Friend confessed he is gay, asked me out... How to cut him off without being rude?

[CharlieFox]

So it's really a weird situation, and I don't know how to proceed.

 

I have a friend (well, friend isn't the proper word as we barely speak outside of uni), who always behaved in a very gay behavior (like, stereotypical gay characters from movies), but I didn't try to judge him because of that, and thought maybe he's just acting funny.

 

A few months ago he messaged me that he was indeed gay, and then a few days later he asked if I would like to "go out with him and talk". I told him I'm not gay, and I have no interest in meeting him. He kept texting me and started ignoring him most of the time, but he just kept texting asking about things for university, assignments and stuff.

 

At some point I got really annoyed and just told him, in a very polite way that he is bothering me and I do not wish to communicate with him. He got really, and I mean really offended by that, and left me alone for a while. Recently, he started messaging me on Facebook, again trying to look casual, and I just gave him a few one-word responses.

 

On Monday he again asked me to go out with him. He keeps adding things like "I really like you as a person", "Can't we just talk", "I just like you so much as a person, not like that"... I'm not a mean person, and I want to avoid being rude, but it's like he's almost forcing me to be rude and just delete him and block him.

 

Since we're going to the same uni, it's a given that we will bump into one another occasionally, but I have no problem with that, as he's not very open in communication in person, especially if there are other people around.

 

The problem isn't solely the fact that he's gay and I'm not, but he's exactly the kind of person I want to avoid in my life - he's overly emotional, very, and I mean VERY negative towards everyone and everything, always talking trash about people behind their backs, he's very depressive...

 

I really don't want to judge him, but I want to ask him politely to just leave me alone, and that I do not want him in my life in any way. I think he'll get very offended, and there is no way around it, but I just want to be 100% clear that I want to delete him on my social media and do not wish to speak to him at all. So what is a good way to formulate a message like this?

[Chemist]

So it's really a weird situation, and I don't know how to proceed.

 

I have a friend (well, friend isn't the proper word as we barely speak outside of uni), who always behaved in a very gay behavior (like, stereotypical gay characters from movies), but I didn't try to judge him because of that, and thought maybe he's just acting funny.

 

A few months ago he messaged me that he was indeed gay, and then a few days later he asked if I would like to "go out with him and talk". I told him I'm not gay, and I have no interest in meeting him. He kept texting me and started ignoring him most of the time, but he just kept texting asking about things for university, assignments and stuff.

 

At some point I got really annoyed and just told him, in a very polite way that he is bothering me and I do not wish to communicate with him. He got really, and I mean really offended by that, and left me alone for a while. Recently, he started messaging me on Facebook, again trying to look casual, and I just gave him a few one-word responses.

 

On Monday he again asked me to go out with him. He keeps adding things like "I really like you as a person", "Can't we just talk", "I just like you so much as a person, not like that"... I'm not a mean person, and I want to avoid being rude, but it's like he's almost forcing me to be rude and just delete him and block him.

 

Since we're going to the same uni, it's a given that we will bump into one another occasionally, but I have no problem with that, as he's not very open in communication in person, especially if there are other people around.

 

The problem isn't solely the fact that he's gay and I'm not, but he's exactly the kind of person I want to avoid in my life - he's overly emotional, very, and I mean VERY negative towards everyone and everything, always talking trash about people behind their backs, he's very depressive...

 

I really don't want to judge him, but I want to ask him politely to just leave me alone, and that I do not want him in my life in any way. I think he'll get very offended, and there is no way around it, but I just want to be 100% clear that I want to delete him on my social media and do not wish to speak to him at all. So what is a good way to formulate a message like this?

 

Are you German? haha,

 

No seriously though, you had no problem until he told you he was gay it seems? Or I mean, he is trying to push forward the friendship after he told you he was gay?

 

You could just explain to him why exactly you don't like to hang out with him. Usually ignoring people does the trick.

[CharlieFox]

Are you German? haha,

 

No seriously though, you had no problem until he told you he was gay it seems? Or I mean, he is trying to push forward the friendship after he told you he was gay?

 

You could just explain to him why exactly you don't like to hang out with him. Usually ignoring people does the trick.

 

My parents are German, but I live in England, haha.

 

I didn't have a problem with him before, because we didn't talk much, just casual stuff about uni, joking around with the other guys from the group and stuff.

 

But after he told me he was gay, he's been pushing real hard to talk to me and be my friend.

 

I tried ignoring him, it doesn't work. I just want to be clear that he's really giving me bad energy and I don't like to communicate with such people, even on a friendship level.

[Toodaloo]

Treat this the same way as you would a girl you were not interested in.

 

Explain that he is making you feel uncomfortable by continually asking you out as you are not attracted to him, ergo not interested and explain that he is going to ruin any friendship that you may have had by continually pursuing you.

 

If it carries on use the block and delete functions on phone/ facebook etc.

 

Nothing worse than someone hassling you when you are not interested regardless of sexual orientation etc.

[Chemist]

My parents are German, but I live in England, haha.

 

I didn't have a problem with him before, because we didn't talk much, just casual stuff about uni, joking around with the other guys from the group and stuff.

 

But after he told me he was gay, he's been pushing real hard to talk to me and be my friend.

 

I tried ignoring him, it doesn't work. I just want to be clear that he's really giving me bad energy and I don't like to communicate with such people, even on a friendship level.

 

Ha, I am living in Germany and the whole 'overly emotional' thing is what struck me as being German, lol.

 

Yeah, seriously, tell him that you don't have a problem with him being gay, but you're really not interested in being his friend. That it's his personality, not his gayness. Explain to him that before you knew this, you still wouldn't try to be his friend.

 

I wouldn't change how you were acting around him before you knew this.

[O'Malley]

You're afraid of offending him, but you've already politely but directly told him that you didn't want to be in contact with him, and he's chosen to negate and ignore that request.

 

Never respond to him in any way from now on; it's easy enough to do this online, and it seems that he won't go out of his way to speak to you publicly. If you contact him to let him know (yet again) that you don't want to speak with him, something that he's already aware of, it will just reinforce his belief that repeatedly contacting you will eventually cause you to respond to him. Giving him an explanation about why you don't want to socialize with him is likely only going to fuel the fire.

[Gloria25]

Treat this the same way as you would a girl you were not interested in.

 

Explain that he is making you feel uncomfortable by continually asking you out as you are not attracted to him, ergo not interested and explain that he is going to ruin any friendship that you may have had by continually pursuing you.

 

If it carries on use the block and delete functions on phone/ facebook etc.

 

Nothing worse than someone hassling you when you are not interested regardless of sexual orientation etc.

 

Agreed, straight or gay, the way your "friend" is acting is just rude. He has no right to pressure you into giving him a chance.

 

So, what is he trying to say? That you not liking him is some sort of discrimination against him because you two have different sexual orientations? Pleeeze....

[CharlieFox]

Agreed, straight or gay, the way your "friend" is acting is just rude. He has no right to pressure you into giving him a chance.

 

So, what is he trying to say? That you not liking him is some sort of discrimination against him because you two have different sexual orientations? Pleeeze....

 

Yeah, it's like he's trying to force this notion that it's because I'm such a great person and a lot of people at uni want to be my friends, he's also attracted to that. I have nothing against guy people, and I don't really know how to make this even more clear than it is, but he's just not a person I want to have anything to do with. Way too negative.

[d0nnivain]

I'd talk to him . . . not text or e-mail or anything.

 

Say something along the lines of his new revelations made you uncomfortable & you need some space & you hope he respects that. You would distance yourself from any woman who wanted to date you but whom you didn't fancy so treat him in a similar way.

[dragonfire13]

Honestly, I would just ignore him. If you're gut is telling you this guy is interested in being more than "friends" than all you can do is ignore him, and that will say it all. No need to be rude, if you bump into him keep it short and polite, but keep things moving. I would also block them off all forms of social media.

 

Don't feel bad, I've been in that situation - not so much had a friend of the same sex asking me out, but I've suspected "friends" being interested in something more. They insist they're only interested in friendship... only to make a move. Or get jealous when I talked about guys I was dating. Then, usually drunk, I would get the "why don't you like me back?!?!" guilt trip

[evanescentworld]

Agree to go out with him.

And take a girlfriend along.

 

If that doesn't get the message across, nothing will.

[preraph]

Since he came out months ago and waited until now to ask you out, it doesn't sound like you have all that much contact with the guy. I would handle this generically, like you do when your mother-in-law wants to get too involved in your life: "Can't. I'm busy. Got to run." No excuses or confrontations, no telling him who you're busy with or he'll try to use them to get invited next time. Just keep it vague and ignore most of his communications. Like if you tell him you're busy and he keeps asking for the third time, say "I clearly remember telling you no before. Have you been drinking or something?"

[Standard-Fare]

I'm not reading anything that indicates this guy actually "asked you out." I don't think he did. He confessed that he was gay, and in the aftermath made a few attempts to spend time with you -- as a friend. Whether or not he has ulterior motives, who knows.

 

It was a mistake to jump the gun with the "I'm not gay, I'm not interested" line of response with him, because that comes off as a rejection of him as a gay man who is interested in you romantically. He's been able to counter that by insisting that he's only interested in you as a friend.

 

If your real issue is that you don't want him in your life, period, you need to clarify. Something like, "I know you're not into me romantically, it's not about that at all -- I just think we're not compatible as friends. I'm really sorry but my life is busy and I don't have time to hang out." And after that keep on ignoring/blocking him until he gets the picture. He'll reach that point eventually, unless he's a total stalker.

[Joaquin]

You've every right to chose who you wanna hang out with, date, etc. Yeh he's gay, but he's also seems very pushy and it does sound like he likes you, so you'd probably be best not give him any encouragement.

 

Just stop communicating with him. Any message you send him will trigger a further message from him, and the cycle will continue.