jellybeans Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 [font=century gothic][/font][color=brown][/color] THIS MIGHT GET LONG-- BUT PLEASE HELP! So I need help-- My story? This is a story about a THIRD chance. To quickly give you a picture (I'll try to make it short), this is my story. I dated a guy for a little over a year in college. We broke up b/c he was going through a lot of personal issues (family/personal problems, etc.). He became depressed and began having emotional ups and downs. Our relationship started to fall apart and he pushed me away. I was torn b/c anything and everything I did to try to help him emotionally didn't work. After a couple months, I began falling apart and finally I decided maybe it was best that we did break up. So after much thought, I decided to go ahead with a mutual break up...but hoping deep inside that we would remain close friends and get back together after the "issues" were over. To my utter disbelief, he got back with his first love after 2-3 mos. I was crushed b/c it made me think that our relationship was a total LIE. If he went back to his 1stLove, obviously he wasn't over her. Two years had gone by and we ended up talking again. They broke up and he began pursuing me. I was confused but to my surprise, I was so relieved and happy that he wanted me back. After all that time, I was not over him when I convinced myself that I was. I basically told him that we could never get back together, b/c there is no trust. However, I started to get weak and we ended up having sex. After 4 mos. of hanging out and messing around, he ended up getting back with her. Again, I was crushed and so mad at myself that I let him get the best of me again. But at the same time, we weren't together and I didn't treat him the best this time around so I wasn't sure what to think. I had so much pride, that I never really gave him a solid answer about a second chance. Fortunately, it was easier to get over this time. I was more mad at myself than anything. NOW, PRESENTLY, 1.5 later. My X realizes that his 1stLove is not the person who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. They broke up at the end of 2004. A couple of months ago we bumped into one another at a lounge, and we ended up talking and catching up. Now, he's telling me he's matured a lot since the past. He's stable now. He knows what he wants in life... and he wants me in it. Now to give you perspective, for some reason I have never gotten over this man. I know I love him. I know I care for him. But do I trust him? Will I ever trust him? I've dated guys and even had a boyfriend between the years without my X. But he is the only man that makes my heart skip a beat. Just being with him makes me smile and I feel like I'm on top of the world. I never feel that way with any other men I meet. Also, he is my first love. He is the only man I've ever said "I love you" to. I'm not sure what to do. I'm confused. Should I give him another chance? Would I be able to get over the past? Is he real about his feelings? Will he ever get over his first love? I was the person that was there for him through thick and thin. I was the one who helped him get to where he is now. He says that he loves me and everything about me and that he is grateful that I'm even giving him a friendship. He said he wants to take it slow and he is willing to take the steps to get me back...even if it takes a few years. I'm just scared that we can't be "just friends"... we already ended up kissing and it scared me. I told him I needed time to think. So we're doing a NC for a month. I'll be moving out of state during the summer so I'm thinking why not take it slow? If I don't, I will always wonder what would have happened if I did give him another chance? But at the same time, I don't want to go through another heartbreak. I'm not planning to get back with him any time soon but if I do, I plan to take it slow and just use this time before I leave to evaluate his character. But is this all worth it? Should I trust him? I'm so confused!!! I keep going back and forth with my own brain. I know I have to make a decision and stick with it solid. But what do I do?????
sarah12 Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 jellybeans - I feel like I could be a future you..lol. I have been in your shoes (before you got back together with him for the 2nd chance) and so I know what it feels like to have lost that trust, and keeping your pride by not showing how you feel, etc etc. Unfortunately this is what ultimately hurts us in the end, by not showing them how we feel. Guys need to be shown affection and love as well, and if they don't see it, they feel weak themselves and will look for it elsewhere. I have regrets about my situation because I didn't tell him exactly how I felt at the time. If I were ever given another chance at 'the one who got away', I would take it and make sure to never let him go. You said that he is your first love, even though you have had other boyfriends and dated other people -- well you know what, this feeling as you know, doesn't come along very often at all. I know most people would say to not give it another chance, as it didn't work the first time, but I disagree in this situation, since it is one of circumstance, and it has been some time since you've been together. Therefore you've had time on your own to mature, and it looks like he has too. This isn't to say that everything is going to work out perfectly, but I dont think it could hurt to go reeeally slowly and build a strong friendship first.. Keep in mind that it really hasn't been that long since he broke up with the ex, and so there may be some lingering feelings of attachment that he himself isn't necessarily aware of.
poister Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Oh my. This is probably a case of the heart saying yes and the brain saying no. My situation is (somewhat) comparable to yours, and to all these incredibly strong arguments against the budding relationship that my friend/family/self make, I have a highly emotional but irrefutable response: "But I love him." Hard to counter. That being said, let me now play the devil's advocate: think of the power dynamic - you are sending a message that you are always available when he wants you, and disposable otherwise. Next, think of your pride - you're setting yourself up to be the rebound every time the relationship with Love Number One doesn't work out. Not to mention trust - how can you trust someone who's mistreated you twice already? (That's not rhetorical; if you have hints, I want to hear them so I can apply them to my situation!) And can you really trust, or can you just act as though you have? Will there not be a part of you that is given to doubt and jealousy in ways that weren't the case the first time around? Won't it come up in those angry unfair arguments, causing frustration on his part and painful memories on yours, which would just ripple into other parts of the relationship? Moreover (brace for ow), if you weren't the person he wanted to help him through his depression, nor was he happy with you during the vaguely defined second attempt, is it not possible that there might be something fundamental about the relationship that doesn't work for him? Yeah, perhaps you've both matured to a point that any such dysfunction is long gone, but maybe not. And if not, can you deal with the pain again? Losing someone you love hurts like hell, as you've realized, and is sometimes nearly impossible to get over - do you want to end up in a position where you'll be starting over again? Forgive the lack of support - I wish I could tell you it would work, but it's impossible to know, and my point is that the prices to be paid for trying might be too high to make it worthwhile. Either way, I wish you the best of luck.
Lonestar Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Don't do it unless you're prepared to get rejected again. This is a pattern with him. It's obvious he only wants you when it's convenient for him, and he probably has not gotten over his X the same was you can't get over him. He can't have her, so he's falling back on you. I'll bet if she called him up tomorrow and said she wanted to get back together with him, he'd throw you to the curb in a heartbeat. Don't settle for being someone's second choice. You deserve better.
ww Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 What`s the difference?: no difference at all....huge waste of time
tokyo Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 I think everything is possible. But I'd be careful about people telling you that they are more mature now (I heard someone telling his mom this and I still find myself with this big grin on my face when I think about it ), escpecially if this person would tell me that he was willing to wait for a few years, because that does strike me as a bit immature or let's say very very optimistic. Some people will tell you a lot of stuff that they do believe at that moment. And this is a big promise. I in general do not trust people who will make too big promises, usually it's just a sign that they are not very realistic about themselves. And his previous behavior of breaking up and getting together with you and his first love indicates that this guys is not really sure of what he wants. He would love to be a stable person and that's why he's giving you big promises, he wants to believe that he's stable, but by promising things that even a really stable person would have problems to fulfill. Who is willing and makes a deliberate decision to wait for years for someone else?? Maybe without hope? Not even you did. Yes, years have passed and you still love him, but was it something that you decided with all awareness of the difficulties? I don't think so. Stable person and telling you I'm more mature now and willing to wait for years? - I'd be suspicious. Be aware that he's an unstable person and that he does not know what he really want, but I'd nonetheless give him a chance. I'd not be able to turn from him now. I'd always have regrets. I would give him the chance to show me that he has changed and can be a great friend. This is more important than to get all those lovey-dovey love vows of eternal love. Whether he really cares for you or not can only be shown in his friendship, in the kindness he shows outside a relationship. Talk is cheap, let him prove that he has changed. Do not jump into a relationship, because that would only show that you don't need his respect and would still take any kind of behavior. He made you suffer, let him show you that this will not happen again. And I guess, if you really take this friendship slowly, it will make it much easier for you to judge his behavior and dissociate yourself from him if you realize that he did not change. Good luck
ww Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 indeed ...time makes you stronger. Time does not heal. It just make you stronger and makes you able to start healing process within yourself.
sami Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 That's very true. It take time, perseverence and firmness. Nothing comes easy or free.
ww Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 you coul still be madly in love with a person you are no longer in a relationship ...but time makes you grow beyond all the pain and the stress and you start to think and sleep and eat again....you start to live again! you are actually ready to move on. You might still love that person but you are able to let new people into your life. Sometimes love means letting go...weird but true (at least in my case) ...but i guess he will still have a place in my heart.
Author jellybeans Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 [color=indigo] Thanks everyone for the responses (both supportive & non) =). I think this forum is awesome...sometimes you just need some perspective on things. Especially opinions from other than yourself, your family, and your friends. Haha it's kind of like therapy! Anyway, it's almost the end of our NC and my EX and I are about to have our "TALK" in about two weeks. I think this NO CONTACT thing is great. I'm about to leave for vacation so it will give me good time to get away from things. When I come back I'll have to finally have the dreaded talk with him about what the hell is going on between us now. At the moment, I'm thinking about NOT jumping in to things too quickly. I think if a person loves another, then time should not be a barrier. If he loves me today, he should love me tomorrow, in a month, in a year, and so on. I'm really, really, really, really, really, really TIRED of this winding road-- I'm NOT going to let the past repeat itself. Looking back, I was so naive. I jumped into things without really thinking. I do love the him very much. When we have our talk, I plan to tell him that I want to keep a friendship with him. If he really loves me, he can show me through his actions. Until, I 110% believe that his words match his actions and I finally am able to trust him again...THEN I will be able to consider and think about if a relationship between us can really work. I know I have to honestly ask myself if I can accept what happened in the past and not let it affect the present. I don't like the fact that this relationship has lost its "innocence" as one member mentioned earlier. I understand what you mean... it's definitely an issue that has been on my mind these past few days. I feel like I'm realizing that the odds are really against me. If I later decide to even start a relationship with the guy, it's going to take a lot of work. Right now I have so much great things going on in my life, and I'm not about to let him interrupt it. [/color]
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