janetl Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I have wondered while reading on this site. Is there any well known statistics about the divorce rate among the "empty nesters" when at least one of the spouses have had an affair but the marriage survived for the sake of the kids? I was reading only about what are called "Gray divorces" and the rate of them have increased from 10% to 25% in last 10-15 years. Is there any correlation of these numbers with the rate of extra-marital affairs? If this is not the right forum to post this, please advise the right one. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 This article states that infidelity does NOT play a role in the increase of these gray divorces. Sorry. The Epidemic of Gray Divorces | Psychology Today Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 (edited) Probably more to do with paople just having more money....Money=options..But yes, its quite common for people to stick it out for the sake of the kids...Even though it might be tough, its usually a better way to do it.. Edited October 27, 2014 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 My parents divorced after the youngest went to college. That was a timeline my father had in place, I think, for years. That and financially they couldn't afford to divorce. It was a very stressful and toxic way to grow up, two adults hating each other but stuck because of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Sorry to hear that. I would rather not debate what is worse: growing up in a troubled marriage house or single parent / step parent house. For the gray divorce research, I think the article does say that they are not result of infidelity : at least not statistically. But my question was not immediate or recent infidelity or affair. I meant how many have harboring the pain, stress, damage of an old affair / infidelity yet stayed married for children and divorced after many years... I guess it's hard to get data. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Sorry to hear that. I would rather not debate what is worse: growing up in a troubled marriage house or single parent / step parent house. For the gray divorce research, I think the article does say that they are not result of infidelity : at least not statistically. But my question was not immediate or recent infidelity or affair. I meant how many have harboring the pain, stress, damage of an old affair / infidelity yet stayed married for children and divorced after many years... I guess it's hard to get data. I think its also that the times have changed... Dont forget, Just a few decades ago, many people felt their lives were pretty much over at 55 or 60, why turn your lives upside down for a few years of independence.??...heaven knows not everyone is doing cartwheels after a divorce.. With advances in medicine and the increase in lifespan, people now see a future or hope of something better as they arent seeing their own mortality as close as they did in the past...Heck, I am almost 50...I am in the best physical shape of my life... My dad at my age now, had already undergone a bypass operation and couldnt climb a flight of stairs...He was absolutely "old"... One other thing came to mind...Most of the "grey's" now would be considered boomers...The women of that generation grew up with feminism and are empowered...They would probably have more independence and self reliance, so they dont need to hang on with a spouse as they arent as much afraid of that unknown as women of past generations might have been.... .02 TFY Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 .02? Is that the statistical confidence level for your statement? Kidding, I just like messing with people. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 (Duplicate post.) Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 My divorce and overall situation fit that demographic precisely. 23 years with a child close to finishing high school. The only difference is that there is no mention of Barbra being BSC, but... Here is the key fact in the article, which also fits my situation precisely... If we hold our partner responsible for providing us with fulfillment, it's likely that we will end up feeling let down and disappointed, and they will feel resentful and burdened. My response was, a) hell, you've never been happy, so why do you all of a sudden believe it's someone else's responsibility, and b) this would be a whole lot easier if you just accept the offer of a 60/40 split rather than spending half of everything just so you can stand up in a public and talk about how you think you deserve 90 percent. In the end, she had to settle for half of what was left over after the lawyers got paid (which obviously wasn't close to the first offer). Successful couples- They understand that luck is not the primary factor in the establishment of great relationships, and they take responsibility for doing the work that such partnerships require. What sets successful couples apart from others is they are committed to dealing with issues when they arise. And they have developed skills related to communication, negotiation, working out the differences (even those that are irreconcilable), letting go, forgiving, trust-building and trust repair. Yea, I want one of those please. Unfortunately, I seem to meet a lot of women who are divorced simply because they weren't fulfilled, and it wasn't their fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Sorry to hear that. I would rather not debate what is worse: growing up in a troubled marriage house or single parent / step parent house. For the gray divorce research, I think the article does say that they are not result of infidelity : at least not statistically. But my question was not immediate or recent infidelity or affair. I meant how many have harboring the pain, stress, damage of an old affair / infidelity yet stayed married for children and divorced after many years... I guess it's hard to get data. Yes that was my parents. My mom apparently had an affair when I was very young, with an ex, and my dad found out. I believe he found out in the middle of a fight, she through it out at him. Well they really didn't do any real reconciliation, they just rolled with it. But you can see, looking back, how much stemmed with that. They met on a rebound for both of them, never should have married, and while had a lot of similarities/interests, just were not a good romantic match. They weren't in love with each other, it just was convenient, fit their personal timelines, and were available. So I think the affair was a shining light that they should have divorced much earlier and limped along for almost two decades. I know my father felt unappreciated and not good enough, and just fed into his lifetime desire for his mother's approval which has continued to manifest in his romantic relationships. My mom completely disconnected and I know one thing that was a major head scratcher for my dad was during some fight many years later she had apparently "forgot" she even had an affair. I didn't know about the affair until I was an adult and they were divorcing. A lot of different things started making sense and really solidified for me how f up their relationship was. Link to post Share on other sites
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