Unexpected quick and heavy feelings for a decade long friend.

[kaylan]

I have a friend Ive known for almost a decade. We were never super close, but lately our friendship has gotten closer. Sure in the past we've opened up to one another about things, hung out for bdays and stayed over at one another's place...but we never got to hang very often. So actually I could say we have been good friends that stayed in touch...but we were not super close before. We met when I lived in the big city, and Ive been in the burbs for the last several years (I moved for college and never went back to the city, but may soon)

 

 

Anyways, I work closer to the city now and we've been hanging out more....and I feel like I've fallen hard for my friend. We've been getting to know one another better it seems...and things feel different. It's weird and scary because there are certain things about her that I'm used to telling myself would be dealbreakers. And hell, during our friendship we have spoken about the kinds of people we like to date, and based on the things we say to one another, itd be easy for us both to think the other wouldnt be interested in anything fruitful.

 

 

Like in the past and even recently, we talk about the people we date, screw, loved, had our hearts broken by, etc. So we've established with one another the kinda people we like. Also, a couple times in the past we've had brief convos regarding "if we ever hooked up". Sometimes she's made it seem like she would be for it, but usually she doesnt seem up to it and has rebuffed me the one time I made a real move in the past. The thing that confused me about that is that she's not someone whos against casual dating. We would flirt, but she would then say something to the effect of not seeing me that way. Anyways thats the past.

 

 

Recently this passed weekend I spent the entire weekend with her. We had a good time out friday with my friends, and I made a move friday night. She said "im not having sex" and I told her "its not about sex". Which it isnt. So I slept on the pull out couch in the living room, and she wakes me up early Saturday and lays next to me and started trying to spoon me (lol). So while that felt nice, I acted indifferent to it because I was tired and because I didnt understand the contact after she rebuffed me earlier.

 

 

Anyways, we hung out and watched movies and netflix all saturday afternoon and evening. We just talked and enjoyed a simple weekend. She made me breakfast, I helped out with a couple things around her place, and it was just chill. We just talked and talked all day...about life goals, work, dating, sex, family , etc.

 

 

We are always very open with each other. One thing that stuck out in my mind was her basically saying something to the tune of "we couldn't have sex because I know I would catch feelings". Im responded in a matter of fact way, agreeing that she'd likely be the one to catch feelings...despite the fact that mine had started to grow.

 

 

At night we actually cuddled up on the pullout and watched netflix and I fell asleep with her head in my chest. It all just felt very nice. When I woke though Sunday morning, she had gone to her bedroom. I went into her room and laid in bed with her and we just talked and stuff. I had a dream that night about my ex (from a few years back) so I told my friend about it. And as we got to talking about relationships she cried at one point because of her not too good relationship experiences, and because she feels pessimistic about her future dating.

 

 

Ive seen her cry before and in the past I was kind felt "lame, my friend is crying...what do i do". But this time it was like "damn...it sucks to see her cry, and I know exactly how shes feeling". Anyways, we just hung out lowkey during Sunday and then she walked with me a good mile or more to my train station.

 

 

The week has been weird because Ive been trying to talk to her more than in the past and making an attempt to show I wanna hang out more...but shes not giving a good vibe. All in all I feel stupid for even having feelings for her, considering how our friendship has been. We've always been very open about whats going on in our lives and confiding in one another. And hell, just a week or so ago I was telling her to go hang out with this guy who likes her...yet now I feel jealous about that situation.

 

 

Its just odd for me. I never expected to actually end up liking her like this, in all the years Ive known her. And nothings likely to happen since Ive spent most of our relationship, and even just a couple weeks ago, saying things that would make her think a guy like me wouldnt even want more than a casual fling from her. And tbh, part of the reason Ive always acted that way is because I always felt she would never see me in a romantic light. So I just treated her like a bro for the longest time. And yet here I am...with a freaking pit in my stomach when I think about all this.

 

Tbh, I know deep down that I shouldn't have these feelings. And Im trying to tell myself that she likely is not into me, and maybe the way we've been acting together is simply a matter of who's around. Its just not often I start thinking about someone this much or feel the way I am now...and plus, Im surprised in myself because in the past I was always sure Id never have serious feelings for her.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

You both are holding on to past issues with relationships. Though you seem to have let go enough to think about being close.

 

You can talk to her about your feelings for her, but I would not expect her to feel secure enough to say OK. Just let her know, and who knows another year or so, she may feel open enough to let go as well. Just allowing for closeness in sharing time like you did on the weekend, helps. As it is not pushing against her limits.

 

One thing I noticed... by you waking up alone Sunday morning. Seems like she feels something as well, and went in her room because she felt uneasy. Once you came to her room and talked with her, she allowed some of her issues out in the open. Thus allowing for trust in you. The more trust the better, so I would not stop and say you are the only one feeling something.

 

Hope you both can work things through together, as hoping for her to make the change of heart alone will be daunting.

 

PS Keep sex away from your actions, as she is torn by her feelings and trust... if she wants it she will let you know.

[kaylan]

thanks for the insight. I dont really have any real hopes that this will turn out ok though. Im invisioning things getting weird and us not talking as much.

[kaylan]

anyone else care to chime in?

[IronZ]

Tbh, I know deep down that I shouldn't have these feelings.

 

The thing about feelings is you can't control them. This has happened to me before. Sometimes you know someone so long that you grow more attached to them. It happens.

 

As far as what she's feeling goes, that's a conversation you need to have with her. But if you ask me, getting into bed with you and spooning is not something a "friend" does. Maybe she has feelings for you too but is trying to deny them because you two have been friends for so long that it seems weird. You need to get some clarity in the situation and I'm afraid I'm not a mind reader so I can't tell you.

[Snaggletooth]

Be very careful of becoming involved with long time friends. I did once, my oldest and closest female friend, We'd known each other since kids and there was always a spark that we never acted upon. We both married and lost touch for a while. Few years later we meet up again. Both single again. A year later we take the friendship further. We're happy. We joke about "When Harry met Sally". We talk about the years we wasted as friends when we could have been more. We naively said if we ever split we would still be the friends we once were to each other

 

Roll on, she cheated, we've never spoken since. I miss her not at all as a partner but even now, well into the second half of life, I sometimes miss her as the friend she was for the fifteen years before we got together.

 

If I were you, I would have a long hard think about how much you value the friendship because you will be risking it if you become more than friends. That's not to say to would never work, just that you will be risking the loss of something that is already precious to you.

[Eighty_nine]

I've recently had a similar situation occur. A friend of years told me he'd date me, we held hands and cuddled but I sorta rebuffed his dating offer. Then I did the same a second time, refusing to even cuddle.

 

Then he started liking another girl and acting like just a friend toward me again. Guess who felt jealous and like I had feelings for him again?

 

Based on what you've said,I think she's unsure. Feeling something in between. I can't say for sure, but I CAN tell you the one thing you can do to win her interest... Back off. Start acting totally platonic toward her. I can tell you with near certainty this will win over her romantic interest in you.

[IronZ]

Be very careful of becoming involved with long time friends. I did once, my oldest and closest female friend, We'd known each other since kids and there was always a spark that we never acted upon. We both married and lost touch for a while. Few years later we meet up again. Both single again. A year later we take the friendship further. We're happy. We joke about "When Harry met Sally". We talk about the years we wasted as friends when we could have been more. We naively said if we ever split we would still be the friends we once were to each other

 

Roll on, she cheated, we've never spoken since. I miss her not at all as a partner but even now, well into the second half of life, I sometimes miss her as the friend she was for the fifteen years before we got together.

 

If I were you, I would have a long hard think about how much you value the friendship because you will be risking it if you become more than friends. That's not to say to would never work, just that you will be risking the loss of something that is already precious to you.

 

No offense but that was completely and utterly her fault for cheating. Had she never done that and you guys simply separated as a couple, the friendship might have still worked. I'm friends with exes from relationships that ended on a mutual basis. I don't think we should be telling the guy not to go for something that might be really good for him. I don't think every friendship turned romance should be looked at in the same light, because normally people don't cheat on each other.

[Snaggletooth]

No offense but that was completely and utterly her fault for cheating. Had she never done that and you guys simply separated as a couple, the friendship might have still worked. I'm friends with exes from relationships that ended on a mutual basis. I don't think we should be telling the guy not to go for something that might be really good for him. I don't think every friendship turned romance should be looked at in the same light, because normally people don't cheat on each other.

 

Were you previously long time friends with those ex's? Did you have already have a close relationship to lose? A decade of friendship is not something to change without careful thought. That was the advice, nobody said not to go for it, just to think of long term consequences and to look before you leap. A "might" is not a definite, therefore a risk of lost long friendship is involved. A fella should look at all potential outcomes before making a decision. That's generally the advice from an older, wiser, more experienced person to a younger person.

Edited October 17, 2014 by Snaggletooth

[kaylan]

Were you previously long time friends with those ex's? Did you have already have a close relationship to lose? A decade of friendship is not something to change without careful thought. That was the advice, nobody said not to go for it, just to think of long term consequences and to look before you leap. A "might" is not a definite, therefore a risk of lost long friendship is involved. A fella should look at all potential outcomes before making a decision. That's generally the advice from an older, wiser, more experienced person to a younger person.

The risk of losing the friendship isnt too scary for me...because we have had a period where we didnt talk for a while. The scary part is getting even closer to someone Ive known so long, and dealing with that sort of heartache is it fails.

 

I dunno if that makes sense to you. I could be ok and deal with losing a friend...even though it would suck. But we have both had crappy dating lives in the past that I dont know how in the world I could deal with starting something romantic with her and then having it blow up.

 

The pit in my stomach now feels bad, but is bearable love sickness. I dont do well when dealing with legit heartache breakups though.

I've recently had a similar situation occur. A friend of years told me he'd date me, we held hands and cuddled but I sorta rebuffed his dating offer. Then I did the same a second time, refusing to even cuddle.

 

Then he started liking another girl and acting like just a friend toward me again. Guess who felt jealous and like I had feelings for him again?

 

Based on what you've said,I think she's unsure. Feeling something in between. I can't say for sure, but I CAN tell you the one thing you can do to win her interest... Back off. Start acting totally platonic toward her. I can tell you with near certainty this will win over her romantic interest in you.

I wouldnt want a girl under these circumstances. She should know what she wants. She's old enough. Plus I promised to myself in the past that I was done falling for women who were wishy washy.

 

Anyways, Im just not gonna even bother. I made an effort yesterday to spend time with her this weekend, but she would rather hang out with other folks...so its whatever.

 

She's known me long enough and well enough to know better than to try to run after me after Ive made it obvious that I fancy her. Im 28...im too old to be giving second chances to women who wouldnt take the first chance.

 

In the back of my mind I feel like she'd kick the sh!!t out of my heart anyways. So it is what it is. I guess all I know now is that the single game has gotten old, and that feelings can sneak up on me in a hurry.

 

After 5 years of choosing not to really look for something remotely serious, I really crave something different.

Edited October 17, 2014 by kaylan

[Snaggletooth]

The risk of losing the friendship isnt too scary for me...because we have had a period where we didnt talk for a while. The scary part is getting even closer to someone Ive known so long, and dealing with that sort of heartache is it fails.

 

I dunno if that makes sense to you. I could be ok and deal with losing a friend...even though it would suck. But we have both had crappy dating lives in the past that I dont know how in the world I could deal with starting something romantic with her and then having it blow up.

 

The pit in my stomach now feels bad, but is bearable love sickness. I dont do well when dealing with legit heartache breakups though.

 

None of us do, old boy.

 

I have to ask, if you feel you have nothing previous to lose, or that the loss of her friendship isn't scary, then how true is your care towards her? Do you care or desire? Answer that and you know which way to walk.

[Ruby Slippers]

I say keep spending time with her, and keep flirting. She might become more receptive in time.

 

My best relationships started as friendships that turned into best friendships and then romances. They usually heated up with a slow escalation of flirting from the man's side. One day he's touching your arm while talking to you, soon you're lying on the bed next to each other having deep conversation, before you know it you're making out! To me, the ideal partner is your best friend and lover.

 

At the end of your life, you won't regret the things you did, even if they didn't work out. You'll regret the things you wanted to do but didn't have the courage to do.

[kaylan]

None of us do, old boy.

 

I have to ask, if you feel you have nothing previous to lose, or that the loss of her friendship isn't scary, then how true is your care towards her? Do you care or desire? Answer that and you know which way to walk.

I do care. But Im just used to running away from things and erasing people when I need to fix my emotions.

 

Its much better for me to cut a quick cord than to prolong my exposure to something that will likely hurt a lot. Do you get it somewhat?

 

Im willing to deal with it hurting now, rather than put myself in a place of unbelievable sorrow like Ive been in the past. Part of the reason Ive been single for 5 years (nvm the trust issues or simple desire to date around), is the fact that I get incredibly depressed when going through a breakup with someone I care deeply for.

 

The breakup with my ex had me thinking about suicide a lot. I couldn't function in school, I couldn't work...and I would just cry and lay in bed. And nowadays I don't talk to many people when I feel down. So with less outlets when things go wrong, I wouldn't know how to cope with having any sort of meaningful romantic relationship fail.

Edited October 17, 2014 by kaylan

[Snaggletooth]

I do care. But Im just used to running away from things and erasing people when I need to fix my emotions.

 

Its much better for me to cut a quick cord than to prolong my exposure to something that will likely hurt a lot. Do you get it somewhat?

 

Im willing to deal with it hurting now, rather than put myself in a place of unbelievable sorrow like Ive been in the past. Part of the reason Ive been single for 5 years (nvm the trust issues or simple desire to date around), is the fact that I get incredibly depressed when going through a breakup with someone I care deeply for.

 

The breakup with my ex had me thinking about suicide a lot. I couldn't function in school, I couldn't work...and I would just cry and lay in bed. And nowadays I don't talk to many people when I feel down. So with less outlets when things go wrong, I wouldn't know how to cope with having any sort of meaningful romantic relationship fail.

 

So you know which way to walk but are spooked to do so. Nowt wrong with that. Time and patience will be your friend.

[kaylan]

I say keep spending time with her, and keep flirting. She might become more receptive in time.

 

My best relationships started as friendships that turned into best friendships and then romances. They usually heated up with a slow escalation of flirting from the man's side. One day he's touching your arm while talking to you, soon you're lying on the bed next to each other having deep conversation, before you know it you're making out! To me, the ideal partner is your best friend and lover.

 

At the end of your life, you won't regret the things you did, even if they didn't work out. You'll regret the things you wanted to do but didn't have the courage to do.

Thats the thing though. Im too old for girls who need to come around. I need women who want me and know what they want.

 

Thanks for the advice though. Ill be strong and overcome all this though. I just had a long talk with a mutual friend and it put things in perspective.

[FitChick]

It sounds like you both are trying to play it cool as if it isn't important. I'd put my cards on the table. As long as you both agree to try to make it work and how much you value each other I think this could be an incredible relationship of depth and intimacy. Don't try to control and second guess. If you needed to, go for couples counseling.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Tell her.

 

She can't read your mind and your intentions. If she still turns you down t least you'll have your answer and can move on.

[kaylan]

^I just might. Keeping this to myself is driving me crazy. I dont expect good results...but I need to let it out.

[Art_Critic]

You both are already in a relationship and are too scared from your past to acknowledge it, in fact you both have created a wall to make yourselves feel better about it.

 

What would I do... hummm..

I think I would keep doing what I was doing and push some at the right times to see if the wall can be torn down to see if the real feelings would be allowed to come out, I also might see if the sex thing is really off the table or if that is the wall.....

 

Good for you Kaylan... have fun....

[xxoo]

Sounds like a "how I met the love of my life" story if I ever heard one!

 

It's a leap to move from friends to lovers. A battle between the mind and the heart. Don't be too hard on her for being scared. Like you, she probably realizes that she'd fall hard and fast if sex entered the equation.

[kaylan]

Sounds like a "how I met the love of my life" story if I ever heard one!

 

It's a leap to move from friends to lovers. A battle between the mind and the heart. Don't be too hard on her for being scared. Like you, she probably realizes that she'd fall hard and fast if sex entered the equation.

Eh, I dont really know. Like I said, she's rebuffed me more than once now...so I dont put too much stock in her saying she would catch feelings if we had sex. Honestly Im banking on it simply being her not being into me.

[kaylan]

Ok so I spoke to her, and basically she said she was glad I brought it up, but that shes not ready to date again. Shes had 3 very bad relationships (abusive) in the last 5 years and she doesnt wanna go through anything else right now. (which makes ya wonder why I even got to this place emotionally)

 

Then I asked her if she ever thought about things going anywhere with me, and she said she didnt because of the things Ive said. Like I said in my OP, Ive said things to her that could easily make her think her circumstances or who she is, is not what I want in a woman. I mean, the things I said to her were said when I simply was being real with a friend. But now I feel stupid about those things because they dont matter because of the way I feel about her.

 

Like when it comes to her, right now, I just want her. And all those things Ive said before about what I was looking for dont mean as much. But I cant take those things back. And I told her, that in all honesty...the reason I was able to be real with her and talk to her like one of my bros, was because I was so used to her rebuffing me, even when we flirted or had some tension.

 

And now she's rebuffed me again. So I dunno what to say. I spoke to her int he past the way I did because I just thought "hey she's just my friend"...and I was used to being told or made to feel just that.

 

This all said...last weekend really screwed with my mind. And I wish I could shake these emotions. I wont lie, this ish hurts and the friendship will likely be dead in the water now. She said she can be ok with being friends if I could...but I dunno how after all I said.

 

Normally I dont spill my guts to a woman...but Ive known this girl for so long...and I just couldnt bury this

[xxoo]

I'm sorry you're hurting

 

Consider it a learning experience about what you're really looking for in a partner. You were talking to her like a buddy, but even what you were saying (and believing at the time) is a bunch of drivel. Until you connected with her on this level, you didn't know what you'd really want. Is all about that connection and intimacy (btw, that's what makes sex amazing, too, far more than lists of what a partner has/doesn't have, will/won't do, etc).

 

You've often come across as very sure if what your future partner will need to be, and it's something for you to be careful about. First, its probably not accurate. Second, that attitude could drive away someone who would make you very happy.

[kaylan]

I'm sorry you're hurting

 

Consider it a learning experience about what you're really looking for in a partner. You were talking to her like a buddy, but even what you were saying (and believing at the time) is a bunch of drivel. Until you connected with her on this level, you didn't know what you'd really want. Is all about that connection and intimacy (btw, that's what makes sex amazing, too, far more than lists of what a partner has/doesn't have, will/won't do, etc).

 

You've often come across as very sure if what your future partner will need to be, and it's something for you to be careful about. First, its probably not accurate. Second, that attitude could drive away someone who would make you very happy.

Thanks for the post. Seems very true.

 

Im of two minds of this though;

 

1. Feeling like I did drive her away based on how stubborn Ive been about what my woman should be like. (but like I said...I wouldnt have shared these things with her if I wasnt always so sure she wasnt into me). I dunno how she can say shes never really thought about an "us", despite all the opening up we've done over the years, combined with the flirting, and especially combined with last weekend.

 

I dont have chick friends like that who behave that way with me and didnt have feelings.

 

2. Im wondering if I am dodging a bullet. She has had a rough relationship past...much worse than mine (despite mine being crappy as well)..and given how her single life and relationship life has gone over the years...theres a strong fear that she'd chew me up and spit me out (despite her failed relationships having her getting the brunt of the pain)

 

This situation just reminds me of what went on before I got into a relationship with my ex. We were good friends first, and then when I confessed my feelings, she said she didnt feel the same/wasnt ready for anything serious. But then the way we acted together didnt seem all that platonic.

 

Anyways she eventually confessed to having feelings and what followed was a relationship in which I felt insecure about her feelings, and felt like we both had to deal with her unresolved past issues. I seem to have a habit of falling for chicks who can likely kick the sh!!t of my heart.

[xxoo]

Anyways she eventually confessed to having feelings and what followed was a relationship in which I felt insecure about her feelings, and felt like we both had to deal with her unresolved past issues. I seem to have a habit of falling for chicks who can likely kick the sh!!t of my heart.

 

Sounds like it wasn't meant to be. Still, it's a very precious and valuable life experience.

 

As for the last sentence, is there any other way to fall for someone? Falling in love involves a tremendous amount of vulnerability. The more real it is, the bigger the risk. In a healthy situation, the risk is mutually taken and both partners steadily escalate the attachment, abating the feelings of vulnerability. But the vulnerability is pure and real. God, if my husband had a midlife crisis and left me, I'd be a damned puddle on the floor for a while. My heart is completely in his hands, raw and unprotected.

 

At least you know that you have the capacity to feel that kind of connection. I'm not sure everyone does. You'll meet the right one. You're one step readier by virtue of this person.