Unexpected quick and heavy feelings for a decade long friend.

[kaylan]

Sounds like it wasn't meant to be. Still, it's a very precious and valuable life experience.

 

As for the last sentence, is there any other way to fall for someone? Falling in love involves a tremendous amount of vulnerability. The more real it is, the bigger the risk. In a healthy situation, the risk is mutually taken and both partners steadily escalate the attachment, abating the feelings of vulnerability. But the vulnerability is pure and real. God, if my husband had a midlife crisis and left me, I'd be a damned puddle on the floor for a while. My heart is completely in his hands, raw and unprotected.

 

At least you know that you have the capacity to feel that kind of connection. I'm not sure everyone does. You'll meet the right one. You're one step readier by virtue of this person.

What sucks is that I know that between us, we could have an amazing passionate, caring, and connected romance...just like FitChick was saying. My friend and I are both very heart-on-our-sleeves kinds of people, hugely caring, and also very sexual. Its just very lame to think of what could have been. I feel like even if it didnt work in the long run, we could have had something good for a while.

 

Out of all the women Ive felt strongly for in my life...I feel like my friend is the only woman who I truly felt deep down I could create an "incredible relationship of depth and intimacy"(as FitChick said). I feel like I could have connected with her in a way I havent with anyone else in the past.

 

Oh Wells. Thanks for your posts.

Edited October 18, 2014 by kaylan

[Eighty_nine]

The risk of losing the friendship isnt too scary for me...because we have had a period where we didnt talk for a while. The scary part is getting even closer to someone Ive known so long, and dealing with that sort of heartache is it fails.

 

I dunno if that makes sense to you. I could be ok and deal with losing a friend...even though it would suck. But we have both had crappy dating lives in the past that I dont know how in the world I could deal with starting something romantic with her and then having it blow up.

 

The pit in my stomach now feels bad, but is bearable love sickness. I dont do well when dealing with legit heartache breakups though.

I wouldnt want a girl under these circumstances. She should know what she wants. She's old enough.

 

Nobody knows exactly what they want.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Ok so I spoke to her, and basically she said she was glad I brought it up, but that shes not ready to date again. Shes had 3 very bad relationships (abusive) in the last 5 years and she doesnt wanna go through anything else right now. (which makes ya wonder why I even got to this place emotionally)

 

Then I asked her if she ever thought about things going anywhere with me, and she said she didnt because of the things Ive said. Like I said in my OP, Ive said things to her that could easily make her think her circumstances or who she is, is not what I want in a woman. I mean, the things I said to her were said when I simply was being real with a friend. But now I feel stupid about those things because they dont matter because of the way I feel about her.

 

Like when it comes to her, right now, I just want her. And all those things Ive said before about what I was looking for dont mean as much. But I cant take those things back. And I told her, that in all honesty...the reason I was able to be real with her and talk to her like one of my bros, was because I was so used to her rebuffing me, even when we flirted or had some tension.

 

And now she's rebuffed me again. So I dunno what to say. I spoke to her int he past the way I did because I just thought "hey she's just my friend"...and I was used to being told or made to feel just that.

 

This all said...last weekend really screwed with my mind. And I wish I could shake these emotions. I wont lie, this ish hurts and the friendship will likely be dead in the water now. She said she can be ok with being friends if I could...but I dunno how after all I said.

 

Normally I dont spill my guts to a woman...but Ive known this girl for so long...and I just couldnt bury this

 

Is the clarity you got from talking to her providing a bit of relief (albeit a sad one) or is it all gloom and heartbreak and misery and sorrow?

(hoping it's the former:))

[kaylan]

Is the clarity you got from talking to her providing a bit of relief (albeit a sad one) or is it all gloom and heartbreak and misery and sorrow?

(hoping it's the former:))

Its the latter sadly. I feel at a loss here and the friendship cant be the same, if it continues at all. Ill be honest...this all hurts a lot.

[FitChick]

It doesn't matter what you told her before about her not being your type or whatever it was. That was THEN. You know differently now. You've grown and changed. Tell her this.

 

As for her not wanting any relationship because of abusive past boyfriends, they weren't YOU and you aren't THEM. Tell her this.

 

My concern would be that she would sabotage your relationship because she believes she doesn't deserve love. She is acting/reacting to beliefs she has about herself and men. It has nothing to do with you personally.

[kaylan]

It doesn't matter what you told her before about her not being your type or whatever it was. That was THEN. You know differently now. You've grown and changed. Tell her this.

I told her this. I told her I was stupid and stubborn in what I thought was my type. I told her I never expected these feelings, but that all this taught me that I cannot control what I feel. I said to her that I mean it when I say I care about her, and that I mean it when I say circumstances dont matter in all this and that my feelings do matter.

 

So I cannot do anymore than I have done. I dont wanna become a bother and seem needy, clingy, or desperate. If anything Ive learned not to look at dating as a check-box type deal. If ya feel something, ya feel something, and circumstances arent that important.

 

As for her not wanting any relationship because of abusive past boyfriends, they weren't YOU and you aren't THEM. Tell her this.

Yeah I told her this too...but I cannot blame her for not wanting to get strong feelings for anyone. I mean, she knew a couple of these guys longer than she's known me, and they surprised her with their behavior. I told her that I know for a fact I would never raise my hand to a woman, but there's no way to prove that to her given what shes been through with men she thought she knew well.

My concern would be that she would sabotage your relationship because she believes she doesn't deserve love. She is acting/reacting to beliefs she has about herself and men. It has nothing to do with you personally.

Amazing that you mention this. A mutual friend of ours (who's also one of her best friends) said the same thing. The mutual friend said to me: "You're not undesirable, if anything you're a temptation that she can't handle. You're offering the kind of relationship that she's always wanted, but for some reason, doesn't believe that she deserves. She knows this and is working on that. Until then, to get in a relationship with you, it'll destroy even your friendship."

 

The thing is, I dunno how much I believe all that. I told the mutual friend that I should face reality...and what I feel the reality is, is that my friend simply doesn't fancy me for whatever reason. And for whatever reason she has fancied the guys from her failed relationships, and fancies the more current guy she has had no deep feelings for.

 

She will talk to me about not really being into the guys shes dated over the last year...but then tell me that hooking up with me would make her catch feelings. But then when I do say I see her as more than a hookup, she rebuffs me. So yeah, I really think its just that I should accept that she prolly just doesn't fancy me.

[kaylan]

It doesn't matter what you told her before about her not being your type or whatever it was. That was THEN. You know differently now. You've grown and changed. Tell her this.

 

As for her not wanting any relationship because of abusive past boyfriends, they weren't YOU and you aren't THEM. Tell her this.

 

My concern would be that she would sabotage your relationship because she believes she doesn't deserve love. She is acting/reacting to beliefs she has about herself and men. It has nothing to do with you personally.

Went to bed thinking about her, had a dream about her, and woke up thinking about her. I almost wrote her a long email. This just sucks. I really wish I could control who I fall for and when I fall for anyone.

[kaylan]

Ok, so I was dumb and wrote that letter to her. Meh. We didnt talk much for two days and then she called me last night as she was out drinking with her new roommate and we didnt talk long. She's never called me like that, and considering its a weeknight, and shes got work and family responsbilities, that put me off.

 

Oh, and I found out shes bipolar. I always knew she had depression issues...but I thought that was mostly due to her ex bf that she was with for years. After doing some research on how bipolar people behave in relationships and with friends, it made me really concerned about moving forward in any capacity...especially considering the (what I thought) was an out of character drunken weeknight and calling me.

 

I just feel a bad omen. Granted in the ten years Ive known her, she didnt seem too out of sorts minus typical relationship, dating, and life issues...but these revelations are eye opening. Reading this stuff on the net about bipolarity is scary as fudge.