cif Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 What is that ILY worth though? I have a friend who says ILY to the guy within a week. It's not love, it's butterflies and infatuation. Last boyfriend told me he loved me after something like 6 weeks. It was not worth anything he disappeared without a word after 6 months. If this man takes his ILY very seriously, like I do, then he needs time. He needs to figure out if he is loving her with his heart and not his d.!k. So by your assessment his ILY will come when he no longer lusts after her? From what WAITING4U wrote the guy sure acts like he loves her.. but why isn't he saying the words that concern me. Why is he holding back? Whatever makes you feel better about it. Understand there are plenty of men out there that take that phrase seriously and will not say it until they feel it. Some men need more than a couple months to fall in love. If you think you're establishing your self worth for dumping a guy that's trying to build a strong bond with you over time then you're going to be running in circles for a long... long time. You can not assign time lines to this stuff. You can't take YOUR emotional order of operations ( whoever YOU are, whether its the quoted poster or the OP or Joe Bob ) and assign it to another person and build expectations around that. That's projecting your thought prism onto another person and basically telling them that their thoughts / feelings are less important than yours. I'm married. Yes women need timelines (not hard lines but some sort of timeframes). And yes we can and must use our own expectations on the people we are trying to build a future with. That's where compatibility comes in. And by me walking when I feel we are not on the same path I am actually respecting the other person. And moving on to find someone on the same page as me.. nothing wrong with that.
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 So by your assessment his ILY will come when he no longer lusts after her? From what WAITING4U wrote the guy sure acts like he loves her.. but why isn't he saying the words that concern me. Why is he holding back? I thought I was clear on that but here it is again. If this man is like me, his ILY are a full commitment. The few times I said ILY to a man in my life it meant I would give my life for him. I take my ILY very seriously. They mean if you are in trouble, if you get sick, if you lose everything, I will support you and stand by you through it all. I don't say ILY to a joe blow I have been dating for 2 months EVEN if he rocks my world ! 4
cif Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I thought I was clear on that but here it is again. If this man is like me, his ILY are a full commitment. The few times I said ILY to a man in my life it meant I would give my life for him. I take my ILY very seriously. They mean if you are in trouble, if you get sick, if you lose everything, I will support you and stand by you through it all. I don't say ILY to a joe blow I have been dating for 2 months EVEN if he rocks my world ! OK calm down... so you and I wouldn't get far dating 1
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 OK calm down... so you and I wouldn't get far dating So are you saying that if you and that person aren't on the same page/timetable or whatever when it comes to love, then he/she wouldnt be the one for you. If she was then this situation wouldn't be a problem...? 1
BC1980 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I think the time frame of saying ILY is less relevant, in this situation, as opposed to the fact that the OP has already shown her cards. If you are going to say ILY first, you've got to be aware that it may not be said back and the repercussions that come along with that. I personally think a few months is too short a time to know, but situation is more about the fact that the relationship is now on unequal footing. 1
Keenly Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I think the time frame of saying ILY is less relevant, in this situation, as opposed to the fact that the OP has already shown her cards. If you are going to say ILY first, you've got to be aware that it may not be said back and the repercussions that come along with that. I personally think a few months is too short a time to know, but situation is more about the fact that the relationship is now on unequal footing. Agreed. When you drop the ILY bomb, you can not say it with expectations that it will be reciprocated. That's why its so scary to say it. 3
BluEyeL Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Most people know within a relatively short time whether they are in love with someone. Whether they are compatible and that develops into something deeper and long lasting, is another question. That initial 'in love' feeling comes quite fast though, usually. Knowing and expressing it are two different things. For many men, expressing it means they made a decision to be there for you no matter what, so even if they feel they're in love with you, they'll delay saying it. I went to my therapist this morning and I asked about it and that's what she told me. If a man gives a lot of weight to these words, he'll not say them within a few months, but at a stage of the relationship that is beyond the initial few months. For other men, they'll say it freely, but it doesn't necessarily mean that for them these words hold the same weight. It's tough because of the different definitions people give to these statements. I guess I disagree with the people who insist that this must be said within a few months because I had men profess it to me and it truly didn't mean anything. I'd rather wait six months or one year to hear that word and judge by his actions and when it is said, I will know that it means the real deal. When a guy told that to me after one month....it felt disingenuous and it was. Pushing someone like that, crying, saying "why don't you love me" only makes you appear weak, not confident, anxious and it's not attractive!! IME, most men fall in love with how you make them feel. I also fall in love because of how a man makes me feel. Men want to have fun, want you to be happy, if you cry and appear unhappy, that will make him feel bad about himself and like he's not the right person for you because well...nobody wants to make a woman unhappy. There is a difference between being strung along and being reasonable. I don't know what else this man is doing in this relationship, but you do feel insecure. It might be because he does other things that make you feel that way, I don't know. Maybe there is more there. Because he does give you "some verbal affirmation", but you want the ultimate verbal affirmation. I would take Redhead's advice. Wait one year and if he didn't say it by then, then just walk. Have your deadline and enforce it, without telling him of course. In the meantime just enjoy the present and be happy. Live in the moment, don't let anxiety get the best of you. I don't think you'll be able to do it though because you revisit this every few weeks... 2
xxoo Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Waiting, if you are hurting in this relationship, that's telling. It should be all fun and exciting at this point. Good feelings. Whether he says the words or not, is there truly an imbalance of care, interest And investment? 3
Diezel Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I'm a self-actualized person who is fully able to stand on my own two feet without "needing" anything from a man. I would, however, like a little verbal affirmation in my relationship. Ignoring all the parts of your response where you called me a borderline troll and said I should talk about the issue without insulting (Contradictory, I know)... Let's just jump to this last part. So if you don't "need" anything from this man, what is this thread about? IMMEDIATELY after you say you don't need anything man, you say that you would "like" some verbal affirmation. That's "needing" verbal affirmation. This is the problem that I and others (I guess that makes them "trolls" too) have tried to point out to you. Listen, if you want/need/like to hear it and he hasn't done it yet, then you have two ways to deal with it: (A) Be patient (B) Dump him You can't force him to say it, you can't play an ice cream game, you can't hint at it, because it won't be natural. And then the day will come when you ask if he really means it. The day he says it, you want it to be natural and no strings attached. And I'm sorry to say that, but he can't say it on your terms. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Honestly, yes. I think you are asking too much at this point and creating unnecessary drama, that sabotage your relationship. It's early. Wait 1 year. I completely agree with this. He seems to be well on his way. Let it go for now.. 1
dynamicboy Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 After all, why don't you just enjoy your relationship and forget about the whole ILY issue? Life is too short to waste it, just enjoy the moment with him... 3
Fondue Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 The relationship is only a few months old. It's a little crazy for you to expect such a grand gesture of affection. Hell, how would you know he is even honest about it then? Maybe the fact that you keep nagging him, he might just say "**** it, I'll tell her what she wants to hear," but then not mean it when he says it? What if he grows resentful of your issue on this? Calm down. If the rest of the relationship is good, why are you trying to sabotage it about something that's really a non-issue. Besides, men are not as verbal as women. WOrds don't mean much. Actions do. 2
Author waiting4u Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 I care... and I love... are two completely different things. I dated this girl for three years. She had one of the best _________________ in the world. Beautiful girl, we got along really well, and I genuinely liked and cared for her. I still do, in fact. I don't have a cross word to say about her, and I have a lot of good things to say, and some of the best memories a person could have. I never loved her. Somebody said that 4 -5 months is too short of a time. I respectfully disagree. That. Is completely messed up. I appreciate the feedback, but that is the most f**ked up thing I've ever heard.
Author waiting4u Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 Waiting: Is something else going on in your relationship? If you need to hear it that bad, and cannot wait another couple of months, I am wondering if you need to hear it to compensate for something else missing? I have a hunch that you don't feel this man is fully yours or committed to you so you need the verbal affirmation real bad to balanced it out. Yeah, at our age there's always baggage and "issues" to deal with. He also works a tremendous amount because his company is less than 4 years old and fast-growing. He's a very logical person to a fault - borderline or maybe mild aspergers - very focused on work. These things are definitely contributing to my need for verbal validation. In his defense, it's so obvious he's trying to understand me and give me what I want. We talked through it last night and this morning and I think I'm starting to understand.
Author waiting4u Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 You can not assign time lines to this stuff. You can't take YOUR emotional order of operations ( whoever YOU are, whether its the quoted poster or the OP or Joe Bob ) and assign it to another person and build expectations around that. That's projecting your thought prism onto another person and basically telling them that their thoughts / feelings are less important than yours. Well said. People are so different.
Haerts Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 He's just being honest. You should be happy about it. Would you rather that or a boyfriend that says I love you before you even begin dating and a month after that you find out he's been lying? 'cause that's what happened to me and I can guarantee you: it sucks. Love is something way too strong. It takes so long to build. While it's nice to hear ILY, as it's a saying that should show affection, it's also not good when it's not true. He said he cares, that he's crazy about you and that he wants to stay with you. What else do you want? Wait his time to say these words; he does like you very much, eventually the time will come. 1
Elle1975 Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 To me “it’s not that I don’t love you” means "It's not that I don't love you, it's just that I am not in love with you the way I would need it to be to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you". If i had to put words in his mouth, that'd be it. 4/5 months is plenty enough to know how we feel about someone; at least if he's an adult, as opposed to being 20 and wild. He knows what love is. He loved before. I assume he's not dumb, since you seem pretty smart yourself. 1
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