Ty Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 OK, here goes. I've been in a relationship with this girl for a year and a half. She is almost 20 and I almost 22. For the past month things have not been right. We are in college and I decided to go home for the weekend about a month ago. I wanted to go by myself so she stayed at school that weekend. When i came back she says she was sitting there in her room at her place and didn't know what to do with herself because I wasn't there. From then on out she has been trying to be more and more independent. Last week, she was like purposely trying to put space between us. She came over last wednesday before I was about to go home again, and she was real nice, saying I'm sorry I've been so mean... etc, we were intimate, she cooked for me, packed my bag for me, took me out to lunch the next day before i left, the whole nine. When I return on Saturday she comes over and breaks up with me! She says she needs time to figure out who she is and she needs to know that she can be independent. She has been in relationships for 5 years and she said that she has never just had time to be by herself, and figure out who she is, stand on her own two feet. She asked if i wanted my key back and i told her to hang on to it and know that she always has a place here. I mean, it does make sense and she was totally dependent on me, I know she loves me and cares about me but she said its just something she has to do. She said if she doesnt do it now, and she waits a few years down the road when we are engaged it would be even worse. she also said if things were meant to be, they will end up happening, and she hopes she can figure this out before its too late for us, and this is the best relationship she has ever had but she has to do this for herself because she is unhappy. I asked her like a million times is it another guy? She assures me its not and its just something she has to do by herself and she needs to grow up, know that she can stand on her own two feet. I called her the first 2 days trying to tell her shes making the wrong decision and she is giving up something great. But its no use, all she says is that I have to do this and you calling analyzing everything isnt going to make her figure out anything faster. I, since then, have cut off contact with her, I made a promise to myself not to send her another email, not to call her, and to just give her the time alone that she wanted. As hard as it was, I sent her a text telling her to please mail my key back. I just want her back so bad and I was positive that she was the ONE for me. It just sucks because only time will tell with this. Please send your comments and advice. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through, I love her so much and I want her back, but she made it very clear that she was being selfish and she needed to do this alone. She said she needed to experience things on her own so she didnt have any regrets. She told me its nothing I did wrong, its just her and something she has to do for herself so she can be happy. Ty
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Thats just a nice way of saying she wants to break up. Sorry hunny. It happens. People break up and the only nice way to put it is in the way of a vague excuse. Move on and do not contact her. Thats THE worst thing you can do. If she wants her space give it to her. Don't call her, email, im, NOTHING! She'll step back and say "Wow, why hasn't he called" Then she'll call you to see what your up to. Basically to see if you moved on since you haven't called her. Believe all the NC threads. It works!
iceisles Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 The "I need space" line is never easy to hear. The reality is that you will probably never know why she is requesting some breathing room. Honestly, "I need space" often means without you in it. However, it does seem like she was being very upfront with you, and I wouldn't worry about it for awhile. You are doing the right thing by cutting off contact, and if things between you were solid before this period of not talking, she should periodically update you on what she is thinking. I don't mean to depress you, but my ex asked for space for very similar reasons last September, and I still haven't heard back from her. What you need to do is get busy and try not to dwell on this. If things were going well before, she will come back to you when she is ready. Only the most heartless people would leave you hanging forever. I know this time will be tough, but you will make it through. Just don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she's up to, because you will likely never know.
ttjames Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 She's 20 .. I know plenty of girls who break up because they need to find themselves.. Even guys. At that age you're too young to know what freedom is and ... what it's really like to be truly on your own.. I think everyone needs time to be completely independent .. at least for a few years.. Don't take it personal.... Just don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she's up to, because you will likely never know. Out of sight, out of mind.... It's better not to know. You've done the right thing to go with no contact..
iceisles Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by ttjames Out of sight, out of mind.... It's better not to know. It sucks, but that seems to be status quo. People just don't have the courage to state the truth.
Author Ty Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 Its just so hard. Because up until this whole independence thing, our relationship was perfect. I think she really does feel like shes missing out on all the experiances and she doesn't want to have any regrets about how she didnt do something because she had a boyfriend. Its driving me nuts. they say "Absense makes the heart grow fonder". Maybe if i don't talk to her for a week or two she will begin to wonder what I am up to? I could just kick myself in the ass for calling her those first few days. I think she knows that she will not find a guy that treates her as good, understands her as well, loves her as much.. Truthfully, I said I loved her and all that before all this independence thing started but i never really realized how much i loved her until she started with the whole space thing. I'm just hoping me not contacting her will make her realize the same thing? I really don't think its another guy, I mean not being cocky, but I don't know what she is going to see in another guy that she doesnt see in me. Ive analyzed it everyway i could, and i really do think that she just needs this independence. Maybe she feels smothered, or its too hard to balance out all the things she is trying to do with me there?
EC Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 I don't think you should take it personal. She found you now but everyone needs some time alone. Completely alone to figure out who they are and get things out of their system. I had this episode too, I broke up with my guy because he was a jerk though and I took two years to myself. I wanted to make sure that I can be happy by myself and that I didn't have to depend on a guy. I had the same thought your gf did one day. My "jerk" bf had left out of town for a week and I stayed home. I remember waking up and having no one to call, no one to hang out with, no where to go. I was like wtf????? From then on I knew that if things didnt work out with my man I needed to be alone for a longggg time. Things didn't work out so I took two years off of relationships and Those were the best two years of my life. I don't think you should take what your gf said to heart, give her space, and then when and if she's ready if its meant to be she will come back.
iceisles Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by EC I don't think you should take it personal. She found you now but everyone needs some time alone. Completely alone to figure out who they are and get things out of their system. I had this episode too, I broke up with my guy because he was a jerk though and I took two years to myself. I wanted to make sure that I can be happy by myself and that I didn't have to depend on a guy. I had the same thought your gf did one day. My "jerk" bf had left out of town for a week and I stayed home. I remember waking up and having no one to call, no one to hang out with, no where to go. I was like wtf????? From then on I knew that if things didnt work out with my man I needed to be alone for a longggg time. Things didn't work out so I took two years off of relationships and Those were the best two years of my life. I don't think you should take what your gf said to heart, give her space, and then when and if she's ready if its meant to be she will come back. Two whole years? That's some hiatus.
EC Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Two whole years? That's some hiatus. Well after breaking up with "jerk" the first year i really didn't want a relationship I was in "i hate guys" mode lol And then the second year i just kinda dated around nothing serious. I had fun discovering what I liked and didnt like in guys, what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship, until I met my now current bf and everything is Great so far.
Author Ty Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 I don't know what do to with myself now. Its all i can think about. I know that if i contact her it will push her away for sure. She said she needed me to understand this because if she is ever going to make me happy, she has to be happy with herself, and that i don't deserve to be treated the way i had been in the past few months. This is true, I don't need that crap, I'm just hoping that time apart will make her realize that she really does miss me and all that... Is there a chance that this could happen and we get back together? Are we done forever? What do i say if she calls? I am worrying myself sick about this, I am going down to Miami with a bunch of buddies for spring break tommorow. Our original plan was for me and her to go spend a quiet week at the beach . She was still talking about going down there and having a good time with me last weekend. But then just came over and broke up with me. I think she is going somewhere on spring break as well . I put a message up on my profile thing that said leaving for Miami tommorow for break.. so incase she saw it she wouldnt think i was just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and worrying about her. I'm just trying to be strong and give her all the independence she needs, I just don't want her to think im sitting her torturing myself (which i am).
EC Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 I am worrying myself sick about this, I am going down to Miami with a bunch of buddies for spring break tommorow. Our original plan was for me and her to go spend a quiet week at the beach . She was still talking about going down there and having a good time with me last weekend. But then just came over and broke up with me. I think she is going somewhere on spring break as well . I put a message up on my profile thing that said leaving for Miami tommorow for break.. so incase she saw it she wouldnt think i was just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and worrying about her. I'm just trying to be strong and give her all the independence she needs, I just don't want her to think im sitting her torturing myself (which i am). Your going to Miami!! LOL I am there..going to the beach tomorrow actually for spring break lots of Wet T shirt contests there to help you get over it!!! I'll find ya and buy ya some drinks! But honestly calling her will probably push her away more. At least she is being honest with you instead of stringing you along and treating you badly. If she does come back to you in a couple of months or weeks then good, hopefully thats all the time she needed. Its better she goes through this now then in the future when you are more serious. Take this time for you too! Come here to Miami, have fun, its springbreak. Go out. Enjoy yourself. I mean theres no way to really deal with this, you just have to respect her decision and only time will tell. Dontcha hate ya don't have a crystal ball???
ttjames Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Wet T shirt contests WHere Where??? That will make me forget just about everythng
Author Ty Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 Man, I want her back so much, I want to call her and her tell me everything is ok. I know that if i call it will only make matters worse and probably push her away for good. I know she needs this independence and time away from relationships to find out who she is, but doesn't she miss me also. She would have to, she used to be soo madly in love with me but this independence and wanting to experiance things on her own has totally taken over her. I told her she could lose the best thing that ever happened to her and she said "its a risk i have to take" "I have to do this". How can one be willing to sacrafice love and a wonderful relationship just because they need independence? The worst thing about it is, she knows what a wonderful relationship it was, and she knows all the things I could offer her, all the love i could provide, but she made it clear that this was the most important thing in her life right now. I know its not another guy, or atleast I think I know. I don't know what she would "trade up" to. I am pretty confident that I had everything to offer her and that noone else could offer more. She also reassured this. I just don't understand how someone can be so selfish and risk losing a beautiful thing for independence. Maybe its so she won't have any regrets or so she won't have to do this a few years down the road when we are engaged? Maybe she is scared of the commitment and feels she needs to be on her own first to know she didn't miss anything before she got so serious? I have never been dumped before, in all my relationships. This is also the first time I have been truly in love. The sad part is I didn't really realize it until she started pushing herself away from me. Really though, I sit here and ask myself, why do i want to be with someone who has someone more important on their agenda than me? Why would I want to be with someone who put me on the back-burner? But i soon forget about all that and all i can think about is me missing her, missing the companionship, missing being intimate, hugs, kisses, I love yous. Knowing that she is there beside me at night. Maybe I am just reading way too much into this and the girl just really does need her ***king independence. I am just going to stick to the NC rule and see what happens. If she bucks up and realizes that she loves me and misses me fine, even though even now it would be so hard for me to take her back. Maybe she needs to get all of this out of her system before she can really give me 100 percent like she used to. Or maybe things just weren't meant to be... I just hope its not the case.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 You should both take ths time to find yourselves and find out what you would do without each other around. You can still have the same respect for yourself and for her and not sleep around, and if she feels the same way as you, she won't do this either. Maybe you will end up together, and maybe you will each find happiness with someone new in a few years. I know it hurts right now, but better that you both take time off. When I broke up after 4 yrs when I was 20 (he was 22) I ran around and partied and he stayed home and sulked for six months. We got back together for 2 yrs and I was ready to settle down. Him? He had to "find" himself and that was the end of that. I married someone else a few years later and he married someone else about ten years later (ha, took him that long to get over me). Oh, and he found himself alright. He begged me to come back a few months after he dumped me.
Author Ty Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 Guys and gals, I need your replies, give me some advice...
ttjames Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 don't call her!! don't contact her at all! Chill,,, find something to do.. Watch the movie "swingers". Don't be like mikey
Numb Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 TT, I know how you feel man, I am going threw the same dam thing except we are over no going back. She said the same thing "she needs a break from us" just to find out she was seeing another guy for the last 8 months, you don't even know how bad that hurts and its been 3 months and still hurts like hell. The sucky part is there is nothing you can do but ignore her and let her go, calling her is only going to confuse you and push her away and of coarse make you hurt all over again. We where together for 3 years just to find this out at the end.......it hurts bad bro. Just hang in there buddy and DO NOT contact her at all.
julieg Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 i broke up with my ex after 4 years at age 20. great relationship, i was crazy about him and he was the gold standard by which i judged all guys after him by. why then??? i took him for granted, i thought that we'd eventually get back together one day. i was calling the shots and never thought that it was really over. crazy wasn't i?!!! it drove me almost insane that he went nc and when hestarted to date someone within months of me breaking up. i wasn't dating anyone, i was hanging with lots of guy friends and going out enjoying "the single life". despite being such a busy time of my life going to college, working, socializing etc . i had grad school ahead of me and engagement and marriage were not in my plans AT ALL. note: parental influence. my parents absolutely did not want me to get married before age 25. also what if i were to meet "someone better" along the way (which a good chance could happen) then instead of breaking up after 4 years it would be even longer. i would often think that i should ask for him back. i was torn between having so much fun, meeting other guy friends, flirting etc and having my whole life a blank slate ahead of me that i must have blocked out my love for him by not dwelling on thoughts of "us" i say this because years later (15+) after we were both married with children to other people, i all of a sudden started to dwell on him. i started having nighly dreams of us. i became obsessed with what if...... i think that it was all those feelings that i buried coming out uncontrolably. also i never told him exactly why i was breaking up with him. it was so----o cruel and selfish of me. but what can you expect from a 20 year old girl but immaturity? right? i would never wish for any of my boys to experience what i did to him- 4 years and then slow distancing and them poof goodbye. so i hope that i helped you. julie
ttjames Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 wow.. thanks for sharing your story julie... I never heard the othersides perspective with hindsight.
Author Ty Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Ok so I went to Florida for spring break, something happened the last day I was there so I call her because I had to have someone to talk to about it. We talk about it and I say I want to be friends because if we can't be together now, I don't want to totally lose her. Not like friends that goto parties or anything like that, just go out to dinner or watch a movie everynow and then. She agrees. I ask her to hang out in a few days when I get back. She says she doesn't know if it is a good idea and she can't promise anything because she doesn't want to entice herself back into a relationship because she really needs to be on her own now. I told her I felt like this was a break and we were on "hold" until she figured this out. She said she didn't want to look at it as a break because she didn't know how long this would take. OK so on the ride home (15 hours) I had a massive realization. I wasn't happy with myself. That the only thing that made me happy was her, not myself. I feel now like being apart from her will help me to realize how to be happy on my own and how to feel good about myself as an individual, not as a couple. This is totally weird, because it is very similar to the things she is going through. Ok so she calls today and I tell her I don't think its a good idea we hang out. That we might be tempted to get back together when really what we need is to be alone. I told her my realization but she kept like butting in when i was talking, trying to control the conversation. I finally just told her to listen, and i said what i needed was to be alone, to do everything I want to do so i can look in the mirror and know that I am happy with myself. She agrees she needs to do the same. She kept saying things like I still want to be friends and talk occasionally, that she would talk to me on the computer (which is impossible because I blocked her and I figure if she wants to talk, it will be on the phone or in person, the whole computer talking is so impersonal). I tell her "you know my number" and shes like "yea well you know mine too" She says "take care of yourself" before we hang up. --- I made it a point to be the one to end the conversation, also i made it a point to say "I don't think its a good idea if we hang out" first. Until today she knew that she could have me back anytime she wanted to. I just wanted to show her I am strong and I'm not always going to be there. That I can move on and I don't need her pity. Noone wants someone who they feel sorry for. They want what they can't have, and she can't have me right now. I hope she is sitting over at her place thinking about this, maybe she is, maybe she isnt. I would put my money on she definately thought about it, because such a drastic change from wanting her back and wanting to hang out, to not wanting to hang out and not wanting her back and wanting to be alone (pardon the run-on sentence) Suggestions? comments? I really want her back but maybe this time spent bettering myself will pay off in the long run, also she is very confused and needs time to be herself and to figure things out on her own, not with me standing there beside her holding her hand through everything. So I'm not going to call her until she calls me. Going no contant now, I just didn't want to go no contact until she knew I was moving on and getting on with my life and what I want to do. Also, she knows we could never be like buddy buddy friends because there are too many feelings there to be like that. I guess time will tell if things ever work out with us, but in the mean time, I realize that being together is impossible because we both need room to be free, grow, and for her to figure out who she is and what she wants. What do "yall" think?
Author Ty Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Forgot to meantion... I feel now like her saying "take care of yourself" was like her having pity on me, which makes me pretty mad because I'm stronger than that and I don't need her &%*$ing pity. Also I saw one of her best friends today at the gym and we talked for a minute, I made sure to seem very happy and smile, all that. She asked me "are you doing ok" like she knew how upset I was about the whole thing, like my ex had told her how hard of a time I had dealing with it. I know she will go back and tell my ex how I didn't seem upset and I was smiling, seeming happy. More than anything, I do not want her to pity me and think that she is so great that I am over here shattered because of it. How do I show her I'm not weak and I'll be fine, or have I already shown her that because of what I did today and also being happy and friendly to her friend?
Author Ty Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 I just saw her. I was driving and in traffic and she walks up next to the car with one of her guy friends who I have been a bit suspicious about her hanging around. When she started having other friends it was because of him and all his friends. She was almost bouncing she was walking with so much confidence. She waved at me and smiled and I waved and smiled and they walked off. I feel like she has moved on and isn't thinking about me or maybe she is just hiding it? Please respond, I need your guys help.
backatone Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 F$ck this girl........... Think about it TY for a second. I am not trying to come down on you or your ex. But when I say f#ck this chick, I mean leave her stone cold. No calls, No emails, No Txt's......nothing. If you are in college this is even easier. If you see her, give her the Hi, Bye...thats it. Get some other girls ASAP. Even if they are friends........be seen with them...frequent parties with women no matter what they are to you (i.e. friends, potential Gf's, whatever). Let me spell this out for people that get the "I need space line".....it means I am too much of a chicken s*** to tell you that there is someone else, or you are not doing it for me. Ive used it, and had it used on me. That does not mean it is totally your fault. You are who you are.....and this person that told you they need space..does not want what you are or have to offer. Can it be anymore black and white. If you were Brad Pitt, would she say, "I need space brad." F^CK NO!!!! We make time for things in our life that matter the most. PERIOD. School may matter most, meeting other people may matter most........whatever it is..but it is not you right now. Don't worry about this TY!!! People break up, and sometimes it blind sides them. Remember how you felt when you met this ex girl of yours???? You can and will feel that again for another girl!!!! I repeat, You can and will feel this again for another girl!!!! Tell yourself that. And mean it when you say it. Engrain it in your head!!! Life is all about highs and lows. You have to experience this low to truly appreciate the highs. Also, I hope you learn something from this. YOU SHOULD! We all want what we can't have. That is human nature. Look at you right now. She does not want you, but your crazy for her. Do you think that this same thing can not happen to her??? Please, please meet other women, put an ad in match.com.......anything. Get your name and face out there and get some new women. Start working out tomorrow. RIGHT NOW. Do 100 push up's before you go to bed. You will feel better about yourself when you are done. Join a gym if you can...The therapy you get from seeing cute women work out and take care of their bodies is theraputic. Works for me. STOP PUTTING THIS GIRL ON A PEDESTAL. STOP PUTTING THIS GIRL ON A PEDESTAL. She is not f#cking Pam Anderson is she?? No, she is your ex. Beneath you now. Start thinking like that. TY you are the man. Start acting like it. By the way. It is best to just assume that there is someone else in her life. Prepare yoursefl for it, tell yourself its true.....jump that hurdle now, and the hit from it later will be less. Sorry, if what I say hurts. But I took the same advice that I just gave you!!!!!
Author Ty Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 Funny how when I read your reply, I was already thinking the same thing. your totally right, F$ck her man, if she doesn't want what I have to offer she is just dumb. I think this whole thing has showed me a major personality flaw in her. I'm done putting her on a pedastal, I'm way better than that. Who the f$ck is she anyway. Note: I have sent her a text a few days after we broke up, and also emailed her after i talked to her on sunday for her to mail my key to my apartment back. She hasn't, its like she doesn't want to mail it back and she is trying to keep from losing me totally or something, or incase she realizes how she messed up, then she can come running back to me. Tough shi%, because its never going to happen now. Pride has kicked in and I will not be treated like this. I want that key back because she will never feel totally alone until I have it back, and I will never feel like I have completely gotten over her until i get it back also. How do I get it back? The only way I can fathom is next time I see her out to tell her I don't ever want her back, and I don't trust her and especially don't trust her with the key to my living quarters, that she doesn't deserve it. Whadaya think? I goto the gym 3 times a week man. It is theraputic and makes me feel better about myself. Also, i realize now that after how bad she f$cked me and how i see this major personality flaw, that i could never take her back. I don't want her back. Ever. Yes I still love her and I miss her like crazy, but i deserve better than that. I deserve better than someone who is willing to give me up for something else she wants. I'm just going to turn my back, and never look back. Thank you all for the help, you've been great.
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