Odd behaviour

[Nyx001]

Ok this somewhat complicated for bare with me. A while ago (just over a year and a half) I met this guy online (he's 30 and I just recently turned 29). I will say this. I have an extremely hard time connecting with people and finding those I actually want to talk to as I'm somewhat on the Autism spectrum and can't relate to many people (yes I have friends but I can only tolerate them for so long and a lot of the time when I'm with a group I'll be saying nothing because I just can't relate or have no interest in the topic). So when I find someone I actually do connect with, can talk to for hours every time and want to spend a lot of time with that is rare and very special. He seems to be the same way and has told me repeatedly he usually gets bored of other people. I mean I have connected with some men (most of my romantic relationships have been mostly sexual but a few have bee more. I can get emotionally attached) but I have never known anyone who I was so alike. I cannot even begin to describe it. It's insane. So we talked for 6 months. Things died down. I was never sure if he liked me because he never told me or gave me the signs. We never met in that time (he was going through a major life change and didn't want to get involved with anyone). He was so busy with his new career and talking about moving away so things just fizzled plus I was getting really frustrating with not meeting (he had suggested it multiple times yet never made actually plans with me). I was kind of a bitch to him the last few times we talked so maybe he figured I wasn't into him. Some time went by then I ended up dating someone for 6 months and then it ended and I contacted him. He had since moved away. We have been talking for over 4 months now. He has said to me that he was very intrigued and happy that I got in touch with him again. We finally met a few months ago when he was around visiting family. It was only for an hour and I wasn't sure what he thought of me. He didn't flirt with me in person but it was our very first meeting so I wasn't expecting anything especially when he had never flirted with me over text before. Day after we meet he is telling me how I look better than my photos and he's shocked at how good looking I am in person. He says I'm an incredibly attractive nerd (I am a nerd FYI) and that's so rare and awesome to find. I tell him I wasn't sure if he was interested in me and he's like "HELL NO! I totally am!" So starts the flirty talk and the revealing of feelings... It never gets very 'sexual' because he says he doesn't like talking like that with a chick because he doesn't want to give her the wrong idea. Says he isn't looking to just hook up and hopes we will end up together. He is going to be moving back out here after he finishes school where he's living now. They just pay a lot more there than here and he's saving up. He says he's going to come out and see me for a few days. We both book time off work and make plans. It is about two months away that he is coming. He continues to flirt with me and tell me how he's excited to see me. Say how much he likes me, yadda yadda. Tells me he is going to kiss me. We talk about getting a hotel just so I don't need to make the hour drive to where he's staying every day and he says he isn't going to try anything (though how many guys will say that and not mean it...) . And then he finally comes here and I go to hang out with him for the weekend.

 

Ok this is where is gets weird. He acts like we're just friends! No kisses, no getting close (I did notice when we went to a crowded cafe and people and staff were walking around him he looked VERY uncomfortable. I'm the same way but I like being close to people I like!), no cuddling. Nothing. When we are on the bed at the hotel he's sitting on the very edge, stiff as a board. I'm thinking he might want to cuddle when we go to sleep. NOPE. Laying stiff as a board practically falling off the bed. No moves. Nothing. During the day he made some comments that made it feel like he didn't like me. I was telling him about this kid I used to babysit who added me to facebook (he's just out of high school) but since I don't like talking to kids I don't chat with him. He says "I don't care". But not in a "Oh it's ok if you do" type tone. More of a "Hah I don't give a damn what you do as I have no interest in you anyway" tone. I also made a joke that I need to go buy a belt as mine broke and my jeans might fall off and nobody wants to see that (I was of course kidding) and again in that jerk "I don't give a damn about you" tone he says "Yeah they don't". This coming from a guy who was previously going off in texts about how hot he thinks I am? How awesome he thinks my body is?

 

So I'm trying really hard to let it all go and see how the next day go. But things kept bugging me all day about how he was being and the bed was the last straw. I was going to calmly ask if everything was ok and if he still liked me. But by the time I worked up the courage he had fallen asleep. I was unable to sleep because I was so upset so I was texting a friend. She suggested I just cuddle up to him because maybe he's shy. I didn't want to be that forward so I just inched a little closer towards him, He'd move around on the bed a bit and we'd get fairly close. Then he's like he'd know we were close and wake up and automatically back away from me. Retreating to his secluded spot. Turning his back to me. He had talked at length over text about cuddling me so I have no idea why he acted this way.

The next day, running on no sleep and being upset I got a bit angry. For me getting angry is the only way to avoid crying. I asked me if there was any point in us hanging out for the rest of the weekend. He said I could do what I want. I told him I wanted to continue with our plans but it just seemed like he didn't have any interest in me anymore. He says he has no idea why I'd think that but if I felt that way there was nothing he could do. I tell him the things he did during the previous day. He says "MAYBE he acts a bit distant" but he doesn't think there's any problem. And he goes "Oh because I wasn't that forward? If I've been forward with girls before they always expect sex and I told you I didn't want anything to happen". He NEVER said that. Not once. I asked him what kind of 'girls' these were and he says "Very immature ones". He has told me before about a girl getting him drunk to have sex with him and then him telling her to leave part way through because he didn't feel like it. I asked how why he was comparing me to them by assuming I'd be the same way. He has nothing to say. I tell him I'm sorry for how I reacted in the morning and ask what he wants to do and he says he doesn't know. He's silent then finally he says I can drop him off at his families's house for a few hours and then we can hang out and do an activity we had planned for the weekend. I pick him up later and we do that activity. It was fine. We talked. It seemed to be much better and we had fun. It was only for an hour though. When we are done I ask what his plans are for the rest of the day and he says he is going to go back and hang out with family more. I'm let down because we had talked about spending the WHOLE weekend together. I had asked him if he was coming to spend time with family and he said no, he was coming to see me. So he cut things short. When I drop him off he tells me to give him a hug and that he'll talk to me later. I text him just saying hi that evening and he see the message (the app we use to talk tells me he does). I wait a few hours then ask him if I totally ruined things. He sees it but no answer. Few hours later I say I'm not sure what the issue is but I think I deserve enough respect for him to talk to me. Nope. That is 6 days ago. I wrote him an email 3 days ago explaining to him that how he talked over text and how he acted in person was very different and thus confusing to me. How I cannot possibly know anything about females in his past and he can't just expect me to read him mind. If he's shy, out of practice or just isn't feeling a spark it is better to just tell me rather than expect me to know what is up. If he does like me but doesn't want to jump into having sex there are ways to tell someone you don't want to be too physical too soon without making them feel like you are totally rejecting them. I told him I like him a great deal but I cannot put up with someone who leaves me in the dark and expects me to know why they may act a certain way with no explanations. I don't want to just forget about everything and I want to give him a chance but I deserve enough respect to be properly communicated with. I told him he doesn't need to respond ASAP and if he doesn't feel any connection with me to simply tell me. Not leave me hanging. He hasn't said a word to me. He has said before if he didn't want to talk to me anymore he just simply wouldn't. I asked him not to do that. I need someone to actually tell me they don't want to speak to me. I stress out too much and I get violently ill when I'm stressed. My body literally can't handle it. And I cannot just forget about someone.

 

But why is he that way? I suspect sexual abuse in his past (he's told me there are things about his past he will never tell me). Though I've experienced sexual abuse and I want still want nothing more to be close to someone I like, but he seems to be terrified of it (while talking about sex the little bit we have he says he likes it. This isn't some weird religious thing. He's an atheist. He also doesn't have a girlfriend and was feeling 'guilty'. I thought maybe he did before since we weren't meeting but I'm positive he doesn't. He just seems to think sex belongs in relationships. I also know he isn't chatting up other chicks. The duration and times of the day we've talked wouldn't allow it and he's not like your normal male. He says he hasn't cared about dating for a long time, yet he said he wants to date me. He doesn't go out to the bars or anything like that. He only cares about working and getting further in his career. He seems almost completely socially inept and unaware of how his actions effect others much like someone with Aspergers. Though I don't think he has it. I think it's where he was before that made him this way). Though whether or not he has experienced abuse why can't be realize his behaviour in person is NOT the behaviour of someone who is romantically interested in someone else? That his text vs real attitude are night and day.

Edited October 18, 2014 by Nyx001

[FitChick]

Actions speak louder than words. Maybe he is a virgin. Ask him.

[Gloria25]

No one likes to be pressured into doing anything...

 

So, just because he doesn't have sex on a dime, he must have been sexually abused?

 

Not all men are horn-dogs...Even guys who go for casual RLs want to have "some" sort of connection with a woman they are gonna get naked with.

 

BTW, if he really does have a "hang-up" about sex, the way you appear to be going about it sure isn't gonna make him open up to letting him explore his sexuality with you.

[smackie9]

Too much to read, I'm out.

[Nyx001]

Too much to read, I'm out.

 

 

Then don't ****ing reply.

[Nyx001]

No one likes to be pressured into doing anything...

 

So, just because he doesn't have sex on a dime, he must have been sexually abused?

 

Not all men are horn-dogs...Even guys who go for casual RLs want to have "some" sort of connection with a woman they are gonna get naked with.

 

BTW, if he really does have a "hang-up" about sex, the way you appear to be going about it sure isn't gonna make him open up to letting him explore his sexuality with you.

 

 

You obviously didn't read what I wrote. This had nothing to do with sex. Why are you wasting my time?

[Nyx001]

Actions speak louder than words. Maybe he is a virgin. Ask him.

 

No he's not. He obviously has some serious social issues. You don't talk to someone the way he talked to me and then act like how to did in person. Mind you many people are in shy in person vs online but this was far beyond that. I'm pretty sure the place he was before screwed him up. I don't really want to get into that but he went through a lot of bad stuff.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but for whatever reason, he's appears to have lost interest. He might have enjoyed your company but not have felt any chemistry when you met in person and didn't want to give you the wrong impression by cuddling with you in bed. If that is the case, then yes, he should have just been honest and told you that.

 

I would not contact him again. No more texts and certainly no more emails. I understand you are frustrated and upset, but sending an email like that is only going to make the problem worse. He has chosen not to reply, so unfortunately there's not much else you can do. Just don't beat yourself up for it.

[Nyx001]

I'm sorry OP, but for whatever reason, he's appears to have lost interest. He might have enjoyed your company but not have felt any chemistry when you met in person and didn't want to give you the wrong impression by cuddling with you in bed. If that is the case, then yes, he should have just been honest and told you that.

 

I would not contact him again. No more texts and certainly no more emails. I understand you are frustrated and upset, but sending an email like that is only going to make the problem worse. He has chosen not to reply, so unfortunately there's not much else you can do. Just don't beat yourself up for it.

 

 

We already met in person before though. I think he's upset that I called him out on his behavior which was not normal. Though when we first met I was unsure if he liked me. But after our conversations got to how they were I was sure he would be different when we met again. We were also very tired that day since we had both gotten little sleep the night before. I told him I understood if that was the case. I asked him point blank if he just didn't like me anymore and he said point blank "I have NO idea how you got that impression". And all I sent him was a few texts and that one email. I put the ball in his court.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Nyx001

[heartshaped]

I think, for sure, whatever the case may be he is giving you the blow off.

 

For whatever reason, he seemed very odd and strange around you in person and the whole thing sounds as if it didn't go that well at all.

 

I don't think you are going to get any sort of response from him and it's really hard to say one way or another what caused his past or current behavior.

 

I would focus on moving on.

[Nyx001]

I'm sorry OP, but for whatever reason, he's appears to have lost interest. He might have enjoyed your company but not have felt any chemistry when you met in person and didn't want to give you the wrong impression by cuddling with you in bed. If that is the case, then yes, he should have just been honest and told you that.

 

I would not contact him again. No more texts and certainly no more emails. I understand you are frustrated and upset, but sending an email like that is only going to make the problem worse. He has chosen not to reply, so unfortunately there's not much else you can do. Just don't beat yourself up for it.

 

READ THIS ONE. I don't know what is wrong with thing thing that it won't let me edit.

 

We already met in person before though. I think he's upset that I called him out on his behavior which was not normal. Though when we first met I was unsure if he liked me. But after our conversations got to how they were I was sure he would be different when we met again. We were also very tired that day since we had both gotten little sleep the night before. I told him I understood if that was the case. I asked him point blank if he just didn't like me anymore and he said point blank "I have NO idea how you got that impression". And all I sent him was a few texts and that one email. I put the ball in his court. I just want to know why he could drop everything. The way we connected... we were practically the same person. I have never connected with anyone that much before in my life. I could not forget about him after a year and a half... I dated other people and he kept on popping back into my mind. We have said again and again that it's unreal how much we relate to each other. He said he usually gets bored talking to of people but wakes up every day looking forward to speaking to me. We even started having the same dreams! You have no idea... He talked about us moving in together when he moves back here and wants me to wait for him (a year or two).

 

He has told me before that in the past when there was any sort of a hiccup with a girl he'd run. He's never dated anyone for over a month. He said he's regretted some of those times he's run and I hope that meant he had matured past that. I admit my reaction to him wasn't the best and I apologized to him. Maybe he was feeling if I felt that way I don't like him and instead of fighting he's doing his thing by running.

 

Though like I get he could have just got felt a connection the second time (though with how tired we both were I think it would have been impossible for pretty much anyone to connect. Though we had some definite 'moments'. I told him I was sorry if it was just about him being tired) but I REALLY think it's more than that. Anyway I told him if he doesn't feel a connection just to tell me and that I would accept that as knowing is better than wondering. I have given him every opportunity to just be honest yet he refuses to even talk. And we ended our time together on a good note which makes this even more awkward.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Nyx001