Just got back with ex, but worried he's lying to me

[rawrrxlaurr]

Okay, so I just got back together with my ex who in the past has a history of lying to me about whether or not he has smoked weed because it was an issue for us.

 

 

After breaking up, he moved back in with his Dad and brother who both smoke constantly... so I figured it would be hard for him to be around it without indulging at least a few times. Anyways, in our "get back together" talk I told him that it's not an issue.. if he chooses to do it, it's not something that is going to end our relationship. I just want honesty if I ask him about it. So, he claims he has not done it since the last time he told me about it. However, when he came over the other day to talk I had a bad sinking feeling that he had smoked a little while before coming over. I can just always tell by his eyes, even if he's used visine, and just his overall demeanor.

 

 

I asked him and he denied it. Then tonight he asked me to send him a funny face selfie, so I did and he made it his phone background, then I asked for one from him and he said "I'll work on it. You might need to take it mine always come out blurry".... I just can't shake this bad feeling that he is still lying to me and hiding smoking from me...

 

 

I don't know if I am just crazy, if too much trust was broken or if my intuition is right... advice?!?!

[whichwayisup]

You're back together with your ex - you know he's a pot smoker and isn't going to give that up. You can continue to ask him and he'll lie to you about when and how often he smokes pot, accept that he does it, or end your relationship with him. Depends on what you can and can't put up with. Just know the more you bug him about it, it'll create tension and resentment on his behalf, and you'll trust him less and less as he hides it from you..That ruins relationships.

 

How old are you all?

[rawrrxlaurr]

I don't bug him about it. He quit for a long time when we lived together, but now that he's back living at his dads he's around it all the time, and instead of him putting up a front and trying to appear a certain way to me I just want him to be honest if he does do it.

 

 

I'm 24 and he's 25. He has changed a lot, but I know it's something that he enjoys doing occasionally, I just don't want to be kept in the dark or have things hidden from me like in the past.

 

 

And I don't know if the trust issues are repairable. Because I can't shake the feeling that I'm being lied to. Even though I'm probably just blowing it out of proportion.

[Arieswoman]

rarrrxlaw,

And I don't know if the trust issues are repairable. Because I can't shake the feeling that I'm being lied to

.

 

He's a pothead.

 

You know he's a pothead.

 

He has no incentive to change that.

 

So he behaves like a pothead.

 

I just want him to be honest if he does do it.

 

You might as well ask the sun not to shine.

 

Studies show that the mental functions of people who have smoked a lot of marijuana tend to be diminished. The THC in cannabis disrupts nerve cells in the brain affecting memory.

 

Why do you want to be with someone who is stoned half the time?

 

This guy is cheating on you because he has another relationship, and it's with a drug. Do you want to be second-fiddle to his addiction?

 

I don't know how more clearly I can spell it out.

 

If he really wanted a relationship with you he would get clean and stop sending all those $$$ up in smoke.

 

It's your choice.

[whichwayisup]

I read your other thread. You two broke up less than 2 months and now you're back together. Those issues you had with him are still there, people don't change overnight, if at all.

 

Stop asking him if he is smoking pot. Assume he is high most of the time. If you ask and he says no, then on some level you're setting yourself up for a fall because it's easy to tell (and smell) if he is stoned.

[rawrrxlaurr]

Yeah. I guess you're right. Just sucks.

[leavesonautumn]

You said it's okay if he smokes weed and it won't end your relationship but it also sounds like you do have an issue with it.

 

Speaking as a former pothead; does he lead a normal, healthy life on top of smoking weed or is he lazy, unmotivated, not working, etc? I still occasionally smoke weed but I have a professional job and lead a healthy lifestyle. There's a huge difference between the two but I can understand why it would bother you if he is not being honest about it.

 

Is there more that you are worried about beyond just him smoking weed?

[rawrrxlaurr]

Well he currently does not have a job. And hasn't for the past 4 months. And a big part of that was he was going through a lot emotionally due to the fact that he quit smoking. And I supported him financially. I know that it's important to him to not be a lifestyle pot smoker.. but I know he's surrounded by it and everyone around him has adapted it as a lifestyle, not just as recreation. I don't care if he does it, I just want him to be honest. He says he's not even tempted anymore, and as much as I want to believe that I can't help but feel he's only telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

[rawrrxlaurr]

It's not the weed that worries me, but that our "fresh start" could be based on lies. And I just want to be with someone that's honest with me and themselves.

[leavesonautumn]

Sorry to say but I think your feeling about it is spot on.

 

He's not a bad person, he's not trying to intentionally hurt you but he is choosing to take part in something that is not really healthy in regards to where he's at in this life. If it's that easy to access, he isn't working and he is surrounded by people who view it as a lifestyle, I think he is at least smoking occasionally and doesn't see an issue with it. I dealt with an ex who lied in regards to an addiction but it's not black and white. They can love you with all of their heart but also want to protect you from what they're doing and being hurt. It sucks, I know.

[rawrrxlaurr]

Yeah it does. I just wanted honesty. After everything, just tell me what's going on in your world truthfully.