FusionCutter Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 There is a lot of pain on these boards. Prevention is the best cure. How NOT to become the OM/OW. -Respect other people's relationships <- If this happened no affair would ever happen if everyone followed this rule -Have the self-respect to walk away if something sparks -Know that you are worth a whole and complete relationship -Understand the point of view of their spouse.. that they are clueless, that they are innocent. -Treat others in the way that you would want to be treated (In view of their spouse) -No matter how 'bad' the Married persons relationship is - it is NOT your job to fix it! Don't feel obligated to "fix" anything... if anything needs fixing, it is yourself. -Do not actively pursue anything related to a married person even if they are coming on to. Resist the urge and temptation and threaten to tell their partner. Be STRONG! -Stop saying that you are a fundamentally a good person. Affairs happen because people make mistakes. Take the responsibility and own up to the fact you played a role in doing something wrong. We all justify our bad behavior because we always think "I am not a bad person." -Learn to see things are they really are, and not what they appear to be, the most important aspect. -Love yourself more than anyone in this world. If this happened, affairs wouldn't happen. -Know that this world has 7.2 billion people. Free free to add thoughts below! 10
No Limit Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 I'm afraid women/men who are too narcissistic to give a damn about others or women/men who are so insecure and have no self-esteem/confidence would never let go of the attention/"love and adoration" source that a married egoist provides are going to read this little advice and never understand it at all. Kudos for the effort though. 2
dragonfire13 Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 This maybe narrow-minded, but I don't understand how people become the OW/OM. If I found a guy attractive but then found out he's in a relationship it's an automatic "turn-off". I lose all interest as I see him as "taken". There's this debate about whether guys/girls are able to be friends, and I can honestly say I could be friends with a guy in relationship because I would never be interested in them. Now, I've had instances where the clingy girlfriend's haven't wanted us to be friends, but that's another story. Also, if I got with someone who cheated on their partner, I would constantly be paranoid that they could eventually cheat on me. 3
NJ123 Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 This maybe narrow-minded, but I don't understand how people become the OW/OM. If I found a guy attractive but then found out he's in a relationship it's an automatic "turn-off". I lose all interest as I see him as "taken". There's this debate about whether guys/girls are able to be friends, and I can honestly say I could be friends with a guy in relationship because I would never be interested in them. Now, I've had instances where the clingy girlfriend's haven't wanted us to be friends, but that's another story. Also, if I got with someone who cheated on their partner, I would constantly be paranoid that they could eventually cheat on me. It's because people are conditioned differently. Some people have absolutely no guilt at all for sleeping with an involved man/woman. Some get off on being able to sway a taken person into sleeping with them. It boosts their self-esteem in some sick way or something. Also, their not the ones who usually have to deal with any consequences since their not the one who's married/in a relationship. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted October 26, 2014 Posted October 26, 2014 I'll tell you this---after being betrayed, after experiencing the pain of discovering the person sleeping next to me, the person I loved with all my heart, who I would have done anything for, had been lying to my face, calculatingly deceiving me and shamelessly smearing my name to all of her friends and family, devaluing my intelligence and sexual prowess, denigrating our intimacy to other people; after following post-break up the chronicled dalliances between said cheaters via his/her social media, I would rather spend the rest of my life sexless, loveless and scourged on a remote island of spiritless lepers than ever entertain the idea, even the faintest suggestion, of disrupting another couple's love life. 8
Realist3 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 There is a lot of pain on these boards. Prevention is the best cure. How NOT to become the OM/OW. -Respect other people's relationships <- If this happened no affair would ever happen if everyone followed this rule -Have the self-respect to walk away if something sparks -Know that you are worth a whole and complete relationship -Understand the point of view of their spouse.. that they are clueless, that they are innocent. -Treat others in the way that you would want to be treated (In view of their spouse) -No matter how 'bad' the Married persons relationship is - it is NOT your job to fix it! Don't feel obligated to "fix" anything... if anything needs fixing, it is yourself. -Do not actively pursue anything related to a married person even if they are coming on to. Resist the urge and temptation and threaten to tell their partner. Be STRONG! -Stop saying that you are a fundamentally a good person. Affairs happen because people make mistakes. Take the responsibility and own up to the fact you played a role in doing something wrong. We all justify our bad behavior because we always think "I am not a bad person." -Learn to see things are they really are, and not what they appear to be, the most important aspect. -Love yourself more than anyone in this world. If this happened, affairs wouldn't happen. -Know that this world has 7.2 billion people. Free free to add thoughts below! So, is that what you did? Did you tell your 'MW''s husband? I must hand it to you. For a 28 y.o. sOM, you sure did grow up really quick and become very resolute in your positions from August when your affair ended. Yous sound more like a BS. 2
Gloria25 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) I also agree in "prevention".... You can avoid people becoming your husband's/wife's OM/OW by: -Choose wisely. I mean, if you try to make a "home" with a dog or a skank, then don't be surprised when they neglect you in the marriage and have affairs. -Treating your husband/wife kindly. -Treating your husband/wife like you two were bf/gfs. -Don't neglect your husband/wife's needs. -Don't pull a 180 once you get married. -Have sex with your husband/wife - even if you two are having petty fights. Never go to bed angry -Don't let yourself go. Work out, grooming, etc. -When problems arise in the marriage, don't look outward, turn inward. -"Grow" together with your husband/wife, don't "grow apart". I mean, people change, but when you make a commitment to another person, not fair to become a "single" person in a RL. Edited November 17, 2014 by Gloria25 1
Author FusionCutter Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) So, is that what you did? Did you tell your 'MW''s husband? I must hand it to you. For a 28 y.o. sOM, you sure did grow up really quick and become very resolute in your positions from August when your affair ended. Yous sound more like a BS. I've been flipping back and forth between telling the BS. I know it's the right thing to do in the bigger picture of things. I have to consider it carefully. What if the news kills him, like he goes berserk, or kills her? That's an extreme scenario, but still. Leaving the situation already took enough courage. To find the courage to tell is a whole new story. It's hotly debated, but perhaps in my situation it's best to just move on and leave ourselves to fix our own problems due to the damage we caused. I have to fix my own emotional issues from this and she needs to fix her own martial issues or personal issues. We can't help each other. I struggled for months and months and things didn't get better until I went to see a professional. We worked out some serious issues. I've had so much pain and struggle through all these thoughts only to arrive at some very simple conclusions about love and respect. It was only until I truly put myself in the BS's shoes and imagined his life with the MW, and knowing the truth from an outsider perspective, did I realize how perverted the whole situation is. I imagined his life and his lie he's forced to live in. There is no gray area.. It's black and white. I read all these forums and see so much heartbreak and it is always all stemming from dishonesty and disrespect from one another. I obviously didn't give a crap about him initially, but as time went on, I began to care about him more and more. Some days I wish he would contact me so I could apologize deeply for the insane amount of disrespect I caused. My feelings are irrelevant and I really should be putting others above my own selfish feelings and desires. We human beings cause ourselves so much pain when we start thinking in gray areas. Some things are meant to be black and white and I believe now it includes the realm of respect and hurting others. There simply is zero justification for cheating. Period. End of story. There isn't a single scenario where it is honorable and selfless. No matter how it's spun, it's simply selfish and cowardly. Edited November 18, 2014 by FusionCutter 1
eye of the storm Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Telling the BS now is only to make yourself feel better. If you got out of an A, stay out. Contacting the BS only puts you back into the drama. If you were worried about the BS then you shouldn't have gotten into an A. You did, you felt bad, you got out. Involving the BS at this point is only for you. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 This past week at my food coop I had an attractive woman flirt with me at the cashier station. That should have tipped me off right there. An attractive woman has no need to initiate flirtation; she already has a list of interested men. Gave her my number. She texted. We met for tea and a long walk. One hour into conversation she admits that she's married. I continued the date, didn't make an issue out of it, hugged her goodbye. The things she told me: he's 20 years her senior, they don't share the same goals, she wants a kid, they sleep in separate rooms---the whole time I was wondering is this what his side of the story sounds like? From personal experience I know how a woman can shape and distort a narrative to fit her emotional needs. One other thing that was rather peculiar: we hugged goodbye and she walked to the left because she indicated that she lived "that way." I walked to the right and a few blocks turned right. So effectively, I was to the East, she was walking to the South. Lo and behold, 10 minutes later she's crossing my path and talking on the phone. We laughed and I tapped her arm in a friendly way. I may be reading into things but she seems secretive and confused. She texted me later in the evening. I didn't respond. Different goals. What on Earth was this woman thinking? The guy is 60 years old. I'm sure 6 years ago he knew he didn't want to have a kid. Now she's tangling herself up with a 38 year old starving artist such as myself. Like I'm going to be a decent care provider? Forget it, this one stinks to high heaven.
cocorico Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 -Respect other people's relationships <- If this happened no affair would ever happen if everyone followed this rule Why should anyone respect a R that the people in the R don't respect? Surely their behaviour defines it as "not a R worthy of the name", informing how others respond? In the same way that we "teach others how to treat us", we teach others how to treat our Rs by the way we treat them ourselves. Don't want anyone dissing your R - make sure it's worthy of respect!
cocorico Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 How to stop others becoming OW or OM - MPs don't engage emotionally, sexually or otherwise intimately with them. Someone can only be an OW or OM if there is a MP (or otherwise "committed" person) who is participating. If MPs kept the love at home, there'd be no OPs.
MissBee Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 (edited) I also agree in "prevention".... You can avoid people becoming your husband's/wife's OM/OW by: -Choose wisely. I mean, if you try to make a "home" with a dog or a skank, then don't be surprised when they neglect you in the marriage and have affairs. -Treating your husband/wife kindly. -Treating your husband/wife like you two were bf/gfs. -Don't neglect your husband/wife's needs. -Don't pull a 180 once you get married. -Have sex with your husband/wife - even if you two are having petty fights. Never go to bed angry -Don't let yourself go. Work out, grooming, etc. -When problems arise in the marriage, don't look outward, turn inward. -"Grow" together with your husband/wife, don't "grow apart". I mean, people change, but when you make a commitment to another person, not fair to become a "single" person in a RL. The difference here is, the work of a good marriage is on two people while the choice to cheat is solely on one person, if two people are supposedly in a bad marriage, how come most times only one cheats and not both? It's an illogical notion that cheating happens because one party is necessarily not doing something right but the cheating party is doing EVERYTHING right. Does this even make sense? No it doesn't. In any relationship I'm in sorry I don't go in with the mentality that I need to do XYZ so he doesn't cheat. WTF?! I can't control his penis. I can do my part in the relationship and he can do his and we can both decide that communication before stepping out is best...but I personally would never encourage anyone to enter relationships thinking they need to do all they can so the person doesn't cheat, when that is a choice that person has to make on their own and where people cheat even when the person isn't doing anything wrong per se. In my own former A, I thought of course something is missing in their R why he's cheating. I asked, he said their relationship is fine he loves her and he loves me too and the two have nothing to do with each other. What do you then say to his betrayed partner in that case when he himself didn't blame her or say she was doing anything wrong in his eyes why he was cheating? Just on a logical level: the choice to become an OW/OM is something you have a lot more control over, as it's strictly about you and you have jurisdiction over yourself so to speak. However, no one can control if their spouse/SO cheats or not just for the fact that most of us cannot fully control the actions of people not ourselves, even your own children, you can raise right and grow them up in a certain way but they can still make choices that you cannot control. No matter what rules one follows to "keep your SO faithful" lol, for the simple fact that they are their OWN grown person at the end of the day, you cannot fully control them or prevent them from doing things. Reminds me of posts where OW are saying the BS controls the MM and I'm like wait huh?! If they control them so much how on God's green earth are they "allowing" them to have an affair unbeknownst to them? Clearly they can't control this person in any all encompassing way and that person has agency to make choices the BS knows nothing about or wouldn't agree with. So that to me is the difference: tips on how to control yourself will probably work better in ANY scenario that tips on how to control/prevent others from doing things. Edited November 19, 2014 by MissBee 1
Gloria25 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 The difference here is, the work of a good marriage is on two people while the choice to cheat is solely on one person, if two people are supposedly in a bad marriage, how come most times only one cheats and not both? It's an illogical notion that cheating happens because one party is necessarily not doing something right but the cheating party is doing EVERYTHING right. Does this even make sense? No it doesn't. In any relationship I'm in sorry I don't go in with the mentality that I need to do XYZ so he doesn't cheat. WTF?! I can't control his penis. I can do my part in the relationship and he can do his and we can both decide that communication before stepping out is best...but I personally would never encourage anyone to enter relationships thinking they need to do all they can so the person doesn't cheat, when that is a choice that person has to make on their own and where people cheat even when the person isn't doing anything wrong per se. In my own former A, I thought of course something is missing in their R why he's cheating. I asked, he said their relationship is fine he loves her and he loves me too and the two have nothing to do with each other. What do you then say to his betrayed partner in that case when he himself didn't blame her or say she was doing anything wrong in his eyes why he was cheating? Just on a logical level: the choice to become an OW/OM is something you have a lot more control over, as it's strictly about you and you have jurisdiction over yourself so to speak. However, no one can control if their spouse/SO cheats or not just for the fact that most of us cannot fully control the actions of people not ourselves, even your own children, you can raise right and grow them up in a certain way but they can still make choices that you cannot control. No matter what rules one follows to "keep your SO faithful" lol, for the simple fact that they are their OWN grown person at the end of the day, you cannot fully control them or prevent them from doing things. Reminds me of posts where OW are saying the BS controls the MM and I'm like wait huh?! If they control them so much how on God's green earth are they "allowing" them to have an affair unbeknownst to them? Clearly they can't control this person in any all encompassing way and that person has agency to make choices the BS knows nothing about or wouldn't agree with. So that to me is the difference: tips on how to control yourself will probably work better in ANY scenario that tips on how to control/prevent others from doing things. I believe there are primarily "two" kinds of cheaters: (1) Dogs and (2) People who are starved. With the dogs, what you said, IMO, applies. A dog can never have their thirst quenched - whatever their reasons are. Sometimes they like the thrill of the chase, experiencing different booty, and/or lack of confidence (so they get constant reassurance from chasing women). People who are starved are held hostage by the marriage if you ask me. They may not want to risk breaking up the family and/or finances - so they stay. Yes, they can probably masturbate and/or get hobbies and wait till the kids are 18, but you can only kick a dog for so long before it runs away or bites back. I'm not saying cheating is right, but some people get pushed. 2
truncated Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) I also agree in "prevention".... You can avoid people becoming your husband's/wife's OM/OW by: -Choose wisely. I mean, if you try to make a "home" with a dog or a skank, then don't be surprised when they neglect you in the marriage and have affairs. -Treating your husband/wife kindly. -Treating your husband/wife like you two were bf/gfs. -Don't neglect your husband/wife's needs. -Don't pull a 180 once you get married. -Have sex with your husband/wife - even if you two are having petty fights. Never go to bed angry -Don't let yourself go. Work out, grooming, etc. -When problems arise in the marriage, don't look outward, turn inward. -"Grow" together with your husband/wife, don't "grow apart". I mean, people change, but when you make a commitment to another person, not fair to become a "single" person in a RL. Let's consider this for a moment... If a spouse does all these things, is basically perfect, then their husband or wife will never stray, will adore them and want to be with them and have eyes/ thoughts/ feelings for no one else, and would never EVER under any circumstances want to be with someone else? Interetsing. So if this is true, then how come mm and mw aren't immediately droping their spouses for the om and ow, whom we all know ( of course) are everything you mentioned plus a whole lot more? Ask any om or ow who is waiting, hope against hope, that mm or mw will leave their sposue for them how that's working out... Oh, I get it. they can't leave because they have other things they have to think about, like the kids, the house, their finances, their life. Seems that being perfect won't keep someone faithful to only you, no matter what ow and om might think. As for the initial post, I think the OP is right that a perosn should value themsleves more than to settle for being second fiddle, to having to accomodate someone else's schedule all the time, to being desperately happy when said perosn gives them even a scrap of attention. They should also value themselves more than to smugly assert to themsleves that wier mm or mw chose them over "wifey" or "hubbY' at home, as if that's what's boosting your self esteem, it's actually quite pathetic. It's also pretty delusional to live in a world where the only meter of right and wrong is yourself- there's another word for a person who thinks thatway, but best not to throw it around here Edited November 20, 2014 by truncated
CrystalCastles Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 How to stop others becoming OW or OM - MPs don't engage emotionally, sexually or otherwise intimately with them. Someone can only be an OW or OM if there is a MP (or otherwise "committed" person) who is participating. If MPs kept the love at home, there'd be no OPs. However, just because a MM is coming onto you, it doesn't mean you have to go along with what he's saying. You are always free to refuse his advances. You don't have to be an OW just because a MM is hitting on you.
truncated Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 However, just because a MM is coming onto you, it doesn't mean you have to go along with what he's saying. You are always free to refuse his advances. You don't have to be an OW just because a MM is hitting on you. Your logic holds true, so long as the person in question believes that affairs are wrong. Some people don't, and they have zero qualms about being involved with a maried person, unkess the negativ impact of the situation affects them.
littleblackheart Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Your logic holds true, so long as the person in question believes that affairs are wrong. Some people don't, and they have zero qualms about being involved with a maried person, unkess the negativ impact of the situation affects them. Quite. And those who do have a modicum of self-awareness / empathy for others feel completely justified in their actions in the name of love, as if this feeling was somehow alien to the betrayed partner.
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