I cheated on my husband.

October 20, 2014

Sorry, but to me it sounds like you've trapped this guy with pregnancy.

Is the baby even his? Are you going to make a paternity test?

October 20, 2014

Read the pinned post about what every WS should know. That was a huge eye opener for my WS.

October 20, 2014

I wish you luck and good fortune, especially now that you're pregnant. This should be a joyous time for you and your husband. However, as someone has already pointed out, right now he's in shock over this totally unexpected betrayal on your part. His sense of self-worth has taken a body blow that he has not recovered from. Beware when the shock finally wears off and fury takes its place. He's already a better man than I am by sticking by you. I would have cut you loose immediately with absolutely NO chance of any kind of reconciliation. By his action he has proved that he is that legendary one man in a million. But, honey, you're not out of the woods yet. I would venture to guess that soon he's going to wonder if he's actually the father of the baby and may ask for a DNA test. Be prepared. I think there's a tempest brewing. I have great hopes that you two can overcome this. Some do, but a lot of people find they just can't deal with it and it winds up in divorce. I truly hope that doesn't happen to you.

October 20, 2014

A lot of great comments here from guys who have been in your husbands shoes.

The confession is a get start, and give you a foundation to start rebuilding trust. However the real and nasty truth of this situation is your marriage has been damaged far more then you can fathom. Slow down on the ILY's he doesn't believe you. Show it in actions, actions are tangible. The deck is going to be stacked against you. This will be the hardest thing you have ever and in the end he may very well just walk away. Be prepared for that.

He will rage in anger, may even call you names. He will pull you in and push you away maybe in the same hour. Its a long process with only a slim chance of working out.

The best thing you can do is never have him question your actions. If you away from home and going to be late call him a let him know. The one thing you don't want is him being alone and doubting your whereabouts. Its now your job to make him feel safe and comfortable remaining in your marriage.

Be humble, open and honest.

October 20, 2014

You have to be patient and realize that for you and especially your husband your marriage will NEVER be the same. He might still love you, but it won't be the same as the love he felt before. He may come to trust you again, but he will never trust you the way he did before. Also I've been told it takes on average 2 - 5 years for a betrayed spouse to get past an affair. Like someone else said, it's a marathon not a sprint.

Your actions will speak far more loudly than your words ever will. And in some ways your words could be working against you. Your husband is asking himself "If she claims to love me so much, how could she have betrayed me in the worst possible way and covered it up for so long??" If I were him, and keep in mind I'm not, I'd want some space. Keep being transparent, keep offering to communicate, etc but I would ease up on the "I love you's", over the top affection, and clingy behavior. For him it's more likely to come off as the desperation of a cheating woman not wanting to be pregnant and divorced than genuine affection.

It's also likely that if he does stay with you I imagine your pregnancy will have more to do with that than anything, which also probably makes him angry. He might even feel you trapped him. Regardless of what he wants he'll be stuck with you to some extent no matter what.

But you do sound remorseful and seem to be doing all the right things so I wish you the best of luck. Just get into some IC to try to figure out why you did what you did and prevent it from ever happening again.

Edited October 20, 2014 by JS84

October 21, 2014

You tricked a guy into getting pregnant. It's as simple as that.

If you reconcile you better pray night and day that he genuinely wants to stay and not out of misplaced honor for the unborn child. If not, there is going to be a ****load of resentment that is going to build up and build up until he finally explodes.

If you are fully committed then hit the books, counseling etc. Good Luck.

October 21, 2014

I have to say, I think you've done a lot right here in regards to your relationship with your H: the disclosure, the counseling, the talking, the journal. So kudos for that and hang in there. You seem like you're on the right track. Although I may ease up on saying "I love you" constantly. Actions are more important, and those words can tend to lose their effect after a while if said incessantly.

My main question: What's become of the OM? You said he's a mutual friend. Has your H addressed him?

This (in bold) is what I was going to say. Saying it too much seems to him to be coming from guilt, not true feelings.

October 21, 2014

I hope you are convinced that this baby is your husbands and not the result of your affair. If he does not ask for paternity test he is nuts.

Never ceases to amaze me thInge people do. Screwing his friend while he is in the next room. I can't even venture to guess what you were thinking.

Would have been much more believable as far as remorse had you confessed before getting pregnant.

Problem is you confessed because of your own guilt, not empathy for him

October 21, 2014

I just do not understand how you could have sex with the OM in your home while your husband slept upstairs. This is beyond my comprehension. I would think that down deep you must have gotten off totally humiliating your husband this way.

I do hope you both have been tested for STD's.

Is it possible that the baby could be from the OM?

October 21, 2014

I so desperately want to be able to help him heal and re-build our marriage but I am not sure how best to go about it. Am I doing the right things?
I look at him daily and realise how wonderful a father he will be and I want us to be able to raise our child together in a loving happy home. I have realised the selfless love he has always given and how so very important he is to me. I know I did wrong and people are right to judge me, but any advice you have on what I need to do to help him through this would be really appreciated.

Don't let this define you. From what I read I see a fantastic woman, and I know your husband is going to feel that down to his bones.

My suggestion is this... keep up what you are doing, but after a time, get him to address the issues on HIS side that made you weak to this as well.

Best Wishes!

October 21, 2014

after a time, get him to address the issues on HIS side that made you weak to this as well.

What issues are on his side that made her weak?

October 21, 2014

I'm left wondering (since your husband is so nice, great and loving):

Would you have cheated on him if he were a real jerk? An alpha male? A man you respected?

I'm really curious if it's often the too nice men that allows that room for wives to cheat?

October 21, 2014

I'm left wondering (since your husband is so nice, great and loving):

Would you have cheated on him if he were a real jerk? An alpha male? A man you respected?

I'm really curious if it's often the too nice men that allows that room for wives to cheat?

Given enough posts and time, you usually just find that WS are selfish, self-centered people. The BS are usually just normal folks, but common theme amongst the cheaters is me, me me. They're either here for sympathy or as a sick, sad way to keep the affair alive in their mind.

October 21, 2014

Oh, wow, gosh. Ouch.

Firstly, I expect judgement for cheating on my husband, yes. But, I won't accept my child being seen as a tool for manipulation. We both decided to try for a baby. The affair was over, I wanted to put it behind me, I had decided to live with my own guilt and not confess to my husband to spare our marriage and him any pain. However, when I became pregnant I became heavy with pain. I would look over at him sleeping and hate myself for what I had done. I decided that I had to tell him as didn't want my baby or my husband to have a liar and cheat in their lives. I understand the pressure he must be under now that I am pregnant but all I can do is strive to improve and change and ensure that our baby knows it is very much wanted. The baby is definitely his, I understand he may have some doubts and have offered him a paternity test.

What I did was despicable and disgusting, I have risked the most important thing in my life and shown him an immense lack of respect as well as for myself. I just want help on how we can overcome this and hope that we can and that we can be happy again.

No body can hate me as much as I hate myself right now. I am crying and distraught all of the time, I know I have brought this on myself, but I have also brought this on my husband and it is killing me. I don't want him to leave, and he says he doesn't want to leave and still loves me. I just desperately want to help him through this.

Edited October 21, 2014 by leabee

October 21, 2014

The affair was over, I wanted to put it behind me, I had decided to live with my own guilt and not confess to my husband to spare our marriage and him any pain.

You are not the first one to take this line of thinking. Old story. Old words. Self-serving and as thoughtless as the rest of your actions. You need to take more ownership and realize you cannot take enough. BUt THIS? This "wanted to put it behind me" - ie, not think about it because it makes you feel bad about yourself - this is NOT unselfish, this wanting to put it behind you. And saving him pain? No one here is fooled. You would have liked to save yourSELF the pain of seeing him suffer. But, yes, you did want to spare the marriage.

You have to stay the course and accept the pain. Too much mea culpa becomes suspiciously self-aggrandizing. Just tell him and feel ****ty. But don't ever, ever think or say to him that you want to put it behind you. He can't, so why should you get to

October 21, 2014

You are not the first one to take this line of thinking. Old story. Old words. Self-serving and as thoughtless as the rest of your actions. You need to take more ownership and realize you cannot take enough. BUt THIS? This "wanted to put it behind me" - ie, not think about it because it makes you feel bad about yourself - this is NOT unselfish, this wanting to put it behind you. And saving him pain? No one here is fooled. You would have liked to save yourSELF the pain of seeing him suffer. But, yes, you did want to spare the marriage.

You have to stay the course and accept the pain. Too much mea culpa becomes suspiciously self-aggrandizing. Just tell him and feel ****ty. But don't ever, ever think or say to him that you want to put it behind you. He can't, so why should you get to

No, I wanted to put it behind me then, when we began trying for a child. And yes I didn't tell him for my own selfish needs, I justified it by saying I had to live with the guilt, websites and forums said, if he's not going to find out don't tell. But, the I had to tell him, yes to get rid of this burden but also so that I can grow, change and improve and become the mother and wife I want to be. I understand that whilst the burden has been lifted it has been replaced with the much heavier burden of seeing him in pain. I deserve this pain and torment, I know I do but the fact is HE DOESN'T and that's what hurting. He's hurting and I have hurt him, he is my husband, I do love him and I just want to help him through this.

As regards to putting it behind me, that it what I told myself when I was convincing myself not to confess. Put it behind you and forget about it. I couldn't, I came clean in an attempt to save, improve and rebuild our marriage. Now it is out in the open, I never want to put it behind me. It must also be there to stand as a reminder as to the gravity of what I have done, the risks I took and the disrespect I showed to the man I love. All of which can not and will not happen again.

I was expecting a lot of judgement on these sights, yes, and I deserve them. But, I was also expecting and hoping for some insight and guidance on how to help us through this as it is what we both want.

October 21, 2014

But, I was also expecting and hoping for some insight and guidance

You have received it already -- be humble, be honest about where you are at all times, stay NC with your OM and of course never cheat again or even get into a situation that might cause him to distrust you (as in working extra hours with male coworkers you talked/joked about lately, etc).

Also, not all of those negative comments are judgement, they are fair warnings what may lie ahead of you. Your husband is a ticking bomb, and no offense but, I highly doubt you two are not going to be divorced.

If you want just a little glimpse of what your husbands reaction might look like, there you go:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/345917-tables-have-turned-aftermath-my-revenge-affair

This is a thread I remember very well because it basically shows you how a good man lost himself when the bomb finally went off. And this reaction came after over a decade and two children. When you play with people's feelings, you play with fire. I hope that during such an 'emergency' you have a good network of family to support you as a single mother.

October 21, 2014

However, when I became pregnant I became heavy with pain. I would look over at him sleeping and hate myself for what I had done. I decided that I had to tell him as didn't want my baby or my husband to have a liar and cheat in their lives.

Something else happened when you became pregnant. He was stuck with you for at least 18 years no matter what you had done. Conscious or not that is another reason you decided to tell him. From the moment you became pregnant you were working with a much stronger hand.

For me not telling him before you tried to become pregnant is much worse than the affair itself.

I just want to give you a heads up. Please be aware that he might be thinking like this and do your best to address it.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Buckeye2

October 21, 2014

Oh, wow, gosh. Ouch.

Firstly, I expect judgement for cheating on my husband, yes. But, I won't accept my child being seen as a tool for manipulation. We both decided to try for a baby. The affair was over, I wanted to put it behind me, I had decided to live with my own guilt and not confess to my husband to spare our marriage and him any pain. However, when I became pregnant I became heavy with pain. I would look over at him sleeping and hate myself for what I had done. I decided that I had to tell him as didn't want my baby or my husband to have a liar and cheat in their lives. I understand the pressure he must be under now that I am pregnant but all I can do is strive to improve and change and ensure that our baby knows it is very much wanted. The baby is definitely his, I understand he may have some doubts and have offered him a paternity test.

What I did was despicable and disgusting, I have risked the most important thing in my life and shown him an immense lack of respect as well as for myself. I just want help on how we can overcome this and hope that we can and that we can be happy again.

No body can hate me as much as I hate myself right now. I am crying and distraught all of the time, I know I have brought this on myself, but I have also brought this on my husband and it is killing me. I don't want him to leave, and he says he doesn't want to leave and still loves me. I just desperately want to help him through this.

This forum can be a really tough place for a new wayward. I'd suggest looking at it as a testing ground for yourself. There are going to be judgmental posters and they'll have nothing productive to offer, except that they may be saying what your husband will be thinking. Your H will likely wonder if his child is his own. He will also wonder if your pregnancy was an attempt to trap him. And even if it wasn't, he's likely to feel trapped. Of course, he won't always think that way. But sometimes he'll ask these same questions and this place can help you prepare your thoughts (and rethink them). One good phrase I see here from time to time about the "advice" is to take what works for you and leave the rest.

I'd also encourage you to keep in mind that we're all anonymous people here. People can rant and rave with their judgment but they can't actually hurt you or affect your life unless you let them. You're just reading opinions. Some of them are worth conversation. Sometimes engaging with the most difficult posters will actually benefit you the most. And some are so ignorant and relentless that you might be best suited by putting them on your ignore list. Sometimes just being able to endure the conversations here makes you stronger. Meant gently, bear in mind that the decision to cheat is typically a decision of cowardice. Instead of facing problems and conflict, a wayward chooses to lie and avoid conflict. Your choice to confess your affair took an immense amount of courage. I suggest you keep up that path. Frankly, I believe it's your confession that demonstrates that you're a person that can be redeemed from this awful mistake because you have the courage and strength of character to correct it. It shows that you're a person worth reconciling with. Stay with that courage.

As for advice in helping your husband, I saw you mentioned offering a paternity test. As I've mentioned before, I think it's best if you are proactive. Don't ask him if he wants a paternity test. Just schedule it. Take the initiative to put that one issue to bed.

On that subject, I also struggled mightily wondering if my children were my own. At the time, I believed my wife's affair was her only affair but with all of the lying, I was never really certain. With my kids, they both have a genetic disorder (a relatively inconsequential one) that essentially proves that both kids have the same parents and I already knew that this OM was not the father. That was enough for me at the time; I had some confidence that another man hadn't sired both of my kids four years apart. But with all that said, I STILL wonder if my children are really my own and it's been over three years since Dday and two since I divorced and I can't imagine not caring for these kids even if they weren't my own. Like your husband, I didn't request for her to do a paternity test. But here I am over three years later and still wondering. My point is...don't ask him. Just know that it's something that can plague him even when he says it won't. Just get it over with.

I was also going to mention "triggers." Certain place, dates, times and so forth can trigger painful thoughts of your affair. For me it was hotels. My wife had used a bunch of them. It's best if you know what triggers him and take steps to either avoid those things or conquer them together. Usually it was just her reaching over to hold my hand or saying, I'm sorry. But it was enough to make me feel like she got it and that we were in it together. It might br good to have a mental gameplan for when these things happen. With entertainment these days, infidelity is everywhere.

October 21, 2014

I like how people keep saying all the things she did right. Those are all overshadowed by what she did wrong. As far as I am concerned, the husband needs to boot her to the curb.

The OP does not "love him with all her heart" like she claims. She sounds sick and manipulative(the baby thing). People really need to stop beginning their posts with "I love this person with all my heart" and then proceeding to write us a novel about why that just flat out isn't true at all. That reminds me of when someone begins saying something with the phrase "Not to sound racist, but.." Well, you KNOW they are going to say something racist. Same thing here, I know whenever I see professions of love it is going to be followed by a bunch of sh*t that contradicts that statement.

But hey, at least she was honest! That sure lessens the betrayal somehow(except no, it doesn't). Also hey at least she admitted the affair before being pregnant, right? No manipulation there.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Spectre

October 21, 2014

I also wanted to add that I believe you when you say that you didn't intend to trap your husband by virtue of being pregnant. I believe that you read lot of advice that told you to carry the guilt yourself and not put the pain on your husband. That kind of piss-poor advice is all over the place and it's a very easy rationalization to buy into. It seems a convincing argument that you deserve to carry the guilt and your husband doesn't deserve to be burdened by you shedding it and hurting him. But it would have kept you a liar, for the rest of your life. Then you really would have "tricked" your husband into staying with you. You would have stolen his choices. And frankly, you wouldn't be a person worth reconciling with if you'd remained a liar. You made the right choice. And if your husband loves you as much as you both say, he wouldn't have wanted you to carry such guilt for a lifetime.

As for the timing, certainly a disclosure prior to getting pregnant would have been optimal. But the time for that option has passed. Just like you can't go back in time and erase the affair, you can't change the timing of your confession either. Acknowledge that it was a mistake, show remorse, commit to not making such mistakes again, and move forward with what you can actually impact.

October 21, 2014

I'd honestly say anyone giving any silly advice like "don't tell someone you cheated because you will just hurt them!" should be put on ignore. That type of advice never helps anyone, ever. Especially given the tendencies for cheaters here to make a post and then ignore most posts and only hone in on the ones they want to hear(like ones that involve not telling) and then these people begin thinking they are doing their partners a favor by lying. Like you could have 20 replies saying to tell, but the one reply saying don't tell will be the one the topic creator replies to.

Anyone telling you to ignore things and keep secrets does not have your best interests at heart. They are mostly just crazy hypocritical people who feel it is totally okay to suddenly begin worrying about anothers feelings only *after* you have betrayed them, because obviously their feelings did not exist prior to the betrayal, they only exist after, because logic.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Spectre

October 21, 2014

As for advice in helping your husband, I saw you mentioned offering a paternity test. As I've mentioned before, I think it's best if you are proactive. Don't ask him if he wants a paternity test. Just schedule it. Take the initiative to put that one issue to bed.

This, and in a similar vein, testing for STDs. (Not sure if that one was mentioned previously.)

October 21, 2014

I like how people keep saying all the things she did right. Those are all overshadowed by what she did wrong. As far as I am concerned, the husband needs to boot her to the curb.

The OP does not "love him with all her heart" like she claims. She sounds sick and manipulative(the baby thing). People really need to stop beginning their posts with "I love this person with all my heart" and then proceeding to write us a novel about why that just flat out isn't true at all. That reminds me of when someone begins saying something with the phrase "Not to sound racist, but.." Well, you KNOW they are going to say something racist. Same thing here, I know whenever I see professions of love it is going to be followed by a bunch of sh*t that contradicts that statement.

But hey, at least she was honest! That sure lessens the betrayal somehow(except no, it doesn't). Also hey at least she admitted the affair before being pregnant, right? No manipulation there.

So, then, why do you think she's here? To gloat? I think we all know she did a f*cked up thing. And she's been pretty articulate in her own awareness of this. It seems like you're cherry-picking the parts of her post that make her an easy target - a punching bag - and ignoring the more constructive parts that she herself is discussing: the counseling, the therapy, the paternity test, etc. Honestly, why do you think she's going into all this detail about her situation with a bunch of BS's?

October 21, 2014

I find it appalling when people bully and insult someone who is pregnant and in pain, self inflicted or not and then heap their unhelpful judgements ontop. Saying this is what her husband will say or thinks does not justify being a bully when called on it. It just is self justification for bullying. If you have nothing helpful to say then ask yourselves why you need to throw stones? What is wrong with you that you enjoy putting others down? This isn't her problem it is yours. You control your hands on the keyboard. She has done nothing to you.

OP, the people who say to be proactive are right. You had a child close to this so I agree with the pat test. But if you can't afford the non risky prenatal one then wait until birth. If there are no demands your H can make of you it will be harder for him to fall into the role of tyrant which will help him heal better.

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