The Student Is Only As Good As The Teacher

[AaronSG]

First off I would like to tell everyone out there in L.S. land a warm felt good morning and hello, I hope everyone out there is doing the best they can for themselves.

 

((Sorry for this possibly being long, but it's important, at least to me!)

 

Next, I just got off the phone with my Father, it was a very nice phone call, at some point in our conversations the topic of my breakup with my ex-fiance came up! He didn't bring it up to be hurtful, he just wanted to check in and make sure I'm fine, how I'm dealing with things, am I doing things to help myself to get over it and move on, stuff like that.

 

I guess my ego this morning woke up on the wrong side of the bed, because after he was done making sure I was okay and doing my best in regards to the breakup, my ego and pride and vanity kicked into "high gear" I just started rolling with a history lesson, the day we met, the days we enjoyed, the good, the bad, the ugly, the breakup, the nasty game play, ect. ect. ect.

 

He stopped me for a minute and told me "Son we've already been down this road of information about a month back" and if your still at that point you were a month back, and your still very hurt and passionate about the subject I'd like to possibly give you something new to think about. He told me we all know what your ex-fiance did, we all know how her and her family tricked you from day one, making you think you were getting into a loving and caring relationship, all the while they were just using you to get what we have.

 

He said we all know what she got out of everyone, we all know about the money that was dumped into your guys relationship to help you have big fun and all, but he told me there comes a point where you have to start telling yourself that it might not be all your ex-fiance's fault.......after all Son, the student can only be as good as the teacher! I said that I've hear that term before, I know what it means, but how does that term relate to a broken relationship?

 

He was more than happy to answer, he told me that at some point I'm going to have to realize that it wasn't really her that did anything to me, yeah, she may have been the physical instrument, but mentally, she really didn't do anything wrong to you. I hit the ceiling with that remark, Dad told me to calm down and listen! He told me that one of these days, I'm just going to have to make the choice to drop everything I think she did wrong to me and our family on the ground, he told me your going to have to learn to turn away from what you just dropped and choose to walk in a new direction, away from the cares and worries that are now collecting dirt on the ground.

 

He told me, to look at the situation clearly, you fell in love with a girl that we all came to know had domestic violence issues between her parents in the past. You fell in love with a girl that was yanked for reasons unknown out of the 2nd grade and never allowed to return to school, you fell in love with a girl who's parents would not allow their daughter to get professional help for her problems, you fell in love with a girl that admittedly reported being a teenage cutter and damaging her vaginal area, you fell in love with a girl who's life was allowed to be lived in a bedroom, you fell in love with a person who never was allowed to develop good social skills, namely because being yanked out of school, you fell in love with someone who never was allowed to handle their own money and make choices with their own money, Daddy was always in control. The student can only be as good as the teacher!

 

He told me that my ex-fiance was the student, and her parents were the teacher! Due to the fact that the teachers allowed my ex-faince to be exposed to all the domestic stuff between her parents, the verbal abuse her parents subjected my ex-fiance to, the physical abuse they subjected my ex-fiance to, the possible sexual abuse her Father subjected her to, her parents allowing her to live an isolated life in a bedroom, her Father's alcoholism that your ex-fiance was exposed to, the "battered wife complex" she witnessed with her Mother, the fact that she was never learned the importance of money matters or money management, he told me all these things were taught to her, by who, her teachers!

 

So I was told that at the end of the day, your ex-fiance was only as strong and as good as what she learned growing up! She was exposed to some pretty nasty things that would make just about anyone be like how she is now, so I was told, don't blame the student here, no, blame the teacher! He told me you weren't fighting her and her alone, nope, you were also fighting everything wrong that her parents taught her when trying to keep your relationship alive. He told me that from what he's heard, that she did several key things that a person of her caliber couldn't do or think of on her own, he told me that she had outside help, and he suspects all that outside help came from what she was exposed to as a child and teenager all the way up to being 26 years old, and he told while I was with her, she was still doing things that a person of her limited mental and physical means couldn't think of doing on her own, she had help, and he told me that help was her parents.

 

He told me your going to have to let it go Son, for once your going to have to let your ex-fiance off the hook of blame, and put her parents, and her parents alone on that hook, hold them responsible for making the choice of how their daughter was raised and how she would turn out. He told me that yeah, she hurt us all, himself included, but as time has gone by, he has allowed my ex-faince the luxury of being off my Father's "hook of blame" and now calls foul on her parents! He told me that I have to learn to do the same, let her off the hook, she turned out to be someone that wasn't really by her own design, she was programmed and designed to be who she is now by her parents. Yeah Aaron, she totally fits that label of sociopath you slapped on her, but remember, she didn't get that fancy label on her own, she had help, and her parents for the most part are to blame for her learning to be that way!

 

So in the end, Dad is telling me to once and for all to drop it, let it all go, turn my back on it, and walk away! He told me to learn from this, gain strength from it, apply what you have learned towards my next relationship, look out for the warning signs next time, if you see them do something about them, don't rush into love blind next time, don't hook up with anyone you meet on-line, for it isn't only men out there who can be on-line predators, females and their family's can be them as well. ect. ect. ect.

 

So I guess I got my "Daddy 101" lesson of the day! In the end he's right, no matter how much I want to vilify my ex, no matter how much I want to slap the blame on my ex, ect. ect. ect. No matter what I want to do as far as holding her feet to the flames on this, he's right, I got to let it go! He told me that now a day's when I comes to thinking about my ex, he now isn't very angry about things, he told me that he really now feels very sorry for her, he say's it's very sad and tragic that by parents choices and actions that a parent would allow their kid to turn out like my ex, and he told me the most horrific fact here, is that her parents don't even know what they did to their Daughter, they don't even have a clue that most of her life's problems and troubles stem from them, they are clueless due to their dysfunctional sickness to even think for one minute that she is what she is because of them. Sad part is he say's, they all think the sickness they live in is totally a normal thing, sad!

 

Again he said......"the student is only as good as the teacher"......let it go Son, let it go!

Edited October 26, 2014 by AaronSG

[blackcat777]

I really appreciate the depth to which you share your thoughts and experiences, your posts have always helped me process my own issues.

 

I had a similar realization this morning. My ex handled the situation badly... extremely disrespectfully... but he did the best with what he had (limited life experiences and screwed up parental dynamic). I was feeling so angry yesterday, but then, today, I just thought about it like that.

 

It really is better when you can get to the point of forgiving someone for yourself, I know my emotions kept me in the way of comprehending that. The more you can understand and empathize with a person, I think the easier it becomes to forgive them because... people do what they know, they do what they've been shown. No one taught them differently.

 

I hope he learned something from me. :\

 

My pre-breakup self (it feels to good hear myself having those thoughts again!) would tell a friend in the same situation as me right now that nothing is truly a loss if you can learn from it.