Day.One Posted October 22, 2014 Posted October 22, 2014 I've been strong, projected confidence, worked on me, working on my issues, pushed to move forward, tried to stay 180. But it's crumbling. The facade is cracking. I'm losing it. I can't stop thinking about her. What she's doing, how she's coping, if she's finding the happiness she said she needed to leave to find. I spend my time on relationship forums, constantly searching for answers, but at the same time knowing my answer isn't there. I see the therapist once a week, occasionally my Mum, and that's about it. I get out and meet people (swimming classes, etc), but the rest of the time I'm alone. And it's crushing me slowly. 1
ComingInHot Posted October 22, 2014 Posted October 22, 2014 Oh my, Day.One, I know sir. Many of us 'know'. It's a facade that we try so hard to believe, and sometimes for short times, we do believe it. Then it cracks, and we're left with who we really are and how we really feel. I may be in denial myself about my up and coming D. What I've learned though, and what you need to be reminded of is that you WILL be Alright. It won't feel like it and you may not want to hear it, but I promise you will. I'm sending you virtual ((hugs))* and encourage you to fill your schedule even more. Til you drop. At least for a while, then deal with your feelings at the counselor's office once per week. thinking of you through this* CiH 1
ralfgarnett Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 I've been strong, projected confidence, worked on me, working on my issues, pushed to move forward, tried to stay 180. But it's crumbling. The facade is cracking. I'm losing it. I can't stop thinking about her. What she's doing, how she's coping, if she's finding the happiness she said she needed to leave to find. I spend my time on relationship forums, constantly searching for answers, but at the same time knowing my answer isn't there. I see the therapist once a week, occasionally my Mum, and that's about it. I get out and meet people (swimming classes, etc), but the rest of the time I'm alone. And it's crushing me slowly. I feel for you too mate I'm in a very similar situation as you are, married 17 years happily or so I thought until 15 weeks ago, now she is gone, I rarely see her, we rarely talk, she is gone and I have to live with that the best I can, I am lonely to I work from home and haven't seen anyone to talk to for 2 days now and yes it can be crushing, I live in a very quiet area where people mostly drive past and don't see many people walking past, it was great when we were together just me and her and the 2 cats lovely and peacefull and safe, but now its a problem, but I'm not going to rush in to quick decisions or life changes I will wait until the days brighten before I make too many decisions, I have to face the winter alone without her just me and the 2 kittys, but I will get through this and so will you, talk to me when ever you want, perhaps we can help each other get through, you know where I am mate. 2
Author Day.One Posted October 23, 2014 Author Posted October 23, 2014 Posted this last night in "post here instead of contacting your ex!" Last night i went to bed around 10:30, at midnight i was still lying in the dark, my head unable to rest. So i started writing that letter. Finished at 1am. By 1:10am i was fast asleep! Got a great nights sleep, woke up back on track and moving forward again! It's midnight and I'm unable to get to sleep again. The pain I am feeling over losing you is tearing me up inside. I can't stop running through all the 'what ifs' and 'should have dones' that led to this point. But all too little, too late. I've managed to stay strong, keep a positive outlook, work on myself, and try so hard to move forward. But I'm running out of the energy to keep going. My motivation has gone. All I'm able to do is think about you. Hoping that you're OK, that you're coping, that you're finding the happiness you said you were leaving to find. I so desperately want you to be happy. You deserve to finally have that. I know that your decision to leave wasn't an overnight one. That you must have been wanting to do so for years. Neither of us were happy anymore, but we both got trapped in a downward spiral of misery. I'm glad you had the courage to break free. It was the right choice, for both of us. We need time to heal, to work on ourselves, and to move on with our lives. Please understand that this is not a "please come back" letter. If you showed up tomorrow with your bags, I'd say no. Not because I don't want us to be together again (and in my heart I don't know that will happen), but because I know it would be a bad idea. After so many years of hurting each other and causing so much pain, a month apart would not be enough time to heal the wounds and hearts we have both had broken. 12 months may not even be enough. And I don't hold onto any false hope that you and I will even be together again. I'm not even sure, at this time, if we should. Unless we both manage to change, find ourselves individually, and learn to love ourselves again, I fear that we will remain too toxic to successfully try again, or to love each other. Although I'm starting to work on me, and have already seen changes, it'll be a long time before I'm beyond who I was, and become someone I can finally be proud of. And I need to accomplish that first, to be happy with me and who I am, before I will allow myself to be in a relationship. Either with you, or if it comes to it, anyone else. I appreciate that these are 'just words', probably the same things you've heard too many times, for too many years. And I can understand that. It can easily be seen as that. I've said similar things too often, but without changing. But I think that's because I've only tried to change for us. Then gotten frustrated that WE'RE not changing and just gone back to a default behaviour. But I've realised it's not about changing for the sake of us, it's about changing for the sake of me. I have to strip everything away from me. To pull it down, find out who is behind ME, resolve my own issues instead of trying to resolve ours, and begin to see me. No matter what I find (and I've already found a pile of things that I've been hiding and been afraid of for too long) and address and overcome them. Also, please understand that this is not a "hey, lookit me! I've changed. It's all good now" letter. I've barely scratched the surface. There's still a lot of anger (held over from where we were when we were together), frustration (from knowing there's no easy way for me to fix myself and knowing that I should have done it differently), loneliness (because I'm still not liking the person I have to live with, and there's no one else around me), and fear (that won't be an us anymore, and you'll find someone else, or have already) All these I will have to deal with over the coming months, but I've made a promise to myself to face these emotions, these fears, these demons and overcome them. I can't be who I am anymore. I don't like that person, and I can see why you stopped being able to love that person. I have the rest of my life ahead of me, I have to be able to spend it with someone I like and love. Myself. 1
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