gypsy25 Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 I've been w/ my boyfriend for almost 10 months now and there are some things that really get on my nerves with him and I'm wondering if it's just a "guy" thing in general or if I have a right to be annoyed. The #1 thing that gets on my nerves is that everything seems to be on his terms when it comes to seeing one another and phone calls. For almost the entire 10 months he has been the one to initiate our getting together. The reason is that I learned early on not to even try asking him to hang out. He gets almost annoyed it seems that I would even ask. Like tonight for instance. We almost always hang out on weekends, like Fri-Sun. He at my place or me at his. This week we were together mon, tues, and thurs and when I woke up at his place this morning he said to me as he was leaving for work "I'll talk to you tonight" So I interpreted this as we were gonna be hanging out or atleast expect a phone call. So 9:00 PM rolls around and he hasn't called. He works 14 hour days so I know he gets exausted but if he says he's gonna call I think he needs to, it's just common courtesy ya know? So I called him just to ask how his day was and be nice and he was really really distant and wasn't really talking and I was like "Is everything ok? and he said yeah but he was reading and it was hard to talk to me at the same time. So I was like "Alright well I'll talk to you later" and that was that. I was really upset because I NEVER call him to just talk or anything because everytime I do, this happens. But when he calls me he's in a terrific mood and talkative, wants me all to himself and expects me to drop everything to come over and be with him. I mean he sometimes gets angry if I don't answer my phone right away and he has to leave a message. It's gotten to the point where I don't ever want to call him again because I always end up feeling rejected and hurt and needy when I do. What is this all about and do I have a right to be angry?? Thanks in advance.
tokyo Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Why don't you talk with him about this????? I see your point and understand that it irritates you, but I don't understand how you can bottle this up for 10 months without trying to talk to him.
fundamental Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 It seems like he is the one that likes to call you. Maybe he feels that you are taking power away from him when you call him. I used like to be the caller because when I made the call, I knew I wasn't busy at the time. In this case, he is being selfish. He thinks he can call you anytime. Next time he calls, don't drop everything you are doing just to talk to him. You can have your own life too....hobbies, etc.
SoleMate Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 I'd sure be angry if I felt my supposed bf was not making time for me and not treating me like a priority in his life. Seems like the r/s is on his terms, and you just take whatever he dishes out. His convenience and preferences matter - yours don't. It might be time to check what you're getting out of this r/s, and whether it is perhaps time to call a halt.
CurlyIam Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Don't over analyse it. My bf does the same thing. not to this extend, but he would sometimes leave me hanging whn we're on IM, or would say he'd call and doesn't. And when I do it, it's the end of the world to him. Just guys, you know? you have not only to talk to him, but you have to take action. Like put him in different situations and make him GET IT. Honestely. I've talked and talked and talked to my bf and untill I left him hanging 2 nights in a row he didn't get it. Cheers, it's not the end of the world. Just guys, you know? Curly
Merin Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 LOL My BF does this as well... AND yeah he gets kind of pissed off if I don't answer my phone when he calls.. I've called him on this a couple of times when it was just obvious know what I mean.. when he had not given me the impression he would call but had right out said he would then didn't. What worked for me was putting it to him in a way he could understand and relate too... I told him that I know for real he would NEVER blow one of his boys off because they are FRIENDS.. then I said that yeah while I'm his GF and not just his friend, that putting that aside for a moment I am still his FRIEND FIRST.. followed up with I don't sh*t on my friends or blow them off and I know YOU don't either right? Wow.. a light clicked on LOL I don't sh*t on my bf because he is more to me than a romantic relationship... I have his back like that, and I expect he have mine the same way. I do agree with Curly that a lot of times I do think it's just a guy thing... but regardless yeah... let him know this isn't okay with you and why... don't get pissed when your talking to him or over emotional about things... just point out it's common courtesy that you give to him and you would like that returned. Good Luck
nocallstonight Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 I thought I had written the post and couldn't remember because what you describe is exactly exactly exactly my situation with my boyfriend. He is the one who calls on his own terms and when I call he either doesn't answer or else sounds like I am bothering him. Lately he says he'll cal either in his emails or when we are leaving after getting together. Not only does he end up not calling, but it is strange that he has started this whole thing of telling me that he will. From past experiences, I am too scared to call because I know he is the one who only can call me so I stay home waiting all night for him to call. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't and it hurts.
Merin Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Originally posted by nocallstonight I thought I had written the post and couldn't remember because what you describe is exactly exactly exactly my situation with my boyfriend. He is the one who calls on his own terms and when I call he either doesn't answer or else sounds like I am bothering him. Lately he says he'll cal either in his emails or when we are leaving after getting together. Not only does he end up not calling, but it is strange that he has started this whole thing of telling me that he will. From past experiences, I am too scared to call because I know he is the one who only can call me so I stay home waiting all night for him to call. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't and it hurts. What?! He's the ONLY one who CAN call? Don't stay at home at night waiting for him to call you... set limits here... if he says he will call by 7 and 730 rolls around without a call, then make other plans and go out without him.
Mary3 Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 This sounds very typical that you are in the *Booty Call Category*. When he only calls you on the *weekend* and you end up having sex and then you both go back to your own places and he decides when to call, when to meet, this puts you in Category 4 - Booty Call. Meaning he is making himself available to you for sex on his own terms. ( Of course this is all based on the fact that you are in an intimate relationship with him ) You may disagree but I think that its good when you don't have him calling you or seeing you that works on YOUR terms but only on HIS terms. Try NOT being available for a few weeks , no contact or visits and see what happens. Then when you get together dont have sex and see what happens...
Mary3 Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 You may disagree but I think that its good when you don't have him calling you or seeing I meant to type *not* good when you dont have him calling you or seeing you except only on HIS terms..
Author gypsy25 Posted March 13, 2005 Author Posted March 13, 2005 Thanks for all the responses, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with a boyfriend with these habits. It's so funny, I posted this last night when I had called him and he acted all bothered that I did, and today (saturday) he calls me at like 1:00 in the afternoon from work and I didn't pick up cause I was still annoyed and he left me this long message about how he was thinkin about me and wanted to see what I was doin and whatnot. So I didn't call him back till around 4:30 and I acted somewhat distant and said I was with a friend seeing a movie and he was sooooo attentive. Goodness, it's like the worse I treat him or the more I act like I'm losing my love for him the more he wants me. It's such a game to me. So then, he calls me at around 8:30 tonight just wanting to talk and hear my voice and I didn't answer that call and he calls again at 9:45 and I don't answer cause I wanted to make him see how it felt to be rejected like that. So I finally gave him a call at around 10:30 and said hey and he was still at work (He works in film) and he told me he'd call me tommorow, haha, let's actually see if he will. Goodness, I don't know anymore, I'm still of the thought that I'm not going to call him anymore and just let him call me when he wants to see me, which is almost every night, but yet it still gets on my nerves that I don't have the option of calling him when I want, oh well, I guess that's the way it'll have to be. Thanks for all your great responses by the way =)
tokyo Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 gypsy25, the majority of the people here recommended you to talk with him, because communication is essential in a relationship. Whether you are a booty call or not, I can not tell, but starting to play his game is not going to solve your problem.
Author gypsy25 Posted March 13, 2005 Author Posted March 13, 2005 I suppose I don't know for certain but I think that putting myself in the "booty call" catergory with him would be a little silly considering the fact that he's moving in with me at the end of this month. It's not that I doubt the stability or the true love that I have with him, because I feel it in my heart, it's just this perception I have of him for his constant need to be in control that has been making me scratch my head. It is something that I feel if I bring up will not only confuse the hell out of him (he is a man and I believe that the majority of men truly don't understand the needs of most women, and visa versa, imo, the whole men are from mars scenario) but will most likely cause resentment towards me. I've found that over analysing and thinking too hard about certain behaviors that the majority of men posses never get me anywhere but feeling paranoid and a perception of things that is anything but real. The reason I posted this in the first place was to see if this behavior is common with other posters bf and it resoundingly is and that helps me see that I most likely am going to have to chalk it up to being a "guy thing", which in all honesty makes me feel 100% better about the whole thing.
nocallstonight Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 Merin, you wrote to me: "Don't stay at home at night waiting for him to call you... set limits here... if he says he will call by 7 and 730 rolls around without a call, then make other plans and go out without him." We ALWAYS spend weekends together and sometimes during the week too. On Friday he said he was going out with his friends but would call in the morning when he got up. I waited and waited. At around 2pm I called and he didn't answer and I didn't leave a voicemail but I know he can see I called on his caller ID. By 4:30pm I was so upset I sent an email saying that he said he'd call and wasn't he up by now and that I was getting upset. I did say that if he was busy he could just let me know instead of avoiding me. ISn't that fair enough statements? I have no clue why he didn't call me at all, in the middle of the night I text messaged him to never contact me again and he still hasn't. This is a LTR so it is so baffling. He gets mad if I write those kinds of relationship issues in emails but I get more scared to call at the risk he doesn't want to talk and I feel rejected. Now I don't know if I went about this the right way.(We are not in a booty call style relationship)
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