purplesoccer34 Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 I was friends with someone for 7 years. Starting the past year or so, he started to become quite mean to me, but I ended the friendship three months ago when he started throwing insults at me for no reason. That's when I decided I've had it. He said things like I'm a spoiled brat because my parents didn't raise me right. He said they raised me to be a child, and not an adult. He said some other weird things, insulting my parents, calling them childish and unintelligent and things like that. He said that no guy would ever date me, and that I'll never become successful in life because I have the brain, attitude, and intelligence of a 4-year old. His exact words were, "Your personality so repulsive, I can't even imagine that a guy would ever be interested in you. Or even if he is interested, he'll run away once he sees your true personality." He said my appearance is "unsightly," "ugly," and other random things like, "You don't have even one healthy friendship in your life." He constantly brags about himself, saying that he can get any woman he wants, and that he can get into any grad school he wants, be anything he wants in life with his intelligence, blah blah. I know he's said a lot more than this, but I've forgotten a lot of them---which I'm happy about. I just don't understand. I don't know what he has to make all these claims. He's never met my friends or my parents (who both went to grad school and have great jobs, so I don't know where he's getting that unintelligent stuff from). I actually have many close friends, who have been by my side for years (I'm very grateful for that), and I'm currently working and in grad school. I've worked for everything I own, so I also don't know where he's getting "spoiled brat" from. I'm also dating a wonderful guy who I feel I'm very lucky to have in my life. Deep down, I know that all his nonsense is untrue, so I don't know why it's bothering me. It really shouldn't. He's the first person who has ever really insulted me. I have met people who have called me hardworking, responsible, friendly, nice, smart etc. all right in front of him. He ended up telling me, "They don't truly know you the way I do. You're great at putting up a front." He's almost 40, living in his parents' basement with no job, no girlfriend, and no real friends. No joke, he's gotten into a fight (some physical) with almost every friend he's ever had. How can I just forget this? It's been three months, and this nonsense is still running through my head. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if any of what he said is actually true--he insists with certainty that he is always right.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 Sometimes I can't help but wonder if any of what he said is actually true My guess is you believe he's right. Ever call a person who weighs 120 lbs "fat"? They don't get mad. Call an extremely smart person "stupid" and it doesn't faze them. Call a beautiful person "ugly" and they wonder what you are talking about. The only things that hurt us are the things that we believe to be true and we wish others didn't know about. When they tell those things to us, especially with the intent to hurt us, it does.
todreaminblue Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 (edited) Sounds like a difficult friendship to maintain on your part.....when i have met really negative people, personally i would keep them on the outer levels of my friendship that way they cant get to my heart with negativity....i dont understand why you like this guy as a friend...in what way has he contributed to the friendship? what qualities do you see in him other than disdain for your life and you personally? to get over nasty things people say .....i tend to look deeper into the unhappiness that they have.....and that is what i feel this guy has....a whole load of unhappiness and he is projecting it out in anger at you who is probably his only true "friend"...i have had people do this to me......I have a guy friend who is very angry at the world in general,religion .....anyone who wears a cross around their neck makes him shudder, his history is horrific....very similar to mine.......he will say things that hurt me.....but i know where his anger lies......and he always says sorry ...he also contributes to the friendship and i can trust him..........he actually tries to help others as well......even though he is really down in the mud..... he has major issues adn a wicked addiction.....i see him..i see the child that never got loved like he should....in fact he got shown things he shouldnt......my friend is a work in progress...i am much more like a mum to him...his height he tops five foot....one of the reasons for his lack of growth is he was not fed or nourished properly in utero and through his childhood years...he got fostered out a few times from the home and one family made him eat out of a bowl with the dogs said he wasnt fit to eat at the table..one day ill write his story........i will never give up on him......he has no family other than mine who accept him and know what he has been through...........what do you see in this friend of yours....it is possible to forgive bad behaviors....it most of the time isnt possible to forget them.....deb Edited October 26, 2014 by todreaminblue
preraph Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Look, I don't know if you have some issues, but I do know he has if he's 40 and living in his parents' basement. It could be some of what he said to you hit home in some ways -- or could be just that he was so mean and hateful that it made you feel bad. This is the behavior of an abuser: They try to convince the woman (or man) they're worthless because it's the only way they can feel superior. Please realize that at least 90 percent of his diatribe were to try to put himself on your level or above, tearing you down to build himself up. If he could convince you you were worthless enough, then he figures you might be able to respect or love him. Don't do it. He's a loser and an abuser. No matter what he has or hasn't accomplished, he is 40 and living in mommy's basement so it counts for little or nothing. Don't ever stick around when someone, no matter who, says mean things to you. For every one who will do that, there are a hundred who won't and will appreciate you for who you are.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 My guess is you believe he's right. Ever call a person who weighs 120 lbs "fat"? They don't get mad. Call an extremely smart person "stupid" and it doesn't faze them. Call a beautiful person "ugly" and they wonder what you are talking about. The only things that hurt us are the things that we believe to be true and we wish others didn't know about. When they tell those things to us, especially with the intent to hurt us, it does. Wow, literally none of this is true. Call a 120lbs person "fat" and sure some may brush the comment off, but others may well start to worry whether they are a little pudgy and might just look better at 110lbs. Things hurt us for a variety of reasons, one of them being the source. If a random stranger on the street called a beautiful woman an ugly hag it might not make a dent, but if her boyfriend or best friend said it she might quickly melt into a puddle of insecurity. I've always been considered highly intelligent, espeically by my peers. I tested highly and excelled academically. But this guy I was dating, he always had to one-up me on the intelligence scale and while he never said it, the implication was there. He thought I was dumb. He went so far as to tell me "Well, not all girls can be pretty and smart". Despite deep down feeling this was untrue, the nagging sensation that he was somehow right and I'd simply been lied to all along grew and grew. So for a long time - even after I broke up with him - I thought OH MY GOD, I AM DUMB. I was made to feel so insecure about my intelligence for so all because someone I cared about made told me I wasn't smart enough. So no, OP I don't think your so called friend was right nor do I think that's really the source of your pain. You're hurt because someone you cared about said awful things to you. It sucks when or friends are cruel. Because he was someone you were close to and who knew you better than most people, you're slowly convincing yourself that he must have seen "ugly truths" about you that you somehow overlooked. However I don't think that's the case at all. 1
Standard-Fare Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 No one should ever be that harsh and blunt with someone they care about. In fact, it's not acceptable to be that harsh and blunt with ANYONE, forget if they're a friend. Even if this guy had/has valid grievances with you, his choice of words and style of expressing them crossed major lines. You were right to ditch the friendship. People don't go on cruel rants like that unless there's other stuff going on in their lives. My guess is his criticisms come from his own place of anger/pain. And from what you describe, he sounds like a major loser with a lot of insecurities he's deflecting. Don't even look back on this one.
carhill Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 He's almost 40, living in his parents' basement with no job, no girlfriend, and no real friends. No joke, he's gotten into a fight (some physical) with almost every friend he's ever had. How can I just forget this? It's been three months, and this nonsense is still running through my head. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if any of what he said is actually true--he insists with certainty that he is always right. Given the age range, my process would be wow I don't know how to respond to such comments, then I'd examine the circumstances and conclude the person was either mentally ill or emotionally unstable, either circumstantially or elementally, and move on. That determination would turn upon the reasonableness of the interaction, the history of the friendship and the person's personal circumstances. Emotionally, they'd be dead and buried. I've done this in the past to family and supposed friends simply because the alternative is illegal. Better to stay legal, IMO. Unfortunately, there are those amongst us who will test others inhibitions to do illegal and immoral things simply because they can, whether due to purposeful behavior or mental disease or defect. They simply live their lives testing boundaries. This guy sounds like one of those people, particular since he doesn't live independently and apparently drives his friends away with his behaviors. One day he might run into someone like himself and someone will go to the undertaker and the other to jail. Happens. IME, it's less about forgetting and more about processing. We all have emotions. We choose how to process them. Each person is different, as you can clearly see contrasting your processes versus those of this friend. IMO, move on. Good luck! 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Just want to congratulate you on your good judgement in nixing this friendship now before he got even more abusive, which probably will happen. I always tell my kids, "When someone treats you badly or in a strange way don't worry about it being your fault. People behave the way they behave not because of who you are, but because of who they are!" It's true. Bet you anything he does this to everyone else he knows, too! And YOU have walked away from it! You are wise! Good for you! And if anything he says tries to creep back into your mind today........let these words take over instead.......... "Brilliant and beautiful Purplesoccer34, you go have a fantastic day! <everyone's lined up to wish you the best, Darlin'! 1
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