sgbtra Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Okay so I've been with this guy for 2 months, though we've known each other for six. He pursued me relentlessly for 4 months until I felt ready to date again. Our first month together was great. Lovely romantic gestures, amazing intimacy...blah blah...All the usual honeymoon phase stuff. Then one day it all stopped. It was the day he purchased a house. Since that day he has had terrible anxiety, he has started medication for anxiety and he has just been so emotionally and physically distant. He is now very wishy washy with his plans, he spends a lot of his time with me telling me about his worries and what he will do to solve them. I don't feel the same spark there as before. I try and initiate sex and get shut down, or I try and kiss him and I'll get kissed for a minute but then be pushed away. He tells me he has a very low sex drive at the moment. It's been like 2 weeks now. I feel disgusting and ugly and totally rejected on the inside. On the outside, I'm caring, listening, supportive because I know that's what he needs. But I am totally denying my own need for love and affection, and I feel selfish if I tell him how I'm feeling. I don't know how to handle this or what to do. Bare in mind this is only 2 months in. I understand he has a medical condition and is in medication which will alter his libido, but I feel he should have capacity to still try and maintain some level of intimacy between us. My feelings for him are starting to die, because there was such an abrupt end to our honeymoon phase. Should I bring this up with him? How do I bring this up with him? I don't know what to do I'm so hurt and confused.
BC1980 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 What type of medication is he on for anxiety? An SSRI can cause low sex drive, and I've even had a male friend say it caused impotence in him.
Gloria25 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Just curious, do you live with him? Otherwise, coming from a person who's been dealing with some stressful stuff (BTW, I have not and am not taking meds for it - just a lot of Yoga and meditation)...stress does affect your libido. I had problems orgasming with a FWB about two years ago cuz of the stress. But, I did not stop having sex with my FWB, and while I was stressed, I took care of him and even though it was harder to orgasm, I forced myself to "get there" and usually was happy that I "got out of my head" and enjoyed his company. So, I think a RL is about back and forth giving...I understand being there for your partner, but cutting them off is wrong, IMO. Instead of initiating "sex", why not look into ways to decompress him - that will lead into sex...Like running a bubble bath for him, giving him a massage, etc. And, don't even ask for sex...Just do the bubble bath, massage, and "loosen" him up...hopefully the sex will follow. I mean, with the massage, once you see he's relaxed then probably start going down on him. Now, are you sure this also isn't an instance of him fading after sex happens? I mean, some say that men get clarity "after sex" and now that you two have been dating for two months, maybe he realized he isn't that into you?
Gloria25 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 On top of asking if you two live together, I forgot to ask if he gets erections and/or masturbates? Cuz, I'm trying to figure out if with the meds and/or stress, if he's still able to have erections and/or be able to masturbate.
Author sgbtra Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 Thanks for your replies. @BC1980 - Yes he is on an SSRI, paroxetine. @Gloria25 - I'm so confused about his sexual behaviour. We don't live together no. When he does come over, he'll kiss me and have a raging erection - if we're lying in bed he gets hard in an instant and be rubbing it everywhere on me. Then when I respond, he will just roll over and say I've got a headahce. Like totally shut me out. Then he will say like immediately afterwards...Oh am I meeting your needs in bed? I find it almost like a form of control over me. Of course in me trying to be supportive, I say yes you are - if you're not well , we'll do it another time. He calls and texts me all day long, will take me out to dinner, hangs out with me but seems to deny my need for intimacy. I am worried our romance will fizzle out if this continues.
Gloria25 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your replies. @BC1980 - Yes he is on an SSRI, paroxetine. @Gloria25 - I'm so confused about his sexual behaviour. We don't live together no. When he does come over, he'll kiss me and have a raging erection - if we're lying in bed he gets hard in an instant and be rubbing it everywhere on me. Then when I respond, he will just roll over and say I've got a headahce. Like totally shut me out. Then he will say like immediately afterwards...Oh am I meeting your needs in bed? I find it almost like a form of control over me. Of course in me trying to be supportive, I say yes you are - if you're not well , we'll do it another time. He calls and texts me all day long, will take me out to dinner, hangs out with me but seems to deny my need for intimacy. I am worried our romance will fizzle out if this continues. Oh, then appears it's not the stress or the meds... Well, then there's something else going on in the RL. If he physically is aroused - especially by you - and then doesn't want to have intercourse, then something's up. Have you tried oral on him? Has he tried pleasing you in other ways (i.e. oral or manual?). Do you wonder if he backed down on the sex cuz he might want to "take it slow"? (I think usually women are one to make this kind of move though). Edited October 18, 2014 by Gloria25
Phoe Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 My boyfriend has had phases where he's just too mentally or physically tired for sex. He still can get hard, but is just tired. This only lasts a few weeks. I wouldn't call it a death sentence, OP, you said it's only been two weeks 1
tripped Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 I don't want to jack your thread, but I thought you might like to know that my situation is VERY similar to yours (dating girl for three months, everything going 100%, sudden change the day she committed to moving), except that mine has been going for over a month now. Two weeks in, I was just like you. I thought I should not say anything because she was just stressed. Everything from kissing to sex is exactly how you describe, even down to how you say that he will start to get aroused, but then it's almost like he "catches" himself or something? It just suddenly ends and he makes a weird excuse? That's what my girl does. Anyway, long story short I think you should bring it up, but then trust whatever he says and don't push it. I waited a month to say anything, and it just kept getting worse. Finally I started saying something, and she got defensive so I backed off, but it got even worse for another week. Finally I sat her down and told her basically that she either needed to communicate or I was just going to walk away until she could, and she basically said that she was afraid of commitment and needed to figure some stuff out and felt like she couldn't just ask that of me outright. (She was very defensive, so some of this has been what I've been able to read between the lines in the days since). She claims to literally have not even noticed that we've barely kissed or had sex in weeks, and probably would never have realized if I didn't bring it up. Now, we have barely talked this week, but the few times she has reached out mean that I know I'm not crazy, or that she is not just "fading", and I can live my life without having to worry about what the hell is happening. If your boyfriend is anything like this girl, things are just getting too "real" too fast (maybe not between you two, but he is probably displacing that house stress onto you somehow without even realizing) Again, sorry for talking so much about my own situation, but I hope you can learn from my mistake and not put off what will most likely need to be talked about before it ever gets fixed.
HereNorThere Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) Then worst part is to hear that he's on paxil for panic attacks. Although it does have some approval for generalized anxiety disorder, it's not very effective, especially in the short term. He needs to see a doctor and be put on proper meds for anxiety. Real anti-anxiety medications like benzodiazepines or buspar could make a real difference in his life, but sadly, Paxil will be closer to a sugar pill or even worse. He needs GABAeric related medicine, not serotonergic drugs, especially in the short term. Maybe he can find a doctor to give him short term alprazolam and lorazepam. Paxil is mostly just given out because it's hard to overdose on. I would say it's less addictive as well, but SSRI discontinuation syndrome is pretty horrible as well. If you wanted to take a more natural approach, valerian root is a gabaeric, but rather mild. What are the chances that his honey moon, limerence, idealistic love phase is over with you and he's too scared to admit it and break your heart? Personally, I think he's just looking for a way out that doesn't involve anyone being blamed. Edited October 18, 2014 by HereNorThere
Joaquin Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 This sort of thing happened to me in the past when I was seeing multiple woman. Though I wasnt exclusive with any of them I still felt guilt being with a woman if I'd been with another one the night before. That combined with a lack of energy meant I would often resist full sex.
BC1980 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Paxil definitely has been know to cause decreased sex drive, and it also makes you lethargic. Actually, the friend I mentioned who had a problem with impotence was on Paxil. I took Paxil for years and never had a decreased sex drive but was always lethargic. It affects people differently.
BC1980 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Thanks for your replies. @BC1980 - Yes he is on an SSRI, paroxetine. @Gloria25 - I'm so confused about his sexual behaviour. We don't live together no. When he does come over, he'll kiss me and have a raging erection - if we're lying in bed he gets hard in an instant and be rubbing it everywhere on me. Then when I respond, he will just roll over and say I've got a headahce. Like totally shut me out. Then he will say like immediately afterwards...Oh am I meeting your needs in bed? I find it almost like a form of control over me. Of course in me trying to be supportive, I say yes you are - if you're not well , we'll do it another time. He calls and texts me all day long, will take me out to dinner, hangs out with me but seems to deny my need for intimacy. I am worried our romance will fizzle out if this continues. That's weird. He just stops after he gets an erection. I don't know what to make of that at all.
veggirl Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 His anxiety sounds completely situational--due to buying a house. So why does he need drugs for that? Maybe they are jacking up his systems.
Elle1975 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Personally I'd give him lots of space. Not by disappearing all of a sudden but by saying something like "I know you're stressed, and I'm here if you need me, but I think it's best you sort your situation out before we resume our relationship" or something along those lines. Being supportive is different from becoming somebody's nurse, or getting friendzoned till he gets back on his feet and date someone else. Personally, again, if he didn't make the effort to reach out, I'd consider myself single.
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