He still doesn't love me . . .

[waiting4u]

Well, the whole “I love you” thing blew up this morning. I hope this makes sense because I’m very emotional right now. My BF and I have been together around 4-5 months and a month ago I told him I loved him. He smiled but did not reciprocate. I’ve tried asking him what love means to him but he doesn’t give me much of an answer. I’ve asked if he has ever said it to another girl and he said yes, he had.

 

I’ve stopped saying ILY to him and have dropped the subject for some time now, but it’s been eating away at me. I figured he just wasn’t there yet and of course I have to let him say it in his own time. The thing is – it’s hard not to know how someone feels about you! And a number of times I’ve wanted to say it in sweet moments and I feel like I have to bite my tongue so I won’t make him uncomfortable.

 

Last night and this morning we made love and I SO wanted to say it, so this morning I sort of tearfully asked him “[boyfriend], why don’t you love me? Haven’t you had enough time? Don’t you know by now? I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me.” I had to go to work and was gathering my things, and he followed me out the door and said “it’s not that I don’t love you” and hugged me and such – well, what does THAT mean?

 

I know 4-5 months isn’t long, but we know each other pretty well. We are both talkers, and talk / text / communicate constantly throughout the day and spend 4-5 days out of the week together (this depends somewhat on his work travel – he works out of town regularly for 3-4 day increments). He’s taken me to the seaside and I’ve met his entire family. In fact, we are supposed to have dinner with his family tonight because they are here from out of town.

 

Am I just not loveable? I asked why he was with me and he said because I was beautiful, sweet, fun and I have um the best ____________ in the world. Not exactly romantic, that last bit. I don’t want to force him to say it or to say it in a disingenuous way. I just want to know that he’s not just using me or that he finds me wanting in some way – like there’s something wrong with me he feels he can’t love – I don’t know. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship. It's just awful. Again, I’m sorry this is all gushy. It’s very upsetting.

Edited October 16, 2014 by waiting4u

[BC1980]

You pushing the issue is going to cause more resistance from him. You've shown your cards, and he knows where you stand. He doesn't reciprocate. If you say ILY, and the other person doesn't reciprocate, you are in one h*ll of a mess at that point because the relationship is now unequal. I'm a little old fashioned, but I would wait for the guy to say it first. I wouldn't say it the first time I felt it because it's too risky. I'm sure many will disagree, but that's my two cents.

 

As to advice on what to do, at this point, you can't ever mention it again. You've played it out now on your part, so you need to decide if you are going to walk or be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. He might love you one day, but only you can decided how long you are willing to wait for that day. At the most, I would give it a few more months. But yeah, you can't mention it again.

[CarrieT]

I was with a guy for 2 1/2 years who couldn't say the "L" word."

 

It became a joke for him where he would bring flowers to me, but he would bring specific flowers: Patience.

 

When I would ask him why he couldn't say it, he would respond; "Big, ugly, nasty "P" word" = patience.

 

He kept asking me for patience, that it would happen eventually.

 

And it did: The day we broke up and I left him, he broke down crying, "You know I've always loved you...." Yeah, dude - too little, too late.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through the same thing in my last relationship, and it was a first for me - a very painful one that I hope never to repeat. He hadn't said I love you in the first 6 months, and that didn't work for me at all, so I broke up with him. I took him back a couple of months later, and shortly after that, he said I love you. But it was delivered in an almost... intellectual way, then he rarely said it, and that made me sad all over again.

 

He cared about me and loved me in some way, but he wasn't in love with me. He wanted to get married, and I could have had a decent life with him, especially from a practical/financial standpoint. But without real love, I just couldn't do it. Every reminder that he wasn't really in love with me just stabbed me in the heart.

 

It has nothing to do with how lovable you are. Love is mysterious, and it awakens for sometimes intangible reasons. I've had a relationship before with "the perfect guy" who was crazy about me, but I never felt that way about him. I REALLY wanted to, but just didn't, and couldn't force myself to.

 

The times I've been in love, and the times a man was in love with me, it was obvious pretty quickly. And it was blindingly obvious to the whole world, not something that had to be questioned.

 

Many people are fine being with someone they're not in love with or who is not in love with them, never experience true love, and don't even feel they're missing anything. Some people don't believe in their ability to find that kind of love - and this is understandable, because it's not necessarily easy. Others like you and me know the difference, and won't be truly fulfilled without it.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but the best it's going to get with this guy is that you wait around for him to "grow to love you". In not so many words, that's what my ex was asking me to do with him. I just couldn't. It felt like a hollow, sad substitute for the real thing.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[waiting4u]

I know you're supposed to look at a man's actions and he does show that he cares in a number of ways, But I can't imagine being with someone the way we are together and not feeling love for them. I mean, I wouldn't stay. If I don't feel like I could fall for somebody I'll get out at least within the first couple of months. Why the heck is he lingering and acting like he has so much affection for me if it's not real?

 

I believe love grows over time, but there has to be some sort of seed there in the beginning. I'm attractive, vivacious, intelligent, the whole package. I don't want to wait around for someone to decide whether or not I'm good enough for them. At the same time, I'm rather angry that I've invested so much (time, meeting the family, travel, etc.) in someone who doesn't feel some sort of deep emotion for me.

[waiting4u]

I was with a guy for 2 1/2 years who couldn't say the "L" word."

 

It became a joke for him where he would bring flowers to me, but he would bring specific flowers: Patience.

 

When I would ask him why he couldn't say it, he would respond; "Big, ugly, nasty "P" word" = patience.

 

He kept asking me for patience, that it would happen eventually.

 

And it did: The day we broke up and I left him, he broke down crying, "You know I've always loved you...." Yeah, dude - too little, too late.

 

God, I'm so sorry Carrie. That sounds terrible.

[CarrieT]

God, I'm so sorry Carrie. That sounds terrible.

 

I'm just say'n, don't wait 2 1/2 years...

[WhatIsLove2014]

Wow. So when should a guy or when should yall be at the "I love you" stage? 4-5 months seems really early.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing another poster went through. I thought I was in love, I wasn't really though but I didn't realize it at the time. the guy I was with, didn't tell me he loved me nor did he show me. Don't go 2 years waiting.

[Ruby Slippers]

Why the heck is he lingering and acting like he has so much affection for me if it's not real?

Something comfortable and "safe", lacking that deep and ephemeral passion of real love is enough for some people, for all kinds of reasons.

 

For my ex, I think it boiled down to him being a total control freak and very uncomfortable with the idea of losing control of his emotions. If he stuck with someone he really cared about but wasn't wildly in love with, he'd never have to really open his heart and be truly vulnerable. That's what happens when you fall in love - the brain patterns precisely mirror the obsessive thought patterns that emerge when you develop a drug addiction. Some people are not at all comfortable with that kind of experience, and might even spend a lifetime avoiding it.

 

Realistically, I think that at least 90% of relationships on the planet are comfortable arrangements, not true love.

 

At the same time, I'm rather angry that I've invested so much (time, meeting the family, travel, etc.) in someone who doesn't feel some sort of deep emotion for me.

At least it's only been a few months and not years. Don't be too hard on yourself. You love him and wanted to give it a chance. That's a very brave thing to do.

 

I'm sure your boyfriend has never wanted to hurt you.

 

I've gradually been letting go of my anger about my last relationship. The simple fact is that my ex loving me or not loving me wasn't a choice on his part. You either love someone or you don't. It wasn't his fault, and honestly, he did the best he could with the situation and was very responsible in how he handled things. He never pretended to feel more for me than he did. I just loved him so much that I decided to give it a shot. And he practically begged me to stop "expecting so much", stop shooting for the moon and just let him love me in his own way. I tried REALLY hard to do that, and sometimes I still wonder if I shouldn't have tried harder.

 

I sure learned a lot from that experience. Now I understand the difference. I know that when a man loves you, it doesn't take long for it to arise. It will come through clearly in his actions and words - he won't be able to hold it in. It's either there, or it's not.

 

I hope that in time you can look back on this experience and feel some degree of gratitude about the time you had with him, and the lessons you learned.

[d0nnivain]

If it's bothering you, then you may have to accept the fact that you two are incompatible. I can't imagine how painful it is to have the ILY sitting out there for a month. ouch. You poor thing but at this point if you aren't on the same page, you can't drag him there.

[Gaeta]

aaaww I am sorry you are going though this.

 

I disagree about not telling him ILY. You feel it, you need to express it. If you don't then you have what you have now, a big ball of emotions all bottled up inside that hurts.

 

Maybe if he hears it often enough he will realize he needs to sh!.t of get off the pot concerning his feelings for you.

 

To me love is I am with you, in this life, no matter what. If you need a kidney I will give you one, I will follow you and settle in timbuktu if I have to to be with you. It's why it can take me up to 6 months to say it. I feel the infatuation and everything but to me being infatuated is not the same as loving. If your boyfriend takes very seriously his ILY that is why it takes him longer.

[waiting4u]

Well I can't leave him today with his parents in town and everything - goodness. And I don't want to leave him. It also kind of feels like an ultimatum - "either you say you love me or I'll leave you." I'm confident enough in his affection to know he'd be miserable if I left him - as would I, obviously.

 

Is this maybe just a stoic man thing?

[BluEyeL]

Did he at least say "I am falling for you" or "I fell for you" or synonyms of the ILY? I have an ex who said it at 1 month and after two more months suddenly turned around and left me in the dust. So the words don't necessarily mean anything.

 

I think it's early to say it and if you push it, there is no point. You have to give relationships time. Not all the time in the world, but for God's sake's girls, give it some time! Have reasonable expectations. Don't try to make reltionships what they're not! Let them be, let them flow! If after 1 year, he still hasn't said it, then it's time to worry. But 4 months is a bit on the quick side.

[dynamicboy]

Umm there is something wrong with my post, what is all that stuff?

[Gaeta]

Well I can't leave him today with his parents in town and everything - goodness. And I don't want to leave him. It also kind of feels like an ultimatum - "either you say you love me or I'll leave you." I'm confident enough in his affection to know he'd be miserable if I left him - as would I, obviously.

 

Is this maybe just a stoic man thing?

 

You are asking too much. Your ILY may not mean the same as his ILY. If his ILY means a full life commitment to you, you think 4 months is enough for him to say it?

[waiting4u]

Did he at least say "I am falling for you" or "I fell for you" or synonyms of the ILY? I have an ex who said it at 1 month and after two more months suddenly turned around and left me in the dust. So the words don't necessarily mean anything.

 

I think it's early to say it and if you push it, there is no point. You have to give relationships time. Not all the time in the world, but for God's sake's girls, give it some time! Have reasonable expectations. Don't try to make reltionships what they're not! Let them be, let them flow! If after 1 year, he still hasn't said it, then it's time to worry. But 4 months is a bit on the quick side.

 

He's said "I'm crazy about you, I'm falling for you, I really care about you." I should just be content with that? I'm asking too much? I just can't imagine putting in the time and energy we've both put into this if I "wasn't sure" if I was in love with someone. I mean, you'd have to be sort of sociopathic or something . . .

 

@Dynamic - your words were so comforting. But yes, lol, some weird thing happened to your post. I did read it though.

[BluEyeL]

Honestly, yes. I think you are asking too much at this point and creating unnecessary drama, that sabotage your relationship. It's early. Wait 1 year.

[waiting4u]

You are asking too much. Your ILY may not mean the same as his ILY. If his ILY means a full life commitment to you, you think 4 months is enough for him to say it?

 

No, I don't think 4 months is enough time - but I don't understand how someone could define a romantic ILY as "I want to marry you." That seems a bit extreme.

 

This is a really vulnerable and uncomfortable place I've gotten myself into by "trusting" (as my friends have urged me to do). Yay trust.

[Redhead14]

You pushing the issue is going to cause more resistance from him. You've shown your cards, and he knows where you stand. He doesn't reciprocate. If you say ILY, and the other person doesn't reciprocate, you are in one h*ll of a mess at that point because the relationship is now unequal. I'm a little old fashioned, but I would wait for the guy to say it first. I wouldn't say it the first time I felt it because it's too risky. I'm sure many will disagree, but that's my two cents.

 

As to advice on what to do, at this point, you can't ever mention it again. You've played it out now on your part, so you need to decide if you are going to walk or be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. He might love you one day, but only you can decided how long you are willing to wait for that day. At the most, I would give it a few more months. But yeah, you can't mention it again.

 

I want to add to this . . . lots of times when a man or a woman says I Love You first, the other person will pull away a little to process it. If he didn't do that, I think it's maybe a good sign.

 

Don't say it to him anymore. Make a time limit for yourself as stated above. This is a time limit for you, not him. When you have reached that time limit, you say it again. If he doesn't reciprocate, you say you need to move on. He may beg, he may say it in a moment of panic, but move on gracefully and in a dignified way.

 

Please observe, however, between now and that time, whether or not he makes you FEEL loved in every thing else he does and says. If that's happening, you may want to reconsider. Men have a hard time saying those words, but they are very clear in their actions. If he's not making you feel that way, it's probably not there and pretty unlikely at that point to happen.

[Gaeta]

No, I don't think 4 months is enough time - but I don't understand how someone could define a romantic ILY as "I want to marry you." That seems a bit extreme.

 

What does your ILY mean waiting4u?

 

'I love you but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you' that sounds normal?

 

May I ask how old you are? and him? If he's older than you then your ILY means different things.

[waiting4u]

What does your ILY mean waiting4u?

 

'I love you but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you' that sounds normal?

 

May I ask how old you are? and him? If he's older than you then your ILY means different things.

 

I'm 40, he's 36. I've been divorced 7 years and my last serious relationship ended 4 years ago. This is the first man I've said "I love you" to in a long while. I do feel like I want to spend my life with him, but I understand that's completely irrational at this point. I've just really fallen hard and was under the impression that he is similarly smitten - in fact, I didn't even like him when I first met him but he won me over.

 

I'm not naive. I just want some verbal affirmation. My ILY means I accept you and admire you for who you are - all the good and bad parts - I feel connected to you in a way that I feel is unique and special, and it makes me happy to be with you. It also means I want to make you happy and keep you from being hurt (if possible), stand by your side, help you through the difficult times and enjoy life with you for the unforeseeable future.

[BC1980]

I know you're supposed to look at a man's actions and he does show that he cares in a number of ways, But I can't imagine being with someone the way we are together and not feeling love for them. I mean, I wouldn't stay. If I don't feel like I could fall for somebody I'll get out at least within the first couple of months. Why the heck is he lingering and acting like he has so much affection for me if it's not real?

 

I believe love grows over time, but there has to be some sort of seed there in the beginning. I'm attractive, vivacious, intelligent, the whole package. I don't want to wait around for someone to decide whether or not I'm good enough for them. At the same time, I'm rather angry that I've invested so much (time, meeting the family, travel, etc.) in someone who doesn't feel some sort of deep emotion for me.

 

You know can't imagine you would stay, but that in no way, means there are people who wouldn't stay. We project how we would behave in a situation, and we think others will act the same. Even when we see it with our own eyes, we still have trouble believing that someone we love would do what they are doing. It's frustrating because we can only understand it from our point of view.

 

My last ex took 6 months to say ILY, and I don't know that he truly did. He loved me in some way, but he was content to keep me around for conpanionship and just to have someone. There are loads of people like that actually.

[BluEyeL]

I'm 40, he's 36. I've been divorced 7 years and my last serious relationship ended 4 years ago. This is the first man I've said "I love you" to in a long while. I do feel like I want to spend my life with him, but I understand that's completely irrational at this point. I've just really fallen hard and was under the impression that he is similarly smitten - in fact, I didn't even like him when I first met him but he won me over.

 

I'm not naive. I just want some verbal affirmation. My ILY means I accept you and admire you for who you are - all the good and bad parts - I feel connected to you in a way that I feel is unique and special, and it makes me happy to be with you. It also means I want to make you happy and keep you from being hurt (if possible), stand by your side, help you through the difficult times and enjoy life with you for the unforeseeable future.

But he gave you "some" verbal affirmation that was appropriate for the stage you two are in. He said he was crazy about you, he fell for you, all good things.

 

My ex-H kept saying ILY like a parrot, it meant squat.

 

Another ex said I love you and it still didn't mean anything, he dumped me after 3 months of dating.

 

It's better to give some amount of reasonable time to a man who is into you. I recommend you calm down a little. Nobody says to wait 2.5 years, but it's not even been 6 months. 6 months is a significant landmark. Don't say it and don't cry about it, especially don't act emotional! The more you push, the more he'll resist. Let it go for now, it'll come if it's meant to be.

 

You didn't even like him in the beginning, you say. That made you look confident. Don't let him see you sweat, it's not attractive. Go to therapy or talk to your friends instead.

 

Hugs!

[singsparkles]

Well, the whole “I love you” thing blew up this morning. I hope this makes sense because I’m very emotional right now. My BF and I have been together around 4-5 months and a month ago I told him I loved him. He smiled but did not reciprocate. I’ve tried asking him what love means to him but he doesn’t give me much of an answer. I’ve asked if he has ever said it to another girl and he said yes, he had.

 

I’ve stopped saying ILY to him and have dropped the subject for some time now, but it’s been eating away at me. I figured he just wasn’t there yet and of course I have to let him say it in his own time. The thing is – it’s hard not to know how someone feels about you! And a number of times I’ve wanted to say it in sweet moments and I feel like I have to bite my tongue so I won’t make him uncomfortable.

 

Last night and this morning we made love and I SO wanted to say it, so this morning I sort of tearfully asked him “[boyfriend], why don’t you love me? Haven’t you had enough time? Don’t you know by now? I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me.” I had to go to work and was gathering my things, and he followed me out the door and said “it’s not that I don’t love you” and hugged me and such – well, what does THAT mean?

 

I know 4-5 months isn’t long, but we know each other pretty well. We are both talkers, and talk / text / communicate constantly throughout the day and spend 4-5 days out of the week together (this depends somewhat on his work travel – he works out of town regularly for 3-4 day increments). He’s taken me to the seaside and I’ve met his entire family. In fact, we are supposed to have dinner with his family tonight because they are here from out of town.

 

Am I just not loveable? I asked why he was with me and he said because I was beautiful, sweet, fun and I have um the best ____________ in the world. Not exactly romantic, that last bit. I don’t want to force him to say it or to say it in a disingenuous way. I just want to know that he’s not just using me or that he finds me wanting in some way – like there’s something wrong with me he feels he can’t love – I don’t know. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship. It's just awful. Again, I’m sorry this is all gushy. It’s very upsetting.

 

 

 

I've TOTALLY been in your circumstance and can relate.

 

My one question is... every time you're together, does he make it about sex? does he start touching you right away?

 

Men are odd... I've been in this situation and come to find out the guy didn't love me because he only wanted me for sex. and the same deal... it's weird... he made me meet his WHOLE family... brought me to family functions...but wouldn't say it.

 

Guys are a very rare breed to understand...

 

I really think you need to get him to sit down and have a serious talk with you so you can tell him how you're feeling and get answers. You DESERVE answers.

 

If you feel you love him, it's a slap in the face for someone you spend so much time with to not say it back...

 

I think a conversation is really needed.

 

I don't think he "doesn't" love you... maybe he's a little bit immature. Men sometimes never mature, it takes them forever. Maybe he doesn't understand what he's feeling... but a talk about it needs to happen, because I know it's hurting you and you don't want it to eat at you any longer.

 

 

I wish all the best

 

Hugs

xxx

[mammasita]

Well I can't leave him today with his parents in town and everything - goodness. And I don't want to leave him. It also kind of feels like an ultimatum - "either you say you love me or I'll leave you." I'm confident enough in his affection to know he'd be miserable if I left him - as would I, obviously.

 

Is this maybe just a stoic man thing?

 

Absolutely not.

 

My BF is the manliest man of them all and very stoic.....rarely talks about emotions but willingly obliges if I want to. When I ask him what he wants for Christmas he says "Guns, ammo and beef jerky - isn't that what all men want?" But he always says I love you and I'm not always the one who says it first.

 

I feel for you, I know how it feels to hold it inside and then to let it out and not be reciprocated. I was deathly afraid of that myself. I think you're pretty early in your relationship.....early enough to give him a bit more time to figure it out, but like CarrieT said....don't wait 2 years....I say give him a few more months without any pressure.