Is it selfish that my husband never wants to have sex?

October 26, 2014

I don't base it on a man. I was single until I was 32. Lived alone for a long time. Back when I was making more money. I was stupid enough to leave that job after 10 years and never was able to find a stable one after that where I made enough. I just forgot what it was like. Now it's like when he is with me I either feel like he wants to leave and I feel I'm forcing him to be out or he gets very drunk and I get embarrassed. Sometimes people get a big kick out of him and keep giving him more drinks. I try to cut him off but then people just think I'm a wet blanket. If I'm out without him all I do is worry about him. Will he drink too much, will he talk to another girl, are the dogs ok. I can't win.

Edited October 26, 2014 by adrian77

October 26, 2014

You can't make him change.

If you're unhappy with him, divorce knowing he's not likely to change.

October 26, 2014

Is he suffering from depression? Has he ever had erectile disfuction?

In any case, if he's always had a low sex drive. There's no sense in staying in a marriage where you're miserable.

October 26, 2014

Right now before anything else - work on you. Job, education/training classes, exercise, exercise classes, social activities, hobbies, reading, going out to events, maybe some therapy on your self esteem (try a very honest male therapist) ..maybe all of this. Really take it up a notch or two, and less focus or attention on your husband - honestly just start ignoring him and no begging for sex. Alpha Female time.

This may make your husband take notice - this new you, less dependent, strong....and if not in a year or so, you are ready for your new life without him.

Edited October 26, 2014 by dichotomy

October 26, 2014

Far as finding a new man its do able your only in your late 30s from the sound of it better now then waist another 10-15 years in a bad marriage no? ok your a little on the plus side? they have plus size dating sites besides 30 pounds is easily lost with a little work..

But you have to be happy in life to want to better yourself first. It def sounds like he has a internet addiction what dose he do on line gambling gaming? what ever it is hes using it as a replacement for reality cause for what ever reason hes checked out of your home life.

So in essence you are now single anyways its just you are still bound to him legally and it sounds in your case morally why do you want that? its not a relashionship anymore OP its a arrangement and a really strained toxic one at that...

Take your dog and go back home (it cant be worse then you have now) until you can get on your feet. Ether that or wait until you get a new job and then move out into a small place of your own..Yeah im not even going to overly get into the drinking as im sure you must realize hes an alcoholic no? thats never a winning situation.

October 26, 2014

He drinks about 2 750 ML bottles of either vodka or whisky a week. Usually finishes 1 bottle in 2 days. People who drink a lot tell me that's not a lot but I think it is? Sometimes he will get a 12 pack of beer instead and finish that in 2 days but lately it's been hard alcohol. He will sometimes go a week without it and sometimes tell me he wants to stop drinking and will go a month or more but as soon as he has any stress it's right back to it. I tell him how much it upsets me but he won't stop. He does tell me he loves me all the time and if I get mad and ignore him he can't handle it and starts to apologize etc but that doesn't last long. We do go to restaurants together, movies sometimes and we are good friends in the fact I tell him everything (he doesn't listen much when he is gaming) but we do have good conversation when at a restaurant and I feel very comfortable with him but is that enough? I'll be 40 in a few weeks I feel I'm too old to start over.

October 26, 2014

He drinks about 2 750 ML bottles of either vodka or whisky a week. Usually finishes 1 bottle in 2 days. People who drink a lot tell me that's not a lot but I think it is? Sometimes he will get a 12 pack of beer instead and finish that in 2 days but lately it's been hard alcohol. He will sometimes go a week without it and sometimes tell me he wants to stop drinking and will go a month or more but as soon as he has any stress it's right back to it. I tell him how much it upsets me but he won't stop. He does tell me he loves me all the time and if I get mad and ignore him he can't handle it and starts to apologize etc but that doesn't last long. We do go to restaurants together, movies sometimes and we are good friends in the fact I tell him everything (he doesn't listen much when he is gaming) but we do have good conversation when at a restaurant and I feel very comfortable with him but is that enough? I'll be 40 in a few weeks I feel I'm too old to start over.

Your making excuses for his poor behavior and yes for most people I would think thats alot of alcohol especially hard liquor? most average healthy social drinkers don't drink that much that said of course others who also drink like that wont think its so bad ether what are they going to say yes were alcoholics and we just don't care?

If you came here and posted this on this message board you know things are not right and you know its not enough your not to old at all many people don't even find real love until later in life these days..

October 26, 2014

I don't base it on a man. I was single until I was 32. Lived alone for a long time. Back when I was making more money. I was stupid enough to leave that job after 10 years and never was able to find a stable one after that where I made enough. I just forgot what it was like. Now it's like when he is with me I either feel like he wants to leave and I feel I'm forcing him to be out or he gets very drunk and I get embarrassed. Sometimes people get a big kick out of him and keep giving him more drinks. I try to cut him off but then people just think I'm a wet blanket. If I'm out without him all I do is worry about him. Will he drink too much, will he talk to another girl, are the dogs ok. I can't win.

I think your Husband is addicted to Porn. For one, ED and PE are caused by excessive porn abuse, and he is always on his PC so it's right their at his finger tips. This would also explain why he doesn't have a 'sex drive'!

I think you should find a job and save. Save until you have enough to move out. Then start going out to bars, and men will hit on you... trust me... no matter what you look like eventually a guy will approach you...

I always want sex with my wife, and the guy is being stupid. He has a wife with a nice sex drive and he's not taking advantage of it. Usually it's the other way around... dude is completely lost.

Drinking is just one way of him numbing his mind from the problems he has, yet he doesn't know it causes more problems. So sad, and such a waste of life.

Anyway, you can do this, and it's never to late to make big changes in your life.

October 26, 2014

I'll be 40 in a few weeks I feel I'm too old to start over.

40 is way too young to give up on creating a life you enjoy. If you break away from this man who is dragging you down and take good care of yourself, you'll likely feel much younger.

October 26, 2014

Old at 40? Seriously?? If you met someone else in 5 yrs, married, and lived to 80, you'd be married to that person for 35 yrs. My sister recently read about a couple who were in their 90's when they married. You see, possibilities are always there until you draw your last breath.

I'm 55 and single and much prefer that to being miserable in a marriage any day of the week. I have not lost hope that I'll meet a nice guy someday, nor will I ever lose that hope. Does my life revolve around that hope? No. I live my life as best I can, plan for my future and financial security and see what life has in store for me. It sure beats being with any of my exes. As long as I have hope and opportunity, then anything is possible. When you're married to the wrong person, those possibilities are basically cut off.

But, yeah, you're right. You're too old and it's too much of a gamble to attempt to make your life better. You should stay with this alcoholic child because that's the safest path. You'll be miserable for the next 40 years or so, but what's a little misery when the alternative might mean living on your own with no guarantees about your future. And, you never know, you might get lucky and he'll kill himself with alcohol. By then, you might be around 50 or 60 and finding yourself having to start over then.

Call me silly, but it seems that leaving your life in this man's hands is a gamble no matter how you slice it.

October 26, 2014

He drinks about 2 750 ML bottles of either vodka or whisky a week. Usually finishes 1 bottle in 2 days. People who drink a lot tell me that's not a lot but I think it is?

Enable much????

you've grown up and lived around alcoholics haven't you? you think their behavior is normal and that their opinions count.

Skunks don't think skunks stink. Pigs don't think pigs are dirty.

And alcoholics don't think alcoholics drink too much.

He is an alcoholics and his drinking impairs his ability to think, feel, respond and function as a normal, healthy, sober person does. Drunkards brains don't work right so It doesn't matter if other drunkards don't think he drinks too much or not.

October 26, 2014

I'll be 40 in a few weeks I feel I'm too old to start over.

You don't have a life now. Anything you do will be a step up and a new beginning.

October 26, 2014

I know he is a functioning alcoholic. My friends have divorced husbands that cheated, called them horrible names etc but they always had a lot of sex with them. My husband never puts me down or cheated (that I know of) he just isn't into me and likes to just be by himself in gaming land. I've definitely told him how I feel and he might try and change for a few hours but it never lasts. Sometimes when I get really mad and just ask him to not drink or do a little exercise he just says he doesn't plan on living past 50. (He is 42). My friends and family say don't divorce him just make a life for yourself. That's hard if I'm always worrying or not trusting him. Is the alcohol why he is a compulsive liar as well?

October 26, 2014

I know he is a functioning alcoholic. My friends have divorced husbands that cheated, called them horrible names etc but they always had a lot of sex with them. My husband never puts me down or cheated (that I know of) he just isn't into me and likes to just be by himself in gaming land. I've definitely told him how I feel and he might try and change for a few hours but it never lasts. Sometimes when I get really mad and just ask him to not drink or do a little exercise he just says he doesn't plan on living past 50. (He is 42). My friends and family say don't divorce him just make a life for yourself. That's hard if I'm always worrying or not trusting him. Is the alcohol why he is a compulsive liar as well?

Does it really matter why? You seem to think that if you can figure out why he does what he does, why he acts as he does, etc., that it will explain everything or that it makes the situation fixable.

He's broken. End of story.

I used to be married to an abusive man who was also a drama king. I used to constantly wonder what I could do to make things better. If I did this or that, if I said this or said that, if I were a better wife, if I were a worse wife, if I were complacent, if I fought back. Not one thing I did changed a single thing. He was who he was. HE DID WHAT HE DID BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. He will do that until the day he dies, and so will your husband.

Either accept him as he is or walk away. Stop trying to figure him out because that's what's keeping you stuck in this endless loop. Stop trying to second-guess him and stop worrying about whether he'll cheat or not. If he drinks like he does and goes to bars, then I can pretty much guarantee you that he will cheat someday. And when he does, you'll be heartbroken but will say that it was the alcohol that made him do it.

My question to you is: when will YOU stop the madness? Not him, you.

October 26, 2014

He never goes to bars. Doesn't go anywhere unless it's with me alone and occasionally with my friends if I force him. And I am not sure why some get so rude towards me here.

October 26, 2014

And I am not sure why some get so rude towards me here.

I am sorry you feel like it is rudeness.

For many of us, it is Tough Love in wanting to try and break through a litany of excuses and rationale.

You came here for help and I believe it is because deep down, you KNOW you are in a dysfunctional relationship and are trying to gain the strength to do what you know needs to be done: End The Relationship because you are afraid of the alternative.

If you are complacent and content with a sexless - and sounds like, abusive - marriage, than by all means, continue.

But there have been many great suggestions here on how to start the process to change your life and you seem dismissive to all those heartfelt suggestions.

What more do you want from us?

October 26, 2014

You can't fix him. You need to decide if you want to live this life with him, because this is all he's able to offer.

If you stay, realize that you are choosing this life, just as he chooses alcohol. You can sit and wonder why he chooses alcohol, but we similarly wonder why you choose life with an alcoholic. In both cases, there is a sense of comfort gained by the behavior. Change is scary and hard, but so worth it.

October 26, 2014

I'm not dismissing then just giving more detail of what I go through. Is my relationship considered abusive? He never hits, calls me names, expects me to do anything for him. I can come and go as I please. That's not an excuse but I think it would be more neglect than abuse?

October 26, 2014

Is my relationship considered abusive?

Abuse comes in many forms and being ignored by one's Life Partner can be abusive to one's personal well-being.

October 26, 2014

I know he is a functioning alcoholic. My friends have divorced husbands that cheated, called them horrible names etc but they always had a lot of sex with them. My husband never puts me down or cheated (that I know of) he just isn't into me and likes to just be by himself in gaming land. I've definitely told him how I feel and he might try and change for a few hours but it never lasts. Sometimes when I get really mad and just ask him to not drink or do a little exercise he just says he doesn't plan on living past 50. (He is 42). My friends and family say don't divorce him just make a life for yourself. That's hard if I'm always worrying or not trusting him. Is the alcohol why he is a compulsive liar as well?

are your friends and family drunkards or codependents too? If they are, then they are looking out for the needs of their drunken peer and are not looking out for your best interests. they want you to stay with him to keep him alive and don't care that you are wasting your life with a waste of good oxygen.

The fact is he is like a two ton weight that you have to drag around and hold you back. He is toxic. He is tainting your life. He is a toxin that is making your life worse than if he wasn't in it at all. He costs you more than he provides. He is a liability. He is a negative asset. I don't how many other ways to say it.

Whether the alcohol is the root of his lies or not is immaterial. He just simply isn't any good. he's a dud. He's a drunk. He's a lier. He's a slacker. He's a lazy bump on the couch. He doesn't provide for any of your wants and needs. He costs you a lot to keep around but doesn't provide any benefits. That is the definition of a parasite. The only treatment for parasites is to remove them.

this is all just words on a website to you now, but one of these days you will wake up and the light will come on and you will see. and that day will be the first day of the rest of your life.

October 26, 2014

It seems very clear (to me) what needs to be done to rectify your situation. Not because I'm any smarter than you, but because I can see it objectively, given that I'm not emotionally invested like you are.

I've read a few of your posts where you talk about the extra 30 pounds you're carrying around. Lose them. Screw those who say you should be happy with yourself regardless of your size - clearly you're not, and it's messing with your self esteem. I'm the same way. Trust me, it is much easier to just lose the weight.

In summer 2013 I too needed to lose 30 pounds. As I write this, I am down 40 pounds, but the extra 10 were just an unexpected bonus. Start cutting calories tomorrow. I'm not talking any fad diet here, just do the math: in order to lose weight you need to burn more calories than you're taking in. Eat light/healthy. Cut out sugary beverages etc.

Begin to introduce more exercise to your life. I cannot express enough how much this will help you in so many more ways than you could even imagine. Join a gym or get involved with some kind of fitness activity. Don't worry about how out of shape you think you are, no one cares. They all respect the fact that you're out there trying. This is a great way to meet new QUALITY people (the kind who don't think complete neglect and borderline alcoholism are cool so long as you're not being hit). And yes, you will meet attractive men, which will make you work that much harder, which will make you look that much better, and they will flirt with you which will make you realize that you are attractive and desirable. And you will start to have self esteem!

If you are currently unemployed, you should also take this time to upgrade your skills however you have to (take some classes if need be) so that you are able to support yourself up the road. Yes, you could likely get alimony if you divorced your husband, but you should ALWAYS be able to support yourself - then you'll never again find yourself stuck in a miserable situation because you don't have any resources. Empower yourself.

In regards to acting out on Facebook, going forward, don't do that again. You are better than that. If you put negativity out in the world then negativity is what you're going to get back. Also remember that potential employers often look at people's Facebook profiles, so you don't want anything out there that could potentially make you look "unbalanced." (Which ties into always being able to support yourself).

Don't beg your husband for attention / sex. He doesn't deserve it, and it just enables him to continue to take you for granted. Focus on YOU and bettering yourself.

Imagine you did what I suggested above and one year has gone by. You will have lost the 30 pounds (any maybe even more!) that hurts your self esteem and you will be in great shape (which means more energy, happiness and a much more positive outlook in life in addition to the physical benefits!). You will have new friends who are fit and not so negative, and yes, married or not, you will have male admirers. You will have a job where you can support yourself and not be reliant on your husband to keep a roof over your head and feed you. You will have self esteem and realize that you have many other options other than your husband.

As for your husband, you just might shock him into action and end up with the marriage you wanted all along. And if you don't, it won't matter because you won't need him anymore.

Focus on YOU, on taking care of you, of bettering you. Regardless of how things work out with your husband, you will never regret it.

Best of luck to you, I really believe you can do this.

October 27, 2014

Well, your husband could be the poster child for why some enter affairs. From what you have described, he is abusing you by his behavior and refusing to gouge a crap about your needs. Unless he has some real mental problems he is too young not to want sex. And while the alcohol can cause problems people who drink too much still want sex.

You are convinced he is not having an affair I guess, and you are convinced he is not addicted to porn. But until you get to the root cause it will continue.

First, you will feel better about yourself if you lose some weight, so while you are looking for a job start exercising. If you feel better about yourself you will be less likely to put up with this simply because you are afraid you will not find someone else. And he might get his head out of his ass and notice.

October 27, 2014

I'm not dismissing then just giving more detail of what I go through. Is my relationship considered abusive? He never hits, calls me names, expects me to do anything for him. I can come and go as I please. That's not an excuse but I think it would be more neglect than abuse?

If you never have sex, you're not husband and wife, you're roommates.

October 27, 2014

We do have sex at least once a month. Sometimes once every 2 weeks or once a week it depends. But it's always me continuing to ask. And I do exercise. I've exercise between 30 and 60 minutes for almost 15 years. It's all about food. Food is 80% of the battle anyway. I have in the past lost weight but it didn't make a difference.

October 27, 2014

I think your Husband is addicted to Porn. For one, ED and PE are caused by excessive porn abuse, and he is always on his PC so it's right their at his finger tips. This would also explain why he doesn't have a 'sex drive'!

I think you should find a job and save. Save until you have enough to move out. Then start going out to bars, and men will hit on you... trust me... no matter what you look like eventually a guy will approach you...

I always want sex with my wife, and the guy is being stupid. He has a wife with a nice sex drive and he's not taking advantage of it. Usually it's the other way around... dude is completely lost.

Drinking is just one way of him numbing his mind from the problems he has, yet he doesn't know it causes more problems. So sad, and such a waste of life.

Anyway, you can do this, and it's never to late to make big changes in your life.

As I read your initial post I too thought addiction to porn. Yes a twelve pack every 2 days or a 750 ml bottle of hard liquor every two days is a lot of alcohol.

I was married to an addict as well. Marriage takes a lot of work, marriage to an addict takes even more.

Perhaps a first step for him is to admit he has an addiction problem and find a support group to help with with that?

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Is it selfish that my husband never wants to have sex?

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