Put this in perspective for me...

[SycamoreCircle]

So, I'm 7 months NC from a year long relationship that ended in the most ugly and painful way. My gf, who had been living with me for 6 months, breakup blindsided me. She invented all sorts of reasons. Each day for the next few weeks(while she moved out) was a new reason, compounding on the last. I grew very angry. Things just didn't make sense.

 

I began snooping and discovered that she'd been having an emotional affair for at least a month, even going over to the guy's place and hooking up with him. I also discovered that in tandem with this was a malicious, beyond-all-conscionable smear campaign against me to her family and friends. I was utterly shocked.

 

I exposed the whole thing.

 

She grew even angrier and blamed me even more. Denied that this other man, whom she lied about, was even factored into the equation.

 

We separated. NC.

 

7 months later I see on her social media that she and the guy(20 years her senior) have broken up. Or he broke up with her. Their relationship, was kept discreet apart from my blowing the whole thing open. There's no pictures of them together, unlike the two of us, and there's no mention of him. They were, as best I can tell, f...buddies. Though she idealized him and kept him on a pedestal.

 

My question is this: why has she Tweeted things vaguely referring to their breakup which contains a tenderness and sentimentality categorically denied our end? She and I had a LEGITIMATE relationship. We lived together, told each other that we loved each other. Her mother sent me long johns for X-mas. I got to personally know her friends. Her friends really liked me. Yet, my gf painted me black at the end. Later claimed I "emotionally blackmailed" her! Yet, this 45 year old narcissistic creep(he took Instagram photos of her in his bed after he banged her the first time) deserves her "heart".

 

Put things in perspective for me, please...

[dclan]

So, I'm 7 months NC from a year long relationship that ended in the most ugly and painful way. My gf, who had been living with me for 6 months, breakup blindsided me. She invented all sorts of reasons. Each day for the next few weeks(while she moved out) was a new reason, compounding on the last. I grew very angry. Things just didn't make sense.

 

I began snooping and discovered that she'd been having an emotional affair for at least a month, even going over to the guy's place and hooking up with him. I also discovered that in tandem with this was a malicious, beyond-all-conscionable smear campaign against me to her family and friends. I was utterly shocked.

 

I exposed the whole thing.

 

She grew even angrier and blamed me even more. Denied that this other man, whom she lied about, was even factored into the equation.

 

We separated. NC.

 

7 months later I see on her social media that she and the guy(20 years her senior) have broken up. Or he broke up with her. Their relationship, was kept discreet apart from my blowing the whole thing open. There's no pictures of them together, unlike the two of us, and there's no mention of him. They were, as best I can tell, f...buddies. Though she idealized him and kept him on a pedestal.

 

My question is this: why has she Tweeted things vaguely referring to their breakup which contains a tenderness and sentimentality categorically denied our end? She and I had a LEGITIMATE relationship. We lived together, told each other that we loved each other. Her mother sent me long johns for X-mas. I got to personally know her friends. Her friends really liked me. Yet, my gf painted me black at the end. Later claimed I "emotionally blackmailed" her! Yet, this 45 year old narcissistic creep(he took Instagram photos of her in his bed after he banged her the first time) deserves her "heart".

 

Put things in perspective for me, please...

 

The girl clearly has issues.....older man issues.

 

The reason she makes you look bad, and treats you as if you were a bad boyfriend, its her way of making herself believe that it was ok to dump you and run off with the older man.

 

Lets put things in perspective:

 

I assume you are both in your 20's, so which relationship is more likely to succed?:

 

- A relationship with someone who is around your age, who probably has similar goals in life, who shares many of your interests, who your family likes....?

 

OR

 

- A relationship with someone who is 20 years older than you, who might have kids (old kids), maybe married/divorced, and the things that interest him are from before you were even born...?

 

?

 

You really think her mother would approve of she dating a man thats 20 years older than her? Don't even take into consideration the fact that her mother liked you. But seriously any mother would think their daughter is crazy....

 

So thats why she needs to paint you in a very bad light. In her mind, by making you seem like a bad person (and probably painting her new partner as a good person), she is seeking the aproval of her family for her new relationship.

 

Imagine you had a daughter. Who would you prefer for her? a guy that loves her and is her own age? or some creep who could be her father that is probably using her just for sex?

 

Oh and finally, that thing about her being f*** buddies with him? Not a chance.

 

If you want to go for a sexual relationship and nothing more, you would probably seek someone young or your own age. She went for someone older. So clearly the reason was "emotional".

 

I say "emotional", but I don't mean love. Clearly wasn't love since it ended only after a few months. As I said first, she clearly has issues with older man.

 

How is her relationship with her dad? whats her dating past like?

 

Find information regarding that, and you'll see everything fits.

Edited October 22, 2014 by dclan

[SycamoreCircle]

Well, I think you bring up some very valid points. First, let me say that when we broke up I was 37 to her 25, but her mother's friends at a function said, "you guys make such an attractive couple". Secondly, the "daddy issues" I think are definitely in effect. Her father is, from what I can tell, emotionally unavailable. For instance, when she moved in with me her father's only concern was, "as long as she has a studio space in which to work." He, like her, is an artist who spends virtually all his time working on personal projects.

 

To be fair, the man she left me for is an attractive man. He doesn't look 45 but I mean, c'mon 45 and he's having affairs with 25 year old women!

 

But I just don't understand---I loved my gf so so much. I told her how pretty she was and if there was ever anything she needed to talk about I was willing to listen. She really sabotaged our relationship.

[dclan]

Well, I think you bring up some very valid points. First, let me say that when we broke up I was 37 to her 25, but her mother's friends at a function said, "you guys make such an attractive couple". Secondly, the "daddy issues" I think are definitely in effect. Her father is, from what I can tell, emotionally unavailable. For instance, when she moved in with me her father's only concern was, "as long as she has a studio space in which to work." He, like her, is an artist who spends virtually all his time working on personal projects.

 

To be fair, the man she left me for is an attractive man. He doesn't look 45 but I mean, c'mon 45 and he's having affairs with 25 year old women!

 

But I just don't understand---I loved my gf so so much. I told her how pretty she was and if there was ever anything she needed to talk about I was willing to listen. She really sabotaged our relationship.

 

Well....to be honest, 37 is also sort of a big age gap between the two of you.

 

Obviously someone in his 30's can relate much better to someone who is 25. The generation gap is not big. But your relationship with her, is sort of proof of her attraction to older men.

 

She sabotaged the relationship with you, just as she probably sabotaged her relationship with her new guy. There are unfortunatly some people in this world that really don't know how to love or be loved.

 

And most of them never actually share their problems. You offered her your support and understanding, telling her that she could talk to you about anything at any time. She chose not to. Not because she was mean, its just that some people never want to face their problems.

 

As I said in my previous post...the reasons why she bad mouthed to her family, was just her way of her family accepting her new relationship.

 

And seriously don't give much thinking to the whole "he was an attractive guy" thing. There are handsome guys walking around everywhere, and if a 25 year old woman wants to get in bed with a man all she needs to do is say it, and lots of guys will be ready to sleep with her.

 

So her new relationship, was clearly an emotional one, more like a "daddy issue" one.

 

She likes older guys. Who knows, maybe for her, you are just too young (as I said, you are older, but you are almost the same generation).

 

Maybe her next boyfriend will be in his 50's.

 

I think you dodged a bullet here. Be proud you had a 25 year old , but she was clearly not a girl to be in a relationship. Her new relationship also ended after a short while. Thats proof enough.

[BC1980]

The circumstances of their breakup were different. When she broke up with you, she needed to paint you as a monster to justify her affair. You see that a lot actually. People basically claiming that someone was so awful that it drove the other person to have an affair. It doesn't seem that she outright did that, but she would have had a motive to do so.

 

Also, consider that he may have been the one to end it, so she might still have him on that pedestal and be pining over him. She's probably still in that stage where you try to make the best of being dumped, and you say how great your ex is. I know I did that after being dumped because I wanted to put a good face on. I was very generous towards my ex even though he had ripped my heart out because I still loved him at that point.

 

Basically, the circumstances are very different, so she is going to act a different way post breakup.

[SycamoreCircle]

Yes, you're right in your points. The circumstances were different. She did justify her affair and swift departure by painting me to be a monster.

 

Yes, I believe the guy called things off. She is pining for him. What I don't understand---during all of this, WHERE DID HER FEELINGS FOR ME GO? She used to care about me. A month or two before she met this guy, she told me, "you're the most wonderful man." And she used to tell other people that she lives in Brooklyn with "such a nice man."

 

Suddenly, I'm transformed into ABUSIVE IMPOTENT FAT STUPID MAN, complete with cape and utility belt, and she's riding the other guy's wang. What happened to me? When did/does she miss me?

 

Utterly confused...

[BC1980]

Yes, you're right in your points. The circumstances were different. She did justify her affair and swift departure by painting me to be a monster.

 

Yes, I believe the guy called things off. She is pining for him. What I don't understand---during all of this, WHERE DID HER FEELINGS FOR ME GO? She used to care about me. A month or two before she met this guy, she told me, "you're the most wonderful man." And she used to tell other people that she lives in Brooklyn with "such a nice man."

 

Suddenly, I'm transformed into ABUSIVE IMPOTENT FAT STUPID MAN, complete with cape and utility belt, and she's riding the other guy's wang. What happened to me? When did/does she miss me?

 

Utterly confused...

 

You know, I've got no answer, and I've asked myself the same question. It's scary how quickly people can change.

[Ronni_W]

What happened to me? When did/does she miss me?

 

Utterly confused...

Confusion could be stemming from taking it as an absolute fact that she HAD/HAS to miss you at any point. We might say that that would be usual, but it is by no way or means guaranteed.

 

She could have gotten all her "closure" so to speak, BEFORE she left/moved out so, within herself, there would be nothing amiss or missing after she left. That is, she was ALREADY mentally and emotionally prepared for the fact of you no longer being in her life.

 

Since she didn't keep you apprised of her internal goings-on, you, on the other hand and of course, did experience a big gap or hole in your mind, heart and life, where she used to take up space.

 

Regardless of if or when she misses you, or if not and why not she doesn't...it still sucks. But please don't let how she's doing her life now interfere with your own peace of mind by causing confusion in it...because, at the end of the day, it makes no difference if she does or does not have feelings of missing you.

The important part now is that she liked you and loved you and cared for you when she was in relationship with you (or she wouldn't have been in relationship with you). Current-day, that's all you have...so it just somehow has to be enough.

 

It still sucks. I'm not saying that it does not suck. But it is what it is, yes?

[SycamoreCircle]

Perhaps you're right. She was already emotionally checked out by the time she walked out the door. But two months later, she exhibited a new painting which was a self-portrait looking very distraught whose title makes claim to have been emotionally blackmailed. Most of her friends and that new guy were in attendance.

 

I took it as an attempt on her part to lay any rumors to rest. Remember I exposed the whole thing to friends and family. This painting was a public statement of the abuse she suffered. The painting was also featured on her FB. Someone made a passing remark about it. She very quickly explained that "when there's nothing satisfying about the relationship, you have to flee."

 

What can I say? We used to hold each other in the kitchen and listen to old records and cook together. We did everything together. For a year, we were inseparable. I know how she takes her tea, her coffee. I know which of her boobs is slightly larger than the other. I will never be able to completely understand what happened.

[hoping2heal]

He dumped her, so she's still pining over him. That is why you are seeing this "tenderness".

 

She dumped you, after she already checked out and had fallen for him. So, your end was nothing to romanticize for her. She was more concerned with explaining her ****ty behavior by painting you as the bad guy.

 

45 and the guy posts pics of his 20 something screw on instragram from the bed? REALLY? What a douche and a half. Neither your ex nor that guy have any class.

 

He did you a favor.

[Ronni_W]

I will never be able to completely understand what happened.

I know, SycamoreCircle. Sometimes that can be the most difficult thing. In fact, my ex and I were sitting here just not that long ago, and neither one of us really knows "what happened". It even felt as if we would change it, if we knew how to do that...or would have changed it, back four years ago, if we knew how to to it, then.

 

For you, PART of what happened seems to be that she didn't have the emotional competency and/or communication skills to tell you that she was feeling dissatisfied, to whatever degree, in HER relationship with you. However, YOU did not; it does not come across, have the same LACK OF COMPETENCY/SKILL in YOUR relationship with her.

 

That is, it seems to have been a lack of learned skills, on her part. THAT'S "what happened", it seems. Her art exhibit and that piece of art was her (dysfunctional) way of dealing with her internal goings-on, which may be unconscious to her still to this very moment.

 

Her perception and idea of having been "emotionally blackmailed" and that there was "nothing satisfying" in her relationship speaks, to me, of just a whole bunch of unexamined thoughts and feelings and ideas and perceptions on her part. It's all mentally undeveloped or under-developed and emotionally immature. At least, that's how you're portraying HER part in all of it. (I'm not saying that yours is not an accurate portrayal.)

 

Your understanding of what happened depends and relies on your accepting that perhaps you were just more mentally and emotionally developed and aware than she was at the time, AND that she did not have proper skills to deal with whatever was going on inside of her other than to find a scapegoat and blame you and blacken your integrity and reputation. It ONLY says stuff about her and does not ACTUALLY and in reality change anything about you.

 

People who haven't yet clued-in to her (dysfunctional) way of handling her life, have a WRONG impression of you...and you will just have to make that okay within yourself. Their idea of you is WRONG. She can do a zillion art pieces and make whatever FB comments about you, or alluding to you, that she likes. It will all still be WRONG as long as she remains mentally and emotionally undeveloped/under-developed and immature.

 

Not that it doesn't suck. But it's just where she was at the time, and perhaps still is. It is what it is, yes?

Edited October 22, 2014 by Ronni_W