Is it wrong to keep people "on the hook"?

[limesoda]

The phrase seems to have been made popular by How I met your mother, but is basically the act of keeping a guy/girl around in your life, doing things that are somewhere between friendship and relationship/dating either for favours, maybe an ego boost, company or whatever - and then discarding them at the first opportunity where someone else comes by.

 

Is it wrong? I think a lot of us will have been there. My ex room-mate recently tried to date someone at work for the past six months. They got on really well, slept together (once) early in their "friendship" and when he told her his feelings she backed off but wanted to keep him as a "close friend". They still hung out regularly and were very couple-like - out till 3am on friday nights together, feeding eachother at a restaurant (!!!), texting all the time (20-30 a day) and the weekend after she essentially rejected him, she invited him round and cooked him lunch. It was all a bit odd but went on for a few months but predictably she became very cold a fortnight ago - slowed down the texting and eventually said she felt uncomfortable about the whole thing, felt bad about sleeping together (6 months ago) and now he's trying to block her out of his life. She must have met someone she wants to date.

 

Was she in the wrong? I'm not sure if she intentionally kept him 'on the hook'. She did tell him she didn't want to form a romantic relationship and we tried to convince him to cool things off then which he did not. On the other hand looking from the outside-in they both very much acted like a couple and I don't blame the dude for thinking he could change her mind because what they were upto seemed to be more than just friendship. We've all been there.

 

Ultimately though I think it comes down to communication. I don't like people giving the "lets be friends" chat and then completely ignoring the same person xyz months down the line because that's not how you treat your friends or people close to you. I don't like people going cold and deliberately going ghost abruptly. Be honest and upfront I say. Don't be an ass over text messaging, at least have the decency to do things face to face especially if you've clearly had some kind of chemistry with someone (as my room-mate and his lady friend did).

 

It's that poor communication right at the end that makes me think this woman is a bit of a bitch but I'm not sure if I'm right to think that or just saying it to make a friend feel less down int he dumps. Any thoughts?

[Ami1uwant]

In general it's wrong to do. The only time this works is if both sides agree to this and basically be f buddies.

[d3sigN8t3dDruNk]

Speaking of someone who has been led on before, yes, its absolutely horrible. One of the worst things you can do to a person in a relationship. Even tho its quite common, its also really insensitive and such an ******* thing to do, is stay with someone until you find someone else. If you are that unhappy, cut it off. Period. Don't do that to people. You can ruin someones dating life by doing this stuff.

[tripped]

Speaking of someone who has been led on before, yes, its absolutely horrible. One of the worst things you can do to a person in a relationship. Even tho its quite common, its also really insensitive and such an ******* thing to do, is stay with someone until you find someone else. If you are that unhappy, cut it off. Period. Don't do that to people. You can ruin someones dating life by doing this stuff.

 

Agreed, sometimes one person (the guy in your example) "knows" that things aren't going to work, but by the person they have feelings for giving them the feeling of being in a relationship, it makes it impossible to have a healthy dating life. Then not to mention the massive trust issues that come from that abruptly ending and the feeling of being discarded like a play thing. It makes you feel sub-human.

[CharlieFox]

Sadly, I have been a subject to that (a girl leading me on exactly like that for over a year), and I gotta say it's terrible.

 

No doubt some people do it intentionally, but I'm inclined to believe that most (like in my case) do it because they're not sure what they want.

[CharlieFox]

Then not to mention the massive trust issues that come from that abruptly ending and the feeling of being discarded like a play thing. It makes you feel sub-human.

 

Yeah, that part definitely hurts a lot. Like, the person is telling you sweet things, like how much you mean to them, and how much you make them happy, and how they miss you, and how you're so unique and they haven't met anyone like you, and then at the end of the day just leave you like you meant nothing and easily throw you away from their live.

 

It's very easy to fall into that trap when you have feelings for the person, and when it ends the frustration stays with you - did they really mean all these things, why would they say something like that if they didn't want you around, why is it so easy for them to just discard you like that, etc.

[Maleficent]

If the person on the hook knows he/she is on the hook; nothing wrong there.

 

If the person on the hook thinks the relationship is going somewhere or 'on the hook status' was never revealed, then yes, it's very wrong.

[smackie9]

This is why I say you CANNOT ASSUME you are in a serious relationship unless exclusivity is discussed and both agree this is what they want, along with discussing expectations and boundaries. If you don't do any of this you only have yourself to blame.

[Maleficent]

This is why I say you CANNOT ASSUME you are in a serious relationship unless exclusivity is discussed and both agree this is what they want, along with discussing expectations and boundaries. If you don't do any of this you only have yourself to blame.

 

I disagree.

 

While I agree you shouldn't assume you are in a serious relationship before having that conversation, I think if a person has you 'on the hook' or isn't serious about you, they really should let you know.

 

Relationships involve two people and both people are responsible for making their intentions clear.

[RebelWithoutACause]

No. It is perfectly fine to use people for your own validation, entertainment or other purposes until you need them, then, as you so elegantly put it, "discard" them as soon as you don't anymore. Perfectly fine.

 

(sar-ca-sm)

[smackie9]

They only have you on the hook if they knowingly do it....it's called being played. But if one thinks it's casual, and the other wants it to be serious, then the person that wants it to take it to the next level should be the one to speak up. Why I say that? because in the beginning, getting to know someone, is casual, until feelings get involved. I have stepped up, and have made my intentions clear many times, and yes a few times it resulted in me ending things.

[todreaminblue]

I dont think its right to ghost out of someones life......not if you consider them a friend.....its often why men and women cant be friends after being intimate..........i am friends with my exes.......but theres no intimate one on one dates......i think you have to have firm boundaries.....one of my exes sleeps on my couch.....but he has been around while i have dated others...ours is a platonic friendship i also have seen him date others...theres no jealousy.so it can continue as a friendship......i hav efound guy friends i have fade out when i date a guy....that shows me exactly what they want..i dont fade out on guy friends.......but i do let them go..deb

[No Limit]

It's disgusting. Haven't been lead on yet, but I do feel sorry for those who fall for that stuff. On the other hand, I hope that after experiencing it one time, those people learn from it and are more attentive in the future.

[limesoda]

They only have you on the hook if they knowingly do it....it's called being played. But if one thinks it's casual, and the other wants it to be serious, then the person that wants it to take it to the next level should be the one to speak up. Why I say that? because in the beginning, getting to know someone, is casual, until feelings get involved. I have stepped up, and have made my intentions clear many times, and yes a few times it resulted in me ending things.

 

yes I think it's difficult though. The dude here piped up but got knocked back and got loads of "we should stay friends", "We'll be really close friends", "i just want a friend" chat. That's fine but they stayed really close, probably got closer actually (nothing physical though). Tried to convince him for his own sanity that it probably was best to cool things down a bit but he didn't want to/couldn't. The weekend after he spoke up and got knocked back she invited him round and cooked him dinner, they went out on nights out together, dinners, still texted loads, when she was on holiday she sent him photos every day....it was all a bit odd for me and question at the time was whether she was genuinely enjoying his friendship or just keeping him on the hook. I dunno? It was only after she suddenly out of the blue went cold that I thought she was keeping him around till something better came along. She wanted all the boyfriend-type relationship until she found someone she actually wanted to have something longer term with and discarded him straight away. Back of the mind I think he always thought he was in with a shot (his fault or hers I dunno) and then to have it cut suddenly really hit him.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

It is wrong but I feel like you always kind of need that fall back person.

[Jame22]

I don't like people giving the "lets be friends" chat and then completely ignoring the same person xyz months down the line because that's not how you treat your friends or people close to you.

 

I disagree with this. I'm more annoyed when someone gives me the "let's be friends" lecture and then continues to talk to me when they know I want more (this has only happened once and I'm still butt hurt about it.)

 

If I've made it clear that I see you as a potential partner and you don't want to date me I want you out of my life. You're not my friend.

 

Yes it's wrong, but it's also partly the dude's fault for sticking around after being disrespected.

[Cristo]

Take it from the source it comes from.

 

I've had girls do this to me in the past. Looking back, they were trash anyway and actually did me a favor by showing their true selves relatively early in our relationship.

 

These days, mixed messages from a female is a red flag to me and I drop her immediately if I see things like that, especially since I'm looking for something long-term, not casual.

[limesoda]

I disagree with this. I'm more annoyed when someone gives me the "let's be friends" lecture and then continues to talk to me when they know I want more (this has only happened once and I'm still butt hurt about it.)

 

If I've made it clear that I see you as a potential partner and you don't want to date me I want you out of my life. You're not my friend.

 

Yes it's wrong, but it's also partly the dude's fault for sticking around after being disrespected.

 

Yeah I don't fully disagree with you. This dude should've cooled off after being rejected but didn't and kept hanging out with her a lot. I'm not sure whether she was actually making it out as if there might be a chance of something happening or he just kept hoping. I think the answer is probably somewhere in the middle as I've certainly never see a guy/girl be so relationship-like without actually being in a relationship.

 

What I was referring to in your quote however is people not having the decency to say "we should stop hanging out so much" but instead ignoring someone completely or coming out with some rubbish. It might be difficult and ultimately being apart might me the right thing but there are decent/correct ways of going about it. Here, this couple hang out loads, she rejects him, they hang out even more for two months and then out of the blue she ignores him randomly. Weird and not nice, in my opinion

Edited October 26, 2014 by limesoda

[Georgia2014]

I think it is unfair/wrong. No one has a good reason for playing with someone's emotions by keeping them on the hook as a backup plan. It shows the user has no regard for innocent people's feelings.

[Gloria25]

Ok,

 

She "did" tell him that she didn't want to date him...where I think she went wrong is continuing to interact with him "as if" they were dating (i.e. staying out till 3am, texting, all the time).

 

I also think he should have taken some responsibility here too. Cuz, even though she wanted to hang with him, she did say she didn't wanna date him. So, if she invites him to go out he should have given her a "thanks, but no thanks".

 

We can't control other people's actions - but we can control ours.

 

Actually, yesterday I watched a Dateline episode of Hispanic chick that reminded me so much of myself. She got out of the Army and was going to school, she was tough, sweet, worked to help/inspire her family, "struggling" a bit with dating, and had a male roommate.

 

Well, the roommate killed her. She was asking him to move out cuz he lost his job and couldn't pay his share of the rent...so, on top of her rejecting him, she wanted him "out" of her life. Well, IMO, where she went wrong was thinking she could live platonically with a guy. Worst they "hung out" (went on vacations together, out to eat, clubbing, etc.)

 

I don't play that. If a guy is coming on to me and I'm not interested romantically in him. I don't try to spend time with him as if he was a girlfriend. Some people can't handle that.

[Georgia2014]

Ok,

 

She "did" tell him that she didn't want to date him...where I think she went wrong is continuing to interact with him "as if" they were dating (i.e. staying out till 3am, texting, all the time).

 

I also think he should have taken some responsibility here too. Cuz, even though she wanted to hang with him, she did say she didn't wanna date him. So, if she invites him to go out he should have given her a "thanks, but no thanks".

 

We can't control other people's actions - but we can control ours.

 

Actually, yesterday I watched a Dateline episode of Hispanic chick that reminded me so much of myself. She got out of the Army and was going to school, she was tough, sweet, worked to help/inspire her family, "struggling" a bit with dating, and had a male roommate.

 

Well, the roommate killed her. She was asking him to move out cuz he lost his job and couldn't pay his share of the rent...so, on top of her rejecting him, she wanted him "out" of her life. Well, IMO, where she went wrong was thinking she could live platonically with a guy. Worst they "hung out" (went on vacations together, out to eat, clubbing, etc.)

 

I don't play that. If a guy is coming on to me and I'm not interested romantically in him. I don't try to spend time with him as if he was a girlfriend. Some people can't handle that.

 

I agree with you completely.

 

On the woman on dateline I think her dating life sucked because of her male roommate. Men probably didn't feel comfortable dating her because of that. A guy once contacted me the messages were great then we went to texting the texting was great. Then he told me he has a female roommate that he claimed was like a sister. I cut it off with him his female roommate was a big turn off. He also was active in her kid's life. It felt to me like it was an open relationship he had going on with her.

[Gloria25]

I agree with you completely.

 

On the woman on dateline I think her dating life sucked because of her male roommate. Men probably didn't feel comfortable dating her because of that. A guy once contacted me the messages were great then we went to texting the texting was great. Then he told me he has a female roommate that he claimed was like a sister. I cut it off with him his female roommate was a big turn off. He also was active in her kid's life. It felt to me like it was an open relationship he had going on with her.

 

Yeah, I agree cuz I think like the OP's situation and the Dateline chick, they lean on the platonic guy to fulfill their needs that they weren't getting in dating. Cuz, she was seeing a couple of players. The roommate was "o'l" faithful.

 

Trust me, I've had times I thought of doing like Sex and the City and getting me a gay friend so I could run the streets with him w/o the pressure of dating him...but, like I said, I can't do that to a guy knowing he may want more with me.

[smackie9]

yes I think it's difficult though. The dude here piped up but got knocked back and got loads of "we should stay friends", "We'll be really close friends", "i just want a friend" chat. That's fine but they stayed really close, probably got closer actually (nothing physical though). Tried to convince him for his own sanity that it probably was best to cool things down a bit but he didn't want to/couldn't. The weekend after he spoke up and got knocked back she invited him round and cooked him dinner, they went out on nights out together, dinners, still texted loads, when she was on holiday she sent him photos every day....it was all a bit odd for me and question at the time was whether she was genuinely enjoying his friendship or just keeping him on the hook. I dunno? It was only after she suddenly out of the blue went cold that I thought she was keeping him around till something better came along. She wanted all the boyfriend-type relationship until she found someone she actually wanted to have something longer term with and discarded him straight away. Back of the mind I think he always thought he was in with a shot (his fault or hers I dunno) and then to have it cut suddenly really hit him.

Yes and no. A lot of people drop their friends when they meet someone to begin with. It's also difficult to keep that kind of friendship when you get a BF/GF. No BF/GF wants to hear about his woman/her man having her guy/girl friend over for a movie night alone together, etc. It's a no brainer you just can't have that closeness anymore.

 

So this is why I say have defined boundaries when going into a friends zone. Guys who accept the cuddle bich status in hopes something will get a relationship out of it, should also accept they are taking a big risk and to stop saying they were led on or used when she does get a BF.

[Jame22]

What I was referring to in your quote however is people not having the decency to say "we should stop hanging out so much" but instead ignoring someone completely or coming out with some rubbish.

 

Silence is the best option. Any form of communication is going to keep the rejected person hanging on. It may suck at first but it's best in the long run.

[Diezel]

The problem for men in this scenario is that we are continually told to ignore a woman's words, but look at her actions.

 

In his spot, wouldn't you think, "Oh, she's just saying that, but she keeps acting like she wants to be my girlfriend, so we'll just keep doing this until she decides she wants to."

 

It's a false hope.

 

I've seen relationships that started like this and ended up in happy marriages.

I've seen relationships that started like this and imploded horrendously.

 

In a world were we are told to "Fight for what you want." if someone, anyone gives you an indication that they don't want to be that serious in that life, but then don't act accordingly, you are going to ignore the clearest verbal signal and just hone in on all of the rest.

 

As people (men and women), we can't tell someone that we aren't serious and leave at that, but then act as if we were. It IS wrong and it is misleading and it is toying with people's emotions. The worst part is whoever is doing it will eventually be able to fall back on the "I told you we weren't serious" portion of it and ignore everything else that speaks to the contrary.

 

As Cristo said, I have enough experience to know that if a woman speaks one way to me about being non-committal but then acts opposite to what she is saying, this presents a huge, waving red flag and I am better off not falling into this.