Jbum5 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 hi everyone- to keep it short, if it's out of character for your girlfriend to get drunk, and she suggests that she'd like to do that, with or without you (the boyfriend), is it reasonable for you to be upset or am i overreacting here? two things bother me about this: 1. it's out of her character to do such a thing, regardless whether she is going through a life crises or not - "getting drunk" is just not her thing. 2. i feel like it's disrespect to me and the relationship since i think most people would agree that if their gf or bf proposed to randomly get drunk without them it would make them uncomfortable? this is something reasonable to get upset about yeah?
Tayla Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 no. Placed another way...if my guy who is not the least bit into daring sports, says,,,hon, I'd like to try sky diving...I'd be like....okay hon, lets see what places have training for that adventure. Your lady is seeking to try something that is outside her comfort zone...provided she is in good company that will look out for her when her judgment is impaired....then so be it. Its when it becomes a habit that your concern deserves brought to her attention...out of love of course. 4
singsparkles Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 hi everyone- to keep it short, if it's out of character for your girlfriend to get drunk, and she suggests that she'd like to do that, with or without you (the boyfriend), is it reasonable for you to be upset or am i overreacting here? two things bother me about this: 1. it's out of her character to do such a thing, regardless whether she is going through a life crises or not - "getting drunk" is just not her thing. 2. i feel like it's disrespect to me and the relationship since i think most people would agree that if their gf or bf proposed to randomly get drunk without them it would make them uncomfortable? this is something reasonable to get upset about yeah? My question is, who is she asking to get drunk with? Is she asking to get drunk without you? Do you know the people she wants to get drunk with, if indeed, there are other people involved? How old is she? Has she not gotten out of the years where she needs to have a little fun? Sometimes young people fall into a phase in their life where they think to themselves, "gosh, I was young but I never got to do this, or never got to do that".. I don't know the situation, but maybe she is feeling that way. Did you offer to go with her? and if she goes with friends, why don't you offer to be the designated driver to drop them off and pick them up? (if she needs "girl time") I guess it's random for you because you have never seen her get drunk or want to get drunk while she's been with you (it seems) A little fun doesn't hurt. But you definitely can ask to be involved in some way!
IronZ Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Stop trying to control her. Just because it's "out of character" doesn't mean it should be forbidden fruit for her to try alcohol. If you want to be a good supportive bf then take her out to a bar and buy her a couple drinks. Make sure you stay sober so you can take care of her. Don't be the guy that forbids her from doing stuff. That's how you drive someone away. 2
organizedchaos Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 hi everyone- to keep it short, if it's out of character for your girlfriend to get drunk, and she suggests that she'd like to do that, with or without you (the boyfriend), is it reasonable for you to be upset or am i overreacting here? two things bother me about this: 1. it's out of her character to do such a thing, regardless whether she is going through a life crises or not - "getting drunk" is just not her thing. 2. i feel like it's disrespect to me and the relationship since i think most people would agree that if their gf or bf proposed to randomly get drunk without them it would make them uncomfortable? this is something reasonable to get upset about yeah? Yes, you are unreasonable here. 1 not your job to determine what she is or is not allowed to do or what is within her "character". It's her life, not yours. 2 how is it disrespectful to you? Do you own her? Is she getting drunk with other dudes without you? You have control issues. Seek help. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 hi everyone- to keep it short, if it's out of character for your girlfriend to get drunk, and she suggests that she'd like to do that, with or without you (the boyfriend), is it reasonable for you to be upset or am i overreacting here? two things bother me about this: 1. it's out of her character to do such a thing, regardless whether she is going through a life crises or not - "getting drunk" is just not her thing. 2. i feel like it's disrespect to me and the relationship since i think most people would agree that if their gf or bf proposed to randomly get drunk without them it would make them uncomfortable? this is something reasonable to get upset about yeah?[/QUOTE] No. She would like to have a few drinks - so what? Are you afraid of what will happen when she drinks? Do you not trust her? You're over-reacting and being far too controlling. You're her boyfriend, not her father.
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I don't think I'd be upset. I'd just tell her not to drive home drunk (especially in my car), and Id' make sure she knows I'm not going to be involved in any cleanup or hangover maintenance. Other than that, do what you want. 1
Author Jbum5 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 I get that, thanks for the replies. It's sort of hard for me to be involved as a designated driver when we're not even in the same city or state. This is a long distance relationship, so this doesn't really help the relationship and I can only see it hindering it. Also understand this, I think most people would agree that no matter how much you say you trust someone, it's never an ansolute 100%, otherwise why does insecurity exist? Second, when you're drunk, which implies loss of control, it doesn't matter who trusts you, you can do something stupid and just say you can't remember it or that it wasn't your fault - and you know what? It may not be your fault. Let's say she gets drunk without me and some guy kisses her. At that point, it wouldn't have mattered who kissed who, just that the kiss happened. That would pretty much strain and stain the relationship period. The fact that she consciously chose to get drunk without you already puts her in that vulnerable position. If someone else exploits that, the issue wouldn't even be about who kissed who but why she chose to get drunk in the first place thus putting herself in that position. All this isn't helped by the fact that we are not even in the same state (hence long d), and that she says she's completely past that "partying stage" (I think we are old enough). And that I'd never even consider doing anything myself that I feel would make her insecure or affect our relationship in a negative way. I put limits on myself, can she not do the same for me?
Chemist Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I get that, thanks for the replies. It's sort of hard for me to be involved as a designated driver when we're not even in the same city or state. This is a long distance relationship, so this doesn't really help the relationship and I can only see it hindering it. Also understand this, I think most people would agree that no matter how much you say you trust someone, it's never an ansolute 100%, otherwise why does insecurity exist? Second, when you're drunk, which implies loss of control, it doesn't matter who trusts you, you can do something stupid and just say you can't remember it or that it wasn't your fault - and you know what? It may not be your fault. Let's say she gets drunk without me and some guy kisses her. At that point, it wouldn't have mattered who kissed who, just that the kiss happened. That would pretty much strain and stain the relationship period. The fact that she consciously chose to get drunk without you already puts her in that vulnerable position. If someone else exploits that, the issue wouldn't even be about who kissed who but why she chose to get drunk in the first place thus putting herself in that position. All this isn't helped by the fact that we are not even in the same state (hence long d), and that she says she's completely past that "partying stage" (I think we are old enough). And that I'd never even consider doing anything myself that I feel would make her insecure or affect our relationship in a negative way. I put limits on myself, can she not do the same for me? I think you misunderstand what it means to trust some one. If I trust a girl, that means I trust her to keep her wits about her and give no reason for another guy to think she wants a kiss. Then, I trust her not to do it. Furthermore, I trust that if she does it, she has a enough respect to tell me. Your version of trust is to secure and prevent. While I understand your points, it really doesn't count as trust if you don't try to let go of control of the situation and let her handle it. Also, each others limits are different. She is not obligated to live by your limits. This is a relationship bro, it's not compromise city. You let the other person be themselves, and you ask, do I love them as they are? If you can't handle her going out for a night, then it's your problem not hers. 3
Haydn Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Me and my flame get wrecked every now and then with respective mates. Tell her to have a good time and you'll have a mop on standby. Unless there's more to this then no worries. 1
Els Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I get that, thanks for the replies. It's sort of hard for me to be involved as a designated driver when we're not even in the same city or state. This is a long distance relationship, so this doesn't really help the relationship and I can only see it hindering it. Also understand this, I think most people would agree that no matter how much you say you trust someone, it's never an ansolute 100%, otherwise why does insecurity exist? Second, when you're drunk, which implies loss of control, it doesn't matter who trusts you, you can do something stupid and just say you can't remember it or that it wasn't your fault - and you know what? It may not be your fault. Let's say she gets drunk without me and some guy kisses her. At that point, it wouldn't have mattered who kissed who, just that the kiss happened. That would pretty much strain and stain the relationship period. The fact that she consciously chose to get drunk without you already puts her in that vulnerable position. If someone else exploits that, the issue wouldn't even be about who kissed who but why she chose to get drunk in the first place thus putting herself in that position. All this isn't helped by the fact that we are not even in the same state (hence long d), and that she says she's completely past that "partying stage" (I think we are old enough). And that I'd never even consider doing anything myself that I feel would make her insecure or affect our relationship in a negative way. I put limits on myself, can she not do the same for me? How old are you? How 'drunk' exactly is she talking about - are we talking a few social drinks or literally wanting to black herself out? Who is she planning to drink with? In what context did she bring it up? 1
Toodaloo Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Normally I am sober, a complete tee total, not a drop passes thine lips. But every now and then I like to get together with one or two good friends and crack open the Pimms/ wine/ brandy... Those times are normally rather memorable... Its good to have a blow out and be a bit of an idiot every now and then. Reminds you not to take the world so seriously. I wouldn't find this offensive, upsetting or any form of negative in any way... Unless they did it regularly/ all the time - then you are into a new ball game. Once every few months or so is fine, its just a blow out, a stress relief. 3
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Her wanting to get drunk is not the same thing as announcing she wants to cheat on you. If she has never done it before & wants to see what it feels like, you can't really stop that. Hopefully she will be safe about it. I know it wasn't the best way to handle it but this past Spring the day someone very close to me died, I came home from the hospital & announced to my husband that I wanted to get drunk because I just didn't want to feel anymore. He said fine & took very good care of me while I was drowning my sorrows & the next day when he had to hold my hair. 1
acapelo_dp Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I think it's completely normal for her to want to experiment and drink if she is of legal age. She is an adult and can do as she pleases, she just wants to try and have a little fun. Doesn't mean that she is going to cheat on you. Maybe she will discover that she doesn't like drinking at all. 1
IronZ Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Dude you have trust issues and control issues. I'm surprised you're even in a relationship considering these are huge flaws that no one finds attractive. You need to sort your sh** out and be cool, otherwise you're going to drive your gf away, and I'm guessing you really like her and don't want that to happen.
slizl Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I would never date someone who didn't drink. Different strokes for different folks I guess. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Normally I am sober, a complete tee total, not a drop passes thine lips. But every now and then I like to get together with one or two good friends and crack open the Pimms/ wine/ brandy... Those times are normally rather memorable... Its good to have a blow out and be a bit of an idiot every now and then. Reminds you not to take the world so seriously. I wouldn't find this offensive, upsetting or any form of negative in any way... Unless they did it regularly/ all the time - then you are into a new ball game. Once every few months or so is fine, its just a blow out, a stress relief. Thank you ^^...Sometimes you just wanna jump up and down and get crazy I like turning up the music, dancing and having fun with a couple of drinks and/or beers...Shake the blues away... BTW, I was planning on doing that this weekend, but mum will be home...I hate my life 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 If you've already made up your mind about whether or not this should cause concern, why are you asking us for our feedback? I think she is a big girl and can decide for herself. You are projecting in a major way. That level of insecurity isn't attractive either.
Diezel Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Projections abound. Personally, I'd love it if she got drunk with me. And if it's without me, I hope she at least has the decency to have a good time. 2
NJ123 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I would never date someone who didn't drink. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I wouldn't mind being with someone who likes to drink occasionally, but just not all the time. I'm not into the partying lifestyle at all except for special occasions or every once in awhile in the Spring & Summer.
umirano Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I'm going to disagree with most everyone here. I do not think it's "cool" or an awesome excursion out of her comfort zone. Getting drunk is just not that kind of achievement IMO. So you're LD? And she's young? Like early 20s? She'll probably have a few friends a long, who have friends along. She'll probably like it. She knows she can call you a controlling BF from hell as soon as you utter a peep to her WRT getting drunk / being hung over / losing her phone. I've been in an LDR with my GF not having her **** together when it came to drugs. Also she'd claim otherwise of course every time she got wasted. Of course her drinking doesn't immediately imply that she cheats. But many drugs (including alcohol and cannabis) lower the social barriers and increase sex drive (with certain people). If she cheats and ends up telling you she'll probably call it rape. You'll have a huge mess to sort out, depending on how mature your girl is and what kind of personality she is. The way you asked the question tells me your instinct is having objections. So... what does all this mean in practical terms? You can't forbid her to do it. You have to sit and wait what happens. Observe, don't ask 5000 questions about her drunk night when you talk to her next time. Just listen carefully to what she says and how she says it. Maybe she just has a couple of glasses with her GFs. Maybe she downs ten shots off of the six pack of a dude who has the hots for her. Time will tell, since you're LD you need to be patient. Interrogating her will provide her with ammunition against you, the evil controlling insecure BF before you even can find out anything of relevance.
Author Jbum5 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 Sounds like half of you are talking like getting drunk and blacking out is no biggie. No concern for the safety of your gf either. Not even classy. Pisses me off just reading the amount of lets-get-drunk endorsers. Drinking socially is acceptable, but blatantly getting drunk and blacking out? No. Not classy at all. I agree with the last post only. My ex was a heavy drinker and a drug user. Can't blame me for having trust issues, especially when it's long distance.
Gloria25 Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Sounds like half of you are talking like getting drunk and blacking out is no biggie. No concern for the safety of your gf either. Not even classy. Pisses me off just reading the amount of lets-get-drunk endorsers. Drinking socially is acceptable, but blatantly getting drunk and blacking out? No. Not classy at all. I agree with the last post only. My ex was a heavy drinker and a drug user. Can't blame me for having trust issues, especially when it's long distance. Well, I'm not an advocate for drug use (I've never, ever even tried smoking a joint), I certainly have not drank to the point where I blacked out and/or woke up somewhere I didn't start at. Yes, I do agree that if you are gonna party, you gotta be responsible. I've known of several females who cried "rape" then recanted to cover up cheating. Also, if you are not in control of yourself, yes, you are gonna be easy prey for rapist and jerks.
IronZ Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Sounds like half of you are talking like getting drunk and blacking out is no biggie. No concern for the safety of your gf either. Not even classy. Pisses me off just reading the amount of lets-get-drunk endorsers. Drinking socially is acceptable, but blatantly getting drunk and blacking out? No. Not classy at all. I agree with the last post only. My ex was a heavy drinker and a drug user. Can't blame me for having trust issues, especially when it's long distance. Nobody is advocating letting your gf get sloshed and blacking out or whatever. We're advocating you not being such a dick about it. You're acting like you own her. If you really want to be a good bf, take her to a bar and both of you drink responsibly. Sorry but you're being a huge toolbag. Trust and control issues are not attractive. You're going to lose this girl if you keep acting like this, so take the stick out of your backside and be a little more open minded. 7
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