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Started to talking to someone I REALLY like, but need suggestions regarding an issue?

Physx7

By Physx7
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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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Ok, so I started talking to a girl off a dating site. We hit it off right off the bat. We have a similar sense of humor, both love witty banter, and the first time we talked on the phone, we talked for about 3hrs straight. I really felt chemistry with this girl and she seemed to feel the same.

 

While my profile showed that I had a child, even had a picture of her in it, and I told her about internet websites (news reports) with me and my daughter in them (so she can see I am for real and honest about who I am), apparently she overlooked that fact and felt she was blindsided by me having a child with my ex. It really upset her and obviously there has been issues with us since. Her issues she expressed was me having shared that (having a child) with someone else already and that she felt deceived by me not telling her (even though I had it on my profile and never did actually hide it).

 

That night, she text me off and on literally all night (said she couldn't sleep). She kept telling me she was angry with me, sometimes asking questions, and then sometimes just making casual conversation. I really wasn't sure what to make of it, as she seemed all over the board.

 

While we usually text back and forth all day long, the next day, she completely blew me off until about 11pm. Then, she messaged me with casual conversation like nothing happened. When I mentioned the pink elephant in the room, she said she thought it best if we just be friends *for now*.

 

I'm really not sure what to make of it. She isn't back in town until Sunday and is out and about all over the place with friends at this point, so I feel she really isn't focused on me right now anyway. I kind of want to keep in touch with her to keep our connection, but at the same time, I don't know if it might be better for me to back off a bit and let her digest everything... maybe even miss me some. However, I don't know if me backing off will get her more focused on other men (she is VERY attractive) or if it would make her miss me? I'm not good with this type of thing. I don't want to come off as desperate, but also don't want her to think I don't care by ignoring her. I'm also not sure if I should still try to get her to go out on a date with me (even if as just friends) to see if we can make sparks, or if I should leave the ball in her court on that? Suggestions???

GeneralJennyJenn Established Member

GeneralJennyJenn

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Just curious if you two have even met in person? Doesn't it bother you that she didn't even read your profile before getting all caught up in a windwhirl?

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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Just curious if you two have even met in person? Doesn't it bother you that she didn't even read your profile before getting all caught up in a windwhirl?

 

i.e., SHE CAN'T READ WITH COMPREHENSION.

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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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Just curious if you two have even met in person? Doesn't it bother you that she didn't even read your profile before getting all caught up in a windwhirl?

 

She did read a decent amount of it, but apparently not that thoroughly. But yes, her not seeming to pay much attention to things about me was a bit discouraging. I wasn't really sure what to think of it considering how often we were talking on the phone and how interested in me she seemed.

 

Since she knew we couldn't see each other until this coming Sunday, she wanted us to do a movie night together where we would both watch the same exact movie at the same time at each of our houses. I thought that was really sweet and felt it showed me she really was interested in me, but now I really just don't know.

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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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i.e., SHE CAN'T READ WITH COMPREHENSION.

 

She attends UF just as I do, so I don't think that is the case. UF is an extremely selective college here in FL. She also seems very intelligent from the conversations we've had, and as far as intelligence, I tend to set the bar pretty high. I think she is just scattered.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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I think she is just scattered.

 

Shadoobie, scattered, scattered.

 

Wasn't that a Rolling Stones song?

 

Anyway:

 

 

  1. While my profile showed that I had a child,
  2. even had a picture of her in it, and
  3. I told her about internet websites (news reports) with me and my daughter in them
  4. and that she felt deceived by me not telling her

 

this will not be the last of the drama, should you pursue this further.

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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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Wasn't that a Rolling Stones song?

 

Anyway:

 

 

  1. While my profile showed that I had a child,
  2. even had a picture of her in it, and
  3. I told her about internet websites (news reports) with me and my daughter in them
  4. and that she felt deceived by me not telling her

 

this will not be the last of the drama, should you pursue this further.

 

Good point. The only reason I am tempted is because we got along so well and other than this one incident, we have had great conversation going on a week of continuous texts and hours and hours of conversation. I was hoping after working past this drama, that it would be smooth sailing again like it was beforehand. But you're right; if she is overlooking these things now, it probably won't get better later on down the road. I just don't understand why she showed such a strong interest in me, yet didn't take the time to read what she could about me?

 

She actually just txt messaged me again tonight. I waited about 1.5hrs to message her back. Figured I'd make myself available enough to know I'm still around, but not *too* available as to show desperation or lack of a life, lol. Anyway, it was just some casual conversation, so I really don't know what to make of it. Maybe she does want a relationship still but was just upset, or maybe she does just like me as a friend and thinks I can just flip the switch like that. I really don't know.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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I have three words for you.

 

FWB

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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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I have three words for you.

 

FWB

 

She actually had/has one of those already, but made it clear to me she doesn't want that again. She said she wants something serious. She even said a part of the reason she was upset is that *if* we were to work out down the road that someone else already got to have a child with me, making it less special with her.

 

Don't get me wrong - this girl is drop-dead gorgeous and if nothing else, I would be fine with a FWB deal. However, my problem is I get attached easily and am not sure if I could pull off a FWB without having romantic feelings towards the person.

 

At this point, I'm just playing it casual until she gets back and see what happens. My gameplan is to still try to meet with her when she is back in town "as friends." However, the moment we meet, I plan to place my hand on her cheek, slide it across her cheek towards the side of her head, lean in, and kiss her. Worst case - she rejects me in that way and we laugh about it as friends later down the road. Best case is she sees it as romantic and some sparks fly. While the whole not reading those things very well were some red flags, everything else about her has been amazing. Coming from someone who has dated over 200+ women (most of which don't make it past a first date cause I know exactly what I want), I know a connection like I have with her comes very very rarely and don't want to miss an opportunity. I know the longer I am in the "friend zone," the less of a chance I ever have of working my way out of it.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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So... she doesn't bother to look at your profile thoroughly, and she's mad at you?

 

My reaction to something like this would have been to say, "Oh, I totally overlooked that!" And if it was a deal-breaker for me, "I'm sorry I didn't catch that before we talked, but I don't see myself having a relationship with someone with a child."

 

This sounds to me like a person who doesn't take responsibility for her mistakes, but blames others instead. Why would you want anything to do with someone like this?

 

she is VERY attractive

Oh, that's why.

 

Well, she's shown you from the get-go what kind of person she is - one who feels no shame at being hostile toward someone for no reason whatsoever. In a short time, no amount of pretty will compensate for that.

 

I'd run from this one like the plague!

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IronZ Established Member

IronZ

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Well she has every right to feel some kind of way about you having a child but that whole being deceived thing is just her making excuses. She's looking for an exit strategy.

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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However, my problem is I get attached easily

 

Then, you must be very, very selective.

 

She's not a keeper for you.

 

For me? She would have done just fine.

 

For you? Not so fast.

 

You know the answer already. I'm not sure why you need the validation.

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HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

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She's obviously has issues and face it, she wouldn't treat your child we'll anyway. You got caught up in idealism because she's hot.

 

Don't let that siren steer your boat into the rocks.

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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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So... she doesn't bother to look at your profile thoroughly, and she's mad at you?

 

My reaction to something like this would have been to say, "Oh, I totally overlooked that!" And if it was a deal-breaker for me, "I'm sorry I didn't catch that before we talked, but I don't see myself having a relationship with someone with a child."

 

This sounds to me like a person who doesn't take responsibility for her mistakes, but blames others instead. Why would you want anything to do with someone like this?

 

 

Oh, that's why.

 

Well, she's shown you from the get-go what kind of person she is - one who feels no shame at being hostile toward someone for no reason whatsoever. In a short time, no amount of pretty will compensate for that.

 

I'd run from this one like the plague!

 

Lol, the way you put this really cracked me up. You are absolutely right. I need to talk to her about it and if she can't sack it up and admit it was her fault, then I have to move on. Otherwise, this type of thing will just happen over and over and over again with her.

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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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Good. Also, no woman will respect a guy who puts up with this kind of treatment. Don't ever let someone be a jerk to you just because they're hot.

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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Don't ever let someone be a jerk to you just because they're hot.

 

Well, at least not for very long. :p

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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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Good. Also, no woman will respect a guy who puts up with this kind of treatment. Don't ever let someone be a jerk to you just because they're hot.

 

That is yet another reason I have backed off. I have other options. I just felt a spark with her that I have yet to feel with the other women I'm talking to and went on dates with, which is the only reason I am still considering dating her.

 

One thing that I do need to add though... Her last relationship was a real bad one. So bad in fact that she hasn't been in a relationship since, which was about 2yrs ago. The guy abused her, had a child (which I think is why she freaked out about it), and cheated on her regularly. Apparently, she had no self-esteem at all and told him repeatedly she knew she wasn't good enough for him and he was in the right to cheat on her. Though she realizes now how wrong it was, I think a part of what freaked her out here is the last time she dated a guy with a child, it was the worst experience of her life. I'm thinking that is playing a big factor here, which is why I'm trying to be understanding. However, I think what I need to do is acknowledge her concerns and apprehension based on her past experience, but assure her I am not that person. Once I do that, THEN I think would be the time for me to call her out on her reaction to me being in the wrong and seeing what happens. Regardless, I definitely need to call her out on her being wrong.

 

I think I'm still going to stick with the plan for when she comes back into town, but see how she reacts when we talk about all that. I don't think it would be a good idea to do it before she gets back to town though, as I know she is wound up in a lot of stuff with her friends and enjoying time with them before she has to get back to the real world here in Gainesville again.

 

** Update - Just to add as well... She messaged me again tonight, but I told her I couldn't really chat because I was out. Next thing you know, she was asking me where I was at and who I was with. Apparently, she still does have feelings. I think she is just afraid to show them because she is extremely afraid of being hurt again in a relationship. I think she really has a great heart, especially after the whole "date night" together thing. I think she is just really afraid of getting hurt and a lot of what is going on is her defense mechanisms. I really don't know for sure though.

HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

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Red flags everywhere with this girl.

 

This one will cut you deep, man. She's not healthy and you've had ample warning before you even met. You're gonna do it because she's hot and your priorities are screwed up. Look, you're already making excuses for her!

 

Been there, buddy. This is a lesson you'll have to learn the hard way.

Edited by HereNorThere
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Physx7 Member

Physx7

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Red flags everywhere with this girl.

 

This one will cut you deep, man. She's not healthy and you've had ample warning before you even met. You're gonna do it because she's hot and your priorities are screwed up. Look, you're already making excuses for her!

 

Been there, buddy. This is a lesson you'll have to learn the hard way.

 

I see where you're coming from. I'm just an understanding person that tries to give people the benefit of the doubt. But yes, it does get me burned oftentimes.

 

I know she is afraid of getting hurt - no doubt about that.

 

To be fair, because of the relationships I've had previously this year, I have trust issues. My last girlfriend was a freaking sociopath who lied about almost everything, so I can relate to someone who is hesitant with people because of their prior experiences. I want to trust the girl, but I don't really trust anyone at this point.

 

Anyway, I think I need to be straight with her and try to get her to put that guard down. If I can't, I'll walk away from this and move on. However, I really do see the potential for something great here. I mean I have 2 other women that are just as gorgeous as her, but I would drop both of them in a heartbeat for this girl. I have never spent 3hrs on the phone with a person, and we did that the very first time we chatted. It's not just the looks, but yes, I do have an issue with her immaturity. She either needs to put that guard down or this just won't work.

 

I really appreciate everyone's feedback here. You've all given me a lot to digest.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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She even said a part of the reason she was upset is that *if* we were to work out down the road that someone else already got to have a child with me, making it less special with her.

 

She is dramatic, hysterical and a childish idiot.

 

You really want someone like that around your child? I can guarantee you she will never accept you have a child with someone else and she will transfer that nonacceptance on to your child.

 

Abort immediately.

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