How to say no to this date?

[Cristo]

Well, this thread went off on some tangents.

 

It's true that I'm ready to settle down. But I haven't spent my youth fooling around with bad boys, only to now look for a good guy. For most of my adult life, I've been looking for real love and have had serious relationships with men who say they want the same, and behave that way. I've had a few short-lived casual arrangements during a time when I was cynical and low, but those didn't happen till my early 30s, when I already had a string of failed attempts at sincere relationships behind me and was considering maybe I should just throw in the towel.

 

My last boyfriend was the hot alpha guy and rock-solid provider, everything women are looking for. His hard sell toward the end was that he would "take care of me for life," and I know he could have done that well in the financial and practical sense. I was totally in love with him, but he was never in love with me, and I just couldn't feel OK with that. Though he was a catch in just about every way, for me staying with a guy who wasn't in love with me felt like settling, selling myself out.

 

I've had several solid offers from serious, well-established men to take care of me for life. A guy I dated before I met my ex was a doctor with his own medical research company who made good money, managed the investment portfolios for himself and everybody in his family, also very conservative and responsible, not the crazy partying type, a little older than me, average in appearance with a good body, pretty taken with me. I liked him enough but never felt a real draw to him. He also would have been a solid practical choice, but again, I just couldn't do that to myself or to him.

 

I'm not looking for some unsuspecting schmo to take advantage of. I'm looking for a man who loves me, and whom I love, someone with whom I can create a family that we both will love and nurture for the rest of our lives. I'm willing to sacrifice a great deal of practical and material comfort for real love. Like I told my ex, I'd rather live a simple life with a man who really loves me, than have every material thing I could ever want with a king who doesn't love me. Maybe it's not the smart way, but my heart just wouldn't survive in a marriage without real love. I'd probably have some kind of breakdown.

 

My feeling is that this guy is a SummerDreams Type 3: "just wants to have fun, but goes through the movements of dating to get what he wants". I don't think I'm going to meet him. I have a strong feeling that it's not going to go anywhere. I get the impression he would be a smoldering lover and we could have a great sexual connection and probably some fun times. And we'd probably have a strong influence on each other in some important ways, because that happens in all my relationships. But like I said, I'll have plenty of time for that if I fail to find real love in the next few years.

 

Not to play armchair psychologist here (which, of course means that that's exactly what I'll be doing lol), but are you sure that you even want something very serious?

 

It sounds like you're knit-picking every guy. It also sounds like you expect to have Disney-esque sparks all the time and you won't settle for anything less. Fair enough, I guess, but I'm sure that it will be extremely difficult to find (if it even exists).

[CarrieT]

 

My feeling is that this guy is a SummerDreams Type 3: "just wants to have fun, but goes through the movements of dating to get what he wants". I don't think I'm going to meet him. I have a strong feeling that it's not going to go anywhere. I get the impression he would be a smoldering lover and we could have a great sexual connection and probably some fun times. And we'd probably have a strong influence on each other in some important ways, because that happens in all my relationships. But like I said, I'll have plenty of time for that if I fail to find real love in the next few years.

 

Wow. I am *shocked* you would write off a potential guy based on "feelings" and "impressions" without even meeting him In Real Life!

 

What's up with that, Ruby? Rather presumptuous on your part, I think, to not even find out if your "feelings" and "impressions" are true or not!

[Ruby Slippers]

What exactly was wrong with that guy? I hope it's not just because he was average in appearance.

There was nothing wrong with him. But every time we kissed, I felt nothing - almost like I was kissing my brother. I thought he was cute, but there was almost zero carnal attraction. The thought of having sex with him seemed like an emotionless chore. I think the best I could have done with him was to "get used to him", "grow to love him", which didn't seem fair to him. But looking back, maybe he wouldn't have minded that.

 

If I'm really not capable of being happy with a merely comfortable arrangement, is it fair to subject my partner to that? I don't feel that it is.

 

Cristo, I have been told that I'm expecting perfection. I know I'm an idealist and a dreamer and, yes, a perfectionist. I guess now I'm trying to bring my lofty dreams down to the ground. Believe me, I could dream all day about all the fun this guy and I could have. But seriously, when I consider the facts pragmatically, it just doesn't seem like it has real potential. It seems like it would be a repeat of my last relationship, which I don't have time for.

 

For now I'm just ignoring him and hoping he goes away. If he doesn't give up soon, I'll just keep it simple and tell him I get the impression we want different things, and good luck.

[Tayken]

It seems like it would be a repeat of my last relationship, which I don't have time for.

 

And that Mon Ami.....will epitomize you living up to that definition of insanity

 

If I'm really not capable of being happy with a merely comfortable arrangement, is it fair to subject my partner to that?

 

On the contrary

 

I know I'm an idealist and a dreamer and, yes, a perfectionist. I guess now I'm trying to bring my lofty dreams down to the ground.

 

Knowing is half the battle unlike the lot of OLD that haven't got the foggiest of a clue. You should not have to change your requirements to suit someone else'

[Divasu]

My feeling is that this guy is a SummerDreams Type 3: "just wants to have fun, but goes through the movements of dating to get what he wants". I don't think I'm going to meet him. I have a strong feeling that it's not going to go anywhere. I get the impression he would be a smoldering lover and we could have a great sexual connection and probably some fun times. And we'd probably have a strong influence on each other in some important ways, because that happens in all my relationships. But like I said, I'll have plenty of time for that if I fail to find real love in the next few years.

 

Yes Ruby but never estimate the power of falling in love and how it can change people for the better.

 

There are however exceptions to avoid. Someone recently coming out of a serious relationship, someone with an inability to love (insert for whichever reasons that to be true).

 

Having a heart broken is traumatizing and so it's okay to be a wee bit gun shy. Experiencing, however, THIS level of doubt (over someone you've had no real interaction with), well perhaps your best course of action is taking a pass. It is the safe route, naturally.

[FitChick]

You shouldn't discount him just based on looks but I'd find out what he was looking for and how long ago he had his last marriage or serious relationship. Did his career play into the breakup? If he's been divorced quite a while he may be sick of the chase and want to settle down finally. He would have screwed all the hot bimbos he wanted and now wants someone with whom he could have a connection. If he's a workaholic he will only see you when it's convenient for him.

 

Go for a good meal. It will also desensitize you to hot men for future dates once you realize they are all flawed in some way.

 

On a very pessimistic note, he may only date women less attractive than he is because he perceives them as easy.

[spiderowl]

Of course, looking at it from another point of view, if he's that gorgeous he can have his pick of women. If he has chosen to contact you, it's because something about you interests him. It is worth meeting to find out what that is and what kind of guy he really is. Sounds like he hasn't put a foot wrong so far. If you imagined he didn't look so good and thought of the interactions that had been shared between you so far, what would they indicate - that he was a nice guy or what? If your instinct tells you he's an OK sort of person, then give him a chance.

[BluEyeL]

You must in fact be very attractive if you've have gorgeous and/or successful men with options offering to be with you permanently.

 

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly, but you give me the impression that you have very unrealistic expectations about how love looks like. The love of a man is not the same as the love of a woman. A man who offers to take care of you, make you his wife, generally loves you. I don't know what kind of love you expect, it's a man's love, is different than the movies though.

 

I think I remember reading your thread about your ex-bf last year and even then I thought you were exaggerating with him, and sabotaging a good thing. But I hope you find what you're looking for, i.e. the sparks flying all over the place all the time. Usually that's not what love is but....maybe you can find it.

 

About good looking men, I also tend to stay away from them. I don't have nearly as many offers as you seem to have, but the few I've had, I was highly suspicious of and on OLD I didn't reply to them. One I actually dated, but he was like I thought he'd be, reinforcing my stereotyping, wishy-washy and arrogant. I think though that you should have gone out with this guy, I think you're in his league.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's not constant fireworks I'm after. My ex didn't treat me right. He wasn't unbearable, but he was arrogant, very critical and full of biting little comments, controlling. Sometimes when I talked to him about things going on in my life, he made critical comments about all the things I was doing wrong. I didn't feel supported, appreciated, or understood. He pretty much told me he wanted a kept woman who would generally submit to his role as the leader of the household, and many women would be very happy with that. Which was OK in certain ways, but not when he treated me questionably and expected me to just go along with mean treatment.

 

One thing this bachelor #3 did that turned me off was name-drop his car make and model (nice one). He could be lying, he could be bragging, but either way it's weird. It feels like he was trying to entice me with his freakin' car (either real or imagined), which is weird. Like I'm a little girl and he's a stranger with candy.

[denise_xo]

Cristo, I have been told that I'm expecting perfection. I know I'm an idealist and a dreamer and, yes, a perfectionist. I guess now I'm trying to bring my lofty dreams down to the ground. Believe me, I could dream all day about all the fun this guy and I could have. But seriously, when I consider the facts pragmatically, it just doesn't seem like it has real potential. It seems like it would be a repeat of my last relationship, which I don't have time for.

 

Having read your threads over a number of years now, here are my two cents: I think you are very picky, and too detailed, about what you want out of a relationship. Combine that with the kind of assumptions and ideas you build out of little evidence in the OP, you're going to have a hard time settling down with someone.

 

You have written several times that you don't want to 'settle', and that is of course your choice. However, I think all relationships are about settling in some ways. No one is perfect, we are not perfect ourselves. I'm not everything my husband would want, or vice versa - but we know that this isn't achievable. Rather than analysing a person to death, I think it's a better approach to ask something along the lines of 'are we compatible in the five most important areas to us', and 'do we communicate well enough to be able to address future problems together'. That's, IMO, a more realistic point of departure for assessing a potential life long partnership. Hypothetical deliberations about how a guy ranks in beauty relative to yourself really isn't a very good indicator of the potential success of a relationship. And if you actually made it together, your physical attractiveness, both in relative and absolute terms, is likely to fluctuate a fair bit over the next forty years.

 

I'd try to loosen up on the list of criteria you have, and also place a little bit less emphasis on 'love'. I'm not saying that love and sexual attraction aren't important. But those feelings are very fleeting (there are TONS of thread here on LS illustrating that), and those initial tensions and butterflies transform. I'm also not suggesting you should accept 'controlling' and 'unsupportive'. But maybe just take stock of what criteria you have on your list, and consider which of them are really important, which are not, and how many of them you can realistically have fulfilled in one person.

[Imajerk17]

It's not sketchy, it's plain stupidity. In their 20s, men and women are under the illusion they'll live forever so they act like they don't care time passes, they think they have time for having fun and being with people who are not good enough but heck, they are fun to be around. As people grow older and realize they won't live forever, they start wondering if their choices so far have been right and they realize they can't dedicate their lives in having fun. It's called growing up and getting more mature. A clock ticking for women cause this realization to come sooner and to be stricter. Biology makes women want to have babies and search for a male to provide for her and her babies. The fact that in the last 50 years things have started to change doesn't mean we will eliminate biology.

 

A man in my opinion should respect a woman who is honest to admit that she has been stupid in the past partying with immature jerks but now she has grown up and she knows what she wants, and that's a family. It's an honor, in my opinion, if a woman tells a man "I consider you good enough to have babies with you and raise them together". If some men see it as an insult, that they are not desirable or sexual enough, that's their problem and as I said before, just keep on partying with the girls who don't want kids and leave the good girls to be found by mature and good guys. Simple as that.

 

 

 

You call it smart, I call it immature.

 

I feel the need to comment on this. One of the things that get both men AND women in trouble in dating is that they feel the other gender "should" see things the way they do.

 

On the one hand, guys on here can't see why women aren't flattered when a man makes it clear early on how much he wants to sleep with her. After all, these guys would LOVE it if a woman he was attracted to made it clear how much she desired him on the first date. It seems so crazy and unfair to these guys that the one thing that would really flatter and validate them--an attractive someone of the opposite gender expressing clear sexual desire, is something that comes so easy to women and they don't value it. The answer given to these guys is to accept and understand how women don't see it as they do.

 

On the other hand, a few women on here can't see why many a man doesn't like it when she tells him that she had her time partying with immature jerks and now she wants to be with him because she seems him as a guy who would make a good husband and dad. After all, SHE would be overjoyed if a man she was interested in made it clear that he saw her as a great wife and mom unlike all the other tramps this guy hooked up with. Well, shouldn't the answer given to these women be to accept and understand how men don't see it as they do.

 

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Anyway getting back to the OT, Ruby, I am wondering how you were able to ascertain so much about this guy before you even met him. Many a man has no idea how to handle the pre-first-date communication. It does seem silly to be talking life goals with a stranger you haven't even met yet.

 

You have mentioned a few times on here over the years about how your level of attractiveness compares to the guy in question, but thing is, attraction for men is also quite individual. Maybe you were this guy's "10"? I realize this thread is a month old, but something to consider for next time.

Edited November 26, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Eighty_nine]

I've only dated one guy who I felt was clearly more attractive than me, and guess what? I couldn't do it. He made me nervous and it turns out I was just too insecure to feel comfortable in a relationship with him. I think it had more to do with just the disparity in looks (while I'm probably a solid 7 or so, I'd give him a 9 or higher looks-wise), but I felt like it definitely held me back from truly connecting with him. We're still good friends, though.

 

Edited to add, while he's a 9+, I know a lot about his dating history and he generally dates girls who are somewhere in the range of 6-8. (Sorry for silly use of numbers, it's just the easiest way to describe what I'm saying). So I wonder if he's actually more comfortable with women who are a little less attractive than he is. Sometimes I think I'm a little more comfortable with men who are less attractive than I am. Anyone else?

Edited November 26, 2014 by lissvarna