GF of nearly 4 years just ended it Thursday

[chisox]

I'll try to be brief on this, but I think our relationship requires a bit of explaining since we've been together nearly 4 years.

 

We met when we were 20. I was going to school in the midwest and she was in the south, where I had lived for sometime, though I'm originally from the Chicago area. As soon as we got together, we knew it was love. Though I was living 6.5 hours away from her at the time, we made it work, even though we were broke and in college. Our love grew significantly, and within 8 months, she had moved to my college town to be with me.

 

From there our love grew. We had the college experience, but together. We partied, studied and did everything together. And it stayed like that through two places we shared while we finished college. It was her, me, and our dog Molly, who was originally from her family. We shared some of the same jobs together, although we didn't really work alongside one another. Her family became mine and mine hers. After 2 years of dating, I graduated college and moved to a town 3 hours further north. In a few months, after graduating as well, she moved up there to be with me.

 

We worked for the same startup company, that eventually went under. After that, she found a job she had for a year, while I got laid off again and found something else. While in the other town, our love continued to grow. Maybe it wasn't as passionate and spontaneous as it once was when we first dated (something that many others tell me happens), but we were mature and we always knew the love was there. Earlier this year was when I began to notice things going a little weird. I found myself being easily annoyed at anything, and it was often times her doing something. I was stressed with my job and we both eagerly wanted to leave the area to see something new. As the process of moving became more stressful, the more aggravated I became. I always loved her, and I always told her and kissed her.

 

3 weeks ago, we moved all the way down to Florida from Illinois. I had sensed that I hadn't been the loving person she knew I was or that I was trying to be again. During the past two weeks we had conversations about what was going on, and I vowed to make things better, and I made a mental note to. But on Monday, I woke up and saw her in a state I hadn't seen her. She was upset, and said she wasn't sure if things would ever be the same. I had plead that it wasn't the case and that I'd seen the err of my ways. The situation had been compounded since she was struggling to find work and was sitting at home moping for the two weeks. She was supposed to get a job with my new company, that never really materialized.

 

She went to go see her family in the south where we had first met. I have family there, and most of my lifelong friends. After days of being mad and telling me to wait to talk to me, she called me on Thursday. It started off light, but then she told me that she was going to live with her parents, find a job that she didn't take solely to make money and that she would move in to one of her parent's apartments in May when it became available.

 

Of course, I was crushed. While I didn't see it coming for a while, I knew things could have been better. I knew I could have been better. However, she didn't really say much until right when we got to Florida. I plead with her, and of course, it did not work. She told me that she needed to focus on being herself, and me the same. She said we had grown to be one big blob together instead of two strong individuals who love each other. I had been complacent with everything. and I think she did too.

 

I know she was right. Throughout the conversation, I told her how sorry I was and that I loved her. She told me she loved me, which felt great, but that she had fallen "out of love." And I can say I felt a little the same. We had grown complacent, me especially. I guess I always took the fact that she'd be around for granted, and didn't revert back to the normal, romantic, loving self that I am. We agreed to focus on ourselves and that we wouldn't go after anyone else. We also agreed that if we showed that we have grown to be who we should, that we shouldn't rule out getting back together again. She also said that if she had received a viable job offer after she left that Monday, that she would have come back down, but looked to live on her own

 

After the conversation, I really felt better than I thought. I was crushed, yes, but she was right, and I knew it. I had texted her a couple times that night, but I can tell it was too much too soon. The other night, we talked a little bit, most of it about who was going to get what. Her parents have provided a lot to us, and I am going to pay them for the things she's left behind, such as a car. Yesterday morning, I pryed a bit and tried to force conversation. I could tell she got tired of it, and told me she was going to go and to enjoy time with my family, who was coming to visit to help me out.

 

Since then, in the past few days, I have decided that Florida is not right for me. I am simply unhappy here as everything this place is will remind me of what happened when we got here. I have no friends or family here at all. I've decided that I will move back to Georgia, near where she is. While part of the attraction is that she is near, I really need the support and distraction of friends and family that I have there. I have heard back from jobs that would pay me much better, which is something I need. She had told me she was upset with the fact that I'd "be okay" with average, such as things in income and I'm sure she meant much more.

 

Since not talking to her on Saturday morning, I've felt much better. I know I need to focus on me. I've been working out more (already lost a ton of weight due to the breakup) and have been focusing on a game plan for my life and my future. I've posted things on social media that I know she'd see, but mostly because it made me feel a little better. Like I was moving on in the right direction.

 

But let me be clear, I want her back so badly. We were together for four years and she has been my soulmate since the day I met her. I've been fighting the battle of loss, but have also been feeling better about myself (both in the sense that I'll be good again, and that she'll remember who I really am). I am moving back to the area to do me, yes, but it would be hard to say that she's not a big reason.

 

I always disliked that area, or projected that, but it is one of my homes. When we talked about getting married, (something I should have asked way ahead of this time) we'd argue about doing it there. But I think it's the best place for me to get a fresh start. I believe that if I show myself and her how much better I've been, especially with anger (I seriously have not felt one ounce of anger since she's left), things will open the door to get us back together. I know she's mad at me right now (she said she was fighting with coming back or just being super pissed at me before she officially broke it up), but i know as time goes on, she'll realize who I am and miss me, or so I hope.

 

She is the love of my life. We've always told her that. She would always bring up the future, and I would too. It felt inevitable. But now I'm really scared. While going up back to that area is great for me, I want something more than just getting a better job and the surrounding of friends and family. I want the love of my life back. She took one dog and I'm taking the other (originally her dog, Molly), although I haven't brought the one dog or her stuff up yet.

 

Also, she has no idea I'm planning on moving up there yet. I don't plan on telling her for a few weeks, since that is when everything will be finalized anyway. But I don't want her to freak out and think I'm crazy. She wants to see change in me. And amongst the things I'm working on, including not being the irritable person I was in recent months, I believe showing her my willingness to work on things in her home, a place I've bashed on regular occasion, will speak volumes, but I'm not sure.

 

I know I shouldn't make contact with her. I might have to go up there to drop off her things ahead of time, but I'm not sure. I'm just looking for guidance. I really feel that in the end, as destined as we've always thought, we'll be together. It's just tough to be patient. But me not speaking to her since yesterday morning lets me know I'm on the right track. I feel better as myself, but I know it'll take time for things to get together.

 

So, please, advice: when should I tell her that I'm moving up that way? (btw, I'm doing it no matter what as even if we don't get together, I'll be near people I need to help me). When and how should I try and initiate contact, or should I at all? Do you think things will go the way I want eventually? I really need some motivation. I know she'll be sad eventually after she cools down and thinks of all the things we've shared, but it's hard to think of a bright future with her still mad with me.

 

Thank you for your help. Just writing this has been a bit of therapy.

Edited October 27, 2014 by chisox
forgot an important part

[ExpatInItaly]

What were the other problems in the relationship prior to the move to Florida? It sounds as though things had been building for a while before that. You stated she was "super-pissed" at you before breaking up - why? And I don't really understand her comment about you being ok with average. Does she think you're not ambitious, or?

 

In any case, she clearly wants space. I wouldn't contact her for a little while. If you decide to tell her now that you're moving, you might see your hope for reconciliation vanish altogether. She likely won't be happy to hear that at this time. For whatever reason(s), she feels separation is the best thing to do now. Only contact her to sort out logistics of returning her items if absolutely necessary. No relationship talk for now.

 

I honestly can't predict whether or not you'll get back together. Much of this could be circumstantial stress, but it could also be your ages. You're both still quite young and people do change a lot in their twenties. She may want to explore and date other people, spread her wings so to speak. Whatever you decide to do now, do not do it based on hopes of getting back together. Do it for you and with the motivation of moving on and starting a new chapter.

[chisox]

Well, I just wasn't as lovey-dovey as I had been in previous years. I kind of felt aloof and complacent. She complained sometimes that I wasn't the guy she first fell in love with. And I wasn't. I now see that it's who I should have been, unabashedly in love with her. Not to say I was ever falling out of lover with her, I just grew complacent. I was so used to having it the way it was that I didn't try and push things forward better.

 

And it's not that she thinks I'm not ambitious, it's just that I could be making more money and providing for us a little better. Money had been a little point of contention, and I had accepted a job in Florida at entry level money, when I should have been looking for something more. She said she was tired of living to paycheck to paycheck.

 

I know she wants space, and that's what I'm going to give her, but man, it's so tough. And I know she wouldn't be happy, which is why I'm going to wait. But I feel like if I wait until after I'm there to tell her I've moved, she'll feel weird like I was trying to hide something. The logistics of figuring out who gets what and such are all I'm trying to do at the moment. Though every second of every day I want to call her and tell her how much I love her, I know that's not the right thing to do.

 

I think it's very circumstantial based, and maybe we did do a little changing, but it certainly wasn't that that did it. She didn't allude to the not having a job thing really complicating things, but I know it made things worse. Had she had a job when we first got here, I don't think she would have up and left. I would have had more time to show change. I don't think she wants to see other people, especially right now. I know her convictions and when she says she wants to grow herself, she means it. She has no interest in being anything but independent right now, but unfortunately that includes me not being there. It's hard for me to see her attain that though while living at her parents house and waiting out for the best job she can get. I don't think it'll come for quite some time.

 

I am doing things for me, no doubt. But as I mentioned, I want her to see it too. If we don't get back together and I still have those strong mental changes, I'll be able to move on fine. I am ready to capture my true, independent spirit. The one we had when we first met. But if I were to not give this another try, though I know I'll have to wait, I'm sure I'd regret it one way or another in the future.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting, it's always hard to know what to do when you are in that sort of position. Have you considered maybe finding a counselor or a therapist once you get settled back into everything? It may be helpful to have someone objective to talk to about the situation. I hope it all works out for you. Best of luck, friend.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[CoolKids]

That's a lot of moving back and forth I see.

 

This may seem confusing now, and it probably won't clear up too easily as time goes on. In fact, right now you're probably wondering where it went wrong.

 

At that age you're in, it takes a lot of responsibility and maturity for people to maintain a relationship, especially a long distance one, where both parties are content with putting in the work. Here's where it gets tricky.

 

When relationships start out, it's fun, flirty, idealistic, and heavily romantic, but as time goes on, one or more parties can grow bored. They may not realize that it's boredom, as the very idea of treating a relationship like a toy seems ludicrous, but when things become available, or more options come around, just like a child, we can grow bored of the original.

 

With that being said, one or more parties may stay due to their own insecurity, raising questions such as "Is there anything better for me out there, or is this it?" and "What if I marry the wrong person? What if this person is right for me?" While they question this in the back of their minds, they grow resentful. They are too insecure to want to give up the comfort and security, but also want to see what else is out there. Once the seed of thought is planted, it's the beginning of the end.

 

Due to that, they may unconsciously pick fights and flaws out in you, as they themselves can't fully justify why they are feeling so detached from you, and possibly attached to an idea or another person. So they need to look for a reason. This is when you feel the distance, the lack of interest, you may be lied to, even.

 

They tend to be unsure and insecure of themselves, so they don't want to come out and say that they feel like the relationship has become boring or more work than they feel like it's worth it. This is around the time they will have the desire to explore, but since there is nothing WRONG with the relationship on the outside, to try to justify their insecurity, they nitpick reasons. In the case of a woman, this can be especially true, because if they move to a new city, no doubt they are being hit on, enjoy the attention, and then wonder why it seems they don't enjoy it from you.

 

Before you know it, fights start. It starts off small, but then it slowly gets bigger and bigger. Sometimes, one part just disengages, while wrestling in their minds on how to proceed, or why they are feeling this way. If they can't justify it, they can't leave, even if they wanted to, without looking like the bad guy. This is an issue the majority of young people in relationships face, especially first timers, and due to these feelings, they tend to handle it immaturely. A plethora of reasons could bring about these thoughts and issues, such as distance, career paths, cultural differences, family, or the more common reason: curiosity.

 

As young people, and as humans, we feel like we deserve the best, as it is told to us that we should be the best we can be, so we may look out there, see a person or a relationship that is more appealing on the surface than our previous one. But that person won't jump ship until they have a good hold on the balcony. Till then, they will probably tell you "I need space" or "I feel like we need to be separate people." Most of the time, the person who initiates that has NO intention on being by themselves, but rather, exploring a life without you, possibly with someone else.

 

But on the off chance it doesn't work out with other people, that vague line they fed you keeps you hanging on, as they are not secure enough within themselves to actually be single, and would run back to you as if they had never left you for someone else, and if you were to question about it, they'll pull a technicality out of their hat.

 

I'm no expert, but after spending time on this board and observing real life, this has been my take on what you might be going through. Right now, you can not control how she feels or what she may be doing, but you can control how you deal with it in a manner that isn't toxic: by removing yourself from the situation and accepting the new normal.

 

Good luck. You're gonna need it.