sunshinelove Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) I posted here the other day asking if I should wait for the guy I had been dating to contact me, but I didn't give enough info so now that I have the time I'm going to write a lengthy post and will appreciate any help you guys can give me So, I've been on 3 dates with this guy, our first date went amazingly... lasted 6 hours, went for drinks, and then dinner and conversation just flowed and we just clicked and had a lot of fun. He kissed me after dinner, and I felt the chemistry. The next day he invited me to his birthday party, which I thought was a bit much considering we had only met once and only had one date, but I wasn't feeling well that day anyway so told him I couldn't go. The day after was his actual birthday and he asked me to meet him also, but I was still feeling unwell so we rescheduled for a few days time. We had our second date, and again it lasted about 5-6 hours... drinks turned into dinner, and we had lots to talk about, and he talked about the future how he wanted to cook for me one day, and also mentioned movies we should watch together. Our contact in between dates was mainly initiated by him, but I too had been initiating, but let him do most of it to see how interested he is. We had also been texting every day. In his texting he always says how he's looking forward to see me, or if he mentions a day that I can't make then he says 'oh I really wanted to see you today' etc... I have also let him initiate the dates (do the asking out), but I help him in deciding what to do, and we have also split the bill on every date. On our third date, which was last Saturday, again we had drinks and then dinner and then decided to go dancing after dinner... But by the time we finished dinner I realised it was 11.30 at night and I had to leave to catch my last train home. When I told him this he told me no way, you're coming home with me. I told him I should go home, as I didn't want anything to happen that I would regret.. (I'm not ready to have sex yet, we've only had 3 dates, and even though I really like him I've experienced guys disappearing after having sex too soon, and I don't want him going anywhere!) So he responded saying we didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do... But then I thought, this will be so awkward, I don't want to be a tease spending the night with a guy and not doing anything sexually with him! So I said to him, no I don't feel comfortable I think its best I go home... Then he started to get a bit pissed off, and he said I'm not a bad guy, we are adults, why can't we just spend the night together? I want to spend more time with you, nothing has to happen we can just watch a movie.. So by this point it was getting late, and I thought fine I will take the risk I will go back to his. Throughout the night he was really sweet, kissing me and hugging me, asking me if I was ok... Sometimes the kissing would get quite heavy and I would stop him, before it led to anything more. In the morning I had to leave early as I had already made plans to meet a friend, and he hugged me and told me he didn't want me to leave.. so I told him maybe we could meet later on in the day after I met my friend and he said ok you can stay over tonight, and I laughed and said no (I didn't want a repeat of that night!) and so when I left he kissed me and said we will speak later. I met up with my friend for longer than I thought, and I didn't hear from him so I just went home. In the evening he text me asking how my day was, and I told him it was fun but ran on for longer than I thought, and I asked him how his day was...and he said he was really tired and was just chilling all day. The next day, Monday, I didn't hear from him... and I wondered maybe he thought the whole 'me staying over' situation was weird... So I waited for him to initiate the contact, rather than me reaching out. And also I was slightly disappointed by his reaction when I told him I thought it was best I go home.. But I thought maybe he was just insulted that I didn't think he was a good guy? Tuesday and Wednesday followed and still heard nothing! I thought it was odd I hadn’t heard from him in 3 days, when up until Sunday we had been messaging every day. And on Sunday morning when I left his house he didn’t want me to leave, and he seemed VERY into me.. We had also kind of been taking it in turns to text, although I did let him initiate more than me.. So I figured maybe he was just waiting for me to message him (I did after all tell him I wasn’t going to sleep with him saturday night, so maybe he thought I wasn’t interested in him??) Anyway, so I text him Thursday morning and he replied to my message straight away. Told me he had got back very early that morning from a random road trip with friends. They randomly decided to go on Monday. So it explains the silence for 3 days! (I wonder if I had held off a little longer, maybe he would have text me on Thursday later on in the day?) He then proceeded to send me a bunch of photos from his trip, which I thought was sweet of him, and so I told they were great photos and told him I was going on a road trip myself this weekend. He then asked when I was back, and I told him I would be back Sunday. I then asked him if he had been to the city I was visiting (just to make conversation) and what he was up to at the weekend. He told me he was working saturday but was off on Sunday. And he said he thinks he has been to the city I was going to but wasn’t sure.. So I told him its really beautiful, really arty, has lots of street art, and a river…. Thinking he was going to reply saying yea its beautiful, or at least say hey lets do something Sunday when you return. But nothing, he left me hanging! I thought about adding, do you want to meet Sunday.. but I still feel he should be the one asking me at this stage. Especially because I didn’t hear from him in 3 days, after we had spent the night together (no sex though) Now I feel really lame that the conversation ended like that, with my super lame last statement! Anyway that was Thursday, and I didn’t hear from him on Friday or Saturday! Today's sunday and I'm back from my trip, and was hoping to see him today but I've heard nothing! I am so confused! He seemed sooo into me, messaging me every day.. I’m trying to figure out what went wrong. I’ve had a lot of bad luck with men this year, and he’s the first guy I’ve liked in a long time and I thought he liked me too… Do you think he’s done with this, or is there a chance he will still contact? P.s Sorry this is so long!! Edited October 19, 2014 by sunshinelove
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 His reaction to you not feeling comfortable spending the night after only the third time you ever met him would put me right off. And then trying to make it happen again the following night. I don't think I'd have been interested in seeing him again after that anyway. You already felt pressured and that's likely to increase. Anyway, his interest seems to be cooling off. If you want to see him again, why not suggest a time and place? Then you'll know if he's still into it or not. But I would proceed carefully. He doesn't seem to understand how/why certain situations make you uncomfortable and takes it personally. Not a great sign. 3
rdet123 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 To me just from reading your post he seems like a very insecure/needy guy. When you said you needed to go home that night he should have respected that and not have basically forced you to stay with him. Honestly, I think he is just wanting a hookup kind of thing. He shows all the signs of a player. Being all sweet and telling you the words you want to hear, when in reality it's all talk. I know it's hard when you start to develop feelings for the guy, but you seem like a much better catch than he is. I think you should try to move on and if he wants to talk to you then he will contact you.
Author sunshinelove Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 His reaction to you not feeling comfortable spending the night after only the third time you ever met him would put me right off. And then trying to make it happen again the following night. I don't think I'd have been interested in seeing him again after that anyway. You already felt pressured and that's likely to increase. Anyway, his interest seems to be cooling off. If you want to see him again, why not suggest a time and place? Then you'll know if he's still into it or not. But I would proceed carefully. He doesn't seem to understand how/why certain situations make you uncomfortable and takes it personally. Not a great sign. Well I don't really want to have to initiate contact again, when he hasn't done so for a week and when he left me hanging in our last conversation. I don't really want to have to double text, especially when I'm not sure if he has lost interest.
CharlieFox Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Well I don't really want to have to initiate contact again, when he hasn't done so for a week and when he left me hanging in our last conversation. I don't really want to have to double text, especially when I'm not sure if he has lost interest. He might be sitting around thinking you lost interest too for all we know.
venusishername Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I don't think he lost interest. I think he's been hoping to get in your pants and got frustrated when you spent the night and didn't give it up. (You are right btw, don't go to a man's house at night alone with him unless you're ready for sex.) If that's all he's after with you, then you will find out soon enough... He probably stopped initiating because you're wanting to take it slow and he wants to go fast. I don't see the harm in 'double texting', who cares who contacts who first? Maybe wait another day or so and shoot him a text, set a date and time. In the end, I've realized in the big picture, it's not going to make or break anything by putting it out there 1
Yookie Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 He's doing the slow fade since you wouldn't have sex with him. Let it go. Don't contact him unless you're ok with being a F buddy. 1
Author sunshinelove Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 He's doing the slow fade since you wouldn't have sex with him. Let it go. Don't contact him unless you're ok with being a F buddy. So does this mean he was never interested in me, or if I had slept with him he would still be interested?
IronZ Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Sometimes the kissing would get quite heavy and I would stop him, before it led to anything more. Just going to leave that quote up there. You wrote it yourself, so on some level you should already know what's going on. Him not just suggesting, but insisting you spend the night..... even if you made sure to say it wasn't going to lead anywhere, in his head he probably thought he could get you there. Seems like he was disappointed it didn't lead anywhere so he backed off hoping you would chase him.
Author sunshinelove Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 Seems like he was disappointed it didn't lead anywhere so he backed off hoping you would chase him. Hoping I would chase him, because he liked me or because he only wanted sex? I know we only went on 3 dates, but I'm really down about it, I really liked him! First time I've liked someone in a long time, and where I live its hard to meet new guys, especially guys that have the same interest as me, plus who I get on with, plus who I have chemistry with.... sigh..... You say he would hope I chase him, but I initiated contact, isn't that a form of chasing? Do you think I should reach out one last time, or will that turn him off completely? I really think he's done, if he hasn't bothered to initiate contact at all in a week
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Like I always say, they don't call or text you because they don't want to. There are guys that believe if a woman doesn't shell out by the 3rd date, they are not going to waste their time. Sorry some guys will do or say anything to get sex. He made sure you felt there was chemistry because he knows the game.The red flag is him insisting you stay the night and got pissed when you resisted. He manipulated you by accusing you of not trusting him, that how dare you question his integrity, he's a nice guy, blah blah blah. And you fell for it by caving in. He is a douche stay away from him....he's bad news. 1
IronZ Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Hoping I would chase him, because he liked me or because he only wanted sex? I know we only went on 3 dates, but I'm really down about it, I really liked him! First time I've liked someone in a long time, and where I live its hard to meet new guys, especially guys that have the same interest as me, plus who I get on with, plus who I have chemistry with.... sigh..... You say he would hope I chase him, but I initiated contact, isn't that a form of chasing? Do you think I should reach out one last time, or will that turn him off completely? I really think he's done, if he hasn't bothered to initiate contact at all in a week What smackie9 said is true. There's this common ideology (especially in the US) that date number 3 means sex. Personally I've never subscribed to that sort of thing. I think sex happens naturally when both people are ready, which could take as little as 1 date or sometimes months of dating. Did he back off because he likes you or wanted sex? That I don't know. I don't know this guy. It's up to you what happens next, but if I were you I wouldn't sleep with him just yet.
Author sunshinelove Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 Like I always say, they don't call or text you because they don't want to. There are guys that believe if a woman doesn't shell out by the 3rd date, they are not going to waste their time. Sorry some guys will do or say anything to get sex. He made sure you felt there was chemistry because he knows the game.The red flag is him insisting you stay the night and got pissed when you resisted. He manipulated you by accusing you of not trusting him, that how dare you question his integrity, he's a nice guy, blah blah blah. And you fell for it by caving in. He is a douche stay away from him....he's bad news. But this is what I don't get. I would have had sex with him eventually, maybe even in 2-3 dates more time if things had continued as well as they were before he suddenly stopped. So when you say he would do anything for sex, do you mean for one night of sex and then he would have disappeared after saturday if we had had sex anyway?? Why would he be just after one night of sex if he spent 3 loong dates with me talking and having fun?? Someone explain this to me?
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I'm going to give you the mom talk. Spreading your legs doesn't get a guy to be your BF. A guy that has true intentions would never pressure you, he would respect you, treat you like a lady. He would take his time getting to know you, and wait til you were ready to have sex. If a man values you, wants you, he will never drop off his interest, or ignore you. Get it?
Author sunshinelove Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 What smackie9 said is true. There's this common ideology (especially in the US) that date number 3 means sex. Personally I've never subscribed to that sort of thing. I think sex happens naturally when both people are ready, which could take as little as 1 date or sometimes months of dating. Did he back off because he likes you or wanted sex? That I don't know. I don't know this guy. It's up to you what happens next, but if I were you I wouldn't sleep with him just yet. Well how can I sleep with him, if I haven't heard from him in a week? Should I just ask him what happened?
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 But this is what I don't get. I would have had sex with him eventually, maybe even in 2-3 dates more time if things had continued as well as they were before he suddenly stopped. So when you say he would do anything for sex, do you mean for one night of sex and then he would have disappeared after saturday if we had had sex anyway?? Why would he be just after one night of sex if he spent 3 loong dates with me talking and having fun?? Someone explain this to me? By letting him know you wanted to wait, meant you were wanting things to be serious first, exclusivity, commitment. Obviously this was not what he wanted. He just wanted to hook up or like one of the other posters mentioned, a f buddy. So he bails on you.
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Stop thinking you did something wrong, you didn't. This guy is a player, and he has you hooked. Like I said if a guy really had an interest in you, more than sex, he would want to see you again because he actually likes you. Stop being in such denial, the guy was going to use you.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Stop thinking you did something wrong, you didn't. This guy is a player, and he has you hooked. Like I said if a guy really had an interest in you, more than sex, he would want to see you again because he actually likes you. Stop being in such denial, the guy was going to use you. Yep. OP, if he were interested in more than sex, you'd have heard from him about setting up another date. I would cut my losses and move on.
Diezel Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 He's a clinger who just wanted sex. And by accepting his invitation to go to his house, he thought there was hope. He didn't want you to leave because he thought he still had a chance at having sex with you. His insecurity probably flared up massively. I know you are bummed, but at least you found out these things before having sex. If I were interested in you, I'd be asking you out. Just because he is on a road trip, doesn't mean he doesn't have access to texting. I bet the whole road trip was probably an excuse for his silence too. Maybe he realized he'd only invest minimally in you and was waiting for you to ask him out. Whatever the reason is.. I'm willing to say you dodged a bullet.
Author sunshinelove Posted October 20, 2014 Author Posted October 20, 2014 (edited) I just figured that maybe someones intentions are just to hook up initially, but when you spend 3 long dates with someone (6 hours long each), have fun, have long conversations, have chemistry, have many things in common/can talk for hours, are affectionate and playful with one another, have similar, backgrounds, values and beliefs, are very attracted to one another,etc.. Then you would become interested in something more?? I know I don't know him that well still, and that he was a bit of an ass trying to get me to stay with him, but I haven't met somoene I've felt this way about in a long time, or quite possibly ever?! Out of all the guys I've dated, or even long term relationships, and guys I've been completely obsessed with, this guy trumps the lot of them... Am I a fool if I reach out again, despite him leaving me hanging in our last conversation? I'm pretty sure he's talking to another girl/or even banging another girl now, but I'm afraid that maybe theres a chance he wanted to see more initiation on my part, or am I being very blind/foolish now? Btw, its not like I would never have sex with him, I just wanted to wait and be sure he wasn't going to disappear on me before I did! And its tough, because him lying next to me kissing me really really tempted me. ( I have a really high sex drive, and I had to touch myself thinking about him almost every night this week! - crazy I know, sorry if too much info!) Edited October 20, 2014 by sunshinelove
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 I just figured that maybe someones intentions are just to hook up initially, but when you spend 3 long dates with someone (6 hours long each), have fun, have long conversations, have chemistry, have many things in common/can talk for hours, are affectionate and playful with one another, have similar, backgrounds, values and beliefs, are very attracted to one another,etc.. Then you would become interested in something more?? I know I don't know him that well still, and that he was a bit of an ass trying to get me to stay with him, but I haven't met somoene I've felt this way about in a long time, or quite possibly ever?! Out of all the guys I've dated, or even long term relationships, and guys I've been completely obsessed with, this guy trumps the lot of them... Am I a fool if I reach out again, despite him leaving me hanging in our last conversation? I'm pretty sure he's talking to another girl/or even banging another girl now, but I'm afraid that maybe theres a chance he wanted to see more initiation on my part, or am I being very blind/foolish now? In short, yes. That would be foolish. He knows how to contact you if he wants to. He's the one who applied inappropriate pressure on you, and somehow you feel like the bad guy? No. This isn't about a lack of initiative on your part. You set your boundaries and he tried to break them down. That isn't good. And I don't think spending a few hours together necessarily means he was looking for more than something casual. Lots of people get along well and have sex with someone whom they have not intention of forming a serious relationship with. Remember, he hasn't reached out. That is telling. I wouldn't contact him again.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 I just figured that maybe someones intentions are just to hook up initially, but when you spend 3 long dates with someone (6 hours long each), have fun, have long conversations, have chemistry, have many things in common/can talk for hours, are affectionate and playful with one another, have similar, backgrounds, values and beliefs, are very attracted to one another,etc.. Then you would become interested in something more?? I know I don't know him that well still, and that he was a bit of an ass trying to get me to stay with him, but I haven't met somoene I've felt this way about in a long time, or quite possibly ever?! Out of all the guys I've dated, or even long term relationships, and guys I've been completely obsessed with, this guy trumps the lot of them... Am I a fool if I reach out again, despite him leaving me hanging in our last conversation? I'm pretty sure he's talking to another girl/or even banging another girl now, but I'm afraid that maybe theres a chance he wanted to see more initiation on my part, or am I being very blind/foolish now? Btw, its not like I would never have sex with him, I just wanted to wait and be sure he wasn't going to disappear on me before I did! And its tough, because him lying next to me kissing me really really tempted me. ( I have a really high sex drive, and I had to touch myself thinking about him almost every night this week! - crazy I know, sorry if too much info!) And guess what? He did. Not boyfriend material.
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