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How do you move on when your ex is now dating the one he cheated with? (Updated)

sammiexo

By sammiexo
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sammiexo Member

sammiexo

Posted
Posted

I am struggling quite a bit with this. BF (32yrs) and i were dating 10 years and he cheated on me with his co-worker (24 yrs old), who was in a relationship of 4 years. I'll spare a crap load of details but basically after the affair came out her bf dumped her, my ex and I split, and even though he kept reaching out to me all the time he was seeing/sleeping with her. Now our contact is almost non-existant but it kills me knowing that he is pretty much dating her now while *her* ex is dating someone new. And I am alone. I'll attribute this to her ex being 22 and in college and that's why it was easy for him to move on but still..I am 28 and I feel utterly hopeless. I really loved my ex and idk why it is so hard for me still, 4 months later. I really hope time heals but I don't see an end to my pain and depression, honestly. :(

Justaguy30 Established Member

Justaguy30

Posted
Posted

Its hard because you cared about him a lot. When you love someone those feelings don't just go away in a day or a week or a month. A lot of times love last a lifetime and if you loved someone that much of course it is going to take a long time to get over. As for the situation, my ex did the same thing. Cheated on me with a younger co worker and they are together now or something. I think its hard because its even more disrespectful that she was doing it before and after work sneaking around with someone she worked with. That is how I felt. Anyhow he is a low life for dating a girl almost 10 years younger and I think screwing people you work with is kinda lame too. He sounds like a loser and I am sure you can do better. 28 is not that old at all. You just need to work on healing from this so that you can be available to other men and trust me there are tons of guys that would love to have you in their lives, you just can't see that right now because you are in so much pain. You should consider therapy and maybe meds to give you a running start at something new and excited!

  • Like 3
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

sammiexo,

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there and it isn't a good place to be.

 

As for the situation, my ex did the same thing. Cheated on me with a younger co worker and they are together now

 

^^^ this happened to me too, seems like it's very common...:rolleyes:

 

You just need to work on healing from this so that you can be available to other men and trust me there are tons of guys that would love to have you in their lives, you just can't see that right now because you are in so much pain.

 

^^^^ This is excellent advice from justaguy30

 

I know it's tough but try and think of "rejection" as "redirection" - to something better.

 

Good luck x

  • Like 1
Poppyolive Established Member

Poppyolive

Posted
Posted

You're only four months through. I'm sure it will take time. Take good care of yourself, when you're ready, I know there will be a great man who will cross your path.

 

Your concern now, is you. Not the ex, the girl or the boy ....you.

 

Stay strong.

  • Like 2
dclan Established Member

dclan

Posted
Posted (edited)
I am struggling quite a bit with this. BF (32yrs) and i were dating 10 years and he cheated on me with his co-worker (24 yrs old), who was in a relationship of 4 years. I'll spare a crap load of details but basically after the affair came out her bf dumped her, my ex and I split, and even though he kept reaching out to me all the time he was seeing/sleeping with her. Now our contact is almost non-existant but it kills me knowing that he is pretty much dating her now while *her* ex is dating someone new. And I am alone. I'll attribute this to her ex being 22 and in college and that's why it was easy for him to move on but still..I am 28 and I feel utterly hopeless. I really loved my ex and idk why it is so hard for me still, 4 months later. I really hope time heals but I don't see an end to my pain and depression, honestly. :(

 

I think you should move on, he showed his true colors.

 

That being said, I'll give you some comfort. Because at this moment, what hurts is the fact that not only he behaved like scum (by cheating on you), but he is now..."happy" while you are miserable. Seems unfair to you.

 

But trust me...that relationship will not last long. Relationships that start as affairs, almost NEVER make it. Specially ones like this....

 

Check out all the things they have against them:

 

 

  • They are both cheaters, they know each other cheated, so they probable won't be able to trust each other.

 

  • Relationships with co-workers seem awsome when they are kept a secret, but as soon as it is out, lots of problems arise.

 

  • There is a 10 year age gap...it may not seem like much at first, but they are both in different stages of life (she is "fun" stage, he in "serious" stage).

 

  • One or both of them might end up missing their ex's.

 

  • Then is the general incompatibilities they might discover.

 

 

So like I said...best case scenario they date a few months and one of them ends up breaking the other's heart.

 

 

NOW listen veeeeeery carefully.

 

The list of things I gave you, was not meant to give you hope that you two will be together in the future.

 

The truth is that your ex, was a scumbag that cheated. Not only cheated, because it wasn't a one time thing (he wasn't drunk and made a "mistake").

He slept with her, an was on a secret relationship with her.

 

You do not want to get back with this man.

 

The reason I told you they won't make, is not so you have hope. It's so you KNOW that despite the fact that he seems "happy" now, while you are miserable, despite the fact that he was a jerk, that happines won't last.

 

 

Eventually this will happen:

 

 

- You will manage to move on, you'll meet some nice guy who values you, and be in a nice relationship with this new person. :bunny::)

 

And...

 

- Your ex will get his heart broken when his girlfriend dumps him for either being too old, or because she is bored with him. He will probably have problems at his workplace, when that relationship ends (as it is usual). And he will realise he left a perfectly good 10 year relationship with someone he loved, just for a fling with a silly younger girl. :sick::lmao:

 

 

He will feel bad, alone....and most importantly, like an idiot.

 

So trust me when I tell you, everything seems unfair to you right now. But that will not be the case in a few months.

Edited by dclan
  • Like 7
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

sammiexo,

 

Eventually this will happen:

 

- You will manage to move on, you'll meet some nice guy who values you, and be in a nice relationship with this new person.

 

And...

 

- Your ex will get his heart broken when his girlfriend dumps him for either being too old, or because she is bored with him. He will probably have problems at his workplace, when that relationship ends (as it is usual). And he will realise he left a perfectly good 10 year relationship with someone he loved, just for a fling with a silly younger girl.

 

 

dclan talks a lot of sense.

 

It all seems fine and dandy now when they are 32 & 24 but what happens when they get to 42 &34 when the age difference is beginning to show? and then 52 &44 when he's getting a few wrinkles and can only get it up once a week and she's at her sexual peak? And then, if they make 62 & 52 when she's ready to go out to bars and he's can't go because he can't drink with his blood-pressure medication and then he's falling asleep after the evening meal, then wants to be in bed at 9.00.pm because his arthritis is playing up.

 

Naaah, let them get on with it.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
seekingpeaceinlove Established Member

seekingpeaceinlove

Posted
Posted (edited)

Aw come on, my bf is 10 years older than me but the gap has never been an issue.

 

The main point, OP, is that your ex is scum because he cheated on you. Would it have hurt less if he was with a woman 10 years older vs 10 years younger? No. Your bf betrayed you. He broke your trust and your heart. His actions tell you everything you need to know about HIS character...not yours. Your ex and his gf are cheaters and liars. They absolutely deserve each other. You, on the other hand, deserve better.

 

It's only been 4 months for you so this is still fresh. Focus on moving forward and healing. It will take time but be patient with yourself and love yourself...Use the anger you have to fuel yourself in life with new endeavors and use this opportunity to grow.

 

(BIG HUGS)

Edited by seekingpeaceinlove
  • Like 2
lostsoul6486 Established Member

lostsoul6486

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My ex is also dating the person she cheated on me with and it's really hard. Like you, I really loved my ex and those feelings have not quite gone away as much as I like to tell myself that they have. I know it's hard, but something that has really helped me is thinking of things rationally. Chances are that you were miserable before he even cheated on you. I look back at my relationship now and I realize that my ex changed a lot during the course of it and I was becoming unhappy even though I didn't realize it. I loved her so much that I didn't care that I was getting a little more miserable with each passing day. Love does that sometimes. It blinds people. I don't know for sure because I wasn't there, but I would be willing to bet that he started pushing you aside as soon as this new woman entered his life and you felt his change in behavior well before you found out he was cheating.

 

When you feel sad, think of it in terms of what you lost versus what he lost. You lost a man who even though he SAID he loved you, he didn't SHOW it with his actions. You lost a liar and a cheater. He lost a woman who loved him unconditionally. He lost something that many people don't ever even find in their lifetimes. You'll find someone new who deserves you when the time comes. Don't force yourself into anything because you think these other people are happy. Work on yourself and be happy with who you are first. The funny thing about finding someone special is that they usually come around when you stop looking.

  • Like 3
OwMyEyeball Established Member

OwMyEyeball

Posted
Posted

This will sound callous. Not the intention. I call it tough love, because I do genuinely want to give advice that will help you feel better about yourself and your future:

 

Stop thinking about him. Cut out any and all reminders of him you may have. That can be very tough for such a long-term relationship. They're all around, but at least minimize what you can. Even re-arranging your bedroom and changing the bedspread can bring some solace.

 

Train your mind to eject those thoughts. When that fails or you feel it wavering, move into healthy distraction. Art, books, film, TV, exercise, hobbies, socializing and so on.

 

Meditation is one very broad approach that you can explore and narrow down. But don't continually dabble in one or the other. Do your own research, experiment a bit then stick to the one school of practice that best suits.

 

Engaging in activities that externalize you and bring you into the position of helping others with their own problems can help to remove you from your own.

 

When the pain does come, which it will for all heartbreak, feel it out. Just feel it. In a way, that's what some schools of meditation teach. Experience your pain, but don't identify with it. Observe the pain, feel the pain, but don't make it a part of your self.

 

You will come to a very empowering realization: You and only you are the arbiter of your emotional state. While emotions may come and go, you have the ability to decide which ones you embrace and which ones you turn away.

 

Best wishes

  • Like 5
darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

Posted
Posted

one day you will wake to realize you have not thought about him in ages, early days yet, try hot chocolate drinks to calm you atmo

 

sooner or later, the memory starts to fade, all memories do

  • Like 3
dclan Established Member

dclan

Posted
Posted

I think the biggest problem in this situations, is that you feel like your ex is doing better than you and is happy. Which seems truly unfair because you are feeling devastated.

 

We tend to think about our ex's new relationship, and we believe it to be great, and much better than the relationship they had with us.

 

We think that: they never fight, they get along well, they are in love, the new girlfriend is awsome, he is the perfect boyfriend to her, they share all their hobbies, all their friends and family love the new relationship, they are thinking about having kids and marriage, they have no problems at all!!

 

And the truth is that, most of the times, its not really like this. The new relationship will have lots of problems, just like every other relationship out there.

 

In this case, its possible the new relationship will have even more problems, given the circumstances I mentioned in my previous post (age gap, work relationship, emotional baggage, etc.)

 

Aw come on, my bf is 10 years older than me but the gap has never been an issue.

 

Its not about the age gap itself. Its more about people being in different stages of life and what they may want out of a relationship. A person in his early 20's usually wants different things than a person in his early 30's ---

 

Some times it works, most of the times it doesn't.

  • Like 1
lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

Posted
Posted

This happened to me about 2 years ago. I was dating a girl for about a year in college, and she was ALL about me (saying "I love you," talking about a future together, all of that). Then, the relationship slipped. I just assumed that's what happened -- we were done with our Honeymoon Phase. But it seemed to me that she was sort of dragging me along. I started questioning her fidelity when one night she seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth. No one knew where she went. I asked her about it the next day, I got one story, then about 2-3 hours later, a completely different story. She denied it.

 

About 2 weeks after we broke up, I saw her making out with the culprit -- a friend of mine! (Not close friends, but a friend).

 

I punched the wall, almost broke my hand. Only my roommates saw me hit a low point.

 

What I did was talk to a counselor, and made a LOT of lists. Everything that was awful about her, why she sucked, why the sex sucked, just list after list after list and realized that she had a LOT of flaws that I overlooked when I had her on her pedestal.

 

Then, I decided to get off the bottle. I stopped drinking alcohol for about a month. I went to the gym, I did EVERYTHING I could to stay away from her. I took different routes to classes. I avoided hangout spots. I ate exclusively at the one restaurant on campus that I knew she hated. And then, I hung out with my roommates A LOT. Every night we'd watch movies, listen to music, freestyle, whatever. I fell in love with a class I was taking. I would talk to the professor about reading further about the subject matters.

 

Point is, it REALLY REALLY REALLY sucks finding out that your ex is sleeping with someone, let alone DATING the guy she cheated on you with. I've been there. It's not pleasant. You kind of have to shrug your shoulders, accept it, and move on. Just know, another girl WILL pop up that is a million times better than this one. Every girl is better than the last. I promise you that.

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sammiexo Member

sammiexo

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you so much everyone for your words and advice. I appreciate it all <3 Reading people's posts and how they were able to move on after being in similar situations gives me hope despite the enormous amount of pain I'm in right now.

 

NOW listen veeeeeery carefully.

 

The list of things I gave you, was not meant to give you hope that you two will be together in the future.

 

The truth is that your ex, was a scumbag that cheated. Not only cheated, because it wasn't a one time thing (he wasn't drunk and made a "mistake").

He slept with her, an was on a secret relationship with her.

 

You do not want to get back with this man.

 

The reason I told you they won't make, is not so you have hope. It's so you KNOW that despite the fact that he seems "happy" now, while you are miserable, despite the fact that he was a jerk, that happines won't last.

 

Not to worry, i will never get back with him nor do I want to. I was willing to give this relationship one more chance but 4 months later, after all the nasty things he was saying, the nonstop lies, lack of remorse, and the way he berated me basically saying the affair was my fault, he is someone I wouldn't even want to call a friend. He is a horrid human being, I can't believe someone I used to love so much had that in him. I am pretty sure he is a sociopath because he has a lot of the traits.

 

Chances are that you were miserable before he even cheated on you. I don't know for sure because I wasn't there, but I would be willing to bet that he started pushing you aside as soon as this new woman entered his life and you felt his change in behavior well before you found out he was cheating.

 

Absolutely, on both counts. I was posting on here about a year or two before he cheated about how unhappy I was. My "spidey sense" kicked in right around the time he began emotionally cheating/kissed her. Once I looked through his phone and saw the proof and confronted him he still kept on sneaking around behind my back & lying and it eventually cumulated to him having sex with her. Shame on me, right?

 

You lost a man who even though he SAID he loved you, he didn't SHOW it with his actions. You lost a liar and a cheater. He lost a woman who loved him unconditionally. He lost something that many people don't ever even find in their lifetimes.

 

You know what's funny? I could count on one, maybe two hands (that's probably being generous) the number of times he said "I love you" over the 10 years. His excuse was he didn't like saying the words. >.>

changchewsoon Established Member

changchewsoon

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm sorry this happened to you, I would like to share my thoughts as I went through something similar with you.

 

I was with my ex for almost 2 years, towards the last 6 months of our relationship she had been living a double life cheating on me. Of course when I found out, drama followed but at the end I decided to man up and dump her for good after getting myself STD tested.

 

In between, she did everything you could possibly think of, turning on the waterworks, begging, pleading etc. What you need to know is that while she was trying to patch things up with me, she slept with both myself and the other guy and was lying to both sides.

 

She confided partial truth to her best friend, and then told her best friend she wanted both guys, which to me I found it to be a joke and insulting at the same time, and highly comical as well.

 

It is amazing how those cheaters wants to eat their cake huh *LOL*

 

And of course, she painted an entirely different picture to her mum.

 

If she can even lie to her own mother and best friend, I knew exactly this is not the kind of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Now that she knew she had zero chance with me, of course she's left with the other guy so she went on to continue dating him. And the guy knew exactly what was happening, and he still wanted her.

 

So when someone wants your cheating partner, you let them keep him/her. You then walk away with your chin up and you get to keep your dignity, knowing that he/she is no longer your problem and somebody else's.

 

I'll spare you the details with more drama that followed, like how she tried to get my attention and had to resort to bad mouthing, creating stories and lies to my friends hoping it will get back to me and to get a reaction out of me.

 

But ever since I dumped her, the most amazing thing has happened to my life. I am relieved, found new inner peace and I realized even more who are my real friends and family are, people who stepped in to give you support, surround you with positive energy.

 

And without realizing it, my qualify of life was improving tremendously. It made a whole lot of different when you disassociate yourself with negative people.

 

Now I think back, I kiss the ground, thank the heavens for dodging a bullet and so did you.

 

Stay strong!

Edited by changchewsoon
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sammiexo Member

sammiexo

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry this happened to you, I would like to share my thoughts as I went through something similar with you.

 

I was with my ex for almost 2 years, towards the last 6 months of our relationship she had been living a double life cheating on me. Of course when I found out, drama followed but at the end I decided to man up and dump her for good after getting myself STD tested.

 

In between, she did everything you could possibly think of, turning on the waterworks, begging, pleading etc. What you need to know is that while she was trying to patch things up with me, she slept with both myself and the other guy and was lying to both sides.

 

She confided partial truth to her best friend, and then told her best friend she wanted both guys, which to me I found it to be a joke and insulting at the same time, and highly comical as well.

 

It is amazing how those cheaters wants to eat their cake huh *LOL*

 

And of course, she painted an entirely different picture to her mum.

 

If she can even lie to her own mother and best friend, I knew exactly this is not the kind of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Now that she knew she had zero chance with me, of course she's left with the other guy so she went on to continue dating him. And the guy knew exactly what was happening, and he still wanted her.

 

So when someone wants your cheating partner, you let them keep him/her. You then walk away with your chin up and you get to keep your dignity, knowing that he/she is no longer your problem and somebody else's.

 

I'll spare you the details with more drama that followed, like how she tried to get my attention and had to resort to bad mouthing, creating stories and lies to my friends hoping it will get back to me and to get a reaction out of me.

 

But ever since I dumped her, the most amazing thing has happened to my life. I am relieved, found new inner peace and I realized even more who are my real friends and family are, people who stepped in to give you support, surround you with positive energy.

 

And without realizing it, my qualify of life was improving tremendously. It made a whole lot of different when you disassociate yourself with negative people.

 

Now I think back, I kiss the ground, thank the heavens for dodging a bullet and so did you.

 

Stay strong!

 

Thanks man! It's true, people like them deserve one another. He wants to tell me he saw qualities in her that he didn't see in me, well he was right. i am not unfaithful, selfish, a liar, nor do I go after men in relationships. I was 100% committed to him and full of unconditional love. He will never know what he lost in me.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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sammiexo Member

sammiexo

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Anyway, tonight I read his work email (I know, I know :( ) and found out he is looking for apartments with her, in the neighborhood where he and I used to live. Talk about moving fast- it's been like a month or two since they started hooking up again. What the hell. I am totally numb right now. And hating myself for snooping. I am still in NC but am really wanting to chew him out right now.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

Posted
Posted (edited)
This is a prime example of why you don't online snoop.

 

Anyway, tonight I read his work email (I know, I know :( ) and found out he is looking for apartments with her, in the neighborhood where he and I used to live. Talk about moving fast- it's been like a month or two since they started hooking up again. What the hell. I am totally numb right now. And hating myself for snooping. I am still in NC but am really wanting to chew him out right now.

 

You have no right to chew him out. If anything, he should chew you out for invading his privacy. It sucks, but this is what happens when you meddle instead of working to move forward. He sucks for cheating on you, but this wasn't cool on your part.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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IfiKnewThen Established Member

IfiKnewThen

Posted
Posted

hugs. this is a horrible time for u. i know.

 

God help all of us who feel this pain.

 

 

 

((hugs))

cerridwen Established Member

cerridwen

Posted
Posted
You have no right to chew him out. If anything, he should chew you out for invading his privacy. It sucks, but this is what happens when you meddle instead of working to move forward. He sucks for cheating on you, but this wasn't cool on your part.

 

This advice might seem harsh but I agree.

 

A break up is the END to any relationship, despite what lingering feelings one may have.

It's not easy to turn them off--I know this first hand.

But don't lose sight of the fact that once the dissolution happens, your lives are now completely separate--and breaching privacy is terrible form.

 

Let the cheater go. Eyes forward. ;)

SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
Posted

OP,

 

I won't be so harsh on you. I'm in the same boat. About 7 months NC. It would be best if I left well enough alone.

 

I guess part of me monitors what's going on in her life to try and understand how someone could do such a thing. She left me for a guy who is 20 years her senior. It seems that now he's broken things off with her and yet she still longs for him.

 

I do know that I have to stop this. It never leaves me feeling any better.

 

In your case, I think the fact they are moving so fast spells both the dysfunction of the whole thing and that it won't last or end well.

  • 2 weeks later...
sunshine0274 Member

sunshine0274

Posted
Posted

I am going through this right now too! I snooped as well and have found so much stuff that has been beyond hurtful. How amazing this new woman is, how they are planning on having kids together. It has been 3 weeks!! She is an ex from his past, but still, it's like they are strangers, rekindling. She is married and leaving her husband for my ex and we have a 5 month old daughter that he doesn't see while he runs around with her and her 2 kids. It's heartbreaking knowing that they go out and have a grand old time while I am raising an infant and need a babysitter to go do half the things they get away with.

 

 

I asked him how it is attractive for him to be with a woman that runs around on her husband that is so easy to jump in the sack, introduce him to her kids, and disrespect me and he had no answer,

 

 

I only hope they both end up as hurt as I feel but what will it matter? He is gone and she is his shiny new toy.

 

 

I am sorry you feel this pain too. it sucks!

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