zuleikawilde Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 *Sorry this is a novel. I just wanted to divulge as much information as possible* So my now ex dumped me on Friday. Just for background purposes, I’m 26 and he’s 32. The reasons he gave were that he felt that he couldn’t make me happy as I was having a difficult time with him being away a lot (he’s military). This is my first time dating a uniformed member, so naturally it took some getting used to. This type of relationship is difficult and I tip my hat off to all the military wives and girlfriends out there. His grandfather passed away Friday morning, requiring him to go to Virginia for a few days (we live in New Jersey), and he said he’d been dreading telling me because of how I would react to him leaving again (of course I wouldn't get angry at him leaving to go to HIS GRANDFATHER'S FUNERAL, but I will fully admit I did experience separation anxiety when he'd have to leave for military duty). We lived together, so naturally I still have some of his things in our apartment (the apartment is only leased under my name, we were just splitting the bills. I lived there before we got together and am fully capable of affording it on my own). During our breakup, it almost seemed like he backpedaled a bit. He first broke up with me, then after talking, he said “well maybe we should just slow things down”. I told him that you can’t go backwards, as in you can’t break up with me then say you just want to slow things down. On top of that, we already lived together. So how were we going to slow things down? I’m asking for honest suggestions here. I know he has a lot of skeletons which I don’t want to air out to everyone (not just “bad experiences”… he’s been diagnosed with some things). My mentor advised me that it seems like he has a lot of issues he’s been running away from and he got scared that he was getting so close to me, as my ex did confide in me that he’s never opened up in a relationship like that before. I texted him two days ago (after a failed attempt to call him, my only attempt since our breakup) saying “We need to coordinate when you can come over to get the rest of your things. Please don’t ignore my calls because I’m not attempting to have a long-winded conversation, I would just like to make more room in my apartment for my own things. Don’t be afraid or hesitant to talk to me. We’re both adults.” Thirty minutes later, he replied with, “I’m not afraid or hesitant, I really want to speak with you and I will when I can, please don’t think I’m ignoring you. I’m not afraid to talk, the duration of which matters not. I miss you and this is really hard for me.” I don’t want to hang onto false hope if there is no hope for us here. I’m no stranger to breakups, as I’ve always been the dumpee in my relationships, which is just as bad as being a constant dumper. I’ll go through hell and high water to make a relationship work even if it’s slapping me in the face that it’s not working: I would just rather look back and say “I tried everything” than look back and say “I should’ve tried _____”. He comes back from Virginia tonight and I’m not sure if there’s anything left to say at this point. I can overanalyze and come up with questions/explanations/etc., but to me, at the end of the day, if a person wants to be with you, they will just BE WITH YOU. END OF DISCUSSION. Please advise. Thanks again for your replies in advance.
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Being involved with (dating or married) to somebody on active duty is extremely stressful. Although my husband is a Vet, I don't think I could have been with him & maintained my sanity while he was still on active duty. For your BF to break up with his live in GF as he as leaving to go to his grandfather's funeral seems odd. You would think he'd turn to you as a source of support for his grief & why he thinks you would equate going to Virginia for a funeral to a multi-month (year+) deployment to a hot zone, makes even less sense. On some level it sounds like he was upset by his grandfather's death & used that as an excuse to pull the trigger on something he wanted previously -- to break up. For now, box up his stuff & give him some time to get back in touch with you regarding picking it up. If he doesn't reach out by Thanksgiving, call a mutual friend & arrange to have it delivered to him.
Author zuleikawilde Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 Thank you donnivain. I'm not sure if this will change things, but just to clarify: - he's no longer active duty. He was up until 5 years ago (we hadn't met yet). He's army reserves now and is gone a weekend a month, 2 weeks a year. He was never gone for longer than 2 weeks. - along with military TDY assignments, his civilian job in construction (he's a journeyman hoisting/elevator specialist) requires him to travel between NY and MD a lot. - If he’d wanted to break up prior to this, I had NO IDEA. This is really out of character for him because he and I are great communicators, which is why this whole military relationship was working out in the first place.
Axee Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 If he isnt on active duty, then why do you get separation anxiety.. You seem to be very insecure , work on that aspect.. As for your bf, just leave him alone, stop sending mgs to say ask him to collect his things etc...Everyone can easily guess that you just want to talk to him.. Please try to be quiet for some days, that is itself "doing something " to make it work... And whats the reason he gave for breaking up?
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 The fact that you couldn't handle his relatively safe travels & reserve duties makes me think that a break up has been on his back burner for a while now. I could wholly understand anxiety if he was deployed to a war zone or West Africa but really the 95 corridor just isn't that bad.
Author zuleikawilde Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 Separation anxiety was too harsh of a word. I'll elaborate further. I've been cheated on by two exes, so needless to say I'm a bit jaded. I've come a long way from where I was, but would still feel uncomfortable if he got called to go somewhere, couldn't tell me where it was or if I'd be able to speak to him or not. To me, it looked sketchy but he hasn't given me a reason to not trust him, so I took his word at face value. I'd get sad the day that he'd have to leave, but definitely within reasonable limits of being sad. On top of his army duties, his civilian job requires a lot of travel. A lot of the time he'd come back from an army assignment only to have to up and leave for Maryland or DC or what have you. Again, I'd be bummed about it, but I wouldn't throw tantrums or act irrationally. I don't think its out of the ordinary for someone to feel sad when their significant other is constantly away. The reason he gave for breaking it off was that he said "he couldn't be the boyfriend I wanted him to be right now, and [you] deserve someone who can give [you] everything you want". This confused me, because I never pressured or pushed for any more than he was giving, and I'm not materialistic by ANY means. I understand his job is demanding and being very career-oriented myself, I understood that work is work. As for the messageS thing, I only sent him one text to come collect his things. I don't think that's unreasonable.
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