jangle04 Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Well I've been separated four months now and I am starting to date again. I have met someone I am interested in. I keep the kids most of the time and I am just curious as to when it is ok to let that person meet your kids or come over to the house. She also has a boy the same age as my son which is three and I have an eight year old daughter. Are there any rules or how could this affect them. I consider it just an acquaintance stage right now and I am taking it very slowly. Would the kids be ok if I introduced her as just a friend? Any advice would be helpful!
tiki Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Unless it appears to the child to just be a playmate/playdate thing, I wouldn't do it anytime soon. Give it a couple of months of dating, then introduce them.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 I don't know either. My bf of six months (I've been separated for 6 weeks) came over to help with something at my new home and met the kids. But he was my "friend" who was there to "help". He came by again to help some more and my 8yr old daughter joked after about my "boyfriend". After he came over the 3rd time, they began to catch on. But I haven't admitted anything yet. Time for a talk with them about this but I dont know what to say. The custody is 50-50 so they are with their dad often. I don't know if they've said anything to him, but he wasn't born yesterday either. I want to spend vacation this summer with BF and the kids. I would also like opinions - is this too soon? I think it depends on the kids. Are they really attached to you? Are they pretty laid back like mine? Their personalities have alot to do with it.
agnf666 Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 From past expierence. I was eight and my brother was 3 when my mother just up and left my father. Then my father got a girlfriend. We met her at the begining. She had a daughter. (Spoiled brat). My dad's girlfriend was evil she beat on me when I was little. They aren't together anymore. Thank God! Now not to say that this women would do anything of the sort. I would really take it slow. After you feel completely comfortable with this woman then introduce her to your kids.
LittleMiss Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Make sure you know her well yourself. You don't want any suprises like a sudden personality change. You know ppl put up fronts when they are first dating. It takes a while for their real self to show through. I think you should wait to you feel like you know her and trust her.
Bubbles Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 I say keep your personal life - YOUR personal life. In my experience, it's much better not to involve children with the new boyfriend/girlfriend. I was married for ten years, we broke up, I started dating a guy a year after. I never once touched him, sat beside him, kissed him, hugged him.....nothing! for the first year and a half of our relationship. Sometimes it was hard but I was doing it for my children and that alone was enough encouragement for me to "act appropriately". The children already have a father/mother remember that, and another thing......it's none of their business who Mommy or Daddy are dating - they are just kids! Let them be kids! bubbles
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles I say keep your personal life - YOUR personal life. In my experience, it's much better not to involve children with the new boyfriend/girlfriend. I was married for ten years, we broke up, I started dating a guy a year after. I never once touched him, sat beside him, kissed him, hugged him.....nothing! for the first year and a half of our relationship. Sometimes it was hard but I was doing it for my children and that alone was enough encouragement for me to "act appropriately". The children already have a father/mother remember that, and another thing......it's none of their business who Mommy or Daddy are dating - they are just kids! Let them be kids! bubbles I agree with Bubbles. When BF comes over there is no affection in front of the kids. Even if they've caught on that he's my boyfriend, they don't need to see anything inappropriate. If I ever get engaged again, and they'll probably be dating by then, that is when it would be okay by my standards to show affection in front of them. If you think your kids are ready then they are ready. To them it may be as simple as just someone who brings another kid over to play with.
Author jangle04 Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 Well I was considering her come over tonight and bring her young one for my son to play with. I keep the kids 80% of the time and when she's off work I have the kids. Makes it tough. I'll play it by ear and talk to her about it and explain the situation. My daughter seems like she wants me to meet someone and be happy. She is very mature for her age, but I know she is just a kid. She loves me very very much too. I am still confused though. I think you guys are right though, I may have to just tough it out. I'm in no hurry for anything right now anyways.
Author jangle04 Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 My daughter is 8. Well I'm leaving work now. Guess I got a couple more hours to decide. I'll do the right thing though.
Aba Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 I agree to not introduce kids to a girlfriend/boyfriend. My ex already introduced a girlfriend to my daughter (6yr old) and spent all quality time together. I told him 3 tmes to not involved our daughter so soon as they just started dating. Everytime my daughter comes home to me after spending the weekend turn of her dad she will start mentioning to me what they did. It's crazy! My daughter still expect that me and her dad will still be together and don't even know how to explain it to her since she is already seeing other girl in her dad's life.
ready2moveon26 Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 I have been separated for over a year. I have not found anyone worthy of meeting my 4 year old daughter yet, but her dad has introduced, let her become close to, and ripped her away from three people. The first girl was a married woman that had three kids of her own. Things didn't work out between her and my ex because she got pregnant by her husband and went back with him. The second girl was a very young girl that my daughter just loved! This third girl, who he's with now, my daughter likes, but doesn't really talk about much. When I say things to my ex about this he gets angry and says he's doing what any divorced parent does. I don't do this to her and I don't like that he does, but what can I do about it?
RecordProducer Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 As much as it is important for you to see how she acts with your kids, it's also very important for you to protect your kids from the possible pain. If they meet too many girlfriends of yours it's not good. My BF met my kids (6-year old twin boys) and they instantly fell in love with each other. We're in a long-distance relationship and the kids miss him. It created problems with their father too as he became jealous. If we break up, I will have to deal with my kids coping and being devastated because of my lover.
SunshineBFine Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 To the person who said, "If you think your kids are ready then they are ready. To them it may be as simple as just someone who brings another kid over to play with." This is just not the case; especially when the person pushing a significant-other on a child is usually the one who has initiated the split. Your kids will tell you when they are ready. My husband had "accidental play-dates" with this woman's kids; my son started suffering from migraines that we thought were seizures (2 days in the hospital; seizure medicine; night terrors, etc.) My son felt like he was keeping a secret from me and I never suspected a thing...... this is unacceptable. As soon as I knew everything; my son got better. Children want their parents to be happy; but we must put their personal happiness first. I can't stand it when someone says, "If I am happy in my love life, my kids will be happy." This is a load of crap. There are people who might say that the kids will never be ready. This is true - however, we as adults should give a child at least 2 years. I want my kids to get used to me - not someone else with me. I think that people who expose their children too soon are selfish. My friends tell me I should get a "friend" who is a guy; expose the kids and see how he likes it. I would never do that because ultimately the children get hurt. Divorce is upwards of 60%! - we are doing something wrong!!!
faux Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 After a few years of being divorced, my father finally started to see other people again. I am twenty two and still live with my father, and my sixteen year-old sister also lives with us. The first time he started to see someone, he would just invite her over without consulting us. We did not like this at all. Just half an hour ago my father decided to invite his new "friend" over, again without asking my sister or myself if we would be OK with it. He had the nerve to become irritated at me when I informed him that no, I would not go downstairs to meet "Donna", because I am not ready to meet "Donna". I do not understand why he cannot just tell us he is dating this woman, so you may know how older children, at least, feel about the "friend" idea. Your daughter seems to be at an age where she can understand most of what is going on. I think you should be honest with her, and check to see if they shebe OK with meeting this woman you are dating. Your children have their own opinions and beliefs, and they have feelings that could be affected by this new situation.
Chris777 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 "I have not found anyone worthy of meeting my 4 year old daughter yet, but her dad has introduced, let her become close to, and ripped her away from three people" My step kids had their dad do this like 7 or 8 times, During the 2 years i was married to my ex wife. We even had 2 of the women go psycho and call our house wanting to see their kids , it was crazy. My ex has done it twice, and then apparently went back to the former BF, claiming the in between was just a friend. But my daughter met his kids and visited several times, and now she(the ex) has nothing to do with the guy( I guess?). But after seeing what it did just to my step kids I have no plan on introducing my chils to any woman I might start dating. "I can't stand it when someone says, "If I am happy in my love life, my kids will be happy." This is a load of crap." "There are people who might say that the kids will never be ready. This is true - however, we as adults should give a child at least 2 years. I want my kids to get used to me - not someone else with me. I think that people who expose their children too soon are selfish." Been there done that. Me and my ex ended up introducing me like a week after their divorce was finalized. and they were already having problems with their parents divorce. Luckily(or not so as you will read further), they seemed to take to me fairly well. And things worked out pretty well, even afere our daughter was born. Then their mom hit a bout of depression, and after seemingly recovering, a year later announced she wanted a divorce. So just as soon as me and the kids start aclimating to each other she decided to rip the family apart again. that was back in 97 Me and their dad are just now getting "sociable" and we both have custody over the mostly absentee mother. I didn't know what to do over the split plus I had a toddler to learn to raise by myself, and so I really feel like my daughter lost contact with not only her mother, but also their siblings, as both me and him were just too uncomfortable arranging visits. It seems to be getting better, but its been difficult, because I always felt like that was something her mom should have done, so to a certain extent I get the feeling my step kids didn't think i cared. But i honestly didn't know how to handle the situation, as i legally had no right to see them. It is still awkward being with them at times, like running into an old friend you lost touch with. "My friends tell me I should get a "friend" who is a guy; expose the kids and see how he likes it. I would never do that because ultimately the children get hurt." agreed, my daughter became attached to the second guy her mom lived with as well as his kids, and now they are out of the picture. And I am not going to allow her to even be around the recently reunited ex bf (see my other post) so she is kind of throw off by that. Divorce is upwards of 60%! - we are doing something wrong!!! Everyone is in too much of a hurry. my ex wifes !st husband Immediately started dating anyone, and everyone he met. Saying "I need to find them a new mom" went through a string of women(that i know of) married a girl, they broke up, then he let her move back in after another guy knocked her up. Now he is raising her child. people are selfish (And I know i was too, Maby thays part of why i am still single)
SunshineBFine Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Hey Chris777, I am really interested in what everyone has to say here because I am trying to get justification for an essay that I am writing for school. "The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children". What is your situation now?
Chris777 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 and it somewhat summs up the situation. I know I ended up nudging my ex wife to divorce her 1st hubby. But looking at the effects of divorce on my daughter and her half siblings, I would now have to hear a pretty outlandish story about a husband and wife to EVER recomend a divorce again. And by outlandish I mean Vicious abuse, sexual and or otherwise, or drug abuse. But now short of hearing about a hubby that beat and raped both his wife and children. Or just flat out abandonment. I think most marital problems should go through intense counceling before divorce. Its way to easy to get a divorce. People who "fall out of love" do not fall into this catagory. as they are just immature, and selfish. But I think divorce should be the last resort for any couple, ESPECIALLY if kids are involved.
SunshineBFine Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Hey Chris777, I agree with you 100%. Any marriage is fixable with counseling and hard work on both sides. We say we'll do anything for our chuldren; except try to make our family work. When a spouse leaves their marriagel, they leave their kids too. When a spouse cheats on their spouse, they cheat on their kids. If there is abuse; that's a different story - there should be counseling if possible - but some people just don't want to fix what is broken. Even if a couple feels that they have to divorce; exposing the children to a significant other too soon is unacceptable. My husband once said when he was walking out, "I don't feel that staying married is a good example for the kids. They would see that I (my husband) was unhappy and they'd be unhappy too." I said, "How about you showing your kids that you are willing to keep the family together through counseling". Selfish, selfish, selfish. I hate when people say, "You should never stay together for the kids sake." aaarrrggghhh -The kids should be a reminder that a marriage is something to be worked on every day," And the "I fell out of love crap"...arrrggghhh Love is a choice; happiness is a choice. Loss of attraction may be one factor that might hurt a marriage - but you were attracted enough at one time to get married to your spouse; that can be brought back around if you do what you did when you first met. There were many reasons why I should have been unhappy in my marriage; but I chose to be happy; my husband chose to have an emotional affair because of his choice to be unhappy. Life is full of choices.......are you up to the challenge?
Chris777 Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Thats what is so wierd I have heard so much psycho babble on how its ok for adults to stop loving each other , but its different with parents and kids. What a load
Merin Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I don't introduce My Wee Peeps to Casual dates... Reason being.. I don't want my Kids to become attached to someone that I don't feel is a good possibility for a committed relationship. Thier Dad and I both nurture the parenting relationship each other has with our Little People.. our kids know that no one else will ever be thier Dad or thier Mom.. My EXH now has another baby with his GF, and while My Kid's know and understand that thier Dad is also a Dad to this other baby and that is thier sibling they also know that his GF isn't thier Mom.. My BF has 2 Kids... I would never try to take the place of thier Mom... I have nothing but respect for her as her Kiddo's Mom.. I'm crazy about his Kids and have made great Friends with them but my BF knows I'm not all about being thier Mom and he also knows I don't need or want him to be my Kids Dad.. just thier Friend. I'm certain I have a point... Oh yeah! My point is... Don't introduce Little Peeps to people you're not pretty certain are going to be long term, make sure your kids know (if you choose to make introductions) that this person is going to be thier Friend not thier parent, Don't get all nuts with Displays of affection when your kids are just getting to know this other person and/or if they (the kids) are struggling with the divorce and the rest of course is just common sense in displays of affection.. I'm pretty sure even if you were still with the EX the 2 of you wouldn't be getting busy when the kids are still awake.. LOL AND make sure the person you're considering introducing to your kids knows that IT IS a big deal and they are good to go with it... Good Luck
Recommended Posts