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Have you ever lost a good friend because he/she found a bf/gf

DBryYES

By DBryYES
in General Relationship Discussion

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DBryYES Member

DBryYES

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It seems like recently, everytime my good girl friend( a friend that happens to be a girl that I am not romantically feeling) gets a new boyfriend, they become usually distant and I no longer hear from them as much. The funny thing is I became friends with these girls when they had crappy relationships and they confided with me. They were nice and open to me. I mean the thought crossed my mind of being in relationships with them, but I try to be a good guy and not try to take advantage of them. But once they finally dump the crappy guy, they find a new relationship with a guy who is the complete opposite. I am happy for them, but unfortunately, I kind of fade out of their lives. I am not mad at them and I want them to be happy. But at the same time, it really blows.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Lost? No

 

Misplaced for a short time? Absolutely.

 

Somehow you work together to fit the new romance into your friendship.

Mr Scorpio Established Member

Mr Scorpio

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Sure. Once you get old enough you might find that (1) friends start to get married and have kids and (2) married couples and parents tend to socialize with other married couples and parents.

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

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Yeah. But she was and still is happy with her BF, so it didn't hurt me to "let her go".

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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And, I dumped those "so-called" girlfriends...

 

I have another one who wastes her time chasing them...I don't.

 

Look, I understand that when you're single you have so much time on your hands that you pretty much spend most of your time with friends. And, that when you meet someone, of course that time is gonna get cut cuz they are nurturing their RL with their SO - especially if their SO is a husband/wife.

 

What I don't like is the complete blow-off. I mean, you can't just respond to a simple text?

 

And, now your life "revolves" around your SO? That's pathetic to me. You should have your own interests and friends...that keeps the RL with your SO fresh, gives you both breathing time, allows you and your SO to keep up stuff that are pretty much only enjoyed by the same gender (i.e. women going for manicures, guys having beers over a football game).

 

So yeah, these pathetic so-called friends only look me up when they are fighting with their SO, want to make them jealous by running to the club with me, and/or their SO dumped them.

 

Sad these women have no life, and when they get a SO they make the SO their life, then come running back to you cuz they don't have an SO to lean on when he dumps them.

 

I really believe that you have to be happy with yourself before you get an SO...The SO shouldn't be the all and only thing that makes your life worth living.

 

So, don't feel bad, be glad you are not letting your so-called vampires of a friend come to suck on you when they get dry.

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lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

Posted
Posted
It seems like recently, everytime my good girl friend( a friend that happens to be a girl that I am not romantically feeling) gets a new boyfriend, they become usually distant and I no longer hear from them as much.

 

Generally what happens is that when someone finds a new partner they want to spend most of their time with that person at first. Then they work their friends back into their lives after awhile. It does suck, but time is limited, so when people are under the spell of romance they generally want to spend their time there. See if you can stick out these relationships until the bloom wears off the romance. You can tell the person that you want to keep your friendship going, and you understand what's happening, but want to make sure the relationship doesn't fade away due to inattention, and see if they can be a little more conscious about it.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
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I've definitely lost women while they had a bf and only got them back if they broke up. One was a very close friend I'd done a lot with and lived with a lot and her man was jealous of her even having friends. I thought she was smarter than to let someone control her like that, but apparently not. I was out of state and would see her only once or twice a year and he'd get stinking drunk every time she went and did anything with me and she'd be on edge the whole time and cut the outing short. Then she had kids with him and married him and that was the end of that. She didn't even tell me when she got a divorce because she didn't want to have to admit I had been right about him. I found out from her parents and they actually told me she was probably embarrassed about the divorce. But really? Is that a reason to blow off an really close old friend you'd done a lot of coming of age with?

 

It should be a red flag to any person, male or female, if their bf/gf/spouse resents them having friends. I mean, sure there's some situations like if you have reason to think they're out carousing, but if you think that, why would you stay with them to begin with if you can't trust they want to be with you? It makes no sense. Leave the door open and see if they fly away or not, and then relax.

 

Another friend, younger than me, so I had kind of an older sister role, disappeared on everyone when she got in a chaotic relationship that became somewhat mutually abusive. Then when something bad happened, she came right over, two or three years later. Then when she went back to him, she went off the radar again. Now, they were both acting out inappropriately, so not only blaming him for this. I figured both probably not working enough and too much time to sit around and get in trouble.

 

Thing is these little issues like being unwilling to stand up to a controlling bf or spouse aren't the end of the story. That one culminated a decade later when she picked a different wingnut and allowed him to become the father of her child. He shot himself in the head outside the backdoor after she left him when he was over for a child visit, with her and the kid just on the other side of the door. So I don't like anyone minimizing or justifying why a man might be jealous of friends, etc., because though that doesn't always end in tragedy, it's a big sign the relationship isn't right and shouldn't be continued.

Edited by preraph
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StanMusial Established Member

StanMusial

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People come in and out of our lives. You might not see friends as much or talk to them as much but if they're a real and true friend you can count on them in the long run.

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Dontfindme Established Member

Dontfindme

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My closest friends and I are a group of 4 ( 3 girls, including myself, and 1 guy)

Two of them started dating - so the guy and I are practically strangers now, even though we used to be the closest. The girlfriend got extremely jealous at one point - we were like sisters.

 

We all hang out now, but initially, their relationship caused all of us to split apart, especially me - since she was extremely jealous and controlling. Now that they've been together for like 3 years, it's not too bad. Still working on mending the residual weirdness, and gap.

lyndaaxo Established Member

lyndaaxo

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This happened with my 2 best friends.They're guys and when one got into a relationship he slowly disappeared. At one point we didn't have contact for a year because I got fed up of trying and getting nothing back. Now it's on and off because he's back together with her. My other friend knew this and said he'd never do the same... I've now spoken to him about 3 times in the last 6 months for the same reason.

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acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

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Yes, kinda.

 

I met a guy when I was 14, we became really good friends, and over the following 12 years best friends. I spent Holidays with his family, I lived at his house for a month between apartments when he wasn't even there as I was so close to his family. He lived in other cities for the past six years so we wouldn't hang out as often but I'd always at least a couple times a year try make the trip to stay there or he come back here. We even had 'matching tattoos' (based on a shared interest we both very much believed in and still do), shared ideals and interests, music tastes etc. We kissed once for ten seconds, drunk, aged 15. That's the only romantic contact we've ever had.

 

Anyway a few months ago he went completely off the grid and stopped speaking to me, I wasn't worried at first as we often went weeks without even saying 'hi', I finally got through to him and turns out he has a new gf and has had feelings for me for the entire time we've been friends. He thought I knew and just didn't bring it up because I felt awkward, I HONESTLY had no idea. I knew he had fancied me back as teenagers but was convinced he was totally over it, he said he was.

 

He said the only way that he can try and make this relationship work and get over me is to try no contact cos he has tried absolutely everything else to stop thinking of me in that way. It makes sense to me. It's the only way I've ever gotten over exes. But man, it hurts, the guy is like my brother. I would have sworn on my life we were 100% platonic.

 

So I haven't spoken to him for that time. He blocked me on facebook. It does hurt. I miss him. But at the same time I can see his perspective, it must have been absolutely horrible to feel that way for so many years. He wasn't even asking to try it out together, because he knew we wouldn't work. It's really weird. It's hard trying to adjust that one of my absolute top best friends in the whole world isn't in my life anymore. We were SO close, I was really looking forward to introducing my new partner to him. He even said when we were having the conversation that he never really felt jealous of me having boyfriends. I couldn't wait to meet his girlfriend. So it is incredibly painful when I see stuff on facebook someone tags us in, and I'm unable to see his page because I'm blocked. I feel like wait, that's my best friend. I try to forget the amazing memories of everything we've ever been through across 12 years.

 

We left it at, he will get back in touch for one of two reasons. Either he will have realised he's over it and be able to be friends again. Or he will realise that whatever he does, he will always feel that way, and realise that he would rather have me in his life and deal with that than not have me in his life and deal with it anyway.

 

So I guess I'll hear from him when I hear from him. We kinda agreed it wouldn't be until at least next year. I feel like I've lost him for now but I respect him and what he has to do and respect his decision. Whatever he does, I love him to death and he will always be a best friend to me, and I don't ever want to get in the way of his life. I don't feel that way for him so I can't expect him to prioritise being my friend over trying to have a successful relationship. Whenever he's ready to come back I'll be here and happy to hear from him. I can't be mad at him but man, it hurts.

 

Honestly, I try not to think about it. I took down the phones of him on my friend photo collages. And of the little mementos I have relating to him over the years. I hope to god I get him back in my life someday and that he can do that without pain. But I try not to think about it. I've had a lot of loss in my life; my mum died, my brother cut me out, my nephews were blocked from seeing me, I've had a couple of extremely painful splits between me and a partner, one of those occasions I was super close with their family so losing them hurt a lot too. I never expected however to lose my best friend. I thought friendships were bulletproof so it has been a horrible shock to the system. At the time I was devastated and felt like everyone I loved will always leave me in the end. But it's been a few months now and yeah, I block it out. I feel guilty, like did I lead him on? I don't think I did, he never ever mentioned anything relating to loving me after saying he fancied me like a decade ago. I feel bad for the pain I've caused him. And I just miss him. He was closer to me than my family.

Edited by acrosstheuniverse
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DBryYES Member

DBryYES

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I mean I am happy for my friend if they find that new person, but it kinda sucks when you get cut out like that. I mean I was there before the were and I listened through all the problems. They don't owe me anything, but it makes me feel like we were not as close as I thought. It bothers me worse when their attitude changes.

NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

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Yes, kinda.

 

I met a guy when I was 14, we became really good friends, and over the following 12 years best friends. I spent Holidays with his family, I lived at his house for a month between apartments when he wasn't even there as I was so close to his family. He lived in other cities for the past six years so we wouldn't hang out as often but I'd always at least a couple times a year try make the trip to stay there or he come back here. We even had 'matching tattoos' (based on a shared interest we both very much believed in and still do), shared ideals and interests, music tastes etc. We kissed once for ten seconds, drunk, aged 15. That's the only romantic contact we've ever had.

 

Anyway a few months ago he went completely off the grid and stopped speaking to me, I wasn't worried at first as we often went weeks without even saying 'hi', I finally got through to him and turns out he has a new gf and has had feelings for me for the entire time we've been friends. He thought I knew and just didn't bring it up because I felt awkward, I HONESTLY had no idea. I knew he had fancied me back as teenagers but was convinced he was totally over it, he said he was.

 

He said the only way that he can try and make this relationship work and get over me is to try no contact cos he has tried absolutely everything else to stop thinking of me in that way. It makes sense to me. It's the only way I've ever gotten over exes. But man, it hurts, the guy is like my brother. I would have sworn on my life we were 100% platonic.

 

So I haven't spoken to him for that time. He blocked me on facebook. It does hurt. I miss him. But at the same time I can see his perspective, it must have been absolutely horrible to feel that way for so many years. He wasn't even asking to try it out together, because he knew we wouldn't work. It's really weird. It's hard trying to adjust that one of my absolute top best friends in the whole world isn't in my life anymore. We were SO close, I was really looking forward to introducing my new partner to him. He even said when we were having the conversation that he never really felt jealous of me having boyfriends. I couldn't wait to meet his girlfriend. So it is incredibly painful when I see stuff on facebook someone tags us in, and I'm unable to see his page because I'm blocked. I feel like wait, that's my best friend. I try to forget the amazing memories of everything we've ever been through across 12 years.

 

We left it at, he will get back in touch for one of two reasons. Either he will have realised he's over it and be able to be friends again. Or he will realise that whatever he does, he will always feel that way, and realise that he would rather have me in his life and deal with that than not have me in his life and deal with it anyway.

 

So I guess I'll hear from him when I hear from him. We kinda agreed it wouldn't be until at least next year. I feel like I've lost him for now but I respect him and what he has to do and respect his decision. Whatever he does, I love him to death and he will always be a best friend to me, and I don't ever want to get in the way of his life. I don't feel that way for him so I can't expect him to prioritise being my friend over trying to have a successful relationship. Whenever he's ready to come back I'll be here and happy to hear from him. I can't be mad at him but man, it hurts.

 

Honestly, I try not to think about it. I took down the phones of him on my friend photo collages. And of the little mementos I have relating to him over the years. I hope to god I get him back in my life someday and that he can do that without pain. But I try not to think about it. I've had a lot of loss in my life; my mum died, my brother cut me out, my nephews were blocked from seeing me, I've had a couple of extremely painful splits between me and a partner, one of those occasions I was super close with their family so losing them hurt a lot too. I never expected however to lose my best friend. I thought friendships were bulletproof so it has been a horrible shock to the system. At the time I was devastated and felt like everyone I loved will always leave me in the end. But it's been a few months now and yeah, I block it out. I feel guilty, like did I lead him on? I don't think I did, he never ever mentioned anything relating to loving me after saying he fancied me like a decade ago. I feel bad for the pain I've caused him. And I just miss him. He was closer to me than my family.

 

Hate to say it, but this is why guys & women can't just be friends. Usually in the end someone gets hurt because usually deep down there's always going to be some sort of attraction.

acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

Posted
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Hate to say it, but this is why guys & women can't just be friends. Usually in the end someone gets hurt because usually deep down there's always going to be some sort of attraction.

 

Yeah, it shocked me because I truly thought we were the exception!

NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

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Yeah, it shocked me because I truly thought we were the exception!

 

I'm just surprised he didn't mention his feelings towards you after all that time. I guess he was afraid of losing you as a friend if the relationship didn't work out or if you declined dating him it would have been awkward.

acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

Posted
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I'm just surprised he didn't mention his feelings towards you after all that time. I guess he was afraid of losing you as a friend if the relationship didn't work out or if you declined dating him it would have been awkward.

 

From what I can gather, he knew we would never work out together so there was nothing to gain from mentioning it. It had been kinda mentioned about ten years ago and I wasn't interested in him in that way so he obviously knew that nothing positive would come from it, and yes then I think the friendship might have been made too awkward.

 

And he's kinda right, nothing positive would have come from it, and i doubt the friendship would have been as long and deep as it is/was.

NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

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From what I can gather, he knew we would never work out together so there was nothing to gain from mentioning it. It had been kinda mentioned about ten years ago and I wasn't interested in him in that way so he obviously knew that nothing positive would come from it, and yes then I think the friendship might have been made too awkward.

 

And he's kinda right, nothing positive would have come from it, and i doubt the friendship would have been as long and deep as it is/was.

 

Pretty sad. Men & Women I think can only be friends is if there's no attraction whatsoever on either side.

Natsu21 Established Member

Natsu21

Posted
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I had a very attractive friend once, but I never pursued her because I didn't want to.

 

When we first started talking we were in complete sync, and we could talk about everything. Then she got an actual bf, and things changed between us.

 

She would talk to me less, ignore my messages, and blow me off with excuses. We randomly got in a fight and she called me an ***hole and before I knew it, she cut me off.

 

She's supposedly getting engaged to that guy. Haven't heard a word from her since.

 

More than likely, if you're a guy with a female friend, you'll be taking a backseat big time when a boyfriend comes into the picture.

 

I've lost lots of friends who got into relationships, mostly because all of a sudden, I became a detriment to their SO. That happens a lot more than you'd think, especially in marriage, when the line of making friends, having control, and respecting your marriage becomes a very complicated blur.

NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

Posted
Posted
I had a very attractive friend once, but I never pursued her because I didn't want to.

 

When we first started talking we were in complete sync, and we could talk about everything. Then she got an actual bf, and things changed between us.

 

She would talk to me less, ignore my messages, and blow me off with excuses. We randomly got in a fight and she called me an ***hole and before I knew it, she cut me off.

 

She's supposedly getting engaged to that guy. Haven't heard a word from her since.

 

More than likely, if you're a guy with a female friend, you'll be taking a backseat big time when a boyfriend comes into the picture.

 

I've lost lots of friends who got into relationships, mostly because all of a sudden, I became a detriment to their SO. That happens a lot more than you'd think, especially in marriage, when the line of making friends, having control, and respecting your marriage becomes a very complicated blur.

 

Because lots of guys are insecure about those types of things. If your former friend was texting you on the phone & the boyfriend asked who you were texting & they say your name, they'd probably flip out, especially if they don't know who you are. Guys hate it when women say "oh, he's only just a friend". Unless the guys gay, they'd at least be a little bit suspicious.

Natsu21 Established Member

Natsu21

Posted
Posted
Because lots of guys are insecure about those types of things. If your former friend was texting you on the phone & the boyfriend asked who you were texting & they say your name, they'd probably flip out, especially if they don't know who you are. Guys hate it when women say "oh, he's only just a friend". Unless the guys gay, they'd at least be a little bit suspicious.

 

Which is what happened? Her boyfriend was extremely insecure about our friendship.

 

Being that I'm black, it's no secret of my preference, and that certain guys seem me as a major threat to their relationship. I've lost a lot of female friends without doing a thing because they felt they had to choose between me and their SO's...

 

In the end, I mostly just backed out and let the relationship take it's course. My lesbian friends are the exception. Having a guy friend is no threat to their girlfriends.

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