My friend divorced a cheater and now she is cheating with married men?

October 17, 2014

She was faithful to her husband for 10 years knowing he was cheating and finally divorced him. Now after all that she is cheating with married men? I don't get it. After all she went through why would she do this to other married women? She said she doesn't feel that guilty either.

October 17, 2014

Because the cheating of her ex obviously had some impact on her too. Now she's as destructive and irresponsible as he is. Off to counseling you go.

October 17, 2014

Wow, I've heard everything now. If what you said is 100% true, than she's just as bad as her cheating husband or even worse. It's sad times we're living in today. Why would you want to stay friends with someone like that?

October 17, 2014

No conscience, no empathy, no remorse. Google that.

October 17, 2014

Well, how do you know she's hurting married women out there?

IMO, there's pretty much two types of cheaters: (1) Dogs, and (2) Men who are starved.

I'm not saying that cheating is the way to go when you are in a sexless and/or bad RL/marriage - what I am saying is it's no fair to hold your spouse hostage by withholding sex. I mean, what do you expect them to do? Men, especially in a RL with a woman they are into, need the act of sex itself as an expression of a woman's love for him. We women - while we also enjoy sex - get a lot of our satisfaction of love from other gestures, like him cuddling, doing romantic things.

So, you don't know what these married guys are going through. An affair might save them from breaking up their home and/or kids being neglected. I think that as long as she's "borrowing" him and returning him home w/o damage to his kids and wife - no harm, no foul.

Also, with her coming out of a marriage - last thing she probably wants is something serious. I've been with married/involved men - not something I'm proud of, but I did it cuz I was only looking for something casual and someone I wouldn't have to deal with on the regular.

October 17, 2014

Well, how do you know she's hurting married women out there?

IMO, there's pretty much two types of cheaters: (1) Dogs, and (2) Men who are starved.

I'm not saying that cheating is the way to go when you are in a sexless and/or bad RL/marriage - what I am saying is it's no fair to hold your spouse hostage by withholding sex. I mean, what do you expect them to do? Men, especially in a RL with a woman they are into, need the act of sex itself as an expression of a woman's love for him. We women - while we also enjoy sex - get a lot of our satisfaction of love from other gestures, like him cuddling, doing romantic things.

So, you don't know what these married guys are going through. An affair might save them from breaking up their home and/or kids being neglected. I think that as long as she's "borrowing" him and returning him home w/o damage to his kids and wife - no harm, no foul.

Also, with her coming out of a marriage - last thing she probably wants is something serious. I've been with married/involved men - not something I'm proud of, but I did it cuz I was only looking for something casual and someone I wouldn't have to deal with on the regular.

I don't even have words to describe how much I disagree with this post. If your not happy in your marriage GET A DIVORCE. Sorry, but if your having an affair behind your partners back than you don't deserve to be with them. I don't understand why so many people on here are pretty much flat out saying having an affair is okay. Like I said, it's sad how bad society has become today.

October 17, 2014

I don't even have words to describe how much I disagree with this post. If your not happy in your marriage GET A DIVORCE. I don't understand why so many people on here are pretty much flat out saying having an affair is okay. Like I said, it's sad how bad society has become today.

Well, if we want to talk about how bad society has become today, why don't we look at the fact that most divorces come from women - for really, really, silly reasons.

Plus, the courts are gonna put a guy through the ringer over a divorce....And, the wife (unless she's with ISIS) is pretty much gonna end up with the kids. I've seen my sibling get bankrupted and they didn't even have kids.

So, women have A LOT of power here, and I've heard the stories over and over again on my podcast how guys get screwed over and just have to sit there till the kids become 18.

And as for having an affair behind your spouse's behind? Well, again, if you are starving your man, IMO, you aren't playing fair either. When you get married, you don't sign up for someone to cut you off. I heard in the news some guy in one of those middle eastern countries stopped buying food for his wife cuz she wouldn't give him any. So, IMO, the courts should look at how the wife was in the marriage before dividing assets and/or giving them alimony.

Edited October 17, 2014 by Gloria25

October 17, 2014

Well, if we want to talk about how bad society has become today, why don't we look at the fact that most divorces come from women - for really, really, silly reasons.

Plus, the courts are gonna put a guy through the ringer over a divorce....And, the wife (unless she's with ISIS) is pretty much gonna end up with the kids. I've seen my sibling get bankrupted and they didn't even have kids.

So, women have A LOT of power here, and I've heard the stories over and over again on my podcast how guys get screwed over and just have to sit there till the kids become 18.

But there's no excuse to have an affair. If your not happy than get a divorce instead of cheating. It doesn't matter if the guy will potentially get screwed over in court. I absolutely would not want to live with a cheating partner under any circumstances.

And why did you specifically want to get involved with married men for? Why couldn't you find something casual with single men? All you have to do is go on an online dating site or to a bar, there's plenty of guys on there looking for something casual instead of potentially being a home wrecker. That's real selfish behavior on your part whether you see it or not.

Edited October 17, 2014 by NJ123

October 17, 2014

So, you don't know what these married guys are going through. An affair might save them from breaking up their home and/or kids being neglected. I think that as long as she's "borrowing" him and returning him home w/o damage to his kids and wife - no harm, no foul.

Also, with her coming out of a marriage - last thing she probably wants is something serious. I've been with married/involved men - not something I'm proud of, but I did it cuz I was only looking for something casual and someone I wouldn't have to deal with on the regular.

Repeat after me: There is NO justification for cheating. These poor married men in these awful sexless marriages have options, one of them is to leave. Infidelity is not saving anything, it's selfish and wrong no matter how you look at it and hardly the noble deed you're making it out to be.

Also, the oft repeated rationale for getting involved with married people because you don't want anything serious is absurd. There are plenty of single people out there who want something equally casual.

Barrwing someone's husband? That doesn't even make sense. Would you be okay with a complete stranger "borrowing" your car without you knowing about it? Even if they returned it in mint condition I'm willing to bet the answer is "hell no".

I don't even have words to describe how much I disagree with this post. If your not happy in your marriage GET A DIVORCE. Sorry, but if your having an affair behind your partners back than you don't deserve to be with them. I don't understand why so many people on here are pretty much flat out saying having an affair is okay. Like I said, it's sad how bad society has become today.

I agree with almost all of this except for the last line. It irks me when people point to things that have been happening since the dawn of time as some sort of sign at how society is somehow in shambles. Society is just the way it always has been only people were less open about certain things.

Well, if we want to talk about how bad society has become today, why don't we look at the fact that most divorces come from women - for really, really, silly reasons.

Plus, the courts are gonna put a guy through the ringer over a divorce....And, the wife (unless she's with ISIS) is pretty much gonna end up with the kids. I've seen my sibling get bankrupted and they didn't even have kids.

Have you ever actually looked into the reason why women file in the majority of cases? It's not always because they just up and decided they were unhappy in the marriage and it was time to clean out their husband's assets.

Also in terms of women getting custody....did you know that something like less than 5% of child custody cases ever make it to court? In the majority of cases custody is agreed privately between the two parties. This means that if the mother gets primary custody that is because the father agreed to it without the assistance of a judge or even a mediator.

The idea that all custody is decided by the courts and all judges just hand over the kids to the mother is a fantasy perpetuated by people who are grossly misinformed.

October 17, 2014

She was faithful to her husband for 10 years knowing he was cheating and finally divorced him. Now after all that she is cheating with married men? I don't get it. After all she went through why would she do this to other married women? She said she doesn't feel that guilty either.

It's been known to happen. I've yet to find a solid reason but I've come to find that it's often an act of rebellion or lashing out. The way of thinking is something along the lines of "Well it happened to me so I don't care anymore." It's ridiculous IMO but cheating has a tendency to really damage people and turn them into someone they never thought they'd become.

October 17, 2014

It's been known to happen. I've yet to find a solid reason but I've come to find that it's often an act of rebellion or lashing out. The way of thinking is something along the lines of "Well it happened to me so I don't care anymore." It's ridiculous IMO but cheating has a tendency to really damage people and turn them into someone they never thought they'd become.

But that makes her just as bad or even worse than her ex-husband. Pretty sad that she likely won't ever have a healthy relationship.

October 18, 2014

And why did you specifically want to get involved with married men for? Why couldn't you find something casual with single men? All you have to do is go on an online dating site or to a bar, there's plenty of guys on there looking for something casual instead of potentially being a home wrecker. That's real selfish behavior on your part whether you see it or not.

I didn't say I "only" date married men...so, yes, I've been with single guys who wanted something casual too.

Who's home did I wreck? The home was already wrecked if he was looking for someone else. And, I never did like a lot of mistresses, which is to eventually start pressuring the guy to leave his wife and all that mess.

Selfish, by definition is you acting in a way where only YOU are the person getting what you want. I didn't take anything from these men (not even money and/or favors) or these women and their families. Shoot, the wives might even been happy that their husband might have stopped trying to sleep with them (cuz his needs were being met elsewhere).

October 18, 2014

Also in terms of women getting custody....did you know that something like less than 5% of child custody cases ever make it to court? In the majority of cases custody is agreed privately between the two parties. This means that if the mother gets primary custody that is because the father agreed to it without the assistance of a judge or even a mediator.

The idea that all custody is decided by the courts and all judges just hand over the kids to the mother is a fantasy perpetuated by people who are grossly misinformed.

Of course a guy would settle the custody issue. Why waste money with the lawyer when you know how the courts would normally rule? Besides, now a days a lot of cases (not only in the area of family law) end up in settlement.

BTW, I'm not gonna reiterate my position about this topic to you or NJ123...I agree to disagree.

October 18, 2014

I didn't say I "only" date married men...so, yes, I've been with single guys who wanted something casual too.

Who's home did I wreck? The home was already wrecked if he was looking for someone else. And, I never did like a lot of mistresses, which is to eventually start pressuring the guy to leave his wife and all that mess.

Selfish, by definition is you acting in a way where only YOU are the person getting what you want. I didn't take anything from these men (not even money and/or favors) or these women and their families. Shoot, the wives might even been happy that their husband might have stopped trying to sleep with them (cuz his needs were being met elsewhere).

Well, it seems you have the ridiculous "if he doesn't sleep with me it would be someone else anyways, so I might as well mindset" that so many others have. That's why so much cheating happens because they have that same exact mindset that you do. But no matter how you look at it you sleeping with a married man is wrong regardless of what you say. Why would you specifically want to be the one to be a part of that? Sometimes these things don't end well at all. I've said in a previous thread awhile back, I know someone where someone they knew got killed over this type of thing. He shot him right in his car for being involved with his girlfriend. Unless he's in an open relationship with his wife your flat out wrong to sleep with married men. How would you like it if you were in a relationship with a guy & got cheated on? I doubt you'd be happy about it. You seem to be in denial that you did anything wrong by the things your saying in this thread which is actually really scary to me.

Edited October 18, 2014 by NJ123

October 18, 2014

I didn't say I "only" date married men...so, yes, I've been with single guys who wanted something casual too.

Who's home did I wreck? The home was already wrecked if he was looking for someone else. And, I never did like a lot of mistresses, which is to eventually start pressuring the guy to leave his wife and all that mess.

Selfish, by definition is you acting in a way where only YOU are the person getting what you want. I didn't take anything from these men (not even money and/or favors) or these women and their families. Shoot, the wives might even been happy that their husband might have stopped trying to sleep with them (cuz his needs were being met elsewhere).

Lol, so you're the a Dexter Morgan of cheaters. You only kill the mad marriages.

October 18, 2014

To answers OPs question, there's a simple truth used in psychology - "The abused eventually become abusers."

Some who are abused by infidelity just assume everyone is as messed up as their cheating partner, so why care about others feelings? I mean, after all, no one cared about theirs.

Sad really.

October 18, 2014

She was faithful to her husband for 10 years knowing he was cheating and finally divorced him. Now after all that she is cheating with married men? I don't get it. After all she went through why would she do this to other married women? She said she doesn't feel that guilty either.

There are plenty of single men who are good with casual relationships, ONS's, or a FWB situation. Your friend has a problem and it seems to be a kind of rebellious action on her part. Most likely this is a dysfunctional exercise in regaining her sense of power.

Also, some people are one dimensional, they are only against cheating if it's done to them. There is a percentage of betrayed spouses who become the OM/OW and will talk about how hurt they were when they were betrayed but justify their own choice to be a part of infidelity. It's hard to understand that kind of mindset but it happens quite often.

I guess it's a discourse in survival, and the mindset of "nothing is fair in love and war" kind of thinking. It's very sad to live that way.

October 18, 2014

She was faithful to her husband for 10 years knowing he was cheating and finally divorced him. Now after all that she is cheating with married men? I don't get it. After all she went through why would she do this to other married women? She said she doesn't feel that guilty either.

This happens a lot unfortunately.

Whether consciously or not, some people who get cheated on and then go on to cheat with someone else do so because it gives them back the power they felt they lost when they were being cheated on. Being in this new dynamic feels more powerful and invigorating than being the victim.

For some consciously or subconsciously it's a form of revenge.

And some are jaded and don't want to be vulnerable in an open relationship so date married men because the relationship has built in limits and they can't "really" be together fully, so they feel more in control of their feelings and like this will prevent them from getting hurt if they don't have a "full relationship." Or some are jaded and feel like no one cared about their feelings while they were cheating so why should they? So it ties back into one and two.

October 18, 2014

This happens a lot unfortunately.

Whether consciously or not, some people who get cheated on and then go on to cheat with someone else do so because it gives them back the power they felt they lost when they were being cheated on. Being in this new dynamic feels more powerful and invigorating than being the victim.

For some consciously or subconsciously it's a form of revenge.

And some are jaded and don't want to be vulnerable in an open relationship so date married men because the relationship has built in limits and they can't "really" be together fully, so they feel more in control of their feelings and like this will prevent them from getting hurt if they don't have a "full relationship." Or some are jaded and feel like no one cared about their feelings while they were cheating so why should they? So it ties back into one and two.

You said it better than me Miss Bee.

October 18, 2014

A lot of women who pursue married men really just have intimacy issues. Getting involved with someone who is married assures them that the person isn't emotionally available or going to smother them. They like attention, but don't want to get too close.

I actually don't think the serial cheater poster has a lack of empathy. It's more like having a really strong defensive mechanism of rationalization to combat the cognitive dissonance. A person without empathy doesn't have a laundry list of reasons, justifications, rationalizations and things they tell themselves to relieve the guilt. She actually knows it's wrong and has gone to great links to convince herself it isn't.

October 18, 2014

A lot of women who pursue married men really just have intimacy issues. Getting involved with someone who is married assures them that the person isn't emotionally available or going to smother them. They like attention, but don't want to get too close.

I actually don't think the serial cheater poster has a lack of empathy. It's more like having a really strong defensive mechanism of rationalization to combat the cognitive dissonance. A person without empathy doesn't have a laundry list of reasons, justifications, rationalizations and things they tell themselves to relieve the guilt. She actually knows it's wrong and has gone to great links to convince herself it isn't.

Great point!

Also, there's a difference in how single men and married men romance someone. Most single men take their time and don't rush a relationship. Where as many married men love bomb an affair partner knowing full well that by being married they have a "legitimate" reason why they cannot follow through on their promises. Very few single men will make promises or gestures because they have no reason not to keep those promises.

It's not hard to see why so many women fall for love bombing and how dating a single man may seem tediously underwhelming.

Edited October 18, 2014 by Furious

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My friend divorced a cheater and now she is cheating with married men?

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