Not much contact in between dates

[GeneralJennyJenn]

So for the past almost year now, I joined an online dating site. I have gone out on quite a few dates since then but I haven't clicked with anyone until recently. This guy and I have been on three dates. The first date was in mid August, our second date wasn't till late September. In between the first and second date our schedules clashed a lot and he moved to a new apartment.

 

Then we went out on a third date. But here's what I noticed. In between the 2nd date till now. It has been me primarily initiating contact via texts. In which he always responds to right away. We never texted much to begin with. I thought originally it was due to the same mentality that we didn't know one another and didn't want to create false illusion based on texts. However I noticed on our 3rd date we really bonded over shared interests. A lot of laughing, sharing food etc etc. At the end of the night we kissed for a bit which was very nice.

 

I also want to add that in the 3rd date I invited him to this event that was a few weeks away to do an activity I knew we both would enjoy. He seemed pleased by my offer and said it would be fun. But the event was two weeks after our 3rd date. We talked tentatively about going out dancing last weekend but when I texted him to finalize the plans he said he couldn't make it and was vague about the reason why. However he asked if we could go out this past Monday night? I forgot it was a holiday (I have to work anyways) and told him I couldn't plus I had plans that evening with my friend. I told him I could wait till this weekend when I would see him for the event.

 

Now this is where I was thrown off, when I told him I would wait till this Sat he kind of I think joke that this event is not as exciting as going out to a club and dancing. I kind of felt insulted and said if the event wasn't his thing, that I could ask someone else. He said no, that he wanted to do it. Then I wished him a good weekend and didn't get any texts from him since.

 

This morning I texted him the info for where and what time to meet for this event this weekend along with a funny picture about it being Wednesday, hump day. He responded back with a hi and happy hump day along with a smiley face. That's it.

 

Now I kind of regret inviting him to do this event with me. I know he is not much of a texter granted but no contact in between dates to me is kind of a red flag. I really believe if you like someone you let them know and when we are together he tells me he likes me, thinks I am cute and fun to be with. Wants to take it slow and see where things go? We are also still dating other people. I find it kind of disappointing to see him all the time on the dating website. Granted I am not expecting him to take down his profile and profess his undying love to me. But the fact he doesn't contact me at all in between dates and is always on this dating site makes me feel like I am probably more into him than he is into me.

 

Dating is hard and its especially harder when you actually meet someone decent and feel like you have good chemistry and shared interest only to see maybe they're not really into you? Despite all things on the contrary in person. I do find it funny he was telling me he is very picky about who he spends his time with and says he's an easy going guy which when we are together is true. I just don't want to be wasting my time. I also don't want to be chasing away a possible good match. In the meantime I am still talking to other guys and have a possible date lined up Friday night. I just feel like come Saturday I have to play it super cool to avoid getting my feelings hurt.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? That when you're with the guy, its hunky dory. But unless you initiate contact, he doesn't. But he always responds right away. Any advice or insights much appreciated

[Stsm5934]

I've gone through a similar situation. I'm wondering how into this guy you are? You mentioned a few times that he says he's into you and talked a lot about how you feel his actions reflect his feelings, but it doesn't seem your head over heels for this guy. Not every relationship is red hot off the grill, some start slow and people really take their time getting to know one another. He might not be totally enamored, but he's interested enough to keep dating you...just depends on whether that is enough for you.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I think because our dates have been somewhat sporadic and the lack of contact in between the dates has me wondering if he's really into me or not. I am used to guys keeping in touch with me.

 

Our first date was in mid August. Somewhat awkward and at the time I was dating 2 other guys online and a neighbor of mine. After our first date I thought he was too serious and perhaps moody? During our first date, you can bet I was a "delightful" and joked, teased a little. When we parted I wasn't sure we would go out again? I do think we had made tentative plans to meet up but I was off from work. That meant traveling some in and out of town the rest of August. And by the time September rolled around I was back to work and he was busy as he in the process of looking for and moving into his new apartment. He and I would occasionally text one another then finally the end of September we went out on our 2nd date.

 

Second date was again a little awkward because I really couldn't remember much details from our first date. It was a good 4-5 weeks ago! Anyways the second date went better than the first and I was starting to see him loosen up a bit. At the end of the second date we had a sweet goodnight kiss (closed mouth)

 

For our third date the following weekend, I came from a busy afternoon with friends to meet him for dinner and drinks. This date was wayyy better. A lot of smiling, we shared dessert. He asked to try my beverage at the bar. We found out we had some things in common which is very important to me. I desire to date someone who I can do things with. If you can't have fun with your man sometime, then what's the point of being with someone? That was a big lesson I learned from my last two long term relationships. Shared interests and core values do matter. Anyways at the bar he leaned over and we kissed a little and it was great! I think we both we're blushing or a bit shy when we stopped kissing. Then we went back to having a conversation. After that he walked me to the train and we made out some more and said goodbyes. I knew then there was a chance I would not get to see him the following weekend. As he has just seen me two weekends in a row and we had plans for this Saturday. If he had not said yes to dancing when we were walking to the train, I would have never sent an text last Thurs confirming plans and then the whole bit you read in my post above about me not being able to meet up with him Monday.

 

I guess because we hardly communicate at all in between our dates and that they've been kind of stretched out over 2 months it has put me out of my comfort zone. On the flip side I am trying to remind myself, going slow is good. Probably one of the best way to go about it to be honest. I have already decided a while back, sleeping with a guy early on is a big no no. I don't want to confuse chemistry/lust with a real shot at lasting love. And I don't sense this guy is trying to sleep with me right away.....or is he? I can't help in my jaded little brain not to wonder.

 

What I really like about him? He's artistic in an unusual way in which he has no one particular medium but dabbles in many and quite impressive. Something he does on the side. He has a full-time job. He has paid for all of our dates. That's partly why I wanted to do something nice for him and arranged this art related event since it seems for the past 2-3 years he's stopped doing artistic projects.

 

What I find odd is he only really wants to go out to dinners and a pub afterwards for drinks. I am a doer, I like activities and sometimes its hard to have to sit there and just keep talking or whatever during the date. I am not the kind who can't shut up when it gets quiet. I just stay quiet and give my dates a cute grin or pretend to be lost in thoughts. Anyways I thought doing an activity would be a nice change of pace too. Now I wonder, did I somehow become the pursuer inadvertently? They say guys like a chase. Is me pretty much setting up the fourth date be the reason why he's not contacting me? Or am I just over reacting?

[2sunny]

3 dates in 3 months? Start dating other men.

 

This guy may be taking it sloooow - but if he were really really INTO you - he'd see you more than once a month.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I don't think you read my 2nd post correctly

but as I stated

we had conflicts for a good 4-5 weeks

then we went out two weekends in a row

that was a little over a week ago

I will see him this Saturday

it has been 2 months total

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Btw I am dating other people, I am meeting someone new this Friday evening once we confirm where. I was already dating 3 other men when I first met the guy I like now.

[2sunny]

I don't think you read my 2nd post correctly

but as I stated

we had conflicts for a good 4-5 weeks

then we went out two weekends in a row

that was a little over a week ago

I will see him this Saturday

it has been 2 months total

 

I understood it! Look - I'm old. And I'll tell you I know a lot of very busy wealthy and important people. They ALWAYS make time for the people they are truly interested in. And I mean big effort every day.

 

Make no mistake about it - the guy is not prioritizing you.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Thank you, that's pretty much why I feel it is a red flag. The lack of communication in between dates. I just wondered if I caused it by initiating a fourth date in which we did something other than eat and talk?

 

He did ask to see me this past Monday but I couldn't so its not like he didn't ask me out. I dunno I feel trapped because we have these plans Saturday...

[2sunny]

Thank you, that's pretty much why I feel it is a red flag. The lack of communication in between dates. I just wondered if I caused it by initiating a fourth date in which we did something other than eat and talk?

 

He did ask to see me this past Monday but I couldn't so its not like he didn't ask me out. I dunno I feel trapped because we have these plans Saturday...

 

Then cancel on him and ask someone else to go with you.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I really wouldn't feel right cancelling the plans with him. I read these conflicting dating advice from articles and people's online posts about how when you first start dating, having too much contact can actually create a false illusion which is why in the beginning I didn't mind we both weren't texting often. But now that I am warming up to him, I would like more contact from him in between the time apart. Neither one of us has withheld the fact we are both still dating other people and we are going slow.

 

I also feel because he did try to make plans with me but I declined and not for the first time either because I don't believe in dropping your plans when you're dating someone new. He has never pressured me and vice versa about when one of us can't meet the other due to existing plans. I don't know to cancel the date just isn't cool. Even if I don't see him again after Saturday. I think it is wrong to cancel on him when he really other than not keeping in touch much in between dates has done nothing wrong.

[IronZ]

A guy who makes excuses is not the kind of guy you want in your life. Once or twice okay, but when it's always like that? I had a gf who was the same way. I needed to make all the arrangements and give her plenty of heads up. God forbid we saw each other twice in the same month. Her favorite line was "I'll have to see" whenever I invited her anywhere.

 

Sometimes she would say she would let me know about something and then completely forget about it. When I would remind her about it a few days before she would say she was busy. She never made time for me. Like you, I barely saw her. She seemed totally indifferent when we weren't together. You don't want that in your life, trust me. Move on.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I'm not sure exactly why you think he's making excuses. He has never canceled. As a matter of fact I had to cancel the 2nd date which was suppose to be in a Saturday. And asked him if we could move it to Sunday and he was cool about it.

 

He's not my boyfriend. We are not exclusive. I'm actually kind of surprised that I'm being told to dump someone who told me they're not much on texting. I've wasted lots of time with guys who were quick to get to know me via text but really it was e-maintaining or for their ego boosts. I don't want to penalize a guy for going with the flow and getting to know each other.

[IronZ]

I'm not saying he's making excuses I'm just saying he doesn't seem all that interested. You've had 3 dates in 3 months. Unless you live a hundred miles away or something that's not a very good excuse. Is he so busy every waking moment that he can't see you more than once a month?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "going with the flow." It seems to me like he's wasting your time. What is it that you want out of this? You seem to be defending him a lot so maybe I'm wrong but honestly I'm just calling it how I see things. Use your judgement. Just saying if it were me, I would want more than that.

[Redhead14]

Thank you, that's pretty much why I feel it is a red flag. The lack of communication in between dates. I just wondered if I caused it by initiating a fourth date in which we did something other than eat and talk?

 

He did ask to see me this past Monday but I couldn't so its not like he didn't ask me out. I dunno I feel trapped because we have these plans Saturday...

 

Sometimes contact between dates is light or even non-existent when a guy is managing his/your expectations, especially if there are scheduling issues and one or the other is very busy. They don't want to invest a lot into a situation that may end up going nowhere. He is still asking you on dates so he's thinking about you. Most of the time though, he should be calling you at least occasionally and at the very least texting. Keep dating others, go out with him when he asks and if you can. Nothing to lose. Don't sleep with him though unless or until he ups things. He might just be a "stringer".

[Gaeta]

The lack and inconsistency in the communication and his heavy presence on the dating side is indicative you are at this time only an option among others.

 

You can ride it for a while and see if it develops into something or you can abort. It all depends on your style. I personally like attention, so do you! We all do. If a man doesn't talk to me for a week between dates I will lose interest fast. It's not the type of dating I want, it works for some, it doesn't for me so I don't force myself to endure a behavior I don't like.

 

Next thing is even though you like him you don't seem to have much in common. His comment about the event not being as fun as going to a club is cheap and selfish. Who cares where you go, it's an activity to be together. To me, his comment indicates he's more interested in the outing than he is in spending time with you.

 

So yes you can cancel. It's Thursday today, it's acceptable to cancel 3 days ahead and say you don't feel a connection so there is no use to drag this over the weekend.

[BluEyeL]

This doesn't look very good, but I'd give him a bit more time to see if things improve or not. Maybe 2-3 more weeks.

 

With my boyfriend, things moved slowly, contact was light, but consistent and increased in time. Maybe my timeline will give you some ideas.

 

We had a first date on a Wed, and while on the date he said he would like to go out again.For the following weekend (not the weekend of that week, that was busy too for me), I had something else planned, so I told him it's going to be in two weeks, but I ended up cancelling that trip and told him I was free, so we met the week after. But there was no contact from him other than an email that he had a good time and wanted to see me again. Then nothing for 4 days until I told him I cancelled my trip and can see him that coming weekend. From there, we saw each other every Saturday night for 2 months. In between dates, he didn't contact me but every other day with a short email. No calls, no texts.

 

After 2 months of weekly dates, he took his profile down and asked to see me more than once a week. We started to go out twice a week, a mid-week date and a Sat date. That didn't last too long and once we became intimate at around 3 months mark, we now moved to 3x/week. He moved to texting and he is now texting me every day. We have two trips planned already, bought tickets and hotel...Christmas party etc. So things going great now.

 

My message is to let people develop their feelings in their own time. Don't push it and don't sabotage it, but don't wait around forever. I read on the internet and I read books about how a guy is "not into you", but in my experience you got to give people TIME to become into you. They won't be into you at first sight. On the other hand, wasting insane amounts of time in something going nowhere is not good either.

 

So with this guy, I'd do this: stop initiating. let him come to you. and give him 3 more weeks. If he sees you every week, it's all good. If he initiates some, even if not daily, it could be fine. But contact should increase, and things should progress.... I think the jury is still out on this case. Go to the event with him and don't overthink. If it's meant to be , it'll happen.

[Mascara]

I suppose I've been on both sides of this, and in my experience it's indicative of not much interest on the side of the person not initiating.

 

Let me also give you a timeline of how it went with my boyfriend.

 

1st date, the next day he texted to set up the second, five days ahead. Not much contact between them, apart from the afternoon before to confirm.

 

2nd date, set up 3rd date for five days ahead again. Contact probably every other day. He's also not much of a texter, but he did start calling instead.

 

3rd (10 days after the first), he asked if we could remove our OLD profiles. 4th date set for two days ahead. Spoke probably one of them.

 

4th/5th/6th/7th dates - spoke most days in between them. On the 8th date, I stayed over and from that point there wasn't a day where we didn't speak. We transitioned to a midweek overnight date plus weekends. We've been together a year now and recently started living together.

 

.... to me, that's pretty much how things progress when you both have the same level of interest. Not necessarily in terms of frequency, but there should at least be regular and consistent contact by the 4th date.

[ThorntonMelon]

GJJ - not sure why you posted something on this board. It's obvious he's not that interested, when we tell you that, you argue.

 

He's not that interested, and you did nothing wrong.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I really appreciate everyone who took the time to reply to my posts.

Seems everyone is in agreement that his interest level in me is low or nonexistent.

 

However cancelling the date to me seems childish and immature. And honestly I think it would indicate to him I have "issues" since I invited him, confirmed yesterday with the details. Then to back pedal one day later and cancel. No that's not who I am.

 

I am going to go out Saturday to the event in the afternoon, enjoy myself with the idea that this is not going anywhere and then meet up with friends afterwards. The ball will be in his court. If he chooses not to contact me anymore than I have my answer. If he chooses to contact me in a reasonable amount of time such as a few days later, great but I am definitely keeping my distance and expectations lower at this point. I mean the last 2 dates were a lot of fun. I also have a date lined up tomorrow Friday evening with someone new.

 

I will definitely post how things went on Saturday's date and where I am at (how I feel and so forth).

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Last night I went out on a new date with someone from OLD. From the git go I could tell we had nothing in common and it was extremely awkward. I think it was probably one of the worst dates ever. The next thing I know the guy who I do like and started this thread about texted me asking me what I was doing last night and did I want to meet up? I couldn't believe my luck. I felt like I had an out and excused myself from the date and went downtown to meet him. We had a blast! He came out dancing with me and my friends. We kissed a lot, danced and had a lot of fun.

Today we were to meet at 1pm for the event. I admit I was super tired from the lack of sleep and the guy I liked showed up with an old college friend visiting from out of state. As we waited for the event to start (it never did, I suppose it was cancelled?) we got a booth and my date sat with me and his friend across the booth. We ordered drinks and an appeitizer and I mostly allowed the two of them to "geek" over his friend's new camera and the specs. My date did include me in the conversation but really I was the odd man out and frankly I figured they wanted to catch up and his friend only had today off before he leaves again later next week. My date invited me to tag along with him and his friend while they went to x place to do some photography but I declined. I was tired and needed to get home and nap and I didn't want to get in the way of their reunion as they hadn't seen each other in some time and it was a last minute thing to do.

Anyways I feel like things are looking up. He told me last night he's not actively dating anyone else besides me right now. That he is glad I am not pressuring him at all and it was a good night. I feel like the fact he got to meet a bunch of my friends and I met a dear old friend of his today that things are moving into the right direction.

Tonight though I am staying in. He did ask me to text him tonight and I did a little while ago when I woke up. No reply, either he's asleep which is possible since we had a late night last night, he got up really early today and was with his friend all afternoon. Or he's still out with his friend having "man time" but either way I am not going to freak or stress this out.

I just wanted to give you all an update and I am glad I listened to my instincts.

[Gaeta]

Ok hon, lets slow down a little. I think you are giving him way too much meaning.

 

The next thing I know the guy who I do like and started this thread about texted me asking me what I was doing last night and did I want to meet up? I couldn't believe my luck.

That is not luck, and that is certainly not flattering to be contacted last minute by a man looking for someone to *hang out with* on a Saturday night. It means he went through his list of friends and no one else was available.

 

the guy I liked showed up with an old college friend visiting from out of state. As we waited for the event to start (it never did, I suppose it was cancelled?) we got a booth and my date sat with me and his friend across the booth. We ordered drinks and an appeitizer and I mostly allowed the two of them to "geek" over his friend's new camera and the specs. My date did include me in the conversation...

 

This event was suppose to be a date and this man turned it out into 'hanging out' by taking his friends along. This was not a date anymore.

 

Anyways I feel like things are looking up. He told me last night he's not actively dating anyone else besides me right now. That he is glad I am not pressuring him at all and it was a good night. I feel like the fact he got to meet a bunch of my friends and I met a dear old friend of his today that things are moving into the right direction.

meh...I would be turned off by his comment he appreciates not being pressured. He wants to date or not?? Also him meeting your friends means nothing. Some people handle friends and family very causally and put no special meaning in meeting them.

 

Don't view this as having a 'date' with him. You didn't. He handled you like any other of his buddy.

 

Sorry for being a downer.

[Eighty_nine]

My one thought is, why do we all- myself included- need people to be super sold on us immediately? Is it ever just enough for people to like us and want to see us again, even if we're not their absolute first priority?

 

I get upset when men do this, however I'm rethinking that. Right now I'm dating someone that I like but am not necessarily over the moon for. HOWEVER, I also barely know him. I like him enough to get to know him though, and what's wrong with that?

 

I think you should continuing dating others and just try not to put all your eggs in one basket. Believe me, I know how hard that is when you really like someone.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't know why you're even bothering, sorry but if he was into you he'd be seeing you more frequently than this. When I'm truly into someone, I can't wait to see them, and I sure make time for it. There were ten days between my first and second date with my current boyfriend due to genuine impossible schedules (I was working 70 hours, he 40 plus other commitments, it was a logistical nightmare) but as soon as we had the opportunity, he locked me down into two dates two nights running. I would get off work at 10pm and see him at 1030pm before a 6am start because I was that excited to be around him.

 

This little contact in this long a time period almost always signifies it's not going to turn into anything worthwhile, sorry.

 

Plus whenever I've had something turn into a relationship, there has been daily contact pretty much from the start. Not necessarily anything heavy, just a few texts. But when you really like someone and they like you, you're keen to get to know each other, to hear from each other, to learn more about each other, to tell them about your day. You don't leave it weeks with very little contact before you see or speak to them again. Next.

[Fondue]

My one thought is, why do we all- myself included- need people to be super sold on us immediately? Is it ever just enough for people to like us and want to see us again, even if we're not their absolute first priority?

 

I get upset when men do this, however I'm rethinking that. Right now I'm dating someone that I like but am not necessarily over the moon for. HOWEVER, I also barely know him. I like him enough to get to know him though, and what's wrong with that?

 

I think you should continuing dating others and just try not to put all your eggs in one basket. Believe me, I know how hard that is when you really like someone.

This.

 

I wanted to say this since this thread began earlier in the week, I just couldn't find the words.

 

-----

 

Anyway, the OP already said she is dating multiple men while also seeing this guy. Why are we making such a big deal of him takings slowly with her? She is already shopping around, and if this guy is too, what's the problem? Or maybe he is genuinely just slow at these things.

 

Didn't some guy way back when said something like, "patience is a virtue?"

 

Maybe it'll pay off.

 

As far as limited contact goes. SOme men are not communicators. We're not as social as women. I don't need a lot of communication to still continue like someone. I don't think that should ever be a pre-requisite to a relationship.

 

That's just my $0.02.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Thank you Fondue, Lissvarna, Gaeta & Acrosstheuniverse

I didn't mind in the least that Friday was a last minute thing. In the past when we great started to date I never accepted any suggestions to meet up the same day or the next day. He already knows I just figured why not? And besides I was miserable on the other date last Friday and glad to see him. Yes I will keep my expectations low as I've done so far.

We have been texting a lot more since Friday. More than ever before. To me this indicates his level of interest is at least growing.

I know many of you disagree that this will lead anywhere. However I'm an eternal optimist. For now I am going to keep being myself and date other people till things change otherwise. I am also not going to initiate the next date, that's up to him. I will not chase him. If he goes back to his habit of infrequent contact I will lose interest. Till I do, I want to see how the next few weeks go?