Sad Flower Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Last night my ex husband (whis is still my best friend) and I made a comment to eachother, I don't even really remember how it came up but this is what was said and has got me to wondering..... I said Just because someone cheats doesn't mean there is an actual problem in their marriage/relationship sometimes they do it because they simply can He begged to differ, he said No, there always has to be a SOMETHING missing which makes someone look somewhere else to get that fulfilled I think all situations are different when someone cheats but I strongly believe some people are happy but simply do it to just do it. He is a very argumentative person, I could of sat their going back and forth with him all night..... I just wondered what LS folks thought???????
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Something is missing with those people, aright: if it isn't in the relationship, its in themselves. They might be happy in the relationship and the relationship is fine, but still be missing something within themselves which causes them to perceive problems where you may not see them, and it subconsciously drives them to do what they know will sabotage the relationship. I think its pretty rare for someone who is perfectly happy and stable to do it "just because they want to" in an otherwise good and happy relationship. Would it be possible that a perfectly happy man in a stable and loving relationship with his wife would just arbitrarily be tempted and fall to a piece of good-looking strange? Possible, but not probable. He may be tempted, but what bumps him off the fence would be the justification that he gets when he considers the problems in his relationship. Considerations that cause him to weigh the benefits/risks and choose in favor of himself. I think a lot of the time, there are problems in the relationship that you may not see: because they are problems that are perceived only by your partner, and that you yourself are blind to. That's why so many people are floored when a partner cheats on them and tells them how unhappy they are. Just because you are happy, and do whatever you can to make your partner happy, doesn't mean your partner will be happy with you and what you are doing. Sometimes you can be "the world's greatest and most flawless wife" and your husband will still be unhappy with you for whatever reason. Sort of hard to tell someone who has done no apparent harm that you aren't happy with them, and in fact had to find solace and fulfillment elsewhere - so sometimes it is just easier to say 'there was no reason' than it is to tell them otherwise.
Author Sad Flower Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 mostly brain Not Always..... Actually my XMM, told me about a few things wife did in the bedroom that I would never do or have never done, so I don't think that is always the case....unless he lied, which is quite possible! They might be happy in the relationship and the relationship is fine, but still be missing something within themselves which causes them to perceive problems where you may not see them, and it subconsciously drives them to do what they know will sabotage the relationship. I think a lot of the time, there are problems in the relationship that you may not see: because they are problems that are perceived only by your partner, and that you yourself are blind to. That's why so many people are floored when a partner cheats on them and tells them how unhappy they are. Just because you are happy, and do whatever you can to make your partner happy, doesn't mean your partner will be happy with you and what you are doing. Sometimes you can be "the world's greatest and most flawless wife" and your husband will still be unhappy with you for whatever reason. Sort of hard to tell someone who has done no apparent harm that you aren't happy with them, and in fact had to find solace and fulfillment elsewhere - so sometimes it is just easier to say 'there was no reason' than it is to tell them otherwise. LucreziaBorgia~ WOW! What you said has me thinking VERY INTERESTING NEVER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT!
newby Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 i'll bet she didn't do any such thing in the bedroom!
MsMree Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 If someone cheats just because they can there is a serious character flaw there - and if they are unhappy in the marriage but have not communicated to their spouse, then again, there is a problem w/that person (CS) - IMO, the CS (cheat'g spse.) probably has unfulfilled needs that he nor anyone else can fill (and i don't think it is anyone's job to fill his needs/void) - i'm talk'g about emotiional needs - if you cannot identify what those needs are you cannot get your needs met - perhaps you can temporarily, but in the long-term. For example: alot of MM/MW cheat because they lack the excitement of a new relationship - the passion in their M is gone - well whose fault is this - nobody's this is just what happens when you've been together a long time - here the blame lies w/CS because 1) he can't be fulfilled w/where his M has moved to (commitment, family, etc.) 2) he has not COMMUNICATED w/his W/H that there needs to be some "spice'n-up" in their relationship. Just my opinion and experience
Love2share Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Any person who would cheat just because they can definately has some issues of their own, not the marriage. It's true that there are a variety of reason's to cheat. Something is ALWAYS missing, regardless of the situation. Missing self-esteem... Missing sexual gratification... Missing love... Missing attention... Missing self assessment or acheivement... Missing passion, excitement, thrill... ect., ect., ect.,
Author Sad Flower Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 i'll bet she didn't do any such thing in the bedroom! NEWBY How funny sometimes I think maybe he lied about the things he said she did!! One time MM said ..... My wife doesn't like me to please her, she thinks it is bad Maybe he was just trying to get me to do those things that she really wasn't
goldy Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 yes, my thoughts! sorry its still me i changed my name
KissMyTiara Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Something is missing with those people, aright: if it isn't in the relationship, its in themselves. They might be happy in the relationship and the relationship is fine, but still be missing something within themselves which causes them to perceive problems where you may not see them, and it subconsciously drives them to do what they know will sabotage the relationship. I think its pretty rare for someone who is perfectly happy and stable to do it "just because they want to" in an otherwise good and happy relationship. Would it be possible that a perfectly happy man in a stable and loving relationship with his wife would just arbitrarily be tempted and fall to a piece of good-looking strange? Possible, but not probable. He may be tempted, but what bumps him off the fence would be the justification that he gets when he considers the problems in his relationship. Considerations that cause him to weigh the benefits/risks and choose in favor of himself. Kids who are super popular still seek more and more attention. Rich people still shoplift. Dahmer had a full fridge of steak and yet still killed people. Sometimes the relationship IS the cause of the eventual cheating. But it's not necessarily the surroundings, the upbringing, the circumstances, the relationship... It IS a problem WITH the person who is cheating. They need excitement, they are bored, they want to see if they can get away with it, they want to use someone, whatever it is - it is a problem within themselves.
Author Sad Flower Posted March 12, 2005 Author Posted March 12, 2005 Interesting.........because sometimes I thuoght to myself........... Was MM lieing to me about his marriage and wife being so bad so he just made that up for an excuse to go cheat!!
ww Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 odd my MM never said his marriage was bad ...in fact never said his wife sucked...booooooo.
izzybelle Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 i know there was something missing in my MMs M. he wasn't getting the love, the attention, the caring, the sharing he needed. he said he had tried to get that all back for years and couldn't. he felt like she didn't care about his life. and i know, in retrospect, it may have just been that they had been together for so long that they took it all for granted. it was comfortable. she knew what his job was like and didn't care to hear the details. her only "joy" from him getting promotions, etc. was that there would be a bigger paycheck. he commented numerous times that all he felt like he was to her was that paycheck. she would arrange special dinners with the kids for times she knew he couldn't be there. he had a car accident and her first comment to him was that the insurance rates would go up. they weren't tight for money and it yet again, made him feel like all he was worth was the money he conributed. i think he wanted to much to know that someone really could still love him...perhaps that it wasn't just him having become unloveable. and i gave him that. perhaps i made him feel valuable again to the point where he could feel confident enough with himself to try to be her partner again....
Author Sad Flower Posted March 14, 2005 Author Posted March 14, 2005 Yea my xmm said his wife was just concerned with money
sami Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 What he wouldn't tell you is his opinion about you as his OW.
ww Posted March 25, 2005 Posted March 25, 2005 well said sami! indeed I got sad every time bc he never said what he thought about me . And i was wondering on and on what could be his opinion about me. And I started to feel worthless more and more. So it does not matter what they say about their wives. Prolly they lie.( in most cases) And in the end ...it does not really matter what he thought about me.since he had no respect for his wife ..why should he respect me? I mean on what basis should i insist for him to respect me. Since he had no respect for me , wife and prolly himself
Author Sad Flower Posted March 26, 2005 Author Posted March 26, 2005 What he wouldn't tell you is his opinion about you as his OW well sami your wrong, He told me all the time how he felt about me, all of it was good, nothing bad, we missed eachother for along long time and we both wondered where the other was for quite a few years. I dated my XMM along time ago right out of highschool, we dated for a while and he told me back then that he loved me and he would tell me while we recently dated, I was there before the wife ever existed in his life and I was the one who ended the relationship long ago and I moved on. When we began dating after all the years that had passed, he was already separated from his wife, living in another city than her that was hundred's of miles away from her. So I was convinced it was over for them, and I don't usually go around dating MM so I was clueless to the stats on how many MM eventually end up going back to their wives. So don't make remarks to try to bash me as the OW or try to make me feel bad about dating a MM because from what I knew they were definately over, according to him and according to a few people that knew him best or thought they did. I was there many times during conversations with his wife and how they talked about dividing the bills and he was already paying her child support. In the end XMM made a decision to go back to his wife and he was sad and torn but it wasn't until he had to give back a gift that he got angry at me and now he hates me for that. However next time I won't date a MM
sami Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 When he leaves he will say the bad things. Only when he leaves but not while he is with you.
sami Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Just wait and see Sadflower. Time will tell who's wrong.
ww Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Sometimes we just need this feeling of hate to help us get over someone. To move on. In my case I tried very hard to hate my ex MM ...when we broke up we remain in contact and i couldn`t hate him. I still don`t and I think i never truly will. I just created temporary hate in me toward him just to be able to move on. Last time we spoke I told him all sorts of ugly things Now I know i hurt him . And he will never speak to me again. I do care about him and i still think he was my superman ( but he was also super married ) I miss him very much and i still think about him a lot but I am finally moving on. maybe someday he will forgive me all bad things I told him...until than life must go on.
sami Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 There are many ways of getting out of a situation w/o hate. We only need to train ourselves to let go through time. Hate is the worst thing may happen to humans . I would not at all let myself hate somebody bce he/she decides to leave me.
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