carhill Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 A search for the word pay and paid in this thread only brings up my post. Citation?
Author Gaeta Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 Carhill: He did show regrets for today but he did not cancel our date. He kind of stood me up didn't he. We paid each our turn for the dates and we spent about equally.
Divasu Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Question: Who paid for the dates? I ask because it may be relevant to the progression and content of the interaction. Curious why you threw that out there? As I see it, he has her waiting by the phone in a standstill. First with their planned date and a second time with a date he committed to make up for the following day. What's so hard about telling her that he's going to be tied up for the next several days or so to care for his friend and that they'll reconvene once things settle down? If that is in fact true. They are dating and don't owe the other anything except common courtesy. I mean, OP has stated she's multidating and not sure if she's told him that. Perhaps there's a very good chance he is too.
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Does it really matter who pays and how much?? Maybe 30 years ago it meant something but these days not so much. Some people are too afraid to say "I'm dating others atm, or I was incarcerated lol.
Assasda Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Sounds like he has a lot on his plate. You should tell him to contact you whenever he figures his stuff out. Then move on. Then only answer phone calls from him. No more texts. Thats my suggestion.
TheFinalWord Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Saturday at 16:30 he calls and says he has to rush to the hospital because his friend's wife collapsed and she is being brought to the hospital. He said he really was looking forward to see me and he'll keep in touch and we can still go out later. He is setting up the fade away here...he is attempting to cut you off by setting up a false "it's not you it's me" scenario. 20h30 comes by and no news so I text him. No come back from him. 22h30 he text me he is really sorry, he just got home, ***He could have called right there*** blah, blah, blah, excuse, excuse. He asked if he could see me the following day (today), insists he really wants to see me. I said ok, I am free in the afternoon. We set a date for the afternoon. If this was sincere, I would have called. At this point, a date has been cancelled and you are left to hang...He is asking a lot of a person (you) he just met. If he doesn't know that you should forget any dates just based on his level of incompetence. Today I don't hear from him even though we are suppose to have a date in the pm. At 14h00 I text him and no come back from him all day. He did that on purpose so that he could put the blame on himself later. Now at 18h30 he sends me a text, not a call, but a text saying he is so sorry, he feels he abandoned me and he ruined my weekend, his friend's wife is in intensive care it's not going well and how are you. "it's not you it's me"...classic set-up when seeking a non-confrontational way out. I did not reply yet. I am too on edge. He could not call or text me to cancel our afternoon date because his friend's wife is sick? Whether he's lying or not, you have only known him a few weeks(?) and already you are seeing he's a bad communicator. Yes, someone can find 10 seconds to call when they are at the hospital. If you are there all night, there's really nothing else you can do. He also could have called on the way home. The issue is you don't feel as guilty about lying when you do it over text. People will have a harder time lying face to face, but over text it is much easier. A lot of telling someone is lying is the way they tell their fib, the nervous look etc. That is removed with texts. That's why I think that for any cancellation, it should occur over phone so sincerity could be conveyed. Personally, I think this is an attempted fade-away...to annoy you, so that you write him some nasty text and then he can vindicate himself by saying you have an anger issue. I've dated these types. They're either drama or just too weak to tell you straight up they've lost interest. I would delete number. When he texts next, write back (2 days later) and say a bird's nest fell out of the tree and you were working all night to put it together again and as such did not have time to text. 5
FitChick Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Don't have three dates in one week unless you are in another country on vacation with limited time.
Poppygoodwill Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Seriously?? Two words: intensive. care. Stop being so self involved.
Arieswoman Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Gaeta, Today I don't hear from him even though we are suppose to have a date in the pm. At 14h00 I text him and no come back from him all day. Now at 18h30 he sends me a text, not a call, but a text saying he is so sorry, he feels he abandoned me and he ruined my weekend, his friend's wife is in intensive care it's not going well and how are you. Sorry Gaeta, but I smell a rat and a two-legged one at that. His behaviour is just rude and inconsiderate and I don't actually believe a word of this stuff about his "friend's wife I would do nothing and see if he contacts you again. Then if he does you can decide if you want to give him another chance. Personally, I think he's dating another woman at the same time as you. Sorry. 3
Author Gaeta Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 Once again thank you all for your help with one of my dating stories. I read all your posts, I slept on it, and this morning I sent him a text saying his friend's wife being at the hospital does not excuse him not cancelling our afternoon date, I did not want to see his name on my phone again. I dump them earlier and earlier don't I. 6
Arieswoman Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Gaeta, I dump them earlier and earlier don't I. Good. You certainly don't want to waste any of your precious time on anything that's a non-starter. It's a numbers game, keep at it 2
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I dump them earlier and earlier don't I. Yes, that means you're learning, spotting the dodgy behaviour earlier and not taking their carp as much! Dating is about getting to know someone. You've got to know that he is the kind of guy who will cancel a date with no notice (and possibly make up stories about hospitalized friends wives). Not good bf material. NEXT! 5
Toodaloo Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Oh Gaeta. Well done you. I would have so fallen for this... My brain is flipping between oh poor him and what an arse... Keep going! You are doing wonderfully! Big hug. 2
Emilia Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Once again thank you all for your help with one of my dating stories. I read all your posts, I slept on it, and this morning I sent him a text saying his friend's wife being at the hospital does not excuse him not cancelling our afternoon date, I did not want to see his name on my phone again. I dump them earlier and earlier don't I. A little perspective here perhaps: these are strangers you have just met. You don't know them from a bar of soap. If you met these men through your social circle, I bet you wouldn't bother with half of them in the first place because you would sus them out in your group without having the need for a 'date'. You are putting a lot of effort into giving men a chance whom you meet really by chance. If you closed your eyes and open a local phone book and pointed at a few names randomly, it would be the same odds on finding a guy that wants a relationship/is compatible with you. 2
Author Gaeta Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 I cannot believe he replied. Not sure what part of 'do not want to see your name on my phone again' he didn't get. He said: You are angry with reasons. I did not have my phone on me yesterday and I am regretting it. I had no choice but to devote my time and all my attention to my friend in need, that is what friendship is about. I cannot do anything else, I can see now the mess I've created by doing so. More he speaks more he digs himself in a hole.
Author Gaeta Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 A little perspective here perhaps: these are strangers you have just met. You don't know them from a bar of soap. If you met these men through your social circle, I bet you wouldn't bother with half of them in the first place because you would sus them out in your group without having the need for a 'date'. You are putting a lot of effort into giving men a chance whom you meet really by chance. If you closed your eyes and open a local phone book and pointed at a few names randomly, it would be the same odds on finding a guy that wants a relationship/is compatible with you. What do you want me to do? We had 3 fun dates then he does this and I dump him. How am I suppose to know I should or should not bother with them if I don't go on a couple of dates with them? I am not sure I follow your reasoning. I don't have a 'social group' to pick men out of. Most these men act like gentleman at work and in society. I am sure everyone likes this guy at his work and at his church. I have been on blind dates set up by family members. Men my friends swore were <good guys>, they were morons during a date. What makes a man a good collegue and a good friend, does not necessarily make him a good date. 1
Art_Critic Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 good lord.. the drama oozing from the guy.. good for you for sticking to your guns... 3
PegNosePete Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 He said: You are angry with reasons. I did not have my phone on me yesterday and I am regretting it. I had no choice but to devote my time and all my attention to my friend in need, that is what friendship is about. I cannot do anything else, I can see now the mess I've created by doing so. Reply: "who is this?" LOL. 3
carhill Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Curious why you threw that out there? As I see it, he has her waiting by the phone in a standstill. First with their planned date and a second time with a date he committed to make up for the following day. What's so hard about telling her that he's going to be tied up for the next several days or so to care for his friend and that they'll reconvene once things settle down? If that is in fact true. They are dating and don't owe the other anything except common courtesy. I mean, OP has stated she's multidating and not sure if she's told him that. Perhaps there's a very good chance he is too. I asked because how a man approaches a woman for dating indicate his personal style of dating, mating and interactions with women in general, so relevant to the interactions here, since they were with a woman for dating. No person I know of 'waits by the phone' and probably hasn't for 15 years or so. We all have mobile phones and we're all out and about. When I was dating, it was simply another stop in my day. If a call for cancellation came in (rare!) I'd simply move on to the next event or appointment or friend or hobby. Waiting by the phone occurred more back in the days of land lines and no answering machines, like perhaps back in the 1970's and earlier. Since the gentleman and OP apparently demonstrated an equality attitude about the dating dynamic and the guy's behavior regarding his apparent attention to a friend's wife's illness trumping their dates rubs her the wrong way, it's a miss. Similar events can and will surely happen in the future so better to deal with it now. Good show. 2
Emilia Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 What do you want me to do? We had 3 fun dates then he does this and I dump him. How am I suppose to know I should or should not bother with them if I don't go on a couple of dates with them? I am not sure I follow your reasoning. I don't have a 'social group' to pick men out of. Most these men act like gentleman at work and in society. I am sure everyone likes this guy at his work and at his church. I have been on blind dates set up by family members. Men my friends swore were <good guys>, they were morons during a date. What makes a man a good collegue and a good friend, does not necessarily make him a good date. I think you misread my post. You sounded down ('I dump them earlier and earlier don't I.') and my point is that it's nothing to be down about. These guys are strangers, this is how it goes.
preraph Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Just do one more text telling him you hope everything turns out okay and then don't text anymore and see if he does. It could be a blowoff or it could be real.
Author Gaeta Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 Just do one more text telling him you hope everything turns out okay and then don't text anymore and see if he does. It could be a blowoff or it could be real. He sent a couple of apologies and asked what else he could do. I said I want him to let me move on to someone better suited for me. He wished me luck, I wished him the same.
Divasu Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Once again thank you all for your help with one of my dating stories. I read all your posts, I slept on it, and this morning I sent him a text saying his friend's wife being at the hospital does not excuse him not cancelling our afternoon date, I did not want to see his name on my phone again. I dump them earlier and earlier don't I. Good girl. Though, I hate the term "dump". Simply put you drew a boundary for yourself, nothing more nothing less. Being supportive of someone else's hardships is important but does not equal being a pushover. 4
Divasu Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I asked because how a man approaches a woman for dating indicate his personal style of dating, mating and interactions with women in general, so relevant to the interactions here, since they were with a woman for dating. No person I know of 'waits by the phone' and probably hasn't for 15 years or so. We all have mobile phones and we're all out and about. When I was dating, it was simply another stop in my day. If a call for cancellation came in (rare!) I'd simply move on to the next event or appointment or friend or hobby. Waiting by the phone occurred more back in the days of land lines and no answering machines, like perhaps back in the 1970's and earlier. Since the gentleman and OP apparently demonstrated an equality attitude about the dating dynamic and the guy's behavior regarding his apparent attention to a friend's wife's illness trumping their dates rubs her the wrong way, it's a miss. Similar events can and will surely happen in the future so better to deal with it now. Good show. Thank you Carhill. I always enjoy reading your insights which is why I asked.
writergal Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Good girl. Though, I hate the term "dump". Simply put you drew a boundary for yourself, nothing more nothing less. Being supportive of someone else's hardships is important but does not equal being a pushover. Totally agree with you Divasu! Gaeta was right to let this guy know what is/isn't acceptable behavior with regards to communication and how to treat her. Texting as a form of communication is so disingenuous, because it's easy to use texting to lie to other people. Whereas a phone call shows that an effort was made, and that the intention to reach out is genuine. Gaeta was right to let this guy go, because he ignored her feelings by leaving her hanging, standing her up for a date that HE scheduled. That's just downright rude of him, especially because Gaeta clearly communicated her expectations to him beforehand. 5
Recommended Posts