How to teach people how to treat you?

[Eighty_nine]

I've always heard we "teach people how to treat us."

 

My question is how do we teach them to treat is well?

Someone Ive just started dating did something, albeit small, that I'm not very happy about. I don't want to start an argument... I simply don't want them to do this in the future.

So how do we teach people how to treat us? does this just mean direct communication?

[mrs rubble]

Yes.

Verbalising what makes you unhappy isn't starting an arguement. Just communicate. Tell him what annoyed you.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

Like I would tell my little preschoolers "use your words" so and so did something to you, did you like it? Oh you didn't? Well tell them that you don't like when they do ______ and please stop.

[OwMyEyeball]

Yes.

Verbalising what makes you unhappy isn't starting an arguement. Just communicate. Tell him what annoyed you.

That's pretty much it.

 

Verbally disapprove of the behaviour, not the person.

 

Beware, because you will come across people who don't want to learn what you're teaching. Such is life and relationships. Anyone isn't for everyone.

[writergal]

Agreed. Not everyone will be open to feedback, but that doesn't mean you should stifle your feelings to accommodate the other person all the time. Just be honest with your feelings and if he can't handle it that's about him, not about you. Tell him what behavior he did annoyed you.

 

You can judge the quality of your relationship with him based on how he reacts. If he respects your feedback and tries to change the behavior, you have a relationship with a decent man.

 

But if he acts defensive and tries to blame and shame you, and make you feel guilty for your feelings then you need to reconsider whether or not you want to invest your time in a man who is going to ignore your feelings and invalidate them.

[Assasda]

If its something Big verbalizing might not be enough.

What did this person do to you?... if you can divulge.

[smackie9]

You are being too vague. I need an example of what you want corrected. Some behavior can't be changed, because it's just their personality. Personalities do clash, so that means you are not compatible.

[Arieswoman]

lissvarna,

When you start dating you need to be clear in your own mind what your boundaries and standards are and stick to them. You also need to be on the look-out for "red flags".

 

Also, don't be afraid to walk out of any situation you aren't happy with, no matter where you are.

 

What is it that you are worried about?

[dragonfire13]

I dunno, whenever I try to communicate my issues with a guy they tend to be total defensive pricks about it, which leads to the "talk" escalating into an argument.

 

Maybe it's my approach, or their immaturity so I now have a different way of handling it: I'll be very clear and concise about what my issues are, in a short and straight-to-the-point manner, and I then leave them to it so they can mull it over.

 

If/when they come back, a boundary has been put in place, reinforced by a period of no contact so they know that I am not afraid to walk away if they fall short of my expectations.

 

That might not be the best approach, but it seems to be the only thing that works for me with minimal drama and my self respect intact.

[CaliGypsy]

If it's something that's very important to you. Verbally express yourself . Depending on the response and the outcome ? You prepare yourself for the possibility of ending things. Allowing whatever the behavior is to continue is accepting the behavior.

 

For me ? It's gotten easier to verbalize as I have gotten older and am more mature and am dealing with more mature men.

[Eighty_nine]

In this case, I'm kind of just talking about what I consider game-playing. This is a girl (I'm bisexual, normally date guys though, so this is still new for me). I was in a year relationship with someone who I allowed to treat me very badly and I look back and wonder how I could have "taught" him this was not OK. So I'm trying not to make that mistake again...

This girl shows a lot of interest, backs off of a bit, shows a lot of interest, backs off, etc.

 

The latest thing was she asked me if I wanted to "try the dating thing" (instead of just making out casually). I said yes. Then she texted me all weekend, very chatty, asked me if I wanted to join her and a friend at a football game next month etc. But then I asked when we were doing something, and she basically said she has no time until Saturday when we are all (us and mutual friends) going to a party. Basically... I don't want to be texting constantly if she can't make time for lunch or a drink with me. It feels like "games", although I'm sure she is busy.

[smackie9]

It's not how you could have taught them, but how you teach yourself to have self worth. By allowing him to treat you bad, you enabled his bad behavior to continue. When people know you won't tollerate being mistreated they will stop or you need to drop them. You can't change people who generally don't respect people in the first place.

 

Anyways, like a lot of guys, what you ask about this girl is exactly what they ask lol. She is undecided if she still backs off. You want to increase your desirability? you pull back, and when she pulls back, just act like it's not a big deal to you. The less available yo are the more desirable, so don't let her have any control. So be cool distant, aloof. Give her a little attention when she reaches out, then pull back again. Push and pull method works everytime.

[mercuryshadow]

This is the perfect time to practice being assertive. I'm working on this, myself, and have done some reading/research. I learned that assertion should not come from a place of anger, and should not be offensive. Your pure intention should be to share with the other person that what they did/said was not respectful of you in some way (in terms of how it made you feel). Whatever defenses the other party puts up at that point is their issue, not yours, as you have every right to assert yourself.

 

I used to freeze up in these situations out of fear of hurting the other person's feelings but after learning what I've learned, it is getting easier. It is simply a matter of checking your intention and being mindful in your delivery.

[Frank2thepoint]

But then I asked when we were doing something, and she basically said she has no time until Saturday when we are all (us and mutual friends) going to a party. Basically... I don't want to be texting constantly if she can't make time for lunch or a drink with me. It feels like "games", although I'm sure she is busy.

 

Sounds like she'll "date" you by going to a party with lots of people around, but not intimately as in meeting up, even for just an hour, for a one-on-one date. Personally, be very wary of someone that liberally uses the phrase "I'm busy". It's a convenient way of saying "not really committed or interested".

[Mister Zen]

I've always heard we "teach people how to treat us."

 

My question is how do we teach them to treat is well?

Someone Ive just started dating did something, albeit small, that I'm not very happy about. I don't want to start an argument... I simply don't want them to do this in the future.

So how do we teach people how to treat us? does this just mean direct communication?

 

People generally only seek those who have something to give them. So if people need you or want something from you, they will treat you well. Otherwise, they will treat you however they want, especially if they have no fear of retribution.

 

Even the so call "humanitarians" gain something from all their "giving to the less fortunate". For them its an ego boost. They feel good about themselves and it gives them a feeling of purpose. For the naive ones.. it even makes them feel important.

 

Cynical I know... but true. Always remember this in your dealings with people. It will give clarity to their behavior and the reason behind it.

[todreaminblue]

just had a screaming match with my son because i dont like it when he yells at me....he is mentally impaired and i resorted to mental impairment by yelling back it did no good...confused him and gave me heart pain......now i feel liek a really bad mother.......talking in a calm and rational manner......should always be the way..an area i need to work on with my son....that ....or tie him to the ceiling fan with a gag in his mouth and hit fast spin ...sigh..i am kidding or trying to lighten myself up...calm and rational manner on repeat..he is now sweeping the floor for me without me having to ask him..and he is talking to himself because i told him not to talk to me when i am angry, he is saying "after sweeping ill do the kitchen"........trying to say sorry the only way he knows how.....:0(.i find out a lot of what my son is thinking through him talking to himself after we have an argument...no one is a mind reader and most people dont voice exactly how they think like my son does......so say how you feel always as calm as low tide.........deb

[MissBee]

I've always heard we "teach people how to treat us."

 

My question is how do we teach them to treat is well?

Someone Ive just started dating did something, albeit small, that I'm not very happy about. I don't want to start an argument... I simply don't want them to do this in the future.

So how do we teach people how to treat us? does this just mean direct communication?

 

It can be direct communication as well as through your response, where if your response is unfavorable or doesn't get them what they want they get the clue.

 

Example: I had a guy who would try to text me late at night to "hang out", I ignored him when he did that; however, responded to day time messages. Until he stopped sending these late night messages as he realized I didn't respond to them. I also told him the second time he did it that I can't hang out or go on dates when you message me at 11pm. He still tried to push my boundaries and I just didn't respond so he had to stop.

 

I eventually didn't bother to date him though as you can't make someone respect you or treat you well. It's not so much this magic to get people to treat you well or training them like dogs to treat you well, but about boundaries and choosing people who do treat you well. That's really it. If you stick around with bad treatment you've taught the person it's alright and they will thus continue to do it. If you put your foot down they will stop doing it OR they will leave. The latter is important: many women esp are afraid to have boundaries because sometimes that means people will leave. But having self worth means you only allow people who treat you well to be in your life and therefore you have to be okay with boundaries and demanding good treatment and letting someone go should they decide they can't/won't do it.

Edited October 29, 2014 by MissBee

[missjessi2422]

i feel that, you can teach some , and others you can't. You can try to verbalize , as others have stated, and see if that does anything. If it does, that's awesome, you have a really great person there that doesn't need more action to show that you mean business.

 

Some actions might have to be that you spend less time with them, talk to them less, show less feelings, emotions to them.. be more simple in talking with them.. disappear slowly from their life..

perhaps some would also suggest to give to them back what give to you.. this could work, but also could just be a big game of you hurt me, i hurt you...

 

It sure can be a lot of work to teach some people, and in the cases of those people, perhaps it would be better to just leave them be. There really are too many people out there that aren't so Impossible to deal with, and take less effort to have them treat you right.

I wish you luck

[Eighty_nine]

Sounds like she'll "date" you by going to a party with lots of people around, but not intimately as in meeting up, even for just an hour, for a one-on-one date. Personally, be very wary of someone that liberally uses the phrase "I'm busy". It's a convenient way of saying "not really committed or interested".

 

We hang out alone already. But it's more of a, 'let's hang out then make out' thing. She, on her own, said she wanted us to "have an official date." I thought this was a pretty clear signal of interest, but now, she can't make any time to see me one-on-one before this party.

 

I'm not going to contact her before then and I'm going to act more like a friend at the party. I feel like she doubted my interest in her a little (because I was playing it cool, not contacting her after our last really good hangout), asked me to officially date to test my interest, and then my high level of responsiveness caused her interest to diminish a bit. Ugh. So I'll just need to act casual and like the mixed messages aren't bothering me, even though they are.

 

It looks like the push-pull thing is the way to go. When I like someone and they reach out to me like that it's really hard for me to contain my interest & behave casually. I feel like because she's also a girl, she can pick up on it easier than guys do.

Edited October 29, 2014 by lissvarna

[Eighty_nine]

If you put your foot down they will stop doing it OR they will leave. The latter is important: many women esp are afraid to have boundaries because sometimes that means people will leave. But having self worth means you only allow people who treat you well to be in your life and therefore you have to be okay with boundaries and demanding good treatment and letting someone go should they decide they can't/won't do it.

 

Yes. I am absolutely guilty of this- not setting boundaries, even when I know I should and want to, because I fear the loss of a person. This was a constant issue in the relationship I just got out of. I ended it, it was physically painful to lose him, but now 2 months later I see how much happier my life is without him in it. I have to realize... sometimes losing people is not so bad.

[preraph]

I think the main way is by stopping contact once someone has crossed a line or raised a red flag. So in the broadest sense, don't even take up with someone who isn't treating you right to begin with because who needs that.

 

But on smaller issues, it's real important to not ever be so desperate that you accept any crap behavior from a friend or a date or even a parent or sibling once you're grown. If they ask you to do something and then show up an hour late, don't be there when they get there or don't answer the door. If you're involved with a man and he says nasty things to you, do not sit still for it and definitely don't sleep with him. If you think you might like some guy but the first time he contacts you is a pickup at a bar or a booty call wanting to see you that same evening, do not go. Wait and see if he has any further interest in you and not just in getting himself laid. Do not cook dinner for someone who complains about your cooking. Do not have sex with someone who tells you you're no good in bed. Do not offer a ride to someone who then tells you nastily how to drive the whole time there. Don't live with someone until you know they'll do half the chores and pay half the bills. If someone teases you but it secretly hurts your feelings, don't pretend to go along and think it's funny. Don't ever let a bf or gf get started checking up on you constantly, expecting you to tell them what you're doing all day every day. It's not healthy. It's unproductive at best and abusive at worst.

 

Set the tone for what you will accept and don't let someone start thinking it's okay to be disrespectful to you or to control you. Accept nothing less and you'll attract someone who treats you better.