philodoll Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 I hate to admit this because it feels so selfish , but I feel so second or third place to my lover's two children. They are the most important thing in his life and then there is me. I will never be the most important thing in his life as he is to me. And the way he lavishes physical attention on his daughter...it almost makes me jealous. She is seven and always in his lap. He dotes on her constantly to the exclusion of his son, me and everyone. I sometimes feel that it's going to be a problem for us when she is a teenager if i am still around. She is very pretty and he constantly is telling her this. She is a sweet girl and I feel ashamed for thinking these things but I can't help feeling less important in his life. I understand that kids are the most important people to thier parents but where do I fit in to this tight 3 some?
Sckott Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Sadly, you may never get close enough. It sounds like you need true emotional companionship and the kids all soak up the attention. This is very tough. How long has this relationship lasted?
Linlin Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 This is indeed a hard one. My kids are the most important thing to me and any guy that I am with will have to deal with this. How long have you been with him? I have never introduced my kids to any man I have been with yet. I don't ever plan on introducing them until I am very serious with a man. It is easier to keep them separate and less confusing for the kids. I also can't see myself being very affectionate in front of the kids. In private or not around them is a different story. Maybe that is why he always has his daughter sitting with him. Perhaps he feels uncomfortable displaying affection with you in front of his children. Does he not dote on his son too? I would be concerned if only the duaghter gets attention like this.
Author philodoll Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 I have been with him one year. He does not spend as much time paying attention to his son. He does not compliment him as much or touch him even half as much as his daughter. Yes, I feel that they "soak up" a lot of energy/attention. But they are his children...they need that from him. I just feel that there is little left over for me sometimes when we are all together. I don't have any children so maybe I can't appreciate the whole thing.
Sckott Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 And for you, you feel he is neglecting you as well. Seriously, there are some interesting dynamics going on. Not to judge him, but a parent has to try and spend equal time with his kids, be dedicated to his job, loving to his SO. All of this takes even some healthy doses of time management. I would talk to him about this. Don't pry, but carefully sit down and mention these things to him. See what he says. I think it's very valid to worry about this...
Merin Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 I really do think it's a difficult relationship to understand when you have no wee people of your own... My BF has 2 kiddo's.. his daughter is 9 and his son is 2. His Daughter is the reason the sun comes up and sets for him... she is beautiful and smart and funny... just a really great kid. His Son is his other reason for the sun coming up and setting... he is a doll and just a good natured kid. My BF spends a lot of time with his little people... and I'm good with that... honestly I would wonder WTF was wrong with him if he didn't want to spend the time with them and he didn't invest the time and energy into being a good Dad... BUT that is probably because I have 2 little people of my own... This is something that I tell anyone who is interested in me straight up... my peeps come first if this is something that threatens a guy or he isn't down for it's all okay... but not to date me. Honestly my BF was cautious about me meeting his kids (as I was about him meeting mine) because children can and often do get attached... so yeah.. for obvious reasons you don't want your people getting attached to someone who probably won't be there for them... My BF's kids had never met anyone thier Dad had dated... and I knew if for any reason his kids didn't like me chances of things working out for my BF and I were slim to none... the same as I felt about if one of my kids didn't like him.. This is a part of being with a single parent.. and it isn't for everyone.
Author philodoll Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 thank you sckott and everyone. I feel a bit childish myself. I do like the fact that he is a responsable, loving dad. It's just all that gushing over his daughter that makes me feel that I'll never be the center of his universe. I'll be a be in there, but on the periphery.
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 This is an issue for a lot of people (and one of the main reasons I don't date people who have kids) - but his children really *should* come first in his life. That's what made my Dad a great Dad, he lavished attention on his daughters. To be honest, every parent has their favorite. I mean, you aren't supposed to, but in my family it is kind of obvious that I am my Dad's favorite child, beyond my two older sisters by a landslide, and I feel guilty about it but hey, I am not responsible for Dad. I'm thinkin' -- have you talked about this with him? There is a diplomatic way to say everything, I suppose....but in the end, you know I think that it's actually a good thing that he is so attentive to his bubs. What exactly is it about the attention he gives to his kids that you are jealous of? Is it the amount of time? Do you guys get alone time? Do you go out to dinner/dates on your own? Or is his attention really only focused on his kids? Does he have sole custody? Has this been an issue for a while, or just recently? Are you suspicious about his relationship with his daughter versus with his son? On edit - do you feel like good about yourself? Why do you feel the need to be the center of someone else's universe?
Merin Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by philodoll thank you sckott and everyone. I feel a bit childish myself. I do like the fact that he is a responsable, loving dad. It's just all that gushing over his daughter that makes me feel that I'll never be the center of his universe. I'll be a be in there, but on the periphery. Sorry... honestly... you probably never will be the center of the universe for him. BUT that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about you... it's just a different kind of love you have for your kids. I love my BF.. I think he is such a doll and I love being with him... BUT My little peeps come FIRST always. This isn't to discredit him in any way at all... and I understand that while he's crazy about me and loves me... his daughter and son will always be first for him. BTW sometimes Dads just have those special bonds with thier daughters... daddy's little girl kind of thing. My BF is this way with his daughter.. she is a lot older than his son is and they just really had a lot of time together bonding like that... instead of spending your time being jealous of her, perhaps just spend some of your time with her.. might be suprised at how much you influence her life as well
tiki Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 I personally don't understand why people make their children the center of their universe. Who's going to be there when THEY get a life?! A child is to grow up and create a family all his/her own. Then what will you have if you've built your life around a child? I don't really think it's the way God intended it. I know it gets weird when you're divorced and all, but it's almost the same concept. You HAVE to have a life. My husband and I have lives outside of our children, sorry if ya don't like that! I've read one author that recommends disciplining your child as early as two weeks old. He says to go out on a date with your mate and leave that kid at home! They need to realize that they're not the center of the universe, and that we all have lives. Your children will grow up and move away. Who's there? Your lifelong partner that you've ignored so that you can take care of those kids?! No way, man. Sure, love the kids. Love them to death, who cares. But make room for your significant other and discipline them in a way that they see that you have a life outside of them! Love is grand and it's the best thing that you can show a child. That dad needs to show his kids that a man can love a woman. Now THAT's something he should consider. If not, what thought process is being embedded into the child's mind? Sorry, I'm ranting now.
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by tiki I've read one author that recommends disciplining your child as early as two weeks old. He says to go out on a date with your mate and leave that kid at home! They need to realize that they're not the center of the universe, and that we all have lives. Well I would totally agree, accept that children's brains aren't finished developing until they are actually in their late teens/early 20s. The last part of the brain to develop governs rational thought and logical thinking. So, it would be cool if they COULD actually cognitively understand that they need to learn independence, but most children at the age of 7 are mentally not capable of understanding this - it's a developmental thing. Like Piaget's concrete operationalization.
moimeme Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 I will never be the most important thing in his life as he is to me. It's just all that gushing over his daughter that makes me feel that I'll never be the center of his universe. I'll be a be in there, but on the periphery. I, too, have to wonder why you need to be the 'centre of his universe'. Were you deprived of attention when you were a child or something? It sounds like you're either very young or you have some pretty serious issues of your own if you're threatened by the amount of attention a man gives his kids. I don't have kids either, but when I was with a guy who had four kids I totally understood that they came first because they had to. Tiki's hard line aside, they're just kids!!!!! Now, if these were grown adults and still depending on Daddy for everything it would be a different story, but they are little kiddles who can't fend for themselves. You're a grown, supposedly independent woman. I would speak to him about paying more attention to his son. Maybe he thinks it'll make the boy 'gay' or something else stupid, but the boy needs attention and approval just as much. Mind you, you could pay some attention to the boy, too. And then I would get counselling because it sounds as though you are overly dependent on this man for your emotional fulfillment. Your partner is supposed to be the icing on the cake, not the cake, plate, and knife.
Merin Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Your partner is supposed to be the icing on the cake, not the cake, plate, and knife. Very wise... It isn't a matter for me that my little peeps are the "center of the universe" it's that they are LITTLE KIDS who are not equipped at this point to do for themselves no more than my BF's kiddo's are... Something my daughter said to me the other day.. "Mom, you love Josh right?" I said yes... she said "But you love me and Erin too" I said of course... then my wise 7 year old said "You love me and Erin the most, but you love Josh in a different way right Mom?" Yes... Even when I was married to my kids Dad there were just times that our kids had to come before him or before I... this isn't to say that you should neglet your SO or always give in to your kids wants.. but it is seperating what is a need and what is a want for everyone. There will come a day that yes children grow up and start thier own lives *needing* the parent(s) less and less and for real yay for that! BUT I hope my kiddo's grow up and *want* to be in my life and let me be a part of thiers as thier friend as well and not just thier Mom... AND I hope that in showing them what a good relationship looks like they will find good ones as well and learn that it's about balance and seperating what is needed and what is wanted....
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