LDR & The Disappearing Act

[ldrblues]

Hello Everyone,

 

Here goes my story...

I am a 27 year old female. I met this guy online who is 24 and at the time he was living just a bart ride outside my city. We saw eachother for about 7 months in real life before he had to go back to his original country as he got layed-off from the job he had here. He is not a US citizen. So we still decided to continue to see each other and saw each other about twice a year for 2 to 3 week vacations together. Now we have been together for 3 years. His contract job that he has in his country ends this month and so does his paper he needs to write to get his PHD. Then he will be free to search for a job in the US and we could start a life together. Problem is it really is extremely difficult for him to find a job here and it is worrisome. I love him very much but he has a difficult time communicating to me sometimes. It comes and goes in phases where he is depressed about things that are going on in his life that he doesn't have it in him to share with me. Right now he hasn't communicated with me in just over a week. We would Skype on a weekly basis at least and chat a bit every time we would see each other online. He used to write me emails and those stopped in June. I decide to write him one on the 7th of this month to discuss plans for spending time together after this month. On the 7th of this month when we chatted he said he would give it his best to reply back to my emails but he hasn't and it is now 8 days later. So I don't know what to do. Two days ago while I was online I noticed he was online too and asked him why he hasn't responded to my email. He just left and never got back to me. I figure if he was online he must of been talking to someone....else.

 

Is he trying to end our relationship by just disappearing? I have heard this happening to other ppl and I really don't want this to be the case in our relationship because we have been together for awhile and that just would not bring any closure whatsoever. I know this month is especially stressful for him too as he is finishing school and his contract job ends. So, I am trying not to be too mean or sound selfish. But at the same time, I also feel like I am being put in a hard situation where I really want to discuss our future and feel like I deserve at least a response to my email. But, I don't know what to do when I don't know what is going on in his life? Right now I haven't been communicating anymore with him because I don't know what to say and he isn't either. I haven't said anything bad to him that would have caused him to disappear like this. He said he wanted to improve his communication to me and that didn't come from me. So what is happening? I'm left so confused...

 

Do you think he will respond back if I wait for him to? Or do you think he is gone for good...? Should I communicate again if I haven't heard from him still? The sad part is he is such a different person in real life when we have spent time together. When we are in these periods of distance the communication gets extremely difficult. I want to see him again and to start a life with him and he has said he wants the same...but does a person really love you still when they cannot communicate to you in a week or more so?

Edited October 16, 2014 by ldrblues

[TMichaels]

I want to see him again and to start a life with him and he has said he wants the same...but does a person really love you still when they cannot communicate to you in a week or more so?

 

Why are you making someone a priority in your life who clearly considers you optional in theirs?

 

People make time for what are priorities in their lives; they don't make time for those that aren't.

 

Ask yourself this: If this guy was local would you put up with how he is acting and treating you? I hope the answer is no.

 

Face it: Not all relationships, LDR or not, work out. Time to cut the chord on this one and move on to one where you ARE just important to them as they are to you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[emi]

Hello Everyone,

 

Here goes my story...

I am a 27 year old female. I met this guy online who is 24 and at the time he was living just a bart ride outside my city. We saw eachother for about 7 months in real life before he had to go back to his original country as he got layed-off from the job he had here. He is not a US citizen. So we still decided to continue to see each other and saw each other about twice a year for 2 to 3 week vacations together. Now we have been together for 3 years. His contract job that he has in his country ends this month and so does his paper he needs to write to get his PHD. Then he will be free to search for a job in the US and we could start a life together. Problem is it really is extremely difficult for him to find a job here and it is worrisome. I love him very much but he has a difficult time communicating to me sometimes. It comes and goes in phases where he is depressed about things that are going on in his life that he doesn't have it in him to share with me. Right now he hasn't communicated with me in just over a week. We would Skype on a weekly basis at least and chat a bit every time we would see each other online. He used to write me emails and those stopped in June. I decide to write him one on the 7th of this month to discuss plans for spending time together after this month. On the 7th of this month when we chatted he said he would give it his best to reply back to my emails but he hasn't and it is now 8 days later. So I don't know what to do. Two days ago while I was online I noticed he was online too and asked him why he hasn't responded to my email. He just left and never got back to me. I figure if he was online he must of been talking to someone....else.

 

Is he trying to end our relationship by just disappearing? I have heard this happening to other ppl and I really don't want this to be the case in our relationship because we have been together for awhile and that just would not bring any closure whatsoever. I know this month is especially stressful for him too as he is finishing school and his contract job ends. So, I am trying not to be too mean or sound selfish. But at the same time, I also feel like I am being put in a hard situation where I really want to discuss our future and feel like I deserve at least a response to my email. But, I don't know what to do when I don't know what is going on in his life? Right now I haven't been communicating anymore with him because I don't know what to say and he isn't either. I haven't said anything bad to him that would have caused him to disappear like this. He said he wanted to improve his communication to me and that didn't come from me. So what is happening? I'm left so confused...

 

Do you think he will respond back if I wait for him to? Or do you think he is gone for good...? Should I communicate again if I haven't heard from him still? The sad part is he is such a different person in real life when we have spent time together. When we are in these periods of distance the communication gets extremely difficult. I want to see him again and to start a life with him and he has said he wants the same...but does a person really love you still when they cannot communicate to you in a week or more so?

 

 

Why dont you just msg him and ask directly what he want? And tell him if he keeps ignore you, you will take ít as the end and wish him luck. I would do this and go NC if he doesnt change

[cerridwen]

I agree with Emi. Enough of the waiting game.

Take charge.

 

You posed a lot of questions that are impossible to answer since we don't know what he's thinking. He could be overwhelmed by the uphill battle of finding a job and emigrating. He could be stressed and unable to move in any direction. The bottom line is 8 days of radio silence is unacceptable in a RL---stress or no.

 

I appreciate that this is painful, OP, I do.

But by continuing to be patient, you're prolonging your suffering.

[ldrblues]

Thank you guys for your support, I really appreciate it. This is actually my first relationship, so probably why I feel so connected to it. Plus it has been 3 years with this person. I really felt he was the one. I am an introvert and have social anxiety, so it is really challenging for me to meet people. But, we really did connect when he was in town and vice versa. It was the distance which made it very difficult and the time zone differences too. He was a different amazing person when we were not separated by countries.

 

To give you an update he ended the relationship with me because he was also dealing with his own issues and finding a job in the US is difficult not being a citizen. He still said he loved me. I wish we could of worked things out because we shared a great connection. I was able to open up with him which is unusual for me. He was like a really good friend too. If only we weren't so far away from each other.

 

I just didn't have it in me to end the relationship on my part. I felt determined to do everything possible to make it lasting. I am an honest, faithful and sensitive person and I know that can have its downside and end up making me a target to be easily hurt.

 

Now I am getting kind of scared because I am getting older and not really social so its hard for me to meet people. I am having a lack of confidence right now and I don't have much of a support group of friends as I really only have one girlfriend I see occasionally and only one family member. I work a full-time job, which is 10hr days, 4 days a week. It is a high stress job and when I come home I am pretty exhausted. I have a lot of trouble making friends because I have this social anxiety issue and am shy. I haven't finished college as I find it hard to do both work and class at the same time because I can't keep up good grades. I need to work to pay rent, so I feel so boxed in right now. I am starting to doubt what career path I want to take because of my self-esteem is falling further to a low. I kind of forgotten my interests. I feel like I will end up alone because of my lack of self-esteem which I have been struggling with for many years.

Edited October 20, 2014 by ldrblues

[TMichaels]

ldrblues,

 

Sorry to hear about the demise of your relationship and also your emotional issues. I can understand what a dilemma you find yourself in and how difficult it can be to keep your energy and spirits up.

 

But, in the words of the immortal Henry Ford:

 

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."

 

IOW, the conversations you have in your head will make you either your own best advocate or worst enemy. Work on thinking positive and don't waste your energy on what's not.

 

There are enough people in the world ready to rain on others' parades. Don't let them; instead learn to dance in the rain. You'll be the better (and happier) for it.

 

Best,

TMichaels