Country_Girl Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I'll try to make a long story short, been dating this guy for 2 weeks. He pays for all the meals, will not let me contribute. Did mention he's afraid of relationships since his last ex screwed him over. But seemed open, just said he was cautious. We have hung out almost every day at his request, I even folded twice because I thought it was too much. He doesn't ask friend questions, he asks dating questions " how are u in a relationship...how do you handle conflict in a relationship...longest relationship..mentions I always look good...references the first time he met me and was checking me out, and what he did to prevent some other guy from talking to me". We greet and part with a kiss...a little pg making out the last week. He calls me nicknames like sweetheart. Mentions he's so glad he met me and looks forward to seeing me daily. Plans the next date before the prior one is over. We slept together last weekend. After that he was a little distant. I said, I know we're both unsure of a relationship right now, but we are at least dating right? I don't want this to be a friends with benefits arrangement. He said there was no difference between dating and a relationship, that as it stands we are friends that have been hooking up. I canceled that **** when I heard it...I told him we'll be friends and nothing more from this point forward. What the heck...why does dating have to mean a relationship... I just wanted it defined further than friends than hang out, have a good time together, and sleep together. Does the term 'dating' scare guys away? I didn't say exclusive dating either.
Jules Dash Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I avoid those who say they are "cautious" or not looking for a relationship because of what happened in their last relationship. Those people almost always are not really ready to date and they just become annoying. It doesn't seem like he was ready to move on. Let him be cautios or heal somewhere else rather than suck the life blood out of you trying to do so.
MalachiX Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 It's only a "big deal" for guys who are lying to you or lying to themselves. The rest of us have no problem with the word "dating." If I've gone on multiple dates with someone then I certainly would say we're dating. That's just grammar Pretending other wise is just stupid. Like putting food in your mouth, swallowing it, but then insisting, "I'm not eating; I'm just chewing with benefits." "Dating" to me isn't the same thing as being super committed though, to be honest, I don't see other people if I'm going on multiple dates with someone. The guy was screwing with you and you were right to call him on it.
carhill Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Did mention he's afraid of relationships since his last ex screwed him over. How long ago was that relationship? Expressing emotional vulnerabilities can be a big deal for a guy who isn't healed from the emotional turmoil of a failed relationship or marriage. That's part and parcel of serious dating and sexual relations for any relationship-minded person. Hard to know what's in his mind. Generally, once sex is on the table, things don't go backwards, they either move forward or end, with 'things' referring to relationship potential.
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 This dude is nuts. OK not really, but he is definitely not looking for anything that's not friends with benefit s. Dating and a relationship is not the same thing. Good for you! Putting a stop to it immediately since you weren't comfortable.
Diezel Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 The term "dating" scares PEOPLE away now. It used to be dating, and it is not replaced by "hanging out" which I now find ridiculous because it is the same thing. Just that one is masqueraded as being a little more casual. But it's the SAME THING. Anyone who is quick to make that there is a distinction between one and the other... and you want a commitment?... drop them.
IronZ Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I don't know how much insight I have on this but to me, dating always meant the first few steps before a relationship. Dating to me is going on "dates," getting to know each other, light contact like kissing or holding hands (not sleeping together). At some point in the dating process it's decided that you're pretty good together and you become a couple. Everything is then open to you. Sex, other relationship stuff, etc. I know some people view it differently. Some people will go out, have sex, and then never speak to the person again. Some will do all that on a weekly basis and still see other people ("dating around" as I've heard it). I don't know.. I'm not really into stuff like that. If I'm dating someone more than once (second/third/fourth date) I expect it to lead somewhere so I wouldn't want them going out with other people. It sounds to me like this guy's idea of dating means just hooking up with you no strings attached. That's not dating if you ask me.
Assasda Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 when on a date youre not yourself, youre a representative of yourself. Stuffy word I think
Andy_K Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Honestly, to me there is very little difference between dating and a relationship either. I'll happily sleep with someone I'm dating, introduce them to friends and so forth, and I don't do multi dating so it's always exclusive anyway. The only real difference in a relationship is that you're a bit more secure in each other's intentions going forward and you make plans together further in the future. That said, if I went on a few dates with someone and then slept with them, I would assume we were dating, not friends who hook up! Unless something to that end had already been brought up.
Toodaloo Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 "I'm not eating; I'm just chewing with benefits." . You are quote of the day! I will be using this later as we are all sharing some cheese and biscuits at my afternoon job today!!! I know the boys will tell the girls that as we are on diets we are not allowed so much! I have no idea what dating is or is supposed to be. In my day if you started seeing someone with the intention to it moving on to a romantic liaison then you were dating/ in a relationship and it all meant one and the same. If you were meeting someone with the sole intention of having sex and nothing more well that was just that. We didn't mess about with FWB and all that cr4p...
Emilia Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 We slept together last weekend. After that he was a little distant. I said, I know we're both unsure of a relationship right now, but we are at least dating right? I don't want this to be a friends with benefits arrangement. He said there was no difference between dating and a relationship, that as it stands we are friends that have been hooking up. I canceled that **** when I heard it...I told him we'll be friends and nothing more from this point forward. What the heck...why does dating have to mean a relationship... I just wanted it defined further than friends than hang out, have a good time together, and sleep together. Does the term 'dating' scare guys away? I didn't say exclusive dating either. Do you know by any chance the length of his longest relationship? I experienced something similar once with someone who wasn't capable of holding down relationships for longer than 6 months. By the time I met him, his self-esteem was shot. He blamed it on an ex but from the stories he told me it was clear that he wasn't going into that relationship with the right mindset either. He is very unstable emotionally, isn't capable of running smoothly for more than 2 weeks. He will do something to create a rollercoaster, to create a problem even when there isn't one. He also has anger management issues and freezes up completely over the slightest thing sometimes if it triggers something. The fact that you spent so much time together that it made you pull back a couple of times and then he distanced himself straight after sex is bad news. I know on the surface it seems to be about some guy hitting on you hard with sex in mind but those guys don't bother having the kind of conversations that he did. I think his emotional problems are deep. Carhill refers to turmoil and I would go further and think that the turmoil is always there rather than just caused by an ex. It was my experience. There isn't much you can do with someone who is this afraid and unstable.
Redhead14 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 It doesn't matter if it's a big deal for guys. It matters whether it's a big deal for YOU. If that is something you need/want and they don't, then you move on. You are already at a crossroads with someone you don't even have a relationship with.
preraph Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 The only guy who'd refuse to say they're dating when they are, in fact, dating is one who is only getting sex, in his mind. You are dating him and you asked the right question and found out that despite all his other utterances that he is just having sex with you. You are quite right to totally cut him off, even, and not EVEN keep him because he is no friend of yours and has no real substance or care for you. He simply acted interested long enough to get in your pants, as most guys know how to do if they are so inclined. Run him off.
oberkeat Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) I'll try to make a long story short, been dating this guy for 2 weeks. He pays for all the meals, will not let me contribute. Did mention he's afraid of relationships since his last ex screwed him over. But seemed open, just said he was cautious. We have hung out almost every day at his request, I even folded twice because I thought it was too much. He doesn't ask friend questions, he asks dating questions " how are u in a relationship...how do you handle conflict in a relationship...longest relationship..mentions I always look good...references the first time he met me and was checking me out, and what he did to prevent some other guy from talking to me". We greet and part with a kiss...a little pg making out the last week. He calls me nicknames like sweetheart. Mentions he's so glad he met me and looks forward to seeing me daily. Plans the next date before the prior one is over. We slept together last weekend. After that he was a little distant. I said, I know we're both unsure of a relationship right now, but we are at least dating right? I don't want this to be a friends with benefits arrangement. He said there was no difference between dating and a relationship, that as it stands we are friends that have been hooking up. I canceled that **** when I heard it...I told him we'll be friends and nothing more from this point forward. What the heck...why does dating have to mean a relationship... I just wanted it defined further than friends than hang out, have a good time together, and sleep together. Does the term 'dating' scare guys away? I didn't say exclusive dating either. This guy sounds like he has a lot of work to do on himself before he becomes worthy of some girl's attention. He seems bitter and jaded, traits which are almost as unattractive as needy and desperate. The fact that he even mentioned his problems with his ex was an immediate red flag. You were right to cut him off. I'm amazed he got as far with you as he did with that attitude. Edited October 16, 2014 by oberkeat
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