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Need navigating through a breakup of a 4-year relationship

bleedinjlove

By bleedinjlove
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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bleedinjlove Member

bleedinjlove

Posted
Posted

Hey guys,

 

It's been a while since I've been on this site... Nearly 6 years to be exact. I can't believe I'm back. Good news: I finally found an amazing relationship. It came shortly after my really horrible relationship. But it was everything that I had been looking for and more.

 

Ellie and I dated for nearly 4 years, but she is 3 years younger than me. So 16-19.5 for her, 19 - 22.5 for me. It was a difficult age difference, but we lived in the same city and went to the same college. More on this later.

 

Our relationship was near perfect. We were fully integrated into eachother's lives, Christmases, Thanksgivings, etc. We were so in love and so happy for so long, I don't think that really ever faded. We bickered, had minor issues and a couple fights the way that most big relationships due. We even broke up once when I went to study abroad, but got back together shortly after. Anyway, by all intensive purposes - we were in a healthy, normal and loving relationship.

 

Over the past few months, I felt like we were in a little bit of a rut. Obviously we loved eachother, but things just dulled a little bit. I've been in another long term relationship so I kind of know that this is part of the experience. But the sex waned and we were kind of stagnant as a couple -- mostly because she was still in college and we weren't quite ready to move in together.

 

About 2 months ago, Ellie broke up with me and I can't believe it. I can't help but think that she could've been the one. Ellie's reasoning was about as sound as it could be. Essentially she said,

 

"We might need that break we always talked about. I love you, and I am in love with you. But I don't know what life is like without you. I'm so comfortable, and it's been the greatest 4 years, but I just don't know how to stand on my own. This is horrible for me, I just feel like I need to do this. I need to know how high my highs can go."

 

I'm trying to reconcile this. Especially since its very similar to a GIGS break-up. We are pretty much on no-contact, but we have contacted eachother a few times to catch up (mostly initiated by her). But now I found out that not just 2-months into our breakup she's "kind of seeing" someone that she has (brief) history with. That's pretty painful to hear, but I figure it's a rebound.

 

Anyway, how should I proceed? Should I close the door and what could be an incredible relationship in the future? Should I just move on (despite my feelings)?

David87 Established Member

David87

Posted
Posted

Yep definitely close the door and move on, its not fare but thats the way life treats us some times.

 

She found a new dude in a short period of time and I dont think that matters if he is a rebound or not. Just move on dude the ship has sailed.

 

Almost forgot, don't be a doormat and start NC asap.

  • Like 1
ThorntonMelon Established Member

ThorntonMelon

Posted
Posted

You need to do the best you can to merge the practical considerations here with the emotional.

 

The good news is they actually fit together well.

 

The emotional consideration is that she prefers the rush of the unknown to the stability of the known. Which means that to protect your heart you need to disappear from her life, completely.

 

The practical consideration is that you are in tremendous grief right now. Here's how I know that:

 

Should I close the door and what could be an incredible relationship in the future?

 

So lets for a minute assume we weren't talking about a woman. Let's say...a job. So you're working for a company and they bring you in and say "We're in a real downturn right now, so even though you're fantastic, we're going to let you go. But you did a great job and if the company improves, we will try to hire you back".

 

Certainly a nice way to get fired. But would you stay out of work out of loyalty to that company just because they fired you politely? Obviously not. You need a job. If someday your paths crossed and it worked, yes, you'd reconsider.

 

My point is that she fired you. She did it nicely, but she fired you. She's dating others because she wants to be dating others. You are not a consideration in her life anymore. She fired you. And as such, she should not be a consideration in her decision making. There is no door to close or open. You two are a memory. A nice one, but just a memory.

 

So the good news is that you should just live your life. Yes, it needs to be no contact, but not out of malice, just because you both have lives to live without each other.

  • Like 2
jbentley87 Member

jbentley87

Posted
Posted

"We might need that break we always talked about. I love you, and I am in love with you. But I don't know what life is like without you. I'm so comfortable, and it's been the greatest 4 years, but I just don't know how to stand on my own. This is horrible for me, I just feel like I need to do this. I need to know how high my highs can go."

 

I have recently come into the same situation my friend. There are two ways of looking at this.

 

I think the way she presented the issue to you was very mature and sounds like you and her are able to speak with one another on a very mature level. My recent ex who dumped me sort of said the same thing, but didn't word it near as well. I literally had to be the one to say "so you are saying we are breaking up". Anyway, I have come to understand why she broke up with me and I believe its just what Ellie said... I think some women just have FOMO (fear of missing out) and make impulsive decisions to break away from everything so that they wont miss out. But in the same sense, they will eventually realize how ignorant they were because anybody who loves somebody would not want to be a burden and would want to "spread their wings" together.

 

The other way of looking at it is a bit on the pessimistic side, but considering she is "kinda seeing" somebody else, she could have had this planned for awhile. In that case, I am not sure that her words were all that real and it might hurt even more thinking of how she technically lied to you.

 

In either case, I do believe NC and bettering yourself is a good route to take. You have to let the person who let you go find it within themselves to bring you back.

 

Keep your chin up!

  • Like 1
No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

Dude RUN. Block her for good. And push her off the "the one" pedestal you placed her on. Even if you two had married she'd cheat the amount of anniversaries you have 3x until the divorce. Per month.

Just because she left you before going around for other men doesn't mean she's a great person. Don't fall for the "plan B" crap, ignore whatever breadcrumbs or "catch up's" she may send you. Again, block her, it's the most effective way to send her the message to leave you be.

xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

Posted
Posted
You need to do the best you can to merge the practical considerations here with the emotional.

 

The good news is they actually fit together well.

 

The emotional consideration is that she prefers the rush of the unknown to the stability of the known. Which means that to protect your heart you need to disappear from her life, completely.

 

The practical consideration is that you are in tremendous grief right now. Here's how I know that:

 

 

 

So lets for a minute assume we weren't talking about a woman. Let's say...a job. So you're working for a company and they bring you in and say "We're in a real downturn right now, so even though you're fantastic, we're going to let you go. But you did a great job and if the company improves, we will try to hire you back".

 

Certainly a nice way to get fired. But would you stay out of work out of loyalty to that company just because they fired you politely? Obviously not. You need a job. If someday your paths crossed and it worked, yes, you'd reconsider.

 

My point is that she fired you. She did it nicely, but she fired you. She's dating others because she wants to be dating others. You are not a consideration in her life anymore. She fired you. And as such, she should not be a consideration in her decision making. There is no door to close or open. You two are a memory. A nice one, but just a memory.

 

So the good news is that you should just live your life. Yes, it needs to be no contact, but not out of malice, just because you both have lives to live without each other.

 

The job analogy was a very good way to put it. Nicely done.

xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

Posted
Posted

My recent ex who dumped me sort of said the same thing, but didn't word it near as well. I literally had to be the one to say "so you are saying we are breaking up".

 

In either case, I do believe NC and bettering yourself is a good route to take. You have to let the person who let you go find it within themselves to bring you back.

 

Keep your chin up!

 

Same here man. Essentially the same thing "I'm not sure where I'm headed in life and that freaks me out", im not happy with myself, not sure what I want out of life...ect ect.

 

I too brought it up. I said "So you're saying you want to break up". She was like "No I don't" but I need time to figure myself out, and I know I can't ask you for a break because I know I wouldn't get another chance (because I gave her a second chance already). I had to be the one to end it, and I hated that I did something I never wanted or intended to.

 

NC is definitely the best way OP. It sucks... It hurts... and, Its hard. But, you'll get through it. Look to us here on LS for support.

  • Author
bleedinjlove Member

bleedinjlove

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you guys for all your support. I think reading your opinions has helped me come to terms with the fact that I have to go NC, live my life and hope for the best. That being said, I'm curious about this.

 

[quote=jbentley87;5960741

In either case, I do believe NC and bettering yourself is a good route to take. You have to let the person who let you go find it within themselves to bring you back.

 

In your experience, how does that last part happen? If you're not in their life, don't you just fade out. Especially if there are other people on deck? Does that really happen?

jbentley87 Member

jbentley87

Posted
Posted

Unfortunately, I am still in the phase of seeing if that actually happens. But that is the way I see it. They left you, voluntarily took you out of their life, and let their selfish "me" attitude get the best of them. I mean I think it all depends on what impact you made when you were with them and how you handle not being with them.

 

Like I said, I tell myself THEY did this so if it is going to get fixed... THEY can fix it.

 

It is hard to not fight for someone you love but its harder to understand why the person you loved didn't put up a fight for you. Let them show you that they are willing to fight for you and if they aren't then they will fade out, but you need to shine.

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