JourneyLady Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 I would like to have forum members opinions on something. My guy repeatedly had been using a phrase "I wouldn't do it like that." about arrangements I had made to have my lawn mowed, things done around (my) house, other ways I do things that he has "opinions" on. Sometimes I have asked his opinions on things, but not at the times he says this. I've dealt with the (mild) resentment for some time. Today I looked him in the eyes and held his gaze and said "I'm not you." I felt mixed emotions like irritation mixed with affection. After which he shut down and I felt it, so I calmly asked a bit later (after other impersonal conversations) if he felt criticized by my remark. He said yes (good for him - admitting emotions), but then brought out the "big guns" vis a vis "If you continue to criticize what I say, I'll not be saying anything." I perceive this as a threat to our communication and closeness and go haywire. I'll give the rest of the story later, but right now, I want to know why he was so hurt by such a small thing that he had to threaten me. (It's been at least two weeks since I had found fault or raised issues with anything he's done or said. But his remark sounded like I do it constantly!) My way in the past would have been to say "I feel criticized when you say you wouldn't do it that way", but what I got back was that even saying that is perceived as critical and (in addition) that "He's not allowed to hold an opinion." Sort this out for me guys, particularly! When I asked how he would have me handle a situation, what he wants is a warm hand on his shoulder and a "Honey (in a soft voice), I'd rather you didn't say that." What I perceive from this is that he wanted me to treat him with kid gloves, and since I didn't, he breaks out the battering ram! He's not at all "sweet" when he criticizes. And I'm not much of an actor, myself.
Phoe Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 This is how my boyfriend is. Does not respond well to direct criticism, and gets riled up by it. Soft, gentle suggestions are much more well received. It means I do have to think more about how I will respond to unpleasant situations, which means they end up being addressed at a later time, rather than right away, but I can't change any of that, so I do what I can. 1
Author JourneyLady Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 Thanks Phoe. I wouldn't mind if he barked at me "what's with you" or that. I'm more bothered by his need to threaten the relationship (or our closeness) every time I voice a complaint. It feels like control and manipulation. (I ended a very abusive and manipulative relationship over a year and a half ago.) I'm considering what he said, but it feels so much like acting... because I'd have to act like I'm not irritated and drip honey-sweet while voicing a "request". Yet it's just a few little things such as this that are causing long term resentment. He's not even interested in why, or in the fact that he hurt me by using what amounts to a bazooka (threaten the communication) to handle a small problem a fly (my irritation) ... I guess as you say, it's HIS wounds ... they never seem to be minor ones.
preraph Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 I guess his "I wouldn't handle it like that" is him trying to be diplomatic, but if it's something that's already a done deal, it's also open criticism. He can dish it out but he can't take it. That said, maybe if he's showing so much interest in having the lawn mowed, he'd like to take that on himself. 1
Author JourneyLady Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 I guess his "I wouldn't handle it like that" is him trying to be diplomatic, but if it's something that's already a done deal, it's also open criticism. He can dish it out but he can't take it. That said, maybe if he's showing so much interest in having the lawn mowed, he'd like to take that on himself. Heh. Yeah, something like that last sentence is what I've thought a couple times when he's said something of the sort about my "taking care of my home" problems. And yes, it was a done deal I'd already decided my course of action and was in the middle of doing just that. There's this air of superiority in his pronouncements that his own judgments and decisions are so much better than most people's (including mine).
Author JourneyLady Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 The next part is that my asking "Did you feel criticized when I said that?" after I noticed he'd shut down, is that he later he said my asking the question was "spoiling for a fight". Which later turned into the "I would like to be alone for a day or two." (Exact words in email.) To me, that feels like punishment. I politely emailed back asking for the reason, which got derailed because his car battery died and I went and rescued him. It turns out he was feeling "entitled" to be free of ANY complaint from me, because he took care of me while I was sick (I have already expressed gratefulness and thank yous quite a few times - written even.) So I'm guessing that's supposed to mean I don't get to say anything HE perceives as "negative". Although... I'm *still* sick (though not contagious)... And having to be up and around while still feeling weak. The two days request felt like "punishment" to me for speaking up. Rather than be dealt with like that (again), I simply picked up my stuff when he was out and after rescuing him from his battery disaster... I said goodbye permanently. I'm going to my daughter's to maintain NC and enjoy family company. We were already in "counseling" and I had thought there was progress, but I just don't think two emotionally healthy individuals need to spend "days" apart on such a small cause. It was a (mostly good) six months, but the same problems repeated over and over with no admitted vulnerability and no apologies on his part (and no sign of caring when I am visibly hurt by his words) I'm out of tries.
Versacehottie Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 don't underestimate a guy's ego. I don't mean that to say they are self-centered--but they definitely don't process things the same as us. I think a lot of guy's worth and value is tied up in what they can DO (translation: what they can do for you especially). If you disregard his opinion (especially if you asked for it), then you're basically saying to him (in his language) "i don't NEED you". Your guy may be more sensitive than other guys about this or unbeknownst to you may have already been building up resentment that you don't take his advice. You can test this theory by asking just other guys, random guys or guys you work with, to do little things for you. Watch their behavior when you do--they are quite happy to. And what a lot of us do, when we handle all our own stuff, is cut guys out of our lives essentially. You gotta give him a chance to feel like a useful part of your life. I'm not saying it will be easy--maybe the way you would do it IS better--but take a moment and put yourself in his shoes and how he may be viewing what is going on.
Author JourneyLady Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 don't underestimate a guy's ego. I don't mean that to say they are self-centered--but they definitely don't process things the same as us. I think a lot of guy's worth and value is tied up in what they can DO (translation: what they can do for you especially). If you disregard his opinion (especially if you asked for it), then you're basically saying to him (in his language) "i don't NEED you". Your guy may be more sensitive than other guys about this or unbeknownst to you may have already been building up resentment that you don't take his advice. You can test this theory by asking just other guys, random guys or guys you work with, to do little things for you. Watch their behavior when you do--they are quite happy to. And what a lot of us do, when we handle all our own stuff, is cut guys out of our lives essentially. You gotta give him a chance to feel like a useful part of your life. I'm not saying it will be easy--maybe the way you would do it IS better--but take a moment and put yourself in his shoes and how he may be viewing what is going on. He's made himself useful on any number of occasions and I've been grateful for it and expressed that. (And no, I didn't ask for his opinion on the lawn mowing. He's been useful a lot of times in many ways. As, (I hope) have I at his home; I simply don't tell him how I would do things or offer unasked for advice. I have, however, asked his advice on other things on quite a few occasions. In this case, I resorted to a shortcut, since I spent so little time at my own place -- due to his preference to be at his. I guess I have been doing a lot of sacrificing of my own needs and desires and the relationship felt uneven, due to his "command and control". He is used to dominating others and I was fresh out of an abusive relationship and nervous from that. But I should have known the first time he expressed disapproval at my painted nails and choice of undies... sigh... I fell before I felt the firm hand of "guidance" on me... And we are both 50+ years old.
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