Long Distance, Uncertainty Stage and Grieving a deceased twin!

[foundit_losing it]

Hi all,

 

Early stages of dating and Grieving? Any experiences? Did you shut someone out during a grieving period? Also how long was your 'uncertainty' no contact period?

 

Sorry this is long and boring but I like to put in detail to avoid wrong assumptions etc.

 

I met a guy online and we have a long distance situation going on but the distance is temporary/ won't be for too long.

 

It started off with him pursuing me hard, I wasn't keen and he was persistent. Blow torching as they say.

 

He's a total traditional gentleman - thoughtful, opens the car door, pays on every date etc. He would text me every night to ask about my day and also text me after we parted ways to compliment me and say what a great time he had and how he thinks I'm wonderful, easy to talk to and sexy etc.

 

Even though its only been 1.5 months we have managed to see each other every few weekends or a few weekends in a row and he has pretty much messaged every day except for one two day gap when he went to visit a friend. I have been up to stay with him for a whole weekend and it was comfortable, fun, all so easy.

 

Then two weeks back he told me he was feeling really flat and that he hadn't left the house all day. I tried to press for more specific info but he said he was just feeling flat.

 

I immediately felt that it may be grief/depression as I knew that the anniversary of his twin brother's death was coming up. He doesn't know that I know the date - or that I know that his brother had a very shocking death. He talks about his brother a lot but has never told me what happened.

 

After he told me he was feeling flat he didn't message me again for four days! That was the longest time that I hadn't heard from him so it was a little heartbreaking. I was worried it was over between us or that this was the classic 'guy pull back' period. Thankfully he resurfaced being his usual friendly self as if all was well!

 

I carried on as if nothing had been amiss and we messaged back and forth for another week.

 

Although we were in touch, and making jokes, I felt like there was 'something missing' in his texts. There was no more calling me 'sexy' no more ''goodnight sexy, sweet dreams" type messages - I wondered if he was going through the "uncertainty period" - but when he called and we spoke on the phone, I felt more assured that all was okay with us and we even talked about when we might catch up again.

 

But now I haven't heard from him for 4 days again!

 

It still may be 'uncertainty behaviour' but this time I am sure that it is largely grief and depression at play here as this period of time falls on the death anniversary of his twin brother. I've seen all the friends posting super sad messages and photos on FB etc. Seeing the pics and reading the messages, I nearly cried myself and I never even met the brother.

 

Maybe he is just in so much pain he is shutting me out for a while.

 

I wish I could say something to him but I'm not actually supposed to know the date......

 

Should I reach out and say something that might make him smile - or continue with the no contact - and see what he does?

 

Maybe he is uncertain about me. Does it sound like it may be a grief situation?

 

I find it hard to relate to loss/death/especially something that would be this gruesome and traumatic.

 

If anyone can let me know if they have experienced grief and if they shut people out it would be a great help.

Edited October 20, 2014 by foundit_losing it