

I would say that your husband is depressed following his surgery and that is what is causing his unkind behaviour. I suspect he also feels scared, useless and a burden to you, but doesn't want to admit that.

 

Is your husband mobile or is he confined to bed most of the time?

 

Can you say what your husband's medical problems are? I ask this because there are support groups for carers looking after relatives with specific health issues.

 

If you say a little more, it might be helpful x

[Miss Clavel]

I've been married for nearly 11 years. My husband had a few health problems when we met but they have got worse over the years with him enduring hours of surgery last year that he was lucky to get through. This hasn't helped his mental state. He gets short tempered and depressed very easily. We do very little together as he constantly feels ill and tired. I do my best to support him but its very hard at times. I try to switch off from it all with hobbies and I work full time. Lately things have got much worse between us and I just don't know which way to turn to make things better. I have tried talking to him, encouraging us to do things together and getting him out and about. My efforts have failed and I come home from work to a depressed and grumpy husband who is shutting himself away in our office more and more and spending more time on the computer.

 

We have a mutual interest of dog breeding and dog showing and run a hobby kennel. I have been finding that harder and harder to enjoy and we have just rehomed two dogs to make things easier. We still have some dogs which are my passion but lately I'm losing interest in them. I have tried to involve my husband in the day to day running of the kennel and the future planning of shows. He's leaving it to me to make decisions and when I do, he's not happy. I have been enjoying showing and obedience training but he just complains when I want to go to a show and he stopped me from going to obedience training because the trainer deleted him off facebook and wouldn't accept another friend request. I was doing really well at training, something I felt I was good and it got me out amongst people at but I gave in to his demands to me stopping to avoid rows.

 

I just feel controlled and my self esteem and confidence has taken a nose dive as result. He knows he is not being fair and not meeting me half way but does nothing to make amends. When I go shopping he complains at the amount of money I have spent. I'm not a big spender, I buy clothes in the sales etc and other than the dogs I don't go out to socialise and only drink occasionally in the house.

 

I want to make a better life for myself and still enjoy my hobby even if this is with a couple of dogs instead of the six we own between us but I don't know which way to turn. I have suggested counselling in the past but he refuses to go. I have had counselling and it helped me to a point.

 

I just don't want to get to the point where I resent him. His health issues are not his fault. Please help.

 

sounds like depression.

 

keep trying to get thru to him. ask his family for help getting thru to him.

 

ask him what he wants. bring up activities, things you can do together. try to get him moving.

 

 

if he hasn't got any interest in seeking/taking any treatment, then ask yourself:

 

"did i do everything i could to save my husband, my marriage?"

 

 

 

 

and if the answer is yes, start an exit strategy, including protecting your credit score, insurance, debts, tax records and deeds. make sure he isn't spending/borrowing money to "cheer" himself up.

 

and watch yourself for signs of depression, because you sound like you love your husband and because you sound so sad.

[dclan]

I've been married for nearly 11 years. My husband had a few health problems when we met but they have got worse over the years with him enduring hours of surgery last year that he was lucky to get through. This hasn't helped his mental state. He gets short tempered and depressed very easily. We do very little together as he constantly feels ill and tired. I do my best to support him but its very hard at times. I try to switch off from it all with hobbies and I work full time. Lately things have got much worse between us and I just don't know which way to turn to make things better. I have tried talking to him, encouraging us to do things together and getting him out and about. My efforts have failed and I come home from work to a depressed and grumpy husband who is shutting himself away in our office more and more and spending more time on the computer.

 

We have a mutual interest of dog breeding and dog showing and run a hobby kennel. I have been finding that harder and harder to enjoy and we have just rehomed two dogs to make things easier. We still have some dogs which are my passion but lately I'm losing interest in them. I have tried to involve my husband in the day to day running of the kennel and the future planning of shows. He's leaving it to me to make decisions and when I do, he's not happy. I have been enjoying showing and obedience training but he just complains when I want to go to a show and he stopped me from going to obedience training because the trainer deleted him off facebook and wouldn't accept another friend request. I was doing really well at training, something I felt I was good and it got me out amongst people at but I gave in to his demands to me stopping to avoid rows.

 

I just feel controlled and my self esteem and confidence has taken a nose dive as result. He knows he is not being fair and not meeting me half way but does nothing to make amends. When I go shopping he complains at the amount of money I have spent. I'm not a big spender, I buy clothes in the sales etc and other than the dogs I don't go out to socialise and only drink occasionally in the house.

 

I want to make a better life for myself and still enjoy my hobby even if this is with a couple of dogs instead of the six we own between us but I don't know which way to turn. I have suggested counselling in the past but he refuses to go. I have had counselling and it helped me to a point.

 

I just don't want to get to the point where I resent him. His health issues are not his fault. Please help.

 

He doesn't want counceling, because going to counceling would mean he has to accept all his faults in the relationship.

 

I suppose that with all his problems, he just doesn't want to add "guilt" to the list.

 

You need to make him clear you want to go to couples therapy. If he does not accepts what he is doing wrong, your marriage will take a turn for the worse.

[xxoo]

With his medical issues, surely he's under a doctor's care. Can you accompany him to an appt and speak to the dr about his depression? Does his doctor know how depressed he is?