From an unbiased point of view, how do you think he feels about me?

[sweetpea24]

First off, i want to say that I am a freshman in college, so I do understand that I am young and have a lot ahead of me. But although i am young, I have had my fair share of heartbreaks.

 

My ex boyfriend and I were dating for more than a year and a half. Our relationship consisted of a constant honey moon phase that lasted from our first date to our last weeks together. I am a year older than him, so I am a freshman in college and he is a senior in high school. I knew he was feeling uneasy about me leaving for college, but we have always had an hour distance between us like we do now so i did not think much would be different. One day about a month ago while i was in class he sent me multiple text messages, saying he found me a job near his house at a school for disabled children, which is what my major at college focuses on, and that i could just stay with him.

 

I replied with I don't know how that would work, as I still have to go to school, and although i know he would never want me to drop out of college, I think he was trying to say he missed me. As soon as I said that, he had a breakdown. I was very worried about him, so I left school and went to his house after my class was over.

He is the type of guy that always holds all of his feelings in by the way.

 

When i got to his house, i discovered how much stress he has been under that he didn't tell me about. he is nearly failing one of his classes, which would result in him not graduating, not being able to play football (his favorite thing, and his team having a streak of being the division 1 state champs in our state, so he feels very pressured to exceed this season) and his insurance going up quite a bit for his drivers license as a deal with his mom. When he started saying that he was confused in regards to us, he began crying for the first time in 10 years. He kept crying saying he was so sorry, but that he'd been holding things in for so long regarding things I did that bothered him.

 

I ended up suggesting we take some time apart so he could figure things out, and he agreed that was a good idea. He kept telling me that this wasn't goodbye and that we would try again when we both worked on ourselves for a bit. it was a heart wrenching night, as he is a tough guy so seeing him cry because we were breaking up was so hard, as my feelings for him are insane. we kept in touch for the next week, so after a week i suggested we meet up and talk, because i was missing him so much and wanted to start working on things. When we met up, two weeks after the breakup, we decided to start working on things together and we got back together.

 

He told me about how is teammates and friends used to and still mock him about me, saying he wouldn't be able to function without me and other immature things.

I should add that his lifelong best friend recently got cheated on by his first love, so his friend is now very resentful towards the thought of relationships. I do believe that he is influencing my ex, and making him feel like he should not be with me, out of his own bitterness. I feel as though my ex thinks he needs to prove his masculinity to his friends. I know for a fact that his friend is influencing him right now, but I don't know if there is anything i can do about that...

 

The next day after we got back together, he changed his mind late that night... saying he was not ready for a relationship. I asked if he still had feelings for me, and he avoided the question until i made him answer. he responded with "not as much as you do." I was so mad! but he also started to vent to me, and the things he told me, I know now that he is very depressed, asking what is the point of life, saying he had no ambition for anything anymore. The next night i couldn't stop thinking about how worried i was about his well being, even though i was still mad, so i contacted his mom because we are very close. i told her that regardless of our relationship status i was worried about him as a person and wanted to be sure that he was okay.

 

she told me that she is also extremely worried about him, as he is under a lot of stress. She told me that the day he ended it with me for a second time, he called her very upset and asked her to dismiss him from school. she said he was a mess. she did not think that he wanted to end things with me, but that he is in a tough place right now. she also added that he thinks he just needs football to end and everything to die down, then he'll realize that we belong together, which broke my heart because he is a lot like his mother in that they don't like to talk about their feelings very much, so her saying that meant a lot. out of my love for him i let go of some of that anger, but i decided to leave him alone for a while as he clearly has things he needs to figure out.

 

it's been hard for me to know how he actually feels about me because i have not seen him in a month at this point, so i often over think and dwell on how he said that he does not have feelings for me anymore, but a part of me does not believe that he was truthful when he said that. a week ago, my friend contacted him because she is not only my best friend but also close with him. he admitted to her that he constantly thinks about me, as do i, but that he is still very confused. This made me upset, because i guess i just want him to see that if he would let me, we could be together and i could help him through this hard time.

 

i have not contacted him for the past 2 weeks because i thought it would be best if we didn't talk for a while so he could figure stuff out, but yesterday, he texted me and said he was in my college town, but that he was on a field trip so he couldn't come see me, so i was confused as to why he texted me in the first place... he then asked how i was, i responded with good and i asked how he was, and he said "eh" and i asked if friends and school were still stressing him out, and he responded with "i'm lonely". I did not know what to say because i am still hurt, so I said "ohh" and he did not respond and he haven't talked since.. i am wondering if i should have said more to him telling me he was lonely, but i am still mad and hurt that i am being put through all this pain, and the constant wonder of how he actually feels about me..

 

I guess my question is, from an unbiased point of view, how do you think he feels about me? do you think he still wants to be with me, but that he still needs time? I am doing the right thing by giving him so much space?

 

also, i am aware of how dramatic this all seems. I have talked with my mother multiple times about it, and she recently admitted to me that even though we are young, we had the most mature and nice relationship she has ever seen young people have. although i have been going through hell with emotions lately, and because i am at college i have been trying to stick with my friends and move on, but i still love him with all my heart, and i don't just miss being in a relationship, i miss my best friend and how happy he made me.

any insight and advice is greatly appreciated!!!

Edited October 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zzyxx]

This isn't meant to sound harsh, as we've all been there, but here goes. In this situation it doesn't matter what he's thinking or feeling, just what he's doing, which is not asking you to get back together. He ended it, he knows how you feel, and he's not asking for you back, so you have your answer, at least for now. He's still in HS, which at least for me, and I was a really really mature teenager, is still a really big step mentally and emotionally for a lot of people between that and your first university experience. He probably just isn't ready for this at this stage of his life.

 

This sucks, and I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to let him go and not speak to him anymore. If he wants you back, he is capable of asking. If you want you can explain this to him, since it seems like you have a cordial relationship, instead of just never speaking to him again. That will hurt, and everything will suck for awhile, but the good news is that being a freshman in college you can surround yourself with a ton of new and interesting experiences that will take your mind off some of the pain. Also, NC is an amazing coping tool. I'm at least a decade older than you, so have been through a fair amount of dumpings, and I'd highly recommend it. Right now I legitimately cannot go NC because my ex and I lived together and had legal business together, so it won't be possible to completely not speak to her for at least another month, but I would absolutely love to be able to do it and just not speak to her anymore. Especially cause I know she is actively dating. Believe me, you don't want to have to hear about this stuff and be around for the after math. I know it sounds crazy, but take advantage of NC.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd say he loves you and cares about you, but isn't in love with you. Cliche, I know. But he clearly said he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him. The most important thing is that he isn't asking you to come back at this time. He broke up with you, so you don't need to worry about giving him too much space. That's what happens when a relationship ends. I would continue no contact and give yourselves room to breathe. Listen to him when he says he's not ready for a relationship right now. It doesn't necessarily mean there's no hope for the future, but he's telling you he's not a good place to be a supportive partner at this time.

[d0nnivain]

I think he "loves" you as much as a teenaged boy can love anybody. I also think he has a LOT on his plate & you were right to tell his mom.

 

He's depressed & stressed but you are not the answer to any of his problems nor did you cause them.

 

His BFF is whispering in his ear. Because that guy got cheated on he thinks all girls cheat & since you are away at college it's easy for you to cheat so the BFF is making things worse.

 

Your BF needs to buckle down & study. When he realizes he has a future, then he will start to heal.

 

For now, his parents need to keep an eye on him to assure that he doesn't do anything stupid like drop out of HS, turn to drugs or worse, try to kill himself.

 

See him when you come home for the holidays but understand your relationship is essentially over. That's painful but it's not a bad thing. It's time for both of you to grow & move on.

[sweetpea24]

We are back together! Thank you everyone!

[Ducktape]

Congratulations! But don't lose focus on things you need to work on in the relationship. Communication is key, and if nothing changes from the prior relationship, then this one is doomed to end in the same way! Don't give up!

[d0nnivain]

We are back together! Thank you everyone!

 

 

 

That's all well & good but have you addressed any of the issues that drove you apart? How is his school work doing? what is going to happen when you return to college & his buddy starts telling him not to trust you again? Has he gone to counseling? Is he being treated for his depression?

 

 

Without fixing the underlying problems you are going to end up right where you were.