Lauren0990 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Me and my ex broke up about a week and a half ago after being together for a little over a year. We initially had a fight which ended in him saying we weren't good together and that he wanted to break up. We didn't speak for a week and two days ago I went to get my stuff from his place. We talked for about an hour and a half. I apologized for my actions in the fight and he said he didn't hate me for it. I asked him to give me another chance, that we could fix all the fighting and problems we had in our relationship. He said he cared about me a lot but he didn't want to date me. He was crying throughout the whole talk. He said he didn't see himself changing his mind and I asked if we could just give it some more time. We eventually decided that we could keep talking, but he couldn't guarantee anything. He was visibly hurting the whole time. We hugged goodbye and I asked if I would see him again. He said "maybe, we'll see." and then added "yeah." I left and we exchanged a few quick vague texts yesterday at my initiation, and have not communicated today. I don't know what to do in this situation. I know not to text him everyday, but as I was the one who brought up that we should keep talking, I feel I have to initiate it. I'm not sure if I should give him some space, if so how long? I'm afraid the longer I go without trying to keep talking to him, he will continue to convince himself not to give me another chance and that to keep talking is pointless. Please help! I am completely heartbroken and am certain our love deserves another chance. I don't want to push him away further but I don't want to lose contact either!!
Zahara Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I'm afraid the longer I go without trying to keep talking to him, he will continue to convince himself not to give me another chance and that to keep talking is pointless. You're not listening to what he is saying. He is already telling you there is no chance. I think that was already finalized when he broke up with you. He said: 1) Weren't good together 2) Didn't want to date you 3) Didn't see himself changing his mind 4) Vague about seeing each other again 5) Doesn't initiate contact Please help! I am completely heartbroken and am certain our love deserves another chance. I don't want to push him away further but I don't want to lose contact either!! YOU are certain your love deserves another chance. You can't project what you feel on him because he has a say in it as well, and he's telling you how he feels and how much he values the relationship. Time to go NC and accept it for what it is. Trying to keep that little door open is only going to hurt you even more.
Author Lauren0990 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 I think I am most confused about the crying. He has never cried in front of me before and told me he has actually only ever cried once before. It gives me a little bit of hope and it is hard for me to completely let that go
Zahara Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I think I am most confused about the crying. He has never cried in front of me before and told me he has actually only ever cried once before. It gives me a little bit of hope and it is hard for me to completely let that go Crying can come from a place of guilt -- if I show her I'm crying, maybe she won't take it so badly because it will look like it is hard for me as well. It can come from a place of pain because while they do want to end it, in some way it hurts them as well -- but not enough to want to stay in the relationship. Crying isn't an indication that there is hope. I've ended a relationship before and cried as well. It didn't mean anything other than that it was a sad time and that it was painful hurting the other person. Did it mean I wanted the relationship back or at some point want to rekindle, no. You're reading so much into his crying and all the words that he uttered have completely gone over your head -- what he's saying is what you should be focusing on. It's normal for dumpees to grasp onto little bits of straw because they're afraid of letting go.
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Hope is . . . well in the case it's doing you more harm then good. He's a nice guy. He doesn't like being the bad guy & being in the position where he's the source of your pain upsets him. He's trying to minimize your pain but he doesn't want to date you. We can be friends is a social LIE. He's saying it because he doesn't want to be the jerk that says get the F out of my life & don't come back. That's all. Be pleasant if you accidentally bump into him but nothing more. Sorry.
Jenmarie Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Go No Contact. Unfortunately, you already lost him. Do yourself a favor, and end contact immediately. If you keep contacting him, you'll keep looking desperate and needy. I mean, he obviously cares about you so do yourself the favor and put yourself FIRST. Take care of yourself first. He wants you to be strong, so be strong, and do what is best for yourself. You're not going to get him back by keeping tabs on him, remaining in contact, always asking for second chances, etc. These emotional talks will eventually becoming exhausting to him, and it'll push him away even more. So do yourself a favor, focus on you, and get better and go No Contact. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Trust me on this. I didn't get my ex back by remaining in contact.
Author Lauren0990 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 sometimes I think I find it hard to stop trying. If I feel like even if there is a 1% chance he still may miss me, I don't feel like I can live with myself if I don't try. Its torture, I just can't give up
SoThatHappened Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 sometimes I think I find it hard to stop trying. If I feel like even if there is a 1% chance he still may miss me, I don't feel like I can live with myself if I don't try. Its torture, I just can't give up Understandable, but realize this: The best way to get somebody back is usually through no contact. No contact isn't for you to get them back, it's for you to separate yourself, work on yourself, and move on with YOUR life. It also has a way of pushing the reset button on people, making them grow and reevaluate themselves. This is also good if a relationship were rekindled. Just think, if you got back together right away, nothing would have changed. If you go NC, become a better person (and he does too), you can reconcile and have a better relationship. However, don't do it to get him back. Do it for you.
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 sometimes I think I find it hard to stop trying. If I feel like even if there is a 1% chance he still may miss me, I don't feel like I can live with myself if I don't try. Its torture, I just can't give up There isn't even a 1% chance. Now give up & focus on the business of getting over him.
Zahara Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 sometimes I think I find it hard to stop trying. If I feel like even if there is a 1% chance he still may miss me, I don't feel like I can live with myself if I don't try. Its torture, I just can't give up When someone breaks up with you, it isn't your responsibility to win them back or fight for the relationship -- it is the dumpers responsibility to regain your trust and win you back. You have it backwards. You're struggling with denial and the fear of letting go. And that is normal. But you have to come to terms with realizing that you can't "try" when someone has given up. I'm sorry you are hurting. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Have to agree with everyone else. No Contact is your only good option. If you try to push like you want to do, all you'll do is further irritate him. The crying comes from the fact that it sucks to cut off someone that you've had such a history with. But if you notice, he still did it. That means that he was so ready to go through with it that he was willing to put himself through a discomfort that brought him to tears to get the job done. You have to leave him alone and you need to get your head straight. 1
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