Do you think its unfair to try and find love and date if your not fully happy?

[DirtyHairy]

Well I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about this.

People keep saying and I keep reading everywhere that if you want to be in a relationship you first have to be 100% happy and 100% okay with being single and stuff like that.

 

Well I feel like I'm never happy being single and quite frankly I'm lonely when I am so I always am trying to seek out someone to date while I'm single. I'm not always in a relationship though so its not like I jump from one relationship to the next immediately after being dumped (was 8 or more months after a ltr to find someone)

 

Once I got into the new relationship after the 8 months of being single and unhappy and lonely (I was constantly searching) I was happy as can be. I think I got way to attached way to fast tho and she ended it with me.

 

Anyways what I'm asking is should you wait till your happy being single or happy in general before you start to try to seek out a partner? Even when you know being in a relationship makes you happy and completes you?

I just don't want to be some ultra clingy or parasitic person in a relationship and maybe that's why I get clingy?

 

Should I give up on dating and finding the one?

Thoughts? I appologize if that was a little all over the map lol

[rdet123]

I think it's most definitely important to be happy in your life while being single. I think when you are happy just in your own presence it is sensed by other people and in turn makes you more attractive. I can always spot someone who is genuinely a happy person and has things going for them. Those are the people I want to hang out with!

 

No one person can make you happy, it all has to come from within yourself. Once you figure that out the right person will come along without you even trying. So my advice for now is try to discover the person you truly are and try to make yourself the best you can be. When you love yourself, you'll find a quality person who loves you just as much!

[mightycpa]

Should I give up on a) dating and b) finding the one?

 

a) No.

b) Yes.

 

The real trouble with "other people completing you" is that you become a burden eventually, because you're incomplete. The best relationships happen when both people contribute.

 

What you've described is neediness and taking. You need to be a complete person in and of yourself. You need to have something to give, as well as to take. An incomplete person simply cannot give enough to others, because they are not 100%. They can't even complete themselves, so how can they possibly give to another.

 

The most attractive people you'll ever meet seem to have it all. They are confident, they have passions, they are content, and they're not self-absorbed. It is because they are totally comfortable with themselves. I know you've met people like this.

 

Become like that, and women will pursue you in droves. I'm not saying you won't want to have people in your life. I'm saying you won't NEED people to be who you are. It's a paradox, but once you've been there, it is so easy to understand.

 

It is important, very, very important to work on yourself before you try to work on others.

[IronZ]

For the most part I'm pretty happy with my life, but I get moments where I'm not too. However, I find that dating and being in a relationship actually brings me quite a bit of happiness. Sometimes I get lonely. In that case it's not unfair at all to seek love when that's what would fix the loneliness.

[HereNorThere]

Happiness is mostly just brain chemistry and that chemistry is constantly changing. Sure, our environment does does have some effect on that chemistry, but not nearly as much as we would like to think. That's why some people have it all and end up committing suicide and some people have nothing and are completely content.

 

Looking for happiness in other people will get you nowhere. Look for healthy people who take responsibility for their own happiness and treat you well.

[CrazyCat17]

As someone single, I believe you should feel good about your current career and appearance so you have the confidence to go back in the dating realm.

 

It is lonely without another person to share memories with, but having a hobby you enjoy, or a job you love will bring great conversations into your new relationship and you will be happy overall as a whole.

 

You can't just be happy about the person you're with, you need to be happy about your life (work, family/friends, hobbies, etc).

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I just answered a similar topic that was left untouched, but it is more about self worth than what this topic is leading to.

 

When a person is unhappy, it can be from many things but mostly depression. Love for the most part will not cure depression. So, I think it is unfair to try to be with someone who is depressed from the get go. It leaves you feeling empty as your strength gets sucked away.

 

If a person is emotionally in turmoil from a previous relationship, it can be a two edged sword. If you are not careful in seeing what issues the other is going through, you can be a burden. If you are strong and willing, with the proper understanding and care, the relationship will become fruitful.

 

Then there is the lack of self worth. Only the person effected can pull themselves out, very similar to depression. Showing them ways to get stable with feeling they can do something to show that they can be what they want to be, even if they feel it is a burden on you. Not many are willing to, or lack seeing the obvious in breaking down the wall. As I have put many years behind me on thinking my life had less than desired qualities, such as goals, commitment, security and assets. When I had one believe in me, I changed practically overnight and provided what was needed. At the time all I needed was something to look forward to, as being alone for too long will make one feel too secure in meeting the basics.

[singsparkles]

Well I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about this.

People keep saying and I keep reading everywhere that if you want to be in a relationship you first have to be 100% happy and 100% okay with being single and stuff like that.

 

Well I feel like I'm never happy being single and quite frankly I'm lonely when I am so I always am trying to seek out someone to date while I'm single. I'm not always in a relationship though so its not like I jump from one relationship to the next immediately after being dumped (was 8 or more months after a ltr to find someone)

 

Once I got into the new relationship after the 8 months of being single and unhappy and lonely (I was constantly searching) I was happy as can be. I think I got way to attached way to fast tho and she ended it with me.

 

Anyways what I'm asking is should you wait till your happy being single or happy in general before you start to try to seek out a partner? Even when you know being in a relationship makes you happy and completes you?

I just don't want to be some ultra clingy or parasitic person in a relationship and maybe that's why I get clingy?

 

Should I give up on dating and finding the one?

Thoughts? I appologize if that was a little all over the map lol

 

 

 

DirtyHairy,

 

I have this EXACT same issue. I've never been single. I jump from one relationship to the next.

 

I must say one thing I have learned is I truly think you need time to be single and be happy alone. ...I'm trying to conquer this right now as we speak.

 

If we get into relationships to "fulfill our happiness", we will never be happy, because we are leaning on someone else for our happiness.

 

We need to be totally happy with ourselves and our lives so that once we get into a relationship, we are already happy and we don't have to lean on them. Them making us smile and laugh is just a bonus, because we are already happy.

 

I believe relationships don't last and you will keep jumping from relationship to relationship if you don't find happiness in yourself and life first.

 

I know it's hard... because I struggle with the same thing. I HATE being lonely. And that drives me to want to keep dating. I hate sleeping alone. I hate not having someone of the opposite sex to talk to every day. I hate not having someone to go out and have fun with.

 

But we have to make it over the hurdle... learn to be happy alone, and learn to be happy doing things alone... get our happiness glow by being alone. Then we will attract the right people.

 

Hugs!

xx

[SummerDreams]

What does "fully happy" mean? Happiness is not an achievement that you can have or not have. Happiness can come without expecting it and it comes in small, everyday things. So no, I don't think that a man should be happy alone, single, as a couple, with many friends, without friends, with a job, with big family, with small family, with wealth or no wealth etc. Happiness is different for every person and if someone needs to be a couple to achieve it then good for them.

[Poppygoodwill]

YOu don't have to be content with your status as 'single'. That's not what they're saying. It's perfectly fine to aspire to have a family, a special someone all your own.

 

What doesn't help is when you're in that desperate place where you view each person as a kind of life raft onto which your throw yourself, lest you be washed further out into the sea of single and farther away from the island of couple.

 

What they mean by being happy in your life, means that you're a whole and balanced person with ambitions and goals and foibles and passions and work and friends and family and hobbies and you can keep yourself afloat even if you never marry because a life is about more than a relationship. IT's about a web of relationships, a host of hobbies, etc

[Andy_K]

This really depends what you mean by 'happy'

 

I'm happy with my job

I'm happy with my hobbies

I'm happy with my health

Etc

 

I'm not happy with my relationship, because I don't have one, and it I do feel it's an important and rewarding thing to have in my life. So would I say I'm 100% happy? No, clearly not. But I don't think that's a meaningful question

 

I think really, the point is that a relationship will not suddenly make all your other problems go away. It can't be the sole focus of your life. But if you have no other problems, and are content in the other aspects of your life, then by all means go for it.

 

It's okay to want love.

[Brooke02]

Yeah but don't you have to be somewhat happy by yourself? If not your gonna jump into any relationship to feel better even if it's not the right one. There could be red flags you ignore and continue in the relationship to avoid being alone?

I think that's where being happy will help you find the right person without being needy & settling for just anything.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody is 100% anything all the time, especially happy.

 

You do need to be more happy then anything else on balance.

 

It's not unfair to try to create a new relationship when you are down but it may be unrealistic.