Gloria25 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I think it takes 1 1/2 to 2 years to really get to know someone and be able to accurately say "ILY"...4-5 months is just hornies and the newness of a RL. 1
BC1980 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Well I can't leave him today with his parents in town and everything - goodness. And I don't want to leave him. It also kind of feels like an ultimatum - "either you say you love me or I'll leave you." I'm confident enough in his affection to know he'd be miserable if I left him - as would I, obviously. Is this maybe just a stoic man thing? Definitely, don't give him any type of ultimatum. They almost always meet with resistance. I would just give it a few months, but don't tell him you are doing that.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Ouch. Well, whatever his reasoning, you need to stop pushing it now. I understand wanting to hear it back when you express your love. But I think it's a bit early to be panicking over this. I'm not even a man and even I think 4-5 is too soon for me to know if I actually love someone. Give him a few more months. If you pass that point and nothing comes of it, you may need to reconsider whether you'll be compatible in the long term. 1
Diezel Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 You posted about this 3 weeks ago. Come on now.
dynamicboy Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) (Well, for some reason my previous post got all full of informatic garbage and can't edit it, God knows why) Ok, I wanted to say this: Love is better demonstrated by attitudes, acts and actions, not mere words. Anyone can say "ILY"... So what? Its such an abused phrase that it might well mean nothing. Look for his actions, attitudes, moods and acts and don't give much importance to his words (or lack of). You are a very beautiful woman so Im sure he is struck by your beauty and he himself is unable to know for sure what he feels about you. Lust or love? Or Both? He may also be unable to express himself in words. We men tend to act more than to speak. Love means actions for us. For women it means words followed by actions. We fall in love as a result of female beauty. Then, later we may love that woman. Men are fast on sex and slow on love Women are slow on sex and fast on love Once he tells you ILY, you will ask for more. The simple phrase will become boring and devoid of meaning after a while and you might want a more elaborated poetic approach from him. I would say don't worry, such a phrase is not really that important Enjoy your boyfriend and your relationship Give importance to what is important, regardless of words.... Edited October 16, 2014 by dynamicboy 2
CrystalCastles Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Well, for some reason my previous post got all full of informatic garbage and can't edit it Next time that happens just click "Alert Us" and the mods will come and fix it. I already alerted the mods so your post should be fixed pretty soon. 1
xxoo Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 (Well, for some reason my previous post got all full of informatic garbage and can't edit it, God knows why) . I think that can happen if you copy/paste from MS word. I'd follow Redhead's advice about setting a time limit in your mind (one year would by my outside recommendation. If he doesn't know by then, it ain't happening), but I personally would continue to express my love. Why not, if you feel it? Don't repress who you are to try to make him comfortable or elicit some change from him. Be you--the one who expresses love. It may scare him away, but if it does, it will only speed up the inevitable. I'd probably also tell him that I won't stay in the relationship indefinitely with clear understanding that my love is returned, fully and openly. Just to let him know my personal needs will only be met in such a relationship. You don't have to spell out the timeline. It's not an ultimatum; it's reality. And, of course, you've got to be willing to walk if/when the time comes.
dynamicboy Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 You may want to take a look at following article: When the One You Love Doesn't Love You (as Much) | Psychology Today Is such a great article written by a real Dr in Psychology 1
Diezel Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Ouch. Well, whatever his reasoning, you need to stop pushing it now. I understand wanting to hear it back when you express your love. But I think it's a bit early to be panicking over this. I'm not even a man and even I think 4-5 is too soon for me to know if I actually love someone. Give him a few more months. If you pass that point and nothing comes of it, you may need to reconsider whether you'll be compatible in the long term. Here's the problem (Not with your post - trust me, I agree with you) waiting posted about this at the end of September. People tell her to let it simmer and give him more time. It's October 16. As a guy, that just sends me some red flag desperation issues. Seriously, guys, go read the earlier thread. Waiting, this isn't meant as a way to embarass you or belittle the issue, it's meant as a venue through which to judge how you approach this relationship. You said you DON'T need the validation coming back from him. This thread is testament and proof that you do. You couldn't even wait a full month and you're so desperate to hear it back. When I read this OP, I cringed. You are going to push this guy away with the neediness. Why do you need to hear the words THAT badly? Think about it. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I just did a quick review of some of the threads you've started about this guy, and I see a pattern that reminds me exactly of the one I had with my ex The only difference is you put up with a lot more than I did. You think he's gorgeous and amazing, so you've bent in certain ways you normally wouldn't, and it seems that you've never felt as though his feelings for you are as strong as yours for him. It's normal and natural for you to feel unsettled and insecure under these circumstances. Women generally don't do well in these situations, for good reason. Men often thrive in such a situation, because they seem to enjoy busting their ass to win over a girl who's out of their reach. And that can be fun for a woman for a while (it was for me, too), but eventually we get tired of feeling unappreciated and unloved and throw in the towel. Early on, you caught him on a dating site after he told you he took his profile down, you were scared to bring up exclusivity, his last minute date planning, standing you up for an early date, him coming on strong with expressions of feelings early but now being cool about it. Is this really what you want for yourself?
mightycpa Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I know you're supposed to look at a man's actions and he does show that he cares I care... and I love... are two completely different things. I dated this girl for three years. She had one of the best _________________ in the world. Beautiful girl, we got along really well, and I genuinely liked and cared for her. I still do, in fact. I don't have a cross word to say about her, and I have a lot of good things to say, and some of the best memories a person could have. I never loved her. Somebody said that 4 -5 months is too short of a time. I respectfully disagree. 6
Author waiting4u Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 Here's the problem (Not with your post - trust me, I agree with you) waiting posted about this at the end of September. People tell her to let it simmer and give him more time. It's October 16. As a guy, that just sends me some red flag desperation issues. Seriously, guys, go read the earlier thread. Waiting, this isn't meant as a way to embarass you or belittle the issue, it's meant as a venue through which to judge how you approach this relationship. You said you DON'T need the validation coming back from him. This thread is testament and proof that you do. You couldn't even wait a full month and you're so desperate to hear it back. When I read this OP, I cringed. You are going to push this guy away with the neediness. Why do you need to hear the words THAT badly? Think about it. You know, you might think about how you word things - you come across as a bit of a troll. I try not to respond to trolls generally, but as you are attempting to redirect the entire conversation according to how you have perceived my past posts, thus invalidating how I feel in this situation (i.e. you are telling me I'm not supposed to feel this way because it's "desperate" and will "drive away" my boyfriend). I'm sorry that I made you "cringe," and yes, this is an ongoing problem in my relationship. Yes, I posted about it 3 weeks ago. Thing is - it sort of blew up yesterday morning, I was upset, and I wanted to talk about it in a safe environment. You can make assumptions about people and their levels of "desperation," but I think you can discuss the problem without being insulting. It is not "needy" to want to be loved by your partner. I'm a self-actualized person who is fully able to stand on my own two feet without "needing" anything from a man. I would, however, like a little verbal affirmation in my relationship.
Emilia Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Somebody said that 4 -5 months is too short of a time. I respectfully disagree. Yes. I always know within a couple of months. 1
Keenly Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Why would you want to pressure some one to do something that for whatever reason, they aren't ready for? You pushing him to say I love you before he's ready is the exact same as a man pushing a woman for sex when she isn't ready. I understand that you have a desire to hear it, but the more you obsess over it and the more you bring it up, the more it demonstrates that you don't actually care about how he feels and you only care about yourself and your desire to hear those words. Its not all about you, so stop making it about you. Pushing some one to do something before they're ready will cause resentment and he will end up saying it just to get you to drop the issue, and the words will be hollow. 1
Author waiting4u Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 I’ve stopped saying ILY to him and have dropped the subject for some time now, but it’s been eating away at me. I figured he just wasn’t there yet and of course I have to let him say it in his own time. The thing is – it’s hard not to know how someone feels about you! And a number of times I’ve wanted to say it in sweet moments and I feel like I have to bite my tongue so I won’t make him uncomfortable. . . . I don’t want to force him to say it or to say it in a disingenuous way. I just want to know that he’s not just using me or that he finds me wanting in some way – like there’s something wrong with me he feels he can’t love – I don’t know. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship. I'm not pushing him. Why does everyone want to be so nasty about this? IT HURTS when you love someone and they don't love you. 1
CharlieFox Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I'm not pushing him. Why does everyone want to be so nasty about this? IT HURTS when you love someone and they don't love you. Actions speak louder than words. And from what you've described about him, it doesn't quite seem like he doesn't love you. Sometimes I think people just try hard not to be happy. 1
cif Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I'm not pushing him. Why does everyone want to be so nasty about this? IT HURTS when you love someone and they don't love you. True. That's why *I* would walk away. 4
Keenly Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 The only person you can control is yourself. Its up to you whether or not you want to let impatience and urgency sabotage your relationship from within, or whether or not you want to keep rolling along and enjoying the otherwise great relationship you already have and let it develop organically. 2
Keenly Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 True. That's why *I* would walk away. You'd break up with some one that didn't say I love you within a few months? That's impatience. to the extreme. 1
Emilia Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 You'd break up with some one that didn't say I love you within a few months? That's impatience. to the extreme. Most people know within a relatively short time whether they are in love with someone. Whether they are compatible and that develops into something deeper and long lasting, is another question. That initial 'in love' feeling comes quite fast though, usually. 5
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Waiting: Is something else going on in your relationship? If you need to hear it that bad, and cannot wait another couple of months, I am wondering if you need to hear it to compensate for something else missing? I have a hunch that you don't feel this man is fully yours or committed to you so you need the verbal affirmation real bad to balanced it out. 3
cif Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) You'd break up with some one that didn't say I love you within a few months? That's impatience. to the extreme. If we're dating, yes. Most people know within a couple of months if they have those feelings or not. Not impatience.. self-worth Edited October 17, 2014 by cif 1
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 If we're dating, yes. Most people know within a couple of months if they have those feelings or not. Not impatience.. self-worth What is that ILY worth though? I have a friend who says ILY to the guy within a week. It's not love, it's butterflies and infatuation. Last boyfriend told me he loved me after something like 6 weeks. It was not worth anything he disappeared without a word after 6 months. If this man takes his ILY very seriously, like I do, then he needs time. He needs to figure out if he is loving her with his heart and not his d.!k. 2
Keenly Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 If we're dating, yes. Most people know within a couple of months if they have those feelings or not. Not impatience.. self-worth Whatever makes you feel better about it. Understand there are plenty of men out there that take that phrase seriously and will not say it until they feel it. Some men need more than a couple months to fall in love. If you think you're establishing your self worth for dumping a guy that's trying to build a strong bond with you over time then you're going to be running in circles for a long... long time. You can not assign time lines to this stuff. You can't take YOUR emotional order of operations ( whoever YOU are, whether its the quoted poster or the OP or Joe Bob ) and assign it to another person and build expectations around that. That's projecting your thought prism onto another person and basically telling them that their thoughts / feelings are less important than yours. 2
Emilia Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 What is that ILY worth though? I have a friend who says ILY to the guy within a week. It's not love, it's butterflies and infatuation. Last boyfriend told me he loved me after something like 6 weeks. It was not worth anything he disappeared without a word after 6 months. If this man takes his ILY very seriously, like I do, then he needs time. He needs to figure out if he is loving her with his heart and not his d.!k. I'm not sure how important the words are. It's what he does. It's not about running a bath or footmassage. It's his reaction to your increasing attachment that matters. It's something that's hard to control and he welcomes it when it's mutual and pulls back when it isn't. That's how I know.
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