I contacted OM [update: we decided to separate]

[TrustedthenBusted]

Having kids doesn't solve any problems. It only causes whole new ones.

 

Getting over a betrayal like this is extremely difficult under the best of circumstances, and what I'm reading about here is far from what I'd call the best of circumstances.

 

With financial worries, personal differences, and now this pining away for the OM bullcrap,... you are moving from difficult to impossible.

[NJ123]

Since reading threads like this gives me such a negative view about marriage when I don't want to feel that way.

[Allumere]

Since reading threads like this gives me such a negative view about marriage when I don't want to feel that way.

 

Don't let it get you down. Let it be a lesson!

Marriage is not easy but the issue is that of individuals, not marriage in itself.

Actually the positive out of all this is when people share their stories ( whether we agree, disagree, get pissed, cry, want to choke, cheer) it helps to open our eyes to the pitfalls...pitfalls that are the result of human failings. People can make some damn poor choices and have a selfish streak a mile deep...at least by surface appearance. But as I have found, nothing is completely black or white. Yes, wrong is always wrong but when all the puzzle pieces are laid out one can feel a twinge of empathy in regards to the situation or in the least realize if they were in that exact same situation their resolve could also grow weak.

[RightThere]

As a BS I am surprised I can say I understand your pain.

 

Neither of you really fixed what was wrong in your marriage. The OM is a symbol of what you think you are missing in your life. It's really easy to ignore the reality in front of you and imagine how great the possibilities are out there for you.

 

Putting the affair to the side for a minute (because yeah, you need to do that sometimes) you are definitely not getting your needs fulfilled by your husband. And there is probably a good chance he's not getting enough of his needs fulfilled by you.

 

As much as LS will disagree with me, you and your husband can't focus on the affair, and this breaking of NC in a vacuum. The real problem is you are both not getting your needs fulfilled. And until you actually sit down and really talk about what you need, what he needs, and what you're willing to do for each other, nothing is going to fundamentally change for the two of you.

 

There is a strong possibility that the expectation of what you want your husband to be, and who he really is, are two totally separate things. The same goes for your husband. And if accepting who your husband really is and getting rid of all your expectations isn't likely to happen, then you will likely continue on the same pattern.

 

Don't get me wrong. Things can be fixed. But you are both required to make BIG changes in who you are and what you do for your spouse.

 

Good luck.

[Man Mountain Makino]

This post is a compelling reason why I am against investing the time and energy for reconciliation, on balance. To go through all that just isn't worth it.

[katielee]

you are definitely not getting your needs fulfilled by your husband. And there is probably a good chance he's not getting enough of his needs fulfilled by you.

 

 

 

 

Good luck.

 

Needs, Shmeeds. Not getting needs met doesn't mean you have an affair!!

 

It means you don't know how to cope so you reach externally for something that will give you a temporary high. Who cares what your needs are. You have no right to stab someone in the back like that. Spouse not meeting your needs - TELL THEM! or divorce them. Growth the E f f up, CD! You've been at this too long to not know this.

[merrmeade]

It had nothing to do with making him feel better. I needed to get it off my chest. I wanted to talk to him and have him answer my questions, but he wasn't going to go for that, so all that was left was to put my two cents in and tell him what I have been thinking and feeling.

 

I doubt it made him feel "better."

 

The portion you are referring to was partially anger at the possibility that he possibly thinks I'm just some predator out there looking for men to seduce, as that's clearly what his mom thought.

 

Whatever. Your whole thing is just so unreal, beginning to end — that you take yourself so seriously and get so wadded up in excuses and rationalizations and never see what's happening.

 

You start this thread (and I read the old ones a couple of years ago) with all the bullcrap about why you just had to see OM and communicate certain things to him. The last part is about how unhappy you are and how trapped you feel. Ergo, none of the things you had to communicate to OM were real issues or important. Thinking about OM, contacting OM, making moves that could open up the A again (which, of couse, is what they are) is trying to get out of your current situation. So is having a baby. You're not dealing with your unhappiness.

 

Your make your husband sound like a deadbeat who doesn't care about your happiness or fulfillment. I kind of doubt this but even if it's true, he isn't unfaithful or deceitful.

 

I think you're every bit as childish as he says and clamoring for attention. Either you don't care if he dumps you for your actions or you don't think it's possible.

 

Why do you think he puts up with it?

Edited October 21, 2014 by merrmeade

[Mr. Lucky]

It had nothing to do with making him feel better. I needed to get it off my chest. I wanted to talk to him and have him answer my questions, but he wasn't going to go for that, so all that was left was to put my two cents in and tell him what I have been thinking and feeling.

Were I your husband at this point, I'd simply be defeated by the fact that you think this is important. Whistle blown, game over, both sides leave the field.

 

You would not have been able to send the message any more clearly to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NJ123]

Don't let it get you down. Let it be a lesson!

Marriage is not easy but the issue is that of individuals, not marriage in itself.

Actually the positive out of all this is when people share their stories ( whether we agree, disagree, get pissed, cry, want to choke, cheer) it helps to open our eyes to the pitfalls...pitfalls that are the result of human failings. People can make some damn poor choices and have a selfish streak a mile deep...at least by surface appearance. But as I have found, nothing is completely black or white. Yes, wrong is always wrong but when all the puzzle pieces are laid out one can feel a twinge of empathy in regards to the situation or in the least realize if they were in that exact same situation their resolve could also grow weak.

 

I understand that, but I read in some cases where they don't even want to admit to their H or W that they even cheated. Or they seem to care more about their affair partner then their own H or W. It makes me think what if I got married & for one reason or another they have an affair. I might never even find out because it seems a lot of people don't admit it. It's really bizarre & downright scary.

[Spark1111]

IF my fWS contacted his fOW to get get.....what...closure? Months, years after DDAY.....I would be LONG gone...

 

What were you thinking?

 

The issues in your marriage suck, big time. I get it. But contacting your xOM DOES not fix them.

 

As a fBS, I got good and selfish and concentrated on me; my needs, wants, loves.....for a long time. I wasn't sure IF I was staying with him AT all, so I came first, period.

 

If he did not accept that, love me anyways, put his needs second, especially after betraying me, he knew where the door was.

 

I do not understand why you continue to lack the maturity, the patience, to be the bigger person and yet continue to shoot yourself in the foot.

 

healing,from the affair is one issue: Healing issues in the marriage comes next.

 

You contacted the xOM, his former best friend....for closure"????????

 

Are you nuts? needy? Insecure? Ungrateful? Self-destructive? Self-Sabotaging?

 

Hoping to divorce?

 

WHAT are you DOING, LADY?

[bigman1]

okay. You don't need kids in the near future. You need to get yourself together. You are a mess. First, you cheated to fill some void. Now, you have a void and you break nc. Your marriage has a void and you think kids will fill it?!

 

Stop. All the things that you use to fill the void get hurt. You, CM, AP, their friendship. Until you fix you, the same fate awaits the kids. Kids are work, stress, responsibility, and joy. For you, work, stress and responsibility are not good, presently. Kids are a lifestyle, not objectives. Please fix yourself first. A baby can't care for you, it needs you.

[Blackknight]

Your make your husband sound like a deadbeat who doesn't care about your happiness or fulfillment. I kind of doubt this but even if it's true, he isn't unfaithful or deceitful.

 

This is why for many people they should not be offering advice or support to someone who has cheated in the past. I am not sure what makes people think someone's cheating cancels out the negative behaviour or faults of the cheated on. Perhaps it is they want to believe doing wrong is a competition and those cheated on have won the lottery on who has it the worst. Personally, i think if instead of being the selfish humans we want to be everyone, no matter how badly hurt, takes responsibility for their actions. And pain and hurt shouldn't be measured against the other. I think that it would be more productive to be open minded and look at these things as two people with separate issues. CD as someone who had an obsession and therefore should a husband really keep letting her cross his boundaries. Well he has been nailed for it and wants to stay. And him, by this separate from the affair, not exactly marriage materiel. Not and affair and not an excuse for an affair, sitting on the back burner while he plays music and video games with buddies, but definitely a good reason to reconsider the marriage.

[xxoo]

The fact that you didn't go to your husband, directly, and tell him that you are planning to do this instead of betraying him again just shows that you haven't learned the most important lesson.

 

You have proven yourself to be still unworthy of trust. When struggling, you will still betray rather than confronting directly. All the rest is just noise. What will realistically change, if this doesn't change? Nothing.

 

eta...bigman is absolutely correct. Kids will only amplify the problems in your marriage.

[Blackknight]

 

As a fBS, I got good and selfish and concentrated on me; my needs, wants, loves.....for a long time. I wasn't sure IF I was staying with him AT all, so I came first, period.

 

If he did not accept that, love me anyways, put his needs second, especially after betraying me, he knew where the door was.

 

And this is it right here. Self justification for milking victimhood and being me me me. And it is completely wrong and sad. It is sad that people suddenly feel they have a free pass to be selfish in a marriage. I would say if someone actually wants to act like this and not admit it is wrong. Divorce. Because how can anyone truly be happy married to someone who always has to be first or right. Whose needs are always more important. Giving in to that is feeding a selfish monster. Sadly the truly regretful waywards do because they feel they have to out of guilt.

[2sunny]

You obviously haven't had enough consequences to really be sorry for what you did.

 

Go on, be with your OM if he's that important to you!