JuneJulySeptember Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Why is that ironic? People who have multiple kids are probably laid back, like lots of chaos, etc. Take life as it comes; let go of control. True fact: you can't pick your kids' personalities. You have to roll with it. People who've reached the age of 40 without a spouse or kids have, and likely enjoy, a lot of control over their life and the people in it. It makes sense to me that they'd be very picky about who gets their time and attention, especially since they may enjoy their peace a quiet alone just fine. Why? Because if you have children to take care of (assuming dad is a deadbeat), then it helps to have someone who is responsible and caring, and makes some $. There is a timetable and an endgame. I can understand why a woman with multiple kids would be picky. As I mentioned before, if you don't want kids, who really cares who you date? The endgame is not on a timetable. Go for some companionship and see how it ends up. Couple that with the fact that if you are over 40, none of your friends/family care who you date if you don't want kids. If it ends up being horrible, just end it and you're no worse off. If you just love being alone, well then that's a different thing.
Anela Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Women at 40 are more likely to think a child/family will fill that gap, and I don't necessarily think they are wrong. The women I know like that are very shrewd and responsible, and a child is a responsibility that will keep them occupied for many, many years, with somebody by their side or not. There are a lot of women who are smart enough to not have a child, just to fill a gap. Most women feel a longing that can't be fixed by anything else, when it comes to those who want children. 3
GemmaUK Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I think you are right on about that. I think the reason is because their social network and activities they are used to (guys/hitting on women/beer/sports/outdoor activities, etc) have dissipated so, even though they don't want kids they think a serious relationship will fill that gap. Even if they can just laid and have flings on a somewhat regular basis at that age, it doesn't fill the gap enough. Women at 40 are more likely to think a child/family will fill that gap, and I don't necessarily think they are wrong. The women I know like that are very shrewd and responsible, and a child is a responsibility that will keep them occupied for many, many years, with somebody by their side or not. The thing is we do all need something/s that make us happy/occupy our time/make us smile etc. To put all of that pressure onto someone you are dating IMO is wrong. I love my hobbies, I love my work, I also love my free time to watch a movie or do whatever. Just because I am not with the guy I am dating or in contact with him doesn't mean he is not there in my mind....but if I don't have a life for me I am just going to be dependent on him for happy times. I want a guy to 'add to' my life and make it better. not to 'sort it out' as that would be unfair on a guy and I would smother the hell outta him if I thought that way. 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I actually think women at 40 without kids are less likely to have that gap, thus they are viewed as "selfish" and not wanting to sacrifice their active social life with friends to make room for a boyfriend. Are you 40+ and single with no kids? I live around the 'coolest' city in the world and while it is possible to have a somewhat thriving social life being single and 40+, it is difficult. You need to hustle and make new friends. And not that I don't love my friend's kids, but hanging out with your friend's kids when you don't have kids is booooring. It also gets old being the third wheel after awhile.
Emilia Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 An interesting question to me is, if you are SURE you do not want children, how does that change the dynamic of dating for you? Things are different. Timetables and biological clocks are thrown out the window. How much your mate makes doesn't mean as much because you'll have no child to take care of. If I were a woman in that situation, then I would just date any guy and see where it goes. At that point, dating is kind of like life experiences, like trips, since you are under no pressure or time constraints. Ironically, I have found that women who do not want children are pickier than women who have multiple kids. I'm financially independent so I don't care how much a man makes as long as he can support himself (ie I'm not looking to be anyone's mum, especially not if he is younger) but an adult relationship is still important. The main issue is that I don't want kids and marriage and a lot of good guys do. So I can't just date in a carefree way unfortunately since I care about the connection. After reading the forums here I'm far less likely to sacrifice things like many women do who want children: I probably wouldn't move to another country or have a huge lifestyle change because I want someone that fits into my life just as much as I fit into his. Not looking for a provider. It's not easy.
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 There are a lot of women who are smart enough to not have a child, just to fill a gap. Most women feel a longing that can't be fixed by anything else, when it comes to those who want children. Having a child changes you and is a beautiful thing even if you do not find the ideal man with which to make that happen. But in a larger sense, life is about filling gaps until we die. People want to have company and be happy and there are different ways to accomplish that. Having a family has traditionally been one of those. 2
xxoo Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Are you 40+ and single with no kids? I live around the 'coolest' city in the world and while it is possible to have a somewhat thriving social life being single and 40+, it is difficult. You need to hustle and make new friends. And not that I don't love my friend's kids, but hanging out with your friend's kids when you don't have kids is booooring. It also gets old being the third wheel after awhile. The woman irc described as "selfish" seems to have a different experience. Her life is full with her friends and work, and she doesn't want to sacrifice that for marriage. From what I see with women around me, that's not uncommon. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 The thing is we do all need something/s that make us happy/occupy our time/make us smile etc. To put all of that pressure onto someone you are dating IMO is wrong. I love my hobbies, I love my work, I also love my free time to watch a movie or do whatever. Just because I am not with the guy I am dating or in contact with him doesn't mean he is not there in my mind....but if I don't have a life for me I am just going to be dependent on him for happy times. I want a guy to 'add to' my life and make it better. not to 'sort it out' as that would be unfair on a guy and I would smother the hell outta him if I thought that way. Yea, if you are 40+ and happy alone, then great. I would say, however, that the majority of people are not. And that yes, having something like a spouse or family could neatly fill in that gap. And there is nothing wrong with that. I don't believe all the psychology mumbo jumbo about being totally fulfilled in your life before finding a mate. If you were totally fulfilled, then you would never need a mate, and why bother even looking for one?
preraph Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I'm way past 40 so not including myself in this category but just wanted to add, since I used to moderate a childfree board, that you have to be careful, mostly if you're a man, dating women even with grown kids who live in the same area because of grandkids. Unlike when I was young, these days working mothers often make the grandmother care for their children while they work or go out, which is a lot of hours to have kids under the roof. Where I live now, this is standard practice. This was rarely the case when I was growing up. So if you're in the same vicinity dating a mother with grown children, regular babysitting can get out of hand. Now, of course, the woman you date, being single, probably has a job, but that doesn't mean she won't get the kids dumped on her the hours she's home. Also, be sure to ask if the grown kid lives at home, because so many of them never leave the nest these days. 1
Author irc333 Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, maybe he was actually just pushing things too fast for her and it added up into pressure and just scared her off! This is what I find with men with no children in their forties - those I have met so far appear to think a relationship is some kind of a 'solve all' in terms of company and happiness. Like a RS is going to be the thing that makes them and keeps them happy. Guys who have children appear way more relaxed (in general - aside from the guy who wanted to move in with me - he is a known fruitloop by many I have since learned! ) about dating and know that the person they are dating needs time and space just like they do. Guys who have life experience and have learned from it are the same..they know that 'good things come to those who wait' . I know so many guys my age who act like they did in their teens/twenties pretty much, they might have a job but it's a job and they don't really know how to bond with people nor look after themselves, nor take responsibility for themselves. A woman my age really doesn't want to become a second mum to a 40+ man who can't use an iron or cook a good meal aside from standard spag bol while leaving the kitchen in a heap! This actually happened with 2 men she was previously engaged to. She admitted she had a problem. So obviously she recognized that and intended on changing. As far as the rest of your post about being a "2nd Mum" and guys who can't learn how to take care of themselves, I don't think it had to do with my post about the twice engaged, non-committal woman. Where she lives, a rather rural town, people live a lifestyle it being focused around their wives/husbands and children. I'm sure at one time they've lost touch with "Hang out" friends like this one I posted about as this is the natural course of life. That's how I came across Meetup.com...all my friends co-habitated and got married and lost touch. Sure I might get an occasional Facebook "like" or comment from them, but that's about it. lol
Author irc333 Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 Yea, if you are 40+ and happy alone, then great. I would say, however, that the majority of people are not. And that yes, having something like a spouse or family could neatly fill in that gap. And there is nothing wrong with that. I don't believe all the psychology mumbo jumbo about being totally fulfilled in your life before finding a mate. If you were totally fulfilled, then you would never need a mate, and why bother even looking for one? Usually those that have run through the gambit of nasty relationships of cheating partners as patterned throughout their lives...as they age, they tend to find being single appealing as opposed to those who have not. Me, I am not desperate, but I do admit there are times when I'm not happy about being single as I know many feel the same way..that's why you see them on dating sites. And guess what, there's nothing wrong with that.
Author irc333 Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 The woman irc described as "selfish" seems to have a different experience. Her life is full with her friends and work, and she doesn't want to sacrifice that for marriage. From what I see with women around me, that's not uncommon. Though it wasn't work that was taking up her life, but you make a good point. I mean why not shave off 10 hours off the 60 hr work week in order to make time for someone special? I mean, seriously, what would they be missing out on? Funny, this also brings to mind how women HAVE lived this kind of "career driven" lifestyle, only to wind up on POF to say they've done away with said career to live the life of a receptionist or a small store they've opened up to come and go as they please and they are "NOW ready for someone special.
Author irc333 Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 Also, when dating a single parent. You're having to compete with ballet recitals and the cliche'd soccer games/practices. I recall one woman I tried to date. She was in a town about 30 mins away and never left the borders of that city much but only when to run errands and such. Her Ex was in a subdivision closeby. They alternated weekends with their teenaged daughter, however the daughter had an active social life (was popular in school) so she had a lot of friends come over. Her mother lived in an apt complex, the father in a house, but the apt complex had a pool...so sometimes, even though it was the daughter's turn to be at the dads...the daughter would sometimes choose NOT to be at the dad's house (even though it was his turn) because she would invite friends over for a pool party. That being said, the mother's weekend was shot, because she had to stick around to supervise...even though it was the father's turn to have the daughter.
xxoo Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Also, when dating a single parent. You're having to compete with ballet recitals and the cliche'd soccer games/practices. I recall one woman I tried to date. She was in a town about 30 mins away and never left the borders of that city much but only when to run errands and such. Her Ex was in a subdivision closeby. They alternated weekends with their teenaged daughter, however the daughter had an active social life (was popular in school) so she had a lot of friends come over. Her mother lived in an apt complex, the father in a house, but the apt complex had a pool...so sometimes, even though it was the daughter's turn to be at the dads...the daughter would sometimes choose NOT to be at the dad's house (even though it was his turn) because she would invite friends over for a pool party. That being said, the mother's weekend was shot, because she had to stick around to supervise...even though it was the father's turn to have the daughter. Yep, the kids will come first. But a woman who really wants to see you will make time for you. She'll say "no" to the pool party and tell her daughter to go to dad's house if she's really into a guy. No doubt. 1
GemmaUK Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 You sound a bit annoyed that these women are not available to you right now. Are you generally annoyed with women and their views? It appears so. Why do you want to date women if you don't like us? 1
Snaggletooth Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Again. Ideally. But in practice, things work a lot different. A guy who dates a single mother but does not end up marrying her could possibly take her out and do things for her when her ex husband is a total d@uche. Maybe even buy things for the kids. Even after they break up, he could be a good friend and help her out when she needs it, and show her fun times, even if they are not together. Does this sort of thing happen? Hmmm. Again, life is not clean and exact. If it were, then she'd still be with the first guy. Dating is not always an endgame. It can be part of cumulative life experiences. Exactly. In my case I very briefly dated a single Mum of a 12 year old boy. Turns out the father died when the boy was a bub and the Mum had been on the bottle and seeking the comfort of men ever since. The kid was lonely, basically raising himself and suffered with depression, so I ended up taking him under my wing for his teenage years while the mum sobered up and sorted her life out. I didn't date at all for those six years in order to give him some stability. Now in his twenties and flew the coop years ago but if over tired or drunk he'll send a soppy message calling me "Dad", then get all embarrassed about it. Funny, "Dad" and I never even slept with his Mum. It's pointless setting rules to life, you never know who or what is round the corner.
Mysterio Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I am 43. I was born in March of 1971. I still feel young at heart. Other than striving for good health at my age. I still feel young at heart. I am not desiring having kids. Yet if I met a woman and she wanted kids. I don't think that I would be a tough guy and say no. I don't want to have lots of kids. With the way tech is now a days. I expect to live till my early 90's/late 80's. So I have a lot of life to live. One thing I see hear and on other message boards. Its feels like a lot of us are semi sad that we don't have a mate. I remember when I was a kid, surrounded by girls my age 15 to 24 or so. I could care less. I have friends that are married, yet I never really feel so out of the loop with them. My thing is that as log as we are on the same page with our lives together. I would be open to it. Now if I was 50. I would think about having a vasectomy. Its funny. I would be more bothered by not having a love life over having kids. Yet my women friends. Come off to me that not having kids would be harsh for them. Once again. It really is going to depend on the woman I eventually settle down with.
Author irc333 Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 One thing I see hear and on other message boards. Its feels like a lot of us are semi sad that we don't have a mate. . Right, I mean, people aren't going into severe depression about being single, but when the holidays come around and you see couples out and about holding hands and so on, it can get a bit troublesome. I recall being invited to a married friends part at someone's house...just a BBQ, I was the ONLY single person there. Some attractive wives, which just left me a bit sexually frustrated. lol I didn't stick around long, played a game of horse shoes and that's it. Of course, you can keep yourrself occupied with activities, hobbies, projects, etc. but when your head hits the pillow at night, that's when you realize there's no one lying next to you.
guest569 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Regardless of how old their existing children are.. Say 18-30 and independent. They will always be their children and you will become their step parent so i feel like there should be some sort of bond or commitment to them also. If you're going to marry into the family that is.
Mysterio Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) IRC 333. I hear you. I guess I am built differently. I try to go out and even if I don't have my friends with me. I yearn for that intimate connection. Yet I think its just a matter of time for all of us. Its not like I have had nothing for years and years. Its just that we change so much that I guess its hard for some of us, to sustain a love relationship. Even Friendships change. When I see all those couple hand holding and what not. I just feel like most of them are in honeymoon mode or lust mode. There are no problems at the moment with them. So its not like I see all of them as this big love thing. The thing is that I think in this era of life. A lot of us are so looks orientated and its brainwashed us to expect someone to always look great. You need that, but as you grow older. Being treated well is more important. On the other hand. I would not want my lady to just let herself go and have chin hairs or unshaven legs. Or even me have ear hair, when a simple grooming of 5 to 10 minutes a day can be implemented. I just wish sometimes that I was able to go a day with out thinking about being in love and having some special lady in my life. I notice for myself. At least when I do get a woman into me romantically. Its better if they come towards me than I towards them, as the relationship seems more stable. I don't know why that is. Plus another thing is that I notice that people are in this position, be they married or not. 1. You like the good/bad SO and they don't like you romantically. 2. You like them and they like you romantically and its mutual. 3. They like you romantically, but you are not into them. Its usually pattern 1 and 3 that are the most prevalent. Not 2, yet I think 2 is the most stable of them all. From a guys point of view. Its better to be 2 but thats also the hardest to be. I find most people are changing every couple of months. No one stays the same. Edited October 19, 2014 by Mysterio
thefooloftheyear Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 Yep, the kids will come first. But a woman who really wants to see you will make time for you. She'll say "no" to the pool party and tell her daughter to go to dad's house if she's really into a guy. No doubt. A friend of mine that was divorced recently and has no kids is running into this problem...I just think at the end of the day, its best that people wirh small kids pair off with mates that also have small kids..This way when the events come up, rather than the childless one left holding the bag, that other person can spend time with their own kids.. TFY
dj572 Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 I just turned 40 and I don't have kids and don't want any. I was 35 when my wife left and when I started dating again I couldn't find anybody that didn't have kids already or didn't want kids. I dated a couple of women with older kids but I quickly realized I could never live under the same roof with them. It's not their fault I know that but I can't help how I feel. I have only met 2 women my age that didn't have kids and said they didn't want kids. One of them ended up pregnant and the other one doesn't want to date anybody anymore. I have decided it is easier to not even try to date anymore. 1
FitChick Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 OP should get a vasectomy and make that known to any women who are hoping to find a sucker to pay for their late life baby.
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