soret Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Today while at college I was texting my boyfriend while I was on my lunch break. Somewhere in the conversation I mentioned that there were a few guys sitting near talking loudly among themselves. My boyfriend asked me for a picture of myself as I haven't been able to see him for a few days due to my midterm schedule. When he received the picture he told me that I needed to do up one of the buttons on my shirt because the guys sitting near could possibly look down his shirt and this was all an assumption based on a picture. I automatically got mad as this seems to be regular behavior of his. I told him I could wear whatever I like and that he needed to stop trying to control me. To which he replied that he will change, but as I continued to tell him that this wasn't okay behavior he told me that I was being a selfish person because I'm always fighting with him. So why is this happening? I know based on his past family life why he could possibly be like this but I really don't enjoy this. Do I terminate the relationship or try and make this work? I love him but this is getting too much.
Assasda Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Yeah, It seems foolish that he said that. But He could have been joking when he said it. But since you mention that he does it a lot, it seems like he has some major insecurity issues. If it gets too bad or too much, you know what you gotta do OP
Mirages Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 I feel that some uptight individuals may have insecurities or fear of abandonment. Some cases are purely family upbringing; then you are stuck with a guy that may have potential in him, but no progressive, analytical thinking, is that fun? Maybe some of him is, usually people are a mixed bag of qualities. That covers his concern, now as far as his expressing it to you in that manner: one way of addressing it is to clear up your identity, i.e. are you some moderate christian, do you have a background in a more fundamentalist past that aligns with his, are you something else... Then to chat with him and see how he responds. Respectfully challenging these types does often lead to a fork in the road, they get worse (insecurity/tradition/what people think...), or they reason & respect & progress. This may be the time for such a test. I happen to need to be inspired by someone, anyone rigidly holding to their unusual concerns will not inspire me enough to stay, been thru it, your mileage may vary. Finally, I'd avoid playing the field if committed if that is an issue at all, which based on the paragraph I'd say it is not. Good luck.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Yes, it's controlling. His family life shouldn't explain/justify it - he is an adult who needs to learn to control his insecurities. Why do you tolerate it?
GemmaUK Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Oh dear! Yep, he is being controlling. I suspect there's lots of little things (which seem almost so insignificant they seem not worth mentioning) as well as this that have led you to that conclusion. My last ex was like this. He told me that wearing earrings at work was 'inappropriate'. He embellished this hugely by going on to say that it was the depths of unprofessionalism to answer a work phone call with earrings on as they bang against the receiver. He said that I would likely get into trouble with my boss for having to spend time taking my earrings out while the phone was ringing so that I was able to answer it. For the record the earrings which started him off were tiny little silver ones about half an inch long. I also very rarely get calls at work- and if I do I use a headset with padded head phones. His little speech was probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life! He also told me that for when I wasn't with him I needed to wear different clothes as the clothes I wear show that I have a shape. My clothes are not skin tight btw, nor flashy/tarty they just fit me. These are only two little things out of a whole pile of other strange stuff that he said. The guy was in his forties and massively insecure.
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Not that lying is a great solution to anything but I would have humored him. Said sure honey. Done up the button. Sent him a new picture then unbuttoned it & gone about my day. I don't deal well with being told how to dress.
anne1707 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Not that lying is a great solution to anything but I would have humored him. Said sure honey. Done up the button. Sent him a new picture then unbuttoned it & gone about my day. I don't deal well with being told how to dress. But as far as he is concerned he will have got away with telling her what to do and will think it is ok to carry on like this
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Perhaps but not everything has to be a full on conflict. Since he isn't actually getting away with it, it's less important.
GemmaUK Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 But as far as he is concerned he will have got away with telling her what to do and will think it is ok to carry on like this True. I played it both ways myself - sometimes I would do similar things to Donnivain's suggestion and sometimes I would call my guy out. When I could not be bothered to have the argument which would ensue from calling him out I went for the easy option. This then encouraged more of the same 'rules'. However, calling him out also encouraged more of the same 'rules'. The only difference was that one resulted in an silly argument and the other didn't. Basically with an insecure person who is controlling there will never be a happy medium and there will always be another 'issue'. They need to control and that control is about anything they can think of. I don't think guys like this are aware that women are entitled to their own opinions or perhaps these type of guys just cannot handle a woman who has her own opinions.
CarrieT Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Here are a few notes on "triggers": I automatically got mad as this seems to be regular behavior of his. Instead of getting mad, is there any understanding why he might be concerned for/about you? I told him I could wear whatever I like and that he needed to stop trying to control me. You could have diffused an escalating argument by replying, "I appreciate your concern [i.e., acknowledge him caring about your welfare], but I like the way I dress." This is re-directing your accusation as well. To which he replied that he will change Instead of acknowledging his attempt to change, you continued to the fight: but as I continued to tell him that this wasn't okay behavior he told me that I was being a selfish person because I'm always fighting with him. Well, you ARE escalating the confrontation after he said he would try to stop! The bottom line is not about his controlling, but how you two communicate.
todreaminblue Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 to be honest i dont think there was much in what he said..he didnt want others guys looking at your boobies....and he said as much definitely not enough to blame his home life or family life....and not enough to determine level of control...just an honest comment....tell him how you feel and go from there.......deb 1
Poppygoodwill Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 i think the telling detail is that you find this to be consistent with a pattern he's showing of trying to control you in some particular ways. It doesn't really matter what anyone else says; if YOU feel that his suggestions and comments cross the line for you, then they do. Case closed. The question is: what to do about it? Is this a deal breaker? Could it be a deal breaker if it escalates? Do you find a pattern of escalation in terms of how often, or how intently, he raises these sorts of remarks? Do you feel it's getting worse, rather than better? If he's just insecure, then he hasn't realized that by badgering poeple to behave in a way that you find non-threatening, you just drive them to bad behaviour because it's no fun not to be trusted by someone. But it might e more than that. He might be a controlling person. What do you know about his past relationships? How other women have dealt wiht this thing of his?
Author soret Posted October 20, 2014 Author Posted October 20, 2014 Thank you all for your replies. I feel like I should clarify some things that have happened in the earlier stages of our relationship. He had many insecurities in the beginning most of which were related to my ill doing such as leaving him. I was reassuring at first but then I started to get annoyed with constantly having to feed him this reassurance so I asked him why he does not trust my commitment and his answer would always be "I don't know". I think it all stems down to his abandonment issues relating to his father as his father was never really in the picture and when he was he was abusive to his mother. His mother also left him with grandparents for a few years to (what i assume) work in another country. It seems to me that his insecurities stems down to these past instances. About a month ago he was making jokes about having guy friends. He would never tell me to stop talking to these friends but his jokes hinted that he was insecure that I was speaking to them. Again, I would assure him that I've known them for years and they have been strictly friends during that time. However, he would continue with these jokes and one day I snapped and told him that I shouldn't have to feel guilty for having friends that are male and that my own boyfriend should trust me. We had gotten into an argument and afterwards he told me he would never bring it up again and so far he has stayed true to his word. Now it seems like his insecurities have moved to this controlling type of behaviour. I have talked to him about it and still, I get the "I don't know why I do it" speech. I'm kind of at a loss and I can feel my patience wearing very thin now. I know that insecurities take a long time to overcome because I was insecure with my very first boyfriend but things got better once I realized he wasn't out to hurt me. I have told my boyfriend about this past experience but it is really up to him to experience it. I love him a lot but his insecurities hide his true persona. For instance, today I was supposed to sleep over at his house. I started to feel ill about an hour before he showed up at my house. We were going to visit for a bit before we drove to his place. I told him I wasn't feeling well and that it was probably best if I stayed at home. He got upset and turned away from me and this was most likely because he was really looking forward to it because I hadn't seen him in over a week because of college. He started to leave, kissed me on the forehead and said he was going. I told him okay as he walked out of my room and as he tried to pull the door closed on me as he walked by. Then at the front door he didn't even kiss me goodbye and left as quickly as he could without a word. I stood there quite hurt and I watched him make it to the middle of the driveway and then he stopped and looked back at me. I closed the door and he came back inside and started apologizing. I didn't even know how to feel at that point.
Author soret Posted October 20, 2014 Author Posted October 20, 2014 I also wanted to add that I went out to my cousins birthday party over the weekend. I was texting him during the night and usually he would express how worried he was about me but instead he acted happy that I was enjoying my night and that I should text him whenever I had gotten home. So in that aspect he is getting a lot more comfortable with our relationship. I also forgot to mention that I am his first serious relationship and his behaviour has to do with lack of experience as well.
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