JayLynn Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 (edited) I met this amazing guy and we hit it off immediately. Things moved very fast. He went above and beyond my expectations. He was thoughtful, caring, affectionate, always gave compliments, appreciative, sent surprised, adored me (so he acted), and I was the same towards him. He told me he I had all the qualities he was looking for, only after two weeks he told me he felt like he was falling in love with me (this was after sex) so I don't believe he was just telling me this to get me to sleep with him. I was very important to him. He said a few unrealistic things like "I could never be mad at you" "I would never hurt you" and maybe that was coming for the "New infatuation" stage of the relationship. I assured him that all relationships at some point have problems you just work them out and not to put me to high on a pastille. I usually don't move this fast but he made me feel so special and I have been missing a real romance for 7 years. I didn't want to regret it if I didn't take a chance. He always wanted to do everything together and always welcomed me at his home and kept constant contact. We both still have our own lives though. Here's where things get weird, he told me he was going to Vegas for Halloween and he did invite me but I couldn't go because of school. I didn't act thrilled about the idea. So he assumed I didn't trust him. I never said I didn't trust him. I just said Vegas was wild and I figured that we would spend that Holiday together and I was disappointed that I was considered in this decision and he would rather go to Vegas than spend Halloween with me. I get it Vegas is awesome but it wasn't a trust issue and I told him to go. He even said I'll tell my friend my girlfriend doesn't want me to go. I said no, you should go. I'm not going to keep you from doing what you want to do. He said I should have been happy for him. Things changed quickly after this. He was less affectionate and thoughtful. He just didn't seen into it anymore. I gave it some time and asked him if something was wrong. He said he couldn't get passed the "vegas argument" and that I didn't trust him and the relationship has to have trust and he no longer feels the same. This was two weeks after he told me he was falling in love with me. He's 32 I think he should know not to through words like that around unless you really mean them. We had a talk and he was ready to break up with me. I explained myself and said that these things happen in relationships. You work them out and move on. You don't run away. I explained my feeling for him but didn't understand how he just flipped a switch. He explained that his ex wife made his life miserable because she didn't trust him and he couldn't get passed it but a day later he told me that I had a heart of gold and felt he made the wrong decision and wanted to try again. He said he believed that I trusted him. So I agreed and tried to take things a little slower this time. A few days later he started acting distant again. 10 days later we ended. I asked him again what was going on. It was the same story. He didn't feel the same after the "vegas Argument". After a week I sent him a letter regarding his past trauma, and letting him know that I would always appreciate the good times we shared and I wished him the best. He sent me a text saying he would be lucky to find a girl half as good as me and thanked me for the letter. This all happened with in a month. He said he wanted me in his life but as a friend and that he was so sorry for hurting me and that he wished he could take my pain. A few days later I had the friend talk. We decided we would be friends. But I still care for him and I don't understand why he can't get past something so minor if he cared so much about me. I don't know if he is just trying to protect my feelings or what. It's the strangest situation ever. I can't help to wonder if we will get back together because a huge part of me wants to but is it the right thing? Is it healthy? Is even a friendship healthy? Should I give it more time? Should I make a clean break? I can't stop thinking about him. I really got my hopes up. Advice please Edited October 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
ThorntonMelon Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 Best advice would be for you to lose his number. You probably won't right away. So the good news is I don't think he was using you, I think he meant what you said. And the Vegas thing is just an excuse. Nothing to do with Vegas - not that I particularly think you handled that well, but I think he chased you hard, and once he had you, for whatever reason the vibe kind of...died. Anyways, friends isn't healthy and you need to distance yourself completely, and find someone who wants you and gives you what you need. He ain't it. 3
Author JayLynn Posted October 24, 2014 Author Posted October 24, 2014 Best advice would be for you to lose his number. You probably won't right away. So the good news is I don't think he was using you, I think he meant what you said. And the Vegas thing is just an excuse. Nothing to do with Vegas - not that I particularly think you handled that well, but I think he chased you hard, and once he had you, for whatever reason the vibe kind of...died. Anyways, friends isn't healthy and you need to distance yourself completely, and find someone who wants you and gives you what you need. He ain't it. I did block his number. I decided friends wouldn't be healthy. He's came back before though. I just can't figure out if it's really the trust, trauma from past failed marriage, or something else? If he meant what he said "falling in love" why would he give up so soon? In a real healthy relationship you work things out. Not peace out especially when you use words like love. There is a deeper issue here. How could I have better handled the vegas thing? He acted like he wanted to do all these things together and I want to spend holidays with my significant other. I didn't even argue with him I just didn't act thrilled and after the fact I sent him photos of my vegas trip before we met and gave him suggestions on where to go. I encouraged it afterwards because I realized it meant a lot to him to go because he had never been and explained this to him. I never used the words I don't trust you. I even told him to go. Idk how else I could have handled it rather than hiding how I really felt and just acted like I wasn't bothered by not spending the holiday with him
leavesonautumn Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 It really hurts and it sucks but I think you need to let him go. Don't bother being his friend. There were a lot of red flags and it reminds me of my ex (sorry, not trying to make it about me but I can relate a lot). -The relationship moved way too fast. -He put you on a pedestal that would be IMPOSSIBLE to not fall off of, we're human, we make mistakes. -You had that "too good to be true" feeling. You had a disagreement over a situation that you kind of overreacted about (again, I can relate to you) and when you were ready to talk sensibly about it, he was over the relationship? Sounds like something more is going on here then you're telling us, that's fine but if there isn't then just at least recognize that he was willing to break up with you over something that can be seen as pretty insignificant after the roller coaster you both went on. You mentioned that if someone was in love with you, they don't give up and deal with situations. Maybe he can't. Maybe he is not someone who can deal with emotional situations very well. Perhaps he is a bit emotionally traumatized after his ex wife and doesn't handle jealousy or insecurity very well and it scared him. He won't be able to give you what you want.
Author JayLynn Posted October 24, 2014 Author Posted October 24, 2014 (edited) It really hurts and it sucks but I think you need to let him go. Don't bother being his friend. There were a lot of red flags and it reminds me of my ex (sorry, not trying to make it about me but I can relate a lot). -The relationship moved way too fast. -He put you on a pedestal that would be IMPOSSIBLE to not fall off of, we're human, we make mistakes. -You had that "too good to be true" feeling. You had a disagreement over a situation that you kind of overreacted about (again, I can relate to you) and when you were ready to talk sensibly about it, he was over the relationship? Sounds like something more is going on here then you're telling us, that's fine but if there isn't then just at least recognize that he was willing to break up with you over something that can be seen as pretty insignificant after the roller coaster you both went on. You mentioned that if someone was in love with you, they don't give up and deal with situations. Maybe he can't. Maybe he is not someone who can deal with emotional situations very well. Perhaps he is a bit emotionally traumatized after his ex wife and doesn't handle jealousy or insecurity very well and it scared him. He won't be able to give you what you want. He says his feelings changed after that and there was nothing he could do about it. I apologized for the way I acted. I explained that I felt less important bc he didn't want to spend that holiday with me since he was so admit about doing all these new things together. I assumed we would spend it together just the way things were going and I was just disappointed I wouldn't be spending Halloween with him. There was no yelling involved. It was a calm conversation. I was just expressing my feelings and assured him it wasn't trust and I also explained a traumatic situation I went through with a boyfriend who was killed on vacation from partying and drinking too much that could have been avoided and that popped into my head immediately because Vegas is wild and partying and drinking and I was worried about him. I didn't want to tell this him right away because it was probably too soon in the relationship to share that information and we were at dinner when this conversation happened but I explained all this once I got home. He made me feel compared to his ex wife who made him miserable because she didn't trust him or let him do anything ever. Before he even told me this I told him to go to vegas. That he should go and I won't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. He asked questions like have you been cheated on. I said yes and I do not punish others for past bad relationships. I explained that my boyfriend for 4 years cheated on me and everyone tried to tell me and I trusted him so much I ignored these people and never questioned him until I saw it with my own eyes. I explained that I love and care like I've never been hurt. I explained that my next relationship had all my trust and that he even had a hot female roommate and I never questioned him. He had plenty of friends that were girls and I was completely fine with it. Edited October 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
leavesonautumn Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 You generally don't go from being "in love" to "out of love" practically overnight. Over one disagreement? Having a calm conversation about a vacation that he would be going on without you is what changed his feelings? Forget him. I think this man confused love with infatuation. You'll drive yourself crazy wondering why. Cut him off and move on. I know it's not easy but that's my advice to you. 2
ThorntonMelon Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 1. Unless I have the timeline wrong, you guys had only been together a few weeks before the Vegas conversation. Way too soon for you to have an issue with him going away, even if you'd shared feelings. 2. He is knowingly lying about the Vegas thing being why you broke up. I am guessing he fell way too far too fast and one day he woke up and realized it wasn't how he really felt. Vegas was a convenient excuse to not have to take responsibility. 2
Author JayLynn Posted October 24, 2014 Author Posted October 24, 2014 (edited) 1. Unless I have the timeline wrong, you guys had only been together a few weeks before the Vegas conversation. Way too soon for you to have an issue with him going away, even if you'd shared feelings. 2. He is knowingly lying about the Vegas thing being why you broke up. I am guessing he fell way too far too fast and one day he woke up and realized it wasn't how he really felt. Vegas was a convenient excuse to not have to take responsibility. Yes, I agree it was way too fast. That's been my point the entire time. He is the one who insisted on moving fast. It wasn't an issue that he was going to vegas it was a disappointment that I wanted to be with him for Halloween. Just because I was not like omg that's so awesome hope you have fun doesn't call for a break up reason. Ideally that's what he wanted or any guy would want. If things were going slower I wouldn't have even expected to hang out with him on Halloween which is exactly what I told him and that would have never happened. He was trying to make an issue out of it and it wasn't. I wasn't mad at him, there was no fight, basically just bummed I wouldn't be spending Halloween with him but accepted that and encouraged him afterwards that it would fun and exciting. Edited October 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
ThorntonMelon Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 I think we are seeing this differently, but focus on #2. Halloween had nothing to do with your breakup. You will likely never know why it is. He may not know why.
Recommended Posts