jbentley87 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Hello everyone! I have been reading the forums for some time now and finally I decided that I need some direct advice. I am on week 3 of NC and have definitely had many struggles along the way. I am 27 and she is 21. We have been together for two+ years. I am currently getting a start to my professional career and she is graduating this semester from college. She has never really lived on her own and is still living with her mother. What lead to the breakup was her blindsiding me with the idea that she was thinking of moving to New York City (a long ways away from our current city). I was dumbfounded by this suggestion of hers but didn't really make much of a fuss about it. The next day she requested that we take a 3 week break because we have a lot to figure out. Unfortunately I couldn't last but a week and demanded a meeting with her. At that meeting... she once and for all broke up with me. She said she wasn't sure at this time that she sees a future with me and basically needs space. I've struggled with the fact that I never once did anything to hurt her feelings and professed my love to her everyday through both actions and words. I know I would do whatever it takes to make her life better... even if that does mean letting her go. I understand that she is about to enter a new world (after college), but I don't think her world and mine are all that different. Personally, I still feel like I am in the same lost limbo that I was when I graduated college. Through reading these boards I have tried to accept the fact that she broke up with me, she voluntarily took me out of her life, and if she felt the same way about us as I did, she would contact me. All that said, I still find it hard to not hold on to what we had and think tomorrow will be the day she calls. One last note. In about two weeks is the birthday of her best friend that passed away. I was wanting to give her flowers and a thoughtful card to let her know I am sentimentally thinking of her. This would technically break NC... good idea or bad? Any advice would be welcomed and appreciated. Hope I didn't make this post too long!
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I'm sorry you are hurting. However, she is at a cross roads in her life. She is graduating college & wants to explore the world. It's an understandable plan. Unfortunately, her college BF doesn't fit into that plan. At 27 you are more established then she is & she knows you can't uproot your life. She doesn't want you to because she wants to explore on her own. You can wish her a Happy Birthday if you truly wish her well but don't kid yourself that you aren't using it as an excuse to talk to her & try to win her back. All you can do is let her go off to spread her wings. 1
AieshaR Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 What you've said in this post is so normal to what people feel in a break up. I know it's hard to let go, like the whole initial feeling of acceptance is so hard and you just reminisce about how beautiful everything was. Allow yourself to do this for a while (atleast 3 weeks) but then after completely getting that out of your system, you need to start building a strong mindset about this whole break up and accept that this was for the best as you both wanted different things. Technically, not to sound harsh..you guys wanted to go on different paths. Her wanting to move to New York obviously shows that you did have huge differences on what you both wanted with your futures. She's still quote young and is still figuring out what she wants, so I guess all you can do is just respect that. I think the idea of sending flowers for her bestfriend may be too much. I know that is such a beautiful gesture but I mean in order to move on you shouldn't do it. I mean that's unless your planning to do it every year..but that's really not ideal or logical. I think when it's her birthday, just pay your respects by thinking of her and wishing her a happy birthday where ever she is in heaven Good luck, I hope that helped
emi Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 When my ex and I broke up, my bday came before his, i was wondering all day whether he would text me or not, he did, with just 2 single word '' Happy birthday'' and my tears came flowing right down ( yeah he dumped me, and i realized i better off if he had not texted me). And then i wondered again that should i text him if his birthday comes, it gave me much headache and i decided to STOP thinking about it, and guess what, when his bday came, I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT. My point is : Do you want to move on? Do you feel you are emotionally stable enough not to feel break down if you get a reply from her or in another case you wont get any answer. If you dont think you can then just ignore it and move on man. Better sooner than later, just go NC
Author jbentley87 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 I want her to know that I understand what she is feeling. I haven't really made much ground on my professional career just yet. So to "uproot" myself at this point wouldn't be all that bad. She and I had talked about moving away together. We even went on several trips to Portland, OR because that is where we both wanted to live. I do want to give her flowers on her friends birthday just so that she knows I care. But if you all think it would just push her away more... then I probably shouldn't. Thanks for the advice. Of course, any more would be much appreciated!
stillafool Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 No, I too think it would be a bit much to give her flowers on her deceased friends birthday. If it were my deceased friend just having the flowers around me would be too much of a sad memory each time I looked at them. I think she will also think you are using it as an excuse to contact her. I know it's hard but try to move on because I think she wanted to be in a big city like NY to explore it - alone. I wish you the best in getting on track with your career. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Sending the flowers is a bad idea. Think of it this way - in the future, lets say you guys connect again - you can always say that while you thought about it, you felt it was inappropriate given where things stood with you. She will understand that. The alternative is far worse.
me85 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Flowers? No. If you want to reach out to her, only reach out via text or email saying, "I know today is a sad day for you. Hope you're alright." or something brief but thoughtful like that. I honestly believe she wants to move on. She's been with you for 2 years but now she's becoming a real adult for sure...finishing college and moving out on her own. The age difference is a bigger deal than people want to admit. I'm so sorry. I promise I don't mean to sound mean. My heart goes out to you. I've been hurt by past lovers many times. I hope you feel cheered up soon!
Author jbentley87 Posted October 23, 2014 Author Posted October 23, 2014 My ex and I have been NC for almost a month now (with a few slip ups) and I am the dumpee. In about a week and a half it is going to be a sad day for her. I want to console her on that day, but I want to continue to be stern in the NC rule. I do think I need to contact her and I was thinking via text. Should I tell her "I am thinking about you" etc.. etc..? I was going to send flowers but I determined that was too much. Please let me know what you think!
Simon Phoenix Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 Let her get support elsewhere. She doesn't get to get support from the person she decided to dump. And there's no such thing as "I've been in NC for a month with a few slipups". NC means absolutely no contact. You are in LC if you've been in any contact. But no, it's a horrible idea to be the emotional tampon right now. 2
SoThatHappened Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 This is what you posted in your original thread: I am on week 3 of NC and have definitely had many struggles along the way. I am 27 and she is 21. We have been together for two+ years. I am currently getting a start to my professional career and she is graduating this semester from college. She has never really lived on her own and is still living with her mother. What lead to the breakup was her blindsiding me with the idea that she was thinking of moving to New York City (a long ways away from our current city). I was dumbfounded by this suggestion of hers but didn't really make much of a fuss about it. The next day she requested that we take a 3 week break because we have a lot to figure out. Unfortunately I couldn't last but a week and demanded a meeting with her. At that meeting... she once and for all broke up with me. She said she wasn't sure at this time that she sees a future with me and basically needs space. She said she needs space. Give it to her. I know it sounds heartless to not send flowers or well-wishes on a hurtful day for someone. However, she decided she didn't want you in her life. That means she doesn't get things from you, whether it's gifts or communication. I've been there. You want to send something in order to get a response, mainly hoping she'll see it and realize she made a big mistake and wants to get back together. At best, she'll thank you for the gift or message, and you'll be left wanting more... I take that back... that's the worst that will happen (for you) and probably the likliest. You have to just cut yourself off. She asked for it, and it will start the healing process for you. 1
ThorntonMelon Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 Lets start with the basics here, because you've posted about NC/LC in numerous threads. NC isn't something that you get points for or a letter grade from school on. It's a process that this board focuses on because it's a very easy way to focus on how to recover from a breakup. Why do we recommend NC? Because your brain is scrambled - it isn't capable of anything remotely resembling rational thought. Anything you say and do is most likely going to be the wrong thing. Just for example I am going to just quote your above 2 posts and nothing else to point out the number of places your brain is currently deceiving you because your heart is controlling it. have been NC for almost a month now (with a few slip ups) Basically you can't control yourself from talking to someone who doesn't want to talk to you. I am the dumpee I know you're just trying to explain that she dumped you and vice versa, but even using that term is victim terminology. Your relationship ended, and it wasn't by your choice. But you're not a victim of anything, you're just unhappy with something that happened in your life. I want to console her on that day You want to be the guy she wants to console her. Big difference. What possible reason would you have to want to console her right now? She's asked for space from you. You should be upset with her and yet your focus is on taking care of her. I want to continue to be stern in the NC rule Sounds like you're worried about that letter grade again. The reason you don't make contact is that when you make contact, it will hurt. You're like a drug addict right now. Contact with her is your hit. This has nothing to do with being stern. It's about you surviving and thriving. I do think I need to contact her "Need"? For what reason? I think you'll find the need is your need, not hers. Should I tell her "I am thinking about you" etc.. etc..? She knows you are, already. And in those 5 words you have spent more time focused on her wishes than you have probably spent on your own needs since you guys broke up. Plus, texting sucks. I was going to send flowers but I determined that was too much. Yes, it was too much, and again, you're thinking about winning her back, you're certainly not thinking about what either of you needs. And your constant strategizing about the relationship is your way of not letting go. What lead to the breakup was her blindsiding me with the idea that she was thinking of moving to New York City What led to the breakup was her deciding she no longer wanted to be with you anymore. The next day she requested that we take a 3 week break because we have a lot to figure out. Slow burn..... Unfortunately I couldn't last but a week and demanded a meeting with her. Actually, other than the fact that it again shows your complete lack of self control, this was the only good thing I've seen that you've done. You correctly smelled out that something was really wrong and instead of letting her call the shots, you demanded resolution to the issue. You of course think this is why she dumped you. Which is nothing resembling the truth. She dumped you because she wasn't interested anymore, which has nothing to do with your demand to discuss your relationship. She said she wasn't sure at this time that she sees a future with me and basically needs space. You're not part of her future. Which means you're not her friend in the future, she's a fond memory. The more you refuse to accept that, the more pain you cause yourself. And you most certainly aren't impressing her by refusing to accept reality. 4
xUnknown Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 Melon was spot on, with everything. Please head his advice.
Author jbentley87 Posted October 23, 2014 Author Posted October 23, 2014 Melon, Are you speaking from experience? If so, how did it work out for you? I appreciate your advice tremendously, but I sense a bit of anger in your post.
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 You only want to do this because you think if you do, she's magically going to come back to you. What exactly is this sad thing that will happen in 2 weeks? I reached out when family members of EXs died, especially if I knew the person who died. Otherwise, you need to leave her be.
ralfgarnett Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 (edited) Its not worth it don't do it, in fact she isn't worth it don't do it, this past Monday was my father in laws birthday, but he died in 2012, so being a decent bloke who knew him for 18 years I e-mailed my wife this: "Hi xxxx just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you all today, been there myself far too many times now so I know how it feels, I hope you all get through the day the best you can without too much sadness, please tell your mum, xxxxxx , and xxxxxx that they are in my thoughts and prayers today". And guess what even though I genuinely meant every word I said the miserable screwed up b-tch couldn't even be polite enough to acknowledge it, so she can go and f-ck herself from now on and I suggest you think the same. Edited October 23, 2014 by ralfgarnett
ThorntonMelon Posted October 23, 2014 Posted October 23, 2014 Not a bit of anger in my posting. I think if it came from anger you would see others calling me out for it. Maybe a bit blunt, but not angry in the least. The idea is by shooting straight with you, you hopefully see things the way we do. And we've all been broken up with, so I am not sure what you mean by what my experience is. If I have any emotion in this situation, it's compassion for you. Here you are, months after a girl dumps you without warning, tries the slow burn, never has the balls to really be honest with you about things (at least until the very end), and you, being a good guy, are still trying to figure out how to be there for her. It makes me want much, much better for you. 2
loversquarrel Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 Bad idea. I have lost 5 of my friends over the years, three of them very close to me. In that span I have been married, divorced and even broken up with a few girlfriends. Not once did any of them ever bring up their deaths. It just seems very awkward to do such a thing, you weren't even married to this woman.
Author jbentley87 Posted October 24, 2014 Author Posted October 24, 2014 Thanks Melon... She definitely never had the guts to come clean with me and wanted to do the slow burn. I am glad I confronted her within a week and got the real answer... although I still think she still lacked the courage to say any more. I hope "much, much better" is out there!
Author jbentley87 Posted November 4, 2014 Author Posted November 4, 2014 Well if you read earlier posts in this thread you would know that I had been contemplating contacting my ex on a day that is going to be very hard for her due to it being her deceased best friend's birthday. Today is that day. I have been out of contact 100% with her for 3 weeks 2 days now and have made the ultimate decision that I will not contact her today. Initially I thought... I am going to send her flowers and a card and the whole shebang. Then, I started to think maybe I will just send her a nice text. I've struggled with not contacting her today because I truly don't want her to be sad and in no way was my intention to get her focus on me. But through some deep thought about it, I have decided that I will not contact her. #1 she does not seem to care that I have been in pain after dumping me and has made no attempts to contact me #2 her actions have made it clear that she does not want me in her life right now #3 relating to #2.... I will not be consoling somebody who voluntarily took me out of their life. #4 she does not deserve my genuine kindness and love which I showed her if she doesn't want to be with me because giving her that comfort and satisfaction now would just let her continue to be perfectly fine with her decision. Like I said, it is hard to keep my feelings bottled up and not say anything, but this is the decision that has to be made. Thanks LS peeps!
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